I need a hobby!

So I've been thinking for awhile that I need to take up a new hobby.  I'm the kind of person who will sit and dwell on things if I'm not keeping myself busy.  And as much as I hate to admit it, I can be pretty lazy.  I used to not be like this.  I'm not sure when this happened and I don't like it.  I need to come up with something to do that will keep me occupied and keep me from dwelling on my infertility.  I've tried a few things and lost interest pretty quickly.  I need something I am interested in that I can stick with.

So, in looking around at other ladies blogs I decided I'm going to take up sewing.  It's something I've been interested in for a long time and just haven't gotten around to doing.  The first Christmas DH and I were married I begged him for a sewing machine.  I had convinced myself that I could learn to sew and make drapes and other things for our house.  He got me the sewing machine so I went out and bought fabric pieces to practice on.  Of course I didn't read the instructions or find a book about sewing or find someone to teach me.  I just tried to figure it out on my own.  That obviously didn't work too well.  I didn't have a proper sewing station and the machine sat on our dining room table for weeks collecting dust until I finally couldn't take the clutter anymore and put in back in its box and in a closet.

Everytime I go into that closet I see it and think, "I really need to learn how to use that thing." And then I close the closet and forget about it again.  I've decided it's time.  It's time to dust it off and figure out how to use the darn thing.

I told DH what I wanted to do.  I honestly thought he would laugh at me.  I've got quite the habit of starting things I'm never going to finish.  But instead he said he thought it was a great idea.  I was so happy!  I told him I needed a nice space set aside and he agreed to help me rearrange our office so we can get a table set up.  So after work I'm off to find a nice table to put my sewing machine on.  I'm all too excited!

Now on to some cycle news.  As wonky as my hormones are my cycles are still pretty predicable.  My peak day is always between days 13-15 and I have pretty good white days beginning the day after my period ends until about a P +1 or +2.  They have been like this since I started charting.  That is until this cycle.  I'm on day 17 now with no mucus in sight.  I'm not sure what to think.  Should I be concerned?  I know that the pre-peak phase can very but mine never does.  And this is a huge change.  I'm just wondering at what point I should be concerned?  I'm so confused! 

A few answers...finally!

Dr G., my Creighton and Napro consultant (we don't have any Creighton Doctors here but she is a retired one who acts as the middle man with Dr. Hildgers) emailed me the prelim results to my full cycle blood panel.  Woohoo!  I'm still waiting on the Thyroid Panel but I got the hormone results.  I'll take it!  So here they are...

Peri-Peak Estridol
     Day 5 - 11.2
     Day 10 - 8.8
     Day 12 - 31.1
     Day 14 - 8.0

Post-Peak Estridol
     P+3 - 11.1
     P+5 - 17.3
     P+7 - 20.8
     P+9 - 9.1
     P+11 - 9.7

Post-Peak Progesterone
     P+3 - 10.1
     P+5 - 11.3
     P+7 - 17.5
     P+9 - 4.1
     P+11 - 7.6

I have no clue what most of that means.  She said that my Estrogen before my peak is a little low but is perfect at the time of ovulation so she isn't really all that concerned.  She said my post-peak progesterone is a little low which isn't too concerning but that it tanks after P+7.  I can definitely see that.  She said that that is called a Late Luteal Phase Defect.  She has already tried me on PIO injection and they didn't work.  They actually made my migraines much worse so we are going to start HCG injections this cycle.  Woohoo!  I am so happy to finally have a bit of an answer.  She wants us to continue to avoid pregnancy for now.  She's had us doing that for the last several months.  She is afraid that with my hormones out of wack I would have a miscarriage.  I guess a few more months of avoiding will be ok.

We also got my ultrasound results back and they were normal.  No cysts and I've got all my parts.  YAY!  I love good news.  She's still concerned about endometriosis being part of the issue but she wants me to try the HCG for a few cycles and if I have no change we will work on a surgical consult with Dr. Hildgers.

So that's where I am.  I'm definitely happy to have a piece of the puzzle answered.  My cycle is being a little wonky this month so I have no clue when I will be able to start the HCG.  Usually my mucus cycle starts right after my period.  I never get a green day before my peak.  Not this month.  I've had 5 green days so far...and no mucus in site.  I usually have my peak between day 14 and 16.  Since it's day 14 today I'm guessing that's not happening.  Weird!  I  know stress can play a huge roll but I'm not really feeling anymore stressed than usual.  Maybe it's a little gift from God.  Maybe it's so I have enough time to get the HCG in so I don't waste another cycle.  I'm going to go with that. :)

God Has A Plan For Me...

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will be."  -C.S. Lewis

I think that may pretty much sum it up.  I have no doubt in my mind that God knows what is best for me...or that he has a plan for my life.  I don't question that.  What I do wonder and think about often, is whether or not I will be able to accept what his plan it.  That is the struggle in my life...acceptance.

I guess I should tell you a little about me.  I'm a 27-year-old wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter,niece, aunt, and friend.  I cherish each one of those rolls in my life.  However, i feel like I am missing the biggest roll in life, the roll of mother.  For as long as I can remember I have dreamed of only two things...to be a wife and to be a mother.  I have accomplished the first and now I just hold out and try to wait patiently for the second.

We are not still totally 100% sure of the cause of my infertility.  We, along with doctors are leaning towards a combo of things...endometriosis, low progesterone, etc.  My long story will be best for another day.  It's been a very emotional and stressful few years.  They have been filled with hope, despair, frustration, anger, and lots and lots of tears.  I'm hoping that this blog will serve as an outlet for me.  Somewhere I can vent and maybe meet other women who are going through the same thing.

So this is my journey.  The journey I share with my husband as we navigate through infertility trying to trust in God's plan.  Treating it the natural way, because infertility is a disease and children are a gift from God.