For all of those still waiting...

 

 

 

 

I haven't forgotten the pain of waiting. I haven't forgotten how difficult this time of year can be. I have been praying for you. Please know, I haven't forgotten.

She's Fine

Hannah's pediatrician called and said her x-ray came back normal. He said that although ER soft spot is on the small side, you can clearly see the spaces between plates. We are going to keep an eye on it but for now she is fine. He said some kids just have lumpy, funny shaped heads. :)

This sweet girls says thank you for all your prayers!!!


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Quick Takes - What's your favorite?

1. What's your favorite jeans? Winter is coming and I need jeans! I don't want "mom" jeans, but I have hips and a butt...oh and a fabulous little pooch thanks to my beautiful little girls. ;) I'd also like something that doesn't stretch 2 sizes bigger an hour after I put them on. I'm willing to spend a bit of money on them of they are awesome!

2. I need eye cream! I'm getting dark circles and I look tired all the time (probably because I am). I'm going to be 30 in less than 2 months (yikes!). I guess it's probably time to admit that I need something anti-aging too.

3. What kind of body lotion do you like? My skin is much drier as I get older and after having kids. I can't seem to find one I like.

4. What's your favorite foundation? Again, kids have changes my skin. I have combination skin. There are dry spots but it gets very oil as the day goes on...especially in Florida heat.

5. What's your favorite lipstick. I've gotten out of the habit of putting it on. I wear gloss but it rubs off in 20 minutes. I've noticed hubs compliments me every time I wear lipstick so may e I should do it more often. The problem is I'm super indecisive.

6. Favorite face moisturizer? I've tried coconut oil...didn't work for me. Again, I have combination skin. I'd prefer something on the more natural side.

7. What are you doing this weekend? We are leaving Mary-Grace with K's parents (first time! Ack!) and he, Hannah and I are going clothes shopping for me. His parents are taking her with them to some sort of reunion picnic. The thought of someone else driving her in a car makes my stomach turn and is enough to induce some serious anxiety. But I can do this! I can do it!


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Prayers for Hannah

Today I had both girls at the pediatrician for their 18 month and 6 month well visits (although they are actually 19 and 7 months...oops). Mary-Grace is my tall skinny girl at 33 3/4 inches and 24.9 pounds. Hannah is my tank at 27 3/4 inches and 17.2 pounds. Both girls looked healthy and are doing well developmentally. However, he did notice an issues with Hannah's skull. He believes that she may (well, more than likely) have craniosynostosis. Basically this is where the different plates in the skull fuse too early causing an odd shaped head and preventing brain growth. It is possible for this to cause neurological problems, however, Hannah doesn't seem to be exhibiting any of that. It is something that must be corrected. And unfortunately the only way to do that is through surgery. I can tell you that Dr. Google is not my friend and after reading about the surgery I am terrified. Friday morning I take her in for an x-ray. That will more than likely be followed by a CT scan and then a trip to a specialist. If my pediatrician is right ( after reading more I believe he is) we will have to do surgery sooner rather than later due to her age.
I'm trying very hard not to get ahead of myself but this is hard. My momma heart is broken and afraid. Any prayers you can spare for my baby girl are very much appreciated. And of you could also pray for the doctors we come in contact with. I have a very strong distrust of doctors in general. Thank you so much...I'll keep you updated.
Oh, and on a completely different, and much happier note...I HAVE A NEW NEPHEW!!!
Ryker Kai




He could use a few prayers too if you have them. He had a bit of a dramatic entrance into the world and although he will be fine, he's been spending some time in the NICU. He sure is a cutie though. :)
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Quick Takes - Questions

1.  Do you do Santa?  Hubs and I are not on the same page about this one.  He says we shouldn't, I say we should.  Both of us grew up with Santa.  He is worried that it will take away from what Christmas truly is.  I think that you can easily do both.  My thinking is to play Santa way down.  And even possible make it very fairytale like...where we never make it like Santa really exists.  Does that make sense?  He wants to just do St. Nicholas' feast day where we do stockings from St. Nick (so this would be like our Santa?) and then Christmas (where all gifts are from us).  He asked me to poll you ladies.  So, do you do Santa?

