I have been an absolute emotional wreck! You would think being given the green light I would be feeling a bit better. It's quite the opposite though. I have such mixed feelings in my head and I can't seem to sort them out. I feel like an emotional basket case. I've been crying for days now at the drop of a hat. This doesn't work so well when you work with children. I just can't figure me out. In one hand I have so much hope but in the other hand I feel so hopeless. I feel like I've lost some of my joy, my spunk, my positive outlook. I feel like I walk around in a haze and am just doing what I can to get through each day.
I'm on p+2 today. I know that the hormone shift is partially why I'm feeling a bit down. PMS has always been an issue of mine. But honestly, I've felt like this for over a week now. I've been in a "funk" for several months now but the last week or two has been ridiculous. I feel like it started when Dr. G lifted the ttc ban.
DH and I ttc for a very long time before we found Crei.ghton and Nap.ro. After we found them Dr. G and our FCP put us on lock down. My charts were UGLY! It was so obvious from looking at them that there was some serious hormone issues. Dr. G even made the comment that she wouldn't be surprised if I hadn't had some miscarriages already and didn't know (this was judging from some really odd periods I told them about). I felt so guilty and was so happy to find this Godsend. When they told us that we really should avoid until we got my body sorted out I was upset but so hopeful. At first I avoided without much complaint. I knew that what we were doing was going to be the best for me and for my baby that I was so sure we would have. As the months dragged on my feelings went from hopeful to frustrated. I understood avoiding in the beginning but 11 months of it was getting ridiculous. How would we ever know if all we were doing was working if we couldn't even try?
Then two weeks ago we finally got the go ahead. A part of me was thrilled but a huge part of me was terrified. We debated on if we would go ahead and use this cycle (I knew I would probably peak within a week or two) or just wait until the next one. We decided on a whim Saturday after having 10KL all day to go ahead and start trying. I had 3 days of 10KL AD! That is awesome in my book! So you think I would be excited. We had amazing timing and it was nice not to feel like we were once again throwing away another cycle. I have felt closer to dh in the last couple of days than I have in a really long time. We are already so close that it's hard to imagine it being better. I felt much closer to him than when we were trying before Crei.ghton. It's such an amazing feeling.
However, there is just something inside me that is wreaking havoc on my emotions. I can't quite put my finger on it. I feel like just curling into a ball and sobbing. I hate being like this. People used to always comment on how I was always smiling. I always looked so happy. Now people are always asking me if I'm ok, or if something is wrong. I know it's because I don't have that joy that I used to have. I hate it! I hate not being myself.
I was talking to dh last night and told him how I'm feeling. He's an amazing man. I can't put into words how blessed I am. I asked him what's wrong with me. I told him that I couldn't understand why I couldn't just be happy. I told him that I thought that after all of this time waiting I would be happy to try. And hopeful. You would think I would be hopeful. But I'm not. It doesn't matter that I had great cm. It doesn't matter that we had great timing. None of that matters to me. I still feel like this is never going to happen. He reassured me the best that he can. He reminded me that this is out of my hands, that we did everything we could and now it is up to God. Sadly, that wasn't much comfort.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how I can control my emotional craziness. I feel lost. I want to be happy, I really do. I want to fully trust that God is in control of this. But sometimes I struggle. I want to have hope and joy, but I feel like I can't find it. I just want to be myself again. I miss the old me. I miss the girl I was before infertility. I want to find that girl again.
Then two weeks ago we finally got the go ahead. A part of me was thrilled but a huge part of me was terrified. We debated on if we would go ahead and use this cycle (I knew I would probably peak within a week or two) or just wait until the next one. We decided on a whim Saturday after having 10KL all day to go ahead and start trying. I had 3 days of 10KL AD! That is awesome in my book! So you think I would be excited. We had amazing timing and it was nice not to feel like we were once again throwing away another cycle. I have felt closer to dh in the last couple of days than I have in a really long time. We are already so close that it's hard to imagine it being better. I felt much closer to him than when we were trying before Crei.ghton. It's such an amazing feeling.
However, there is just something inside me that is wreaking havoc on my emotions. I can't quite put my finger on it. I feel like just curling into a ball and sobbing. I hate being like this. People used to always comment on how I was always smiling. I always looked so happy. Now people are always asking me if I'm ok, or if something is wrong. I know it's because I don't have that joy that I used to have. I hate it! I hate not being myself.
I was talking to dh last night and told him how I'm feeling. He's an amazing man. I can't put into words how blessed I am. I asked him what's wrong with me. I told him that I couldn't understand why I couldn't just be happy. I told him that I thought that after all of this time waiting I would be happy to try. And hopeful. You would think I would be hopeful. But I'm not. It doesn't matter that I had great cm. It doesn't matter that we had great timing. None of that matters to me. I still feel like this is never going to happen. He reassured me the best that he can. He reminded me that this is out of my hands, that we did everything we could and now it is up to God. Sadly, that wasn't much comfort.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how I can control my emotional craziness. I feel lost. I want to be happy, I really do. I want to fully trust that God is in control of this. But sometimes I struggle. I want to have hope and joy, but I feel like I can't find it. I just want to be myself again. I miss the old me. I miss the girl I was before infertility. I want to find that girl again.
