Picking Up Where I Left Off

Just a little warning. There's a bit of complaining and TMI in this post. Sooooo, if you aren't up for that today feel free to run from this post. I won't hold it against you. I'll still love you. :)

Today is CD3 and my second cycle since Mary-Grace was born. She's not even three months old yet so I think that in itself is pretty crappy.

I feel like nothing has changed. I heard that the first few cycles after delivery are usually different from before. But then again, most women who are exclusively breast feeding don't get their cycles back 7 weeks out. I mean, MG has never had a bottle. Not one. My body has slipped right back into it's old crappy routine.

I have been doubled over in pain almost all day. The pain wraps around my back, down through my hips and into my legs. It's debilitating.

I felt like a terrible mother today. I felt like I was just trying to get from one nap to the next. I didn't snuggle her enough, we didn't play much, I just fed her and tried to get her to sleep so that I could curl up into a ball with a heating pad. It sucked. Really really sucked!

I feel like I'm running to the bathroom every 2.5 seconds. I forgot how heavy the bleeding is. It's worse than postpartum bleeding. It's always been like that I just didn't have anything to compare it to.

I'm not sure what to do. I know I am so blessed to have my baby girl, but obviously my body is still very broken. There is just no way I can go to Omaha for surgery. I can't go to the center in Atlanta either. My insurance won't cover it and I can't afford it otherwise. I think that my doctors would do jut fine. They are very well known around her. But for some reason I can't seem to make myself make an appointment. I think it's fear of rejection in a way. I've complained about these issues to countless doctors for the last 15+ years. I'm tired of being told everything I'm describing is normal when I know it is not. I'm 99% sure that the doctors I have now won't do that but the fear is still there.

I've got a bit of my Nana in me also. An "if you ignore it then nothing is really wrong" kind of attitude. I'm scared of knowing the truth of what is wrong with me. It's the same reason why I haven't called to make the follow up appointment with my endocrinologist regarding the whole Hashimoto's possible diagnosis. I need to have an ultrasound of my thyroid because the doc said mine was huge. But I'm scared of what they will find. I'm basically a big chicken. And if I don't have a diagnosis nothing is really wrong with me. Right?

I guess I'm asking for a few prayers. Prayers for courage and prayers that I will finally get a proper diagnosis. Once I finally get the courage to make the appointments of course. :)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse my mistakes. Thank you autocorrect. ;)