2.  Do any of you have very young ones sharing a room?  Hannah is not sleeping through the night, but as soon as she is we plan to move her to her crib in Mary-Grace's room.  They are so close in age, and our house is rather small, so we always planned on them sharing.  However, now that we are getting near this actually happening, I'm concerned with the logistics.  Mary-Grace has become a pretty good sleeper, I don't want to mess that up.  And Hannah is a pretty light sleeper so I don't want Mary-Grace rolling around to wake her up.  We do have a sound machine in there...but if any of you have tips on how to make this work, I'm all ears!

3.Do you wear your wedding rings all of the time?  After K and I got engaged, I didn't take my engagement ring off the entire time we were engaged except to shower or touch raw meat etc.  After we got married I started taking my rings off to sleep because having 3 on all the time (I have my engagement ring and then a band on each side of it) was making my fingers peel.  Then at some point I just stopped wearing them while I was home.  This wasn't a huge deal when I was working because I always had them on when I was out.  Well now that I'm home everyday I noticed that if I didn't go somewhere it would be days without my rings on.  Something about that just didn't sit well with me.  About 2 or so months ago I decided to make sure I was at least wearing my wedding bad all the time (except for showers and such).  I sleep with that one band...everything.  I put the other two on if I'm leaving the house or people are coming on.  I've noticed that it's a nice reminder of my first vocation as a wife.  My days get so consumed as my vocation as a mother that I need this little reminder.  So, do you always wear your rings?

4.  When y'all started your blog, did you have any idea the friendships that would come from it?  I sure didn't!  I have made so many fabulous friends.  Some I talk to of FB regularly  Some I have never met but text multiple times a day.  Some I have met.  One was even here for the birth of my daughter.  I'm so amazed at the wonderful friendships I have made through this little community.  I am so thankful for all of you every day!

My oldest has even made a friend thought this little blog..

Mary-Grace and Hannah Rose in March, the weekend Hannah Clare was born.

Hannah Rose and Mary-Grace a few weeks ago.  My goodness 6 months makes a huge difference!  Someone stop the clock!

5. What's your favorite toddler friendly snacks?  I need some new ideas!  I make Mary-Grace these peanut butter/oatmeal "cookie" things that she loves.  There's no added sugar and they are really yummy (I've been known to eat them for breakfast).  But I need some new ideas.

6.  I'm working really hard on staying on top of the house work.  Any tips or chore schedules you use?

7.  How many years have you been married?  K and I will be celebrating 6 years this Sunday.  I'm so excited!  I love anniversaries, birthdays, anything we can celebrate really.  We don't really have any plans other than to disconnect for the weekend and just spend a quality weekend with each other and our girls.  In fact our big plans for tonight include cleaning our garage.  Of course we'll drink champagne while doing it.  That makes it romantic, right?

Hands

I love how God sometimes uses the ordinary, everyday to give us a huge message.

Mary-Grace is becoming quite independent.  She runs all over the place and rarely looks back for me.  We have a rule in parking lots and near streets - she has to hold my hand.  She often doesn't like this and does everything in her power to yank her hand from mine.  This usually results in her telling me "No!No!" while I hold tightly to her wrist.  When I'm not carrying Hannah, I pick her up and remind her that if she isn't going to hold my hand in the parking lot then she can't walk.

There is one exception to her independence - steps.  Particularly (because that's the one she encounters daily) the step from our garage into our laundry room.  Every time we arrive home from wherever we've been for the day, I take her out of her carseat and let her walk to the door while I get Hannah.  Without fail, every single time, when she gets to the door to the laundry room she puts one foot up and then reaches her hand back for me. She doesn't turn her head back to see if I'm there, she knows I will be.  She just holds out her hand for me to take so I can help her.

The other day we were going about our regular routine.  After returning from storytime she put that one foot up on the step, and held out her little hand for me to take.  It was then that it hit me, God does the same for me.  When I hold out my hand, God takes it and leads me.  I often go running in my own direction.  I try to be independent and think that I don't need help.  I'm often like my little Peanut in the parking lot.  Resisting my Father's helping hand.  But every now and then I realize that I need help, I need God (I only wish I realized this more often).  I don't have to look back to see if he is there.  I can simply hold my hand out and he'll take it.  He will always be there, anticipating my need just as I do for my children.

