I have been feeling pretty good lately.  I've felt optimistic and happy.  My cycle started unlike it ever has before...not brown bleeding.  Woohoo!  Yay for progress.  I had minimal pain...it got pretty bad for about an hour on day 3 but nothing a little ale.ve won't cure.  I didn't even realize that hcg would help with pain.  Then today...CD7...I thought it was over...I only had light spotting yesterday (and not the icky brown stuff :) ).  But no...today starts the tebb.  I thought for sure this cycle was going to be different.  It started off so promising.  I know it was only my first cycle on hcg but I had such hope.  Silly infertile...I should know better than to get my hopes up like that.

Over the last few days I actually let myself calculate when my baby would be due if Dr. G gave us the go ahead to try again this cycle and I actually got pregnant the first try.  I actually let myself think about how wonderful it would be to start 2011 with a new life.  Why I let myself do that I'm not really sure.  I used to do that a lot in the beginning...before I knew of the road I would be traveling.  You would think I would have given that up by now.  But I can't help it.  I guess deep down I'm not really the "Negative Nancy" dh says I am. :) I really am an optimist...I just wish I would be a little smarter.  It hurts to be let down over and over.  And to think...this is the time when Dr. G has us avoiding.  It's getting me this down.  I think I may lose it when she gives us the all clear and I get that first negative test.  I've got to learn to be a little more tough.  Thick skin is not something I have.

I've been trying to be more open about my IF.  I feel like has been such a hush hush issue.  I started thinking about it and that's really silly.  The reason it is so tabu in the community is because we feel like we can't talk about it.  My family found out last Thanksgiving...and my two best girlfriends found out not long after.  DH's family has slowly been finding out as well as some of his friends.  I thought that by our secret being out there I would feel less alone but I don't.  Now I just feel like either people are talking about me or they don't understand...or even worse, they don't understand what the big deal is.  It's frustrating to say the least.  I can't think of anyone that I know IRL that has suffered from infertility.  My grandmother did go into and complete menopause at the ripe old age of 32...but she already had three children by then.  My grandmother and my sisters try really hard to be supportive.  I am blessed to have them.  But they don't get it.  And I don't really expect them to.  DH's family...one aunt in particular has been great.  Although I don't see her often, she was the first to find out.  She said something jokingly at a party and I burst into tears.  I guess I kinda outed myself there.  She has since added me to her alarm on her computer.  She said it goes off every morning at 8am and she is reminded to pray for dh and I.  I feel so very blessed to have her.  I'm not sure about the rest of them though.  I just don't think they understand. DH's friends are all having babies so we just get the constant questions about why we haven't had any.  DH has finally spilled the beans to them and for some reason I now feel like a lepor around them.  As for my friends.  I've got two girlfriends who I consider to be sisters...however, we just aren't at the same place in our lives.  One is married and has been for about 7 1/2 years...but she doesn't know that she ever wants to have children.  The other isn't married and when she is I don't think she really desires them either.  So the fact that I'm all upset about the possibility of not having any is totally foreign to them.  I do have dh, and he is amazingly supportive...but it would be nice to have someone else sometimes.  Someone who isn't "involved."

I do have a question though for any of you who have taken hcg.  Did you notice that while you were taking it you became super edgy?  I tend to get pretty moody post peak but holy cow!  My poor dh!  I was absolutely insane beyond belief.  I knew I was being ridiculous but I just couldn't seem to stop myself.  Is this common?  Or maybe it was just a coincidence.

Feeling Much Better

So I feel a bit better after my ranting yesterday.  I don't know what my deal is post peak but I turn into something else...something not human.  And the weird thing is that I flip like a switch between raging anger and crying over the strangest things.  I will literally cry over spilled milk.  I will also bite DH's head off for telling me I look beuatiful.  And the even more bizare thing is that the whole time I'm flipping out I know that it's completely ridiculous, I just can't seem to stop myself.  I'm telling you, I think my dh is a saint in disguise.  I can't believe he puts up with me.  It must feel like he's living in an asylum sometimes.

