I'd like to say that on the outside I'm a realist. I'm not overly optimistic and I'm not overly pessimistic. I think that I look at things rationally with all of the information and make realistic conclusions and predictions. I try hard not to sway one way or the other too much. I don't want to come off as a "Negative Nancy," as my husband would say. But I also do not want to seem ignorantly optimistic.
On the inside however I feel like I have two very dominant view points and they are battling to see which one will win. I don't feel like this when it come to everything. Some feelings and opinions are no brainers. And let me tell you, I'm one opinionated chick! But then there are the tough things, the things that I don't know what to think about. The things that tug at every piece of my soul. Infertility is one of those thing. I can often see the light. I can imagine that one day all of this will end and dh and I will have a little baby of our own. But at the same time I can feel very hopeless. I can feel like this is never going to stop and that they will never be able to fix me.
Unfortunately, I feel like the hopeless side of me is taking over more often than not. Sure there are good days. There are days when I can talk about my infertility and not get angry or sad...or be embarrassed (Is anyone else sometimes embarrassed by IF?). There have on occasion been times when I can see a pregnant woman my age or a new little baby and not want to burst into tears. There have even been some times that people have asked me when I am going to start having a family that I've been able to smile and just say "One of these days" and not feel like my heart was being ripped out.
But those days are becoming few and far between. The last few weeks have been really tough. Yesterday was especially hard...and today doesn't seem like it's getting any better. I can't pinpoint anything in particular that has sent me into this sudden depression. I think it's just a combination of things. I feel like this is never going to end. I feel like Dr. G is never going to give us the green light to actually ttc. I'm sick of this avoiding crap! We are on our 11th cycle of avoiding. Eleven! That is almost a whole year of avoiding a pregnancy when dh and I want nothing more than to have a baby. I understand that Dr. G has our best interests in mind and just wants me to be healthy but I'm over it. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of feeling like I have no control over this. If I want to ttc a baby why shouldn't I? My last two cycles have been almost text book with the exception of one day of tebb two cycles ago. And that one day of tebb wasn't even a day...I noticed it one time in the morning and then nothing for the rest of the day. It was so faint I almost didn't chart it. So what's the hold up. This is what we've been working towards. My cycles have improved so much I am having trouble believing it. I went from a period lasting 15 days to one that last for 6-7 with absolutely no brown bleeding. That's a miracle in my book.
Then there's the issue of Mother's Day. I have dreaded Mother's Day since I was 6 years old. That's the year my mom abandoned my two little sisters and I. She and my father got divorced and that was it. She decided she didn't want to be a mom anymore. And while I am very thankful to have an amazing father who did a great job of playing both rolls and an amazing grandmother (paternal, when my mom left the whole family pretty much dissappered) who helped fill the role it is not the same. Mother's Day has always been a reminder that I do not have a mother. And now it is a reminder that I am not a mother myself. DH and I will be out of town this year on Mother's Day. We are going to NC for a wedding and will actually be making the 12 hour drive home on that day. The sad thing is that I'm actually glad we will be gone. That makes me feel guilty because it's a day I always try to spend with my Nana. But at the same time I'm glad I won't have to sit around and make small talk with family. I'm glad I won't have to listen to my very fertile sister talk about the stress of motherhood. And I'm really glad not to have to discuss my infertility on a day that is hard enough for me as it is. I joked with dh last night that we should get a dispensation for Mass that day...ok, maybe I was only half joking. I'm happy that I won't have to sit in our usual pew at our parish and watch all the mother's stand up for their blessing while wondering what they think of dh and I. But I'm still going to have to attend Mass somewhere. And wherever that somewhere is they are going to do that same blessing. I'm really going to try hard not to cry through the entire Mass.
I was thinking last night. I'm going to be 28 in 8 months. I never thought I'd make it to 28 without having a baby. I honestly thought I'd have a few by now. I will now be at least 28 before I have a little one. But honestly, I'm not holding my breath. I have a feeling I could be saying this two years from now. I never thought I'd be looking at 30 and childless.
DH and I will be married 4 years this October. Never thought we'd see that anniversary without children.
I know that it could be worse. I know that there are plenty of women out there that have been trying for much longer. I can't imagine their pain. I just want the opportunity to actually try. How will we ever know if this is all working if we don't try?
I've said it before, patience is not one of my virtues. But, I think 11 months of avoiding gives me the right to start getting a little frustrated. I've been patient for 11 month. I'm done with patience.