A Mother's Love

I've been seeing my counselor every other week for quite awhile now.  I went kicking and screaming, but I do love it.  Up until last week it has been rather "surface."  She knew briefly of my childhood, but not the details.  She didn't prod about it.  She said that the Holy Spirit would bring out what needed to come out and when.  She wanted me to just try to relax and go with what felt natural...so I did.

At our last session we started how we always do - with prayer and then her asking me how things were going.  I told her that outwardly I was doing much better.  The medication is definitely helping me to function in the day to day.  I actually didn't realize how bad it had gotten.  I told her that for the first time I'm truly enjoying my girls.  I know that sounds horrible, but it's the truth.  Anxiety completely robbed my of the joys of anything, motherhood included.  I told her that we've been spending every afternoon in the backyard.  I relax on a blanket with Hannah while she explores the grass and Mary-Grace explores the yard, mostly playing in the hose.  We've begun going to storytime at Barnes & Noble and the library.  And this week we are going to start going to a toddler playgroup at our church.  I can venture to the Mall with both in tow and not panic when they both start having meltdowns.  I have much more patience with my husband and am enjoying quiet evenings with him.  I'm able to somewhat keep up with our house (well, better than before).  And the thought of someone seeing my not perfect house doesn't cause a panic attack.  It's lovely really.

However, although my outsides are doing wonderfully, my inside still isn't so great.  I'm able to function normally, but my mind still races.  I still have overwhelming fears and obsessions.  I still struggle with worrying about things constantly.

I told her my biggest anxiety issues is an obsession with death.  And when I say obsessed, I mean it.  Every single time my husband walks out the door to go to work, I'm convinced he will be killed in a car accident and not come home to me.  If one of my girls are in the car with him, I worry about them too.  I worry every time one of my sisters leave my house to go home...or my dad...or a friend.  I'm convinced everyone around me is going to die.  I don't want to have someone watch the girls so K and I can go do something alone because I'm  afraid something will happen to both of us and leave our girls alone.  And this fear of death goes far beyond just car accidents.  I fear choking, head injuries, dropping a knife on Mary-Grace while I am chopping veggies, etc. etc.  It's such a crippling fear.

I explained that I've never lost a close family member to a wreck.  I knew two kids my senior year of high school who were killed in an accident, but we weren't close.  I've never had anyone around me die from some sort of freak accident.  Illness, yes, but that's only a tiny bit of my death fear.  I couldn't figure out why my mind was always going there.

Until I said it out loud.  And she gave me a look.  It was like the lights suddenly turned on in my head.  It's not about cars at all.  It's about abandonment.  You would think that after being abandoned by my mother at such a young age, this would be obvious.  But for me it really wasn't.  You see, I said many years ago that I forgave her.  I realized that she was/is sick, so I forgave her.  I always said that I was probably much better off being raised without her than with her.  But as my counselor pointed out, my adult-self forgave her, my child-self hasn't.

Of course with this realization, and a few questions from her, memories from my childhood that I had blocked out for many, many years as a form of protection came flooding back.

She asked if I remembered when I realized that my mom wasn't coming back.  I knew immediately.  It was something I hadn't thought about in a long time.  It was just before Mother's Day.  That day at school we had worked on some sort of craft for our moms.  But I didn't have a mom.  I didn't have one to give the tiny hand print I had made.  In my mind I knew I would give it to my Nana, but my heart broke.  It was the second Mother's Day since my parent's divorce.  It was painfully obvious that she wasn't coming back.  After school that day I sat in my Nana's lap and sobbed.  I cried for what seemed like hours.  My heart was broken and Nana knew it.  She just sat there holding me, telling me she loved me...telling me she would never leave me.