I'm happy to report that my mood is much much better today...even despite the fact that yesterday was CD1.  Not that CD1 was a surprise.  We are still avoiding you know.  But...for the first time ever I had red spotting and not brown!  Woohoo for progress!  I typically have 5 days of brown spotting before AF and 5 days of tebb.  Dr. G doesn't like that at all.  That seems to be her biggest concern right now.  So anyhoo...I'm hoping that the non-brown stuff keeps up!  Maybe I won't have any tebb either.  It would be so totally awesome if the hcg worked on the first round.  Then maybe, just maybe, Dr. G would let us try this cycle.  That would be just too freakin' cool!  Not going to get my hopes up though.  Dr. G does seem to be really cautious.  I could definitely see her wanting us to wait it out one more cycle.  Oh oh oh...and more totally awesome cycle news.  I'm not having terriblehorriblenogoodverybadday cramping.  Over the last few days I've had some twinges here and there that come and go.  But nothing that even warented and al.eve.  I know I haven't gotten into the heavy stuff yet (that's when the cramps from hell creep in) but this cycle just feels different.  I didn't know that hcg could help with the cramps.  I'm loving this stuff!  And to make it even better, I haven't had one headache or migraine since P+5 which is when I took the first injection.  I'm praying this stuff is my answer.  Yay! Yay! Yay, for progress!

Post Peak Bullhonky!

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate post peak?  Because I do.  Not because it's the "two week wait," no, that would be silly!  It's not the tww for me...we've been avoiding per doctors orders since we started this whole Crei.ghton/Na.pro thing.  I hate it because of how I feel.  I feel like I could just burst into tears at any moment.  I feel like absolute and utter crap.  I feel like CD1 is knocking at my door but I have no idea when it will actually arrive.  This was my first cycle on hcg so anything is possible.  I'm on P+12 today...this is the longest post peak I've ever gone.  I have actually never made it past P+9.  I guess that means the hcg is doing something.  Now if I can just start CD1 with no brown spotting that would be some serious progress.  And maybe just for giggles I won't have any tebb either.  Maybe...just maybe.  Maybe then they would actually let us actively ttc again.  We have now completed 10 cycles of tta.  You heard me right!  10 CYCLES!  I'm over it!  Just over it!  I want a baby...I want to be pregnant...I want a family.

Ok...rant over.  I feel better (ok maybe not...but we can pretend).

My Nana always used to tell me when I was down to count my blessings and think of all the wonderful things in life that make me happy.  So here are a few...

• My DH.  He is an amazing man.  Simply amazing.  I'm at a loss for words on how to even begin to describe him.  He is patient, understanding, loving, trustworthy, loyal, sweet, sensitive, and, and, and...the list goes on and on.  And he calls me princess all the time.  I know that may sound strange but I love it.  It started shortly after we started dating.  I was the first girl he got serious about and his good friends were teasing him.  One of the started refering to me as princess and the name just sort of stuck.  I guess at first it wasn't a good thing but it has kinda grown on me.  DH always says it with such love.  He truly believes I am his princess and treats me that way.

• These...

I just love them.  I am like a 3 year old when I see them for the first time in the stores this time of year.  They just make me smile.

• My home.  I have been quick to complain about it lately because it is our first house and we didn't think we would be living in it this long but the economy has made it impossible to sell so we're stuck.  But I do realize how blessed I am to have it.  And that we can pay the bills.  There are so many people out there who do not have a home and who are facing fore.closure.  It's sad and I'm very blessed to have the home I have.

• My dog.  He's so amazing and the cutest, coolest, funniest dachshund you will ever meet!  Trust me!

• My friends.  I have two very close girlfriends.  We have been friends since high school.  I love them dearly and can't imagine my life without them.

• Di.et Co.ke...mmmm delish!

Sometimes it's the simple things in live.  Now if I could just find me some Di.et Co.ke and a Cad.bury Cre.me Egg for a snack...that would make me smile.

Scatterbrained and stuff....

I don't even know where to start.  I feel like my brains are swirling round and round in my skull.  I'm not sure what's up with me lately.  I'm usually pretty absentminded, but this is RIDICULOUS!  That's all I can say.  I keep thinking of something my grandmother used to say when I was little (actually I think I may have heard her say it the other day), "If I had brains, I'd take 'em out and play with 'em."  She also says "I feel like I'm walking down the street talkin' to myself."  I think those both fit perfectly!  I can't seem to get anything done.  My brain is just not functioning.  I'm forgetting to do basic things, like let little Oscar Dog out of his crate when I get home so I can take him for a walk.  Poor little guy just sits there at the door of his crate waiting for me while I fiddle around the house for awhile.  Then he'll wimper and I'll suddenly remember.  At work I feel like I can't even remember any of my kids name.  I'll be trying to call on one and just completely go blank.  They all look at me like I'm totally nuts.  I was trying to have a conversation with my boss this morning and could barely talk.  It's like I just couldn't think of words.  I felt like he was talking to me in some other language.

