On the day I married my husband I thought that there was no way that I could possibly love him any more that I did on that day. My heart was so filled with love and joy. After 5 years of dating (I was still in high school when we met) I was finally marrying the man that I knew God had planned for me. I couldn't contain my emotions. I never got nervous. The morning of our wedding I woke up to my two sister and two best friends. I could feel them staring at me as I fixed myself breakfast. When I turned around they asked if I was ok. "Of course!" I said. They looked at me very strangely and asked if I knew what day it was. "October 21st" I said kind of questioningly. "Do you know what you are doing today?" my sister asked. "Um yeah. I'm getting married today!" I said. They just kept staring at me. I guess they expected me to wake up and freak out. I never freaked out. I was so excited I could not wait. I felt like it would take forever for 2:30 to arrive. I danced around my house all morning and couldn't stop smiling. When 2:30 finally arrived I was moved to tears. Yes some of those tears were sad, more like bittersweat. My dad was brought to tears and that was hard for me to see. But seeing the man that God intended for me standing at the end of that isle was so amazing that tears of happiness and joy just streamed down my face. I was happier than I ever could have imagined I would be. The thought of being any happier or loving my husband anymore was way to much to try to wrap my mind or my heart around. I thought there was no way it was possible.
Three and a half years later I can definitely say that I love my husband so much more than I did on that day. Our cross of infertility has brought us so much closer and brought us so much more love than I ever could have imagined. Sure there is a lot of hurt and pain. And there certainly are days when I wake up and hope that this is all a bad dream and this is not something we have to endure. There are many days when I am angry, angry at life, angry at my body, angry with God. There are times when I pity myself and ask why me. There are countless days when I feel hopeless. Days when I feel like the world and God are out to get me. And nearly everyday I feel guilt. Guilt that maybe this is my fault, that I did something to cause it. That I may never be able to give my husband a child. There are so many days when the pain is almost unbearable. But there are never days that I do not feel love. My husband has to be one of the most amazing husbands around. He is always there when I need to scream or cry or complain. He listens with such and open ear and tries really hard not to give unsolicited advice. He knows that what I need at that very moment is just someone to talk to, not someone to tell me that I need to relax and not worry. He keeps me grounded and focused. And without realizing it he reminds me every day of God's love.
Last June is when we really delved into this infertility journey full steam ahead. And since that time we have become so much closer. I have always referred to dh as my best friend. But now more than ever I really do believe that is true. Infertility has lead us to such a deeper understanding of each other. This is something that we must face together and because of that we have been drawn closer. Without him I know there is no way I could do it. I have realized how much I need him. I have realized what an amazing man he is. He is truly what I believe a man is supposed to be. He is the spiritual head of our household and wants nothing more than to take care of and provide for his family. Even if that family only consists of the two of us.
I never thought there would come a day when dh and I would have to discuss the inner working of our intimate life with doctors. I never thought there would come a day when dh would know my cycles as well or better than I do. I never thought there would come a day when dh and I would discuss my cm and all it's colors and textures and stretchiness. And I certainly never thought there would come a day when I would allow dh to insert a very long needle into my bum on a regular basis to administer various hormones. But I am thankful for all of that. Because all of that has brought us so much closer together. It has made me love and appreciate my husband more than ever. And for that I thank God.