And then when I was in 8th or 9th grade, it was solidified.  Obviously by this point I knew my mother was not coming back.  I had pretty much made peace with that and moved on.  Life without her was more than normal now.  But one day I was digging through my dad's file cabinets, searching for my birth certificate, when I stumbled upon their divorce papers and the custody information.  I probably should have just moved on past it, but I couldn't.  I was curious.  It didn't take long for me to see that my mother never wanted us.  When they went before the judge she tried to tell then that my father molested us (SO NOT TRUE).  Fortunately the judge knew she was full of it.  Then when they went before the judge a second time about custody, she flat out told the judge she didn't want us.  She didn't want her own children.  She didn't want me. That hurt.  I don't know why reading something in black and white that my heart already knew hurt so bad, but it did.

I started thinking back on my childhood before my mother left.  I was old enough to have lots of memories.  Unfortunately not one of them is good.  All of the memories are filled with heartache and abuse.  Filled with instances of her slapping me so hard she left welts, dragging me up the stairs by my hair, leaving me alone so that she could get high.  I stopped for a moment and it hit me, I cannot think of one moment in my life where I felt loved by my mother.  Not one moment where I remember a hug or a kiss or sitting in her lap.  Not one.  It made me so angry.  Not for the me now, but for the me as a child.  No child should go without love from their mother.  It made me think of my girls.  Of how much my heart swells with love for them each and every day.  About how they are all I think about.  About how I love every single second I am with them.  About how I just can't hug them tight enough.  About how there is nothing in this world, NOTHING, that would keep me away from them.

And then there's my dad.  I love my dad dearly.  But unfortunately, he is a horrible alcoholic.  Terrible.  I was trying to figure out why my house is the biggest source of my anxiety.  Usually your home is your safe place.  And then it hit me, growing up, my home was not my safe place.  I never had a time when I felt secure or safe.  If our electricity wasn't getting shut off because he couldn't pay the bill (but you better believe beer was in the fridge) it was the water.  I never knew which dad to expect - the compassionate, fun, loving daddy, or the drunk, combative, argumentative man that made my skin crawl.  We often didn't have what we needed.  I couldn't rely on him for rides late in the day for fear he would be too drunk to drive (not that that stopped him).  I was humiliated by the way he acted when he was drunk so I never wanted to have friends over.  He showed up to my rehearsal dinner drunk.  I had to have my uncle tell him not to do that at my wedding.

Despite the fact that K and I are more than secure here, my child-self doesn't know what that's like.  Growing up I walked on eggshells in my house.  I have to learn that I no longer have to do that.

My counselor told me that I would probably be exhausted, and I was.  She said more memories would probably continue to flood my mind, and they did.  She said I would probably have some bad dreams that night, I did.

That evening I was snuggling Mary-Grace and reading her a book before bed.  This something she usually does with K, but I really wanted to this night.  As I sat there I wondered if my mom ever did this with me.  Later on I was nursing Hannah and rocking her to sleep.  She was a little fussy so I paced the room and sung to her.  I wondered if my mom ever did this with me.  Did she ever look at me the way that I look at my girls.  Did her heart feel like it was going to burst from love?  It made my heart ache for the me as a child.


That night I realized that all of this realization had a really positive, immediate, consequence.  It made me love my children even more.  Sure I loved them before.  I loved them so much I didn't know it was possible to love them more, but I do.  I don't want there to ever, EVER, be a time in their lives where they doubt that I love them.  I am their momma, I love them more than could possibly be explained.  I will do everything I can to make sure that they know that each and every day.

My View - It's still summer here.

Backyard Adventures







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Tuesday Tidbits

I had some bananas that were on their last leg yesterday so I decided to make some banana bread.  I also had some blueberries in the freezer so I thought, what the heck?  I threw the blueberries in and made blueberry walnut banana bread.  Delicious!

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I had a follow up with my Napro doctor on Saturday.  She wanted to check on how things were going with the Zo.lo.ft as well as do an exam to check for cervical eversion.  She did find an eversion, she said a stage 2.  She treated it with some silver nitrate and I go back in about a month for another treatment.  She said that, along with stress could be what's causing my constant white stickers.  I'm also continuing with the vaginal progesterone for 10 days each cycle starting on p+3.  The progesterone has already made a huge difference!  I had my first green sticker a few days ago in almost 6 months.  Wahoo!