Then there's the exhaustion.  OH.MY.GOSH!  Let me just say that I'm always tired.  I mean always.  I have to drag myself to get up in the morning.  I drag myself to the shower.  Then I drag myself to the couch to rest.  Then I drag myself to get my hair and make up done.  Then I drag myself back to the couch.  Then I drag myself to get dressed.   Then I drag myself to work.  You get the idea.  I actually get up about an hour earlier than I really "need" to just so I make sure I can get everything done with all of my breaks.  I've been like this for years and I HATE it.  It drives me nuts!  But if you can imagine, it's actually been worse lately.  I just can't take it anymore.  I feel like I'm not me...like life has been sucked out of me.  I can think of nothing better than laying on my couch.  I dream of it.  I get up in the morning and the first thing that crosses my mind is "Maybe I can find a way to get in a nap today."  That's just sad.  I know it's got to be my thyroid that does this to me.  It's the only thing I can think of.  And to think, possibly with the T3 that Dr. H and Dr. G want to put me on would help with this.  But nooooooo, my stupid heart has to beat to fast so they won't let me take the stuff.  So what?  Am I just supposed to live like this forever?  Ummmmm, I don't think so.

So, I started the HCG shots on Monday...but silly me I should have started them last Saturday.  I thought she said to take them P+ 5,7,9.  But when I pulled them out on Monday I saw that I was supposed to start them on P+ 3.  Oops.  I'm assuming that it's not that big of a deal.  Nothing I can do now.  So far I like them.  I haven't really noticed much of a change in PMS symptoms (which is something Dr. G was really hoping).  But I think it may take a while to really get in my system.  I have however noticed that I haven't really had my daily headaches/migraines since I started them.  My headaches/migraines usually start a day or two before my peak and continue until cycle day 3 or so.  NO FUN!  And as usual they started again this cycle with my peak, but I haven't had on since Monday...and Monday night was my first shot.  Woohoo!  That is totally awesome because my migraines are knockmeoutcall911 kind of migraines.

You know?  Now I'm wondering if the superquadrupal exhaustion and the holy moly absentmindedness are side effects of the HCG?  Ha!  Maybe I have HCG injection induced pregnancy brain.  Haha!  I love it...that's just my luck. :)



P.S.  Please excuse the randomness and scatterbrainedness (I'm making up all kinds of words today)...it must be the fake pregnancy brain. :)

TSD Profile Results

On Monday night Dr. G called me with the results of my TSD Profile (that is what it's called right).  She said that for the most part my levels came back pretty normal with exception of the T3 ratio...that was really low or off or something.  She said that that paired up with my really low temp and symptom checklist she thinks that I more than qualify for Dr. Hildg.er's study.  She said that normal protocol for this is to put me on a sustained release T3.  There's a catch though.  The T3 raises your heart rate and my resting pulse is way way to high on its own.  I'm typically at around 110 and have even on occasion shot up to around 120.  She asked if I've ever looked into this.  Of course I have...and as usual nothing is actually wrong.  Doctor's keep telling me it's my anxiety and that if I just learn to relax it would get better.  Well Dr. G all but told me the same thing.  She said I need to relax and learn to not stress so much.  Um, excuse me Dr. G, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but if it was that easy don't you think I would have already done that?  I know that I'm a very anxious person.  I have been for a really long time.  I have talked to doctors about it in the past but everyone just seems to brush it off and tell me to take up yoga or something.  (I seem to run into doctors a lot that don't take me seriously about anything...IF included.)  I know that my anxiety get's the best of me but I'm not sure how to control it.  And unfortunately it seems to be getting worse and worse.  She did say that if I can get my pulse down she will talk to Dr. H about starting me on the T3 though.  So I guess that's what I'm going to work on...however that's done.

In cycle news I think I'm finally nearing my peak day.  This has been one wonky cycle!  I have usually started a new cycle by now.  I'm just glad to know it's finally happening.  I was so worried that I was going to miss out on my first month of HCG.  I am praying so hard that the HCG does the trick.  Since I started charting with Creighton they have been having me TTA.  That has got to be the most frustrating thing EVER!  I have such great mucus! It would be so nice to put it to good use.  I do understand their concern.  They are really worried that if I did conceive I would have a miscarriage.  My Creighton Instructor even made the comment that it is quite possible if not likely that during our time of TTC on our own I may have already had a miscarriage (of course that can't be proven so I refuse to think about it).  I don't want to go through that so I'm doing what they tell me.  But we are now on our 9th cycle with Creighton so it's our 9th cycle avoiding.  To top it off, between the pre-menstral brown bleeding, long periods,TEBB, Short Cycles, and mucus that starts almost immediately following my period there aren't many "green" days on my chart.  That leads to really long "dry" spells.  It's just getting old.  I so badly want to be given the green light to TTC again with our new found knowledge.  Another source of anxiety.

So I guess my new project is "Operation Get My Heart Rate Down!"  If all else fails I guess I could just take up excessive wine drinking...I'm sure that would do the trick. :)