First of all, CONGRATS TO
KAITLIN on her baby girl, Hannah Rose, born this morning. It's also my middle sister's birthday so it's a good day! :)
So I am in sort of a weird situation and I need a bit of advice. I'm going to do my best to not make this too confusing or choppy but I can't make any promises. It's pretty complicated.
I've mentioned here before a few times about my relationship with my mother and the fact that it's non-existent. Just to recap, here is why.
My parents were divorced when I was 6 years old. Before they were divorced they did not have a good relationship (they probably should have never gotten married but they were forced too when my mom got pregnant with me). My mom was physically abusive to my sisters and me (I repressed this for many years) and had some drug problems. She also has a few psychological issues. For sometime before she and my father divorced she spend some time in a hospital for mentally ill patients. So needless to say things were never good with her. When they got divorced, my dad was granted custody. Not because of my mom's history but because she told the judge she didn't want us. My dad tried to work with her as far as her seeing us as much as she wanted. That lasted for maybe a month or two and then she just vanished. She stopped coming by or calling. She just left.
From that point on we didn't see her for many many years. When I was in high school, I believe I was a Junior, my sister S (the middle one) found my grandma's address and decided to write her a letter asking her if she knew where my mom was. A few weeks later we got a letter back. We decided to see her. We spent about a year and a half seeing her and then she snapped and things went way wrong. It was terrible. I wanted to believe that things were going to be different but they weren't. She disappeared once again.
I have seen her one other time since then. It was when I was 22 and S was having her first baby. She had been in contact with my mom and invited her to the hospital when her son was born. I had no clue she would be there (S didn't tell me because she was afraid I wouldn't come if she was there). I put on my big girl undies and sucked it up. It was hard. It hurt. I had so many questions for her but I had no desire to talk to her. I didn't want to hear her lies or excuses so I just smiled and tried to be friendly. I decided to give her a call a few days later in hopes of maybe salvaging some sort of relationship with her. We talked for a few hours and then I never heard from her again. I wasn't going to chase her down.
A few years later right before S had her second baby my mom got into contact with her again via My.spa.ce. I told S that I in no way wanted to be involved. I also told her that I didn't think she should either. It always ends in heartbreak and now she had two children to think about. I didn't want my nephews to be hurt by her the way were were. She was pretty much in agreement after she gave my mom her phone number. She began getting strange messages from her where it was obvious she was using drugs again. She ignored the calls and a few months later they finally stopped. I was happy. In the short time they did communicate S shared info about me and my life as well as pictures and I didn't think that was right.
Fast forward to last Fall. S called me all upset because my mom found her on FB. She didn't know what to do. I told her I thought she should ignore it. I reminded her of all the chances she gave my mom and how they all ended. I also told her very clearly that if she did chose to be involved I did not want her sharing any info about me or my life including pictures. I especially didn't want Mary-Grace involved. She agreed and said she had decided it was best to keep her distance.
Well, this morning I went to leave my sister a FB message to wish her a happy birthday and I saw that she is now friends with my mom. I know she has every right to do what she wants to do with the situation but the problem is that although my profile is private, my mom will still be privy to some of my info just because of my sister. If S decides to post pics of MG when she gets here my mom will see them. And judging by what happened last time S will just give her info anyway. And although S has the right to have this relationship if she wants, I also have the right not to and to keep my life private. And truth be told, if I show up at the hospital in July when S has her baby and my mom is there I will leave. I've been the bigger person in the past and this time I'm going to do what I think is the right thing. I do not want to be dragged into that drama again.
And let's be honest. It hurts seeing her. It hurts to look at your mom and realize that you don't know her, and she doesn't know you all because she chose for it to be that way. It's very hard to go through life without her. It has been especially hard these last few month being pregnant. I would love to have my mother here for this. I would love to have a mother's support. I would love for my daughter to know my mother. But it just can't be that way. Since Nana passed away it's even been harder. Now I don't have the only woman who could possibly fill the roll of a mother. It's hard and it hurts. But I know that distancing myself and standing my ground is best. As much as it hurts it's the right thing to do.
K thinks I should talk to S about it and explain how I feel. My issue is what to say. She is pretty sneaky and does a lot behind my back. She has before. She has said in the past that she would respect my wishes and then hasn't. I don't want to seem like a cold heartless person. I'm not doing these things out of spite for my mother. I'm doing it for my own sanity. It hurts too much every time she walks away.
So, my question to you all is...Do you have any advice on how to handle this. It's ok to tell me I'm being ridiculous. I can take it. :)