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While she was doing her exam she also noticed a small polyp.  She said it appears to be on my cervix but could possible be in my uterus and just sticking out (she could move it which is why she thought this).  She told me to try not to worry too much about it.  She is going to see if it is there at my next appointment with her.  Apparently it is possible that it will just come out with my next cycle.  If it is still there, I will have to make an appointment with my GYN to see about having it removed and tested.  She begged me not to worry about it but that's not really in my nature.  I'm trying hard, I really am.  I only did one quick search on Dr. Google and then made myself stop.  If you could spare a prayer or two for me that would be very much appreciated.

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I had p+7 bloodwork yesterday.  Along with the usual hormone stuff she is checking thyroid, vit D, and a whole bunch of other stuff.  I'm actually praying it all comes back horrible.  Although the Zo.lo.ft is helping, I know there is something bigger going on.  I just need the bloodwork to prove it so I can get a doctor to treat it.

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My sweet Mary-Grace and Hannah will be 18 months and 6 months in just a little over a week.  I cannot believe it!  Expect a post dedicated to each of them soon.

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Hannah cut her first tooth the other day.  5 1/2 months old and she already has a tooth!  I know all babies are different, but Mary-Grace didn't get hers until 8 1/2 months so it wasn't even on my radar.  Hannah was extremely fussy for a few days and then she bit down on my finger and I could just feel that little razor blade poking through her gums.  Crazy!

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I decided to try to introduce a bottle to Hannah last week.  I pumped and had K give it to her right away  while it was still very fresh and warm.  Kid was not having it!  She refused to suck and spit out any milk that happened to make it into her mouth while making a nasty face.  Our 6 year anniversary is next month and I was thinking it might be nice for K and I to go to dinner, just the two of us.  We haven't done that since before Mary-Grace was born, so a year and a half.  I think it's time. :)  We also have a wedding to go to in January and it's no children.  It's one of my best friends so I really want to go.  But obviously this kid has to take a bottle.  Any suggestions on how to get her to do it?

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After having my fancy pants camera for over a year, I have finally decided to try to learn how to use it manually.  I'm just teaching myself (using the girls of course) and winging it.  I'm surprised at how awesome some of my pictures are coming out!  Well, awesome for a newbie. :)

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Here's a photo dump of said pictures. :)

Finally passed out!

Sweet Sleep

Look at that drool!

Her hair cracks me up!

She passed out while playing. :)

Playing in the kiddie pool at Grandma's.

Grandma's on Labor Day

Mary-Grace's first boat ride.

K took MG out to play in the rain...she wanted to water the veggies.

He sprayed her which she thought was hilarious!

Papa gave her frosting. :)

Sweet Relief

After a whirlwind of doctors who didn't seem to want to help me I finally made an appointment with my Napro doctor.  Why I didn't start with her, I have no idea.  I did talk to her back in June and she gave me progesterone.  But when that didn't work, I assumed she couldn't do anything else.  I'm not sure why.

A few weeks ago K told me I was starting to scare him.  He worried about the girls and me all day while at work.  Now, I was not at the point where I ever contemplated hurting my babies.  But I can completely understand his concern.  With my anxiety came an obsession with death.  Not that I planned on causing death, more that we were all going to die.  I worried every second of every day that one of my girls, K, myself, other family members, was going to die.  I would have these elaborate visions (I'm not sure if that's the right word) of what would happen.  It was terrifying.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't function.  I was having panic attacks every morning when K would leave for work.  I was convinced he was going to be in a accident.  I would stay awake staring at Mary-Grace's monitor because I was terrified that someone was going to break in and kidnap her.  The list could go on and on.

Last Wednesday when I met with Dr. G she was so amazing.  I almost cried because she actually listened to me.  Imagine that.  A doctor who actually listens and doesn't just dismiss you (that may sound harsh but my experience with doctors hasn't exactly been good).  We went over options and both agreed that things were bad enough that for now an antidepressant would probably be a good idea.  She had done some research prior to our meeting and we agreed on what we believed would be the safest while breastfeeding Hannah.  I understand the risks (they really are minimal) and am willing to take it.  She also agreed with me that this more than likely has a hormonal component.  She ordered bloodwork for hormones (progesterone and estrogen), a thyroid panel, as well as Vitamin D and some other things.  I'm also continuing on the injections of the vitamin cocktail my midwife prescribed me (B12, B6,B1, and Folic Acid).  Then in a few weeks I have an appointment with her again to discuss how the Zo.lof.t is working.

We also discussed the insane amount of white stickers on my chart.  Basically if it isn't red, it's white.  I guess there is a protocol for yellow stickers if you are breastfeeding and you cycle hasn't returned and some other protocol but I don't technically fit in either one of those.  She mentioned a possible cervical eversion and when I go back in we're going to check for that (I was on CD 3 so checking wasn't an option).  She also prescribed vaginal progesterone for some point after my peak day (I can't remember exactly when right now).  She said sometimes that helps dry up the constant cm.

I started taking the zo.lo.ft the very next day.  She told me it may take a while for me to notice a difference.  Nope, I noticed a difference the first day.  I cannot tell you the relief I feel.  I'm still having some strange thoughts but they are not crippling anymore.  I have the thoughts and I can sort of push them from my mind.  I haven't had a single panic attack since I started taking it.  That's huge!  I've been having daily ones for months.  I haven't cried over silly things either.  I can't tell you how long it's been since I haven't cried.  It's been amazing!  K is no longer getting frantic texts from me throughout the day telling him about how I'm losing it and I can't do it anymore.  I know he must feel so much better.  His stress level is high enough without worrying about whether or not his wife is going off the deep end.  And believe me, that was not a far fetched worry.  I honestly believed I had one foot in the door of a hospital.  It was that bad.

Antidepressants is definitely not where I wanted to go.  But I had to realize that I need to take care of my family and I wasn't able to do that.  I had to put a lot of pride aside, admit that I couldn't do it alone, and recognize that this wasn't about me, it's about my girls.  My girls deserve a mother who is present with them and can handle life.

I'm so thankful for all of you who have been praying for me and who have send encouraging emails and texts.  I cannot tell you how they helped get me through some really dark days.  I'm definitely still at the beginning of this journey, but I feel like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I was beginning to think there wasn't a light.

Quick Takes

Yes, I know it's Saturday... :)  Here we go...


1.  Some days I think things are getting better, then other days they appear to be getting worse.  Much, much worse.  I honestly don't have the energy to explain everything that has happened as far as me seeing a counselor, a doctor, and my midwife over the past few weeks in order to get to the root and fix my anxiety.  Let's just say counseling is going well, my doctor was a joke, and my midwife is amazing!  I am now on B12 shots (daily for now, then lowering) and have an appointment with a doctor on Wednesday who comes highly recommended from my midwife (it's her doctor).  I am praying he has answers for me.

2.  I'm throwing a baby shower early next month for my youngest sister who is having a little boy in October.  I'm broke and have very little time.  Anyone have any suggestion for inexpensive and easy baby shower type things?  I want it to be nice but I can't go into debt over it and I'm really, really lacking in extra hours in each day.

3.   My sweet Mary-Grace has definitely entered the toddler phase.   With that comes tantrums, lots and lots of tantrums.  I love this kid but man is she dancing on my last nerve.  Her new favorite thing is to throw things.  Unfortunately somethings these things land on her little sisters head.

4.  I have lived in Florida my whole life but I can no longer take the heat and humidity.  It is seriously like a freaking sauna outside.  I hate to even walk to the mailbox.  I'm ready to move.

5.  I think Hannah may be an early crawler.  At 4 1/2 months she is able to scoot on her belly all over the place.  Cracks me up.  I think she's trying to keep up with her big sister.

6.  Mary-Grace finished up swim lessons last week.  She definitely can't swim on her own yet but she is doing amazing and K learned all the tools to keep teaching her.  Living in Florida, knowing how to swim is not an option.

7.  Last night a good friend of mine from high school came over with her fiance for dinner.  She live about an hour away so we rarely see each other anymore.  It was so nice and just what I needed.  And she brought wine and chocolate.  I love her.  :)  I made this as one of our sides.  SO GOOD!  I plan on adding a little mozzarella and maybe some basil for lunch one day this week.  YUM!!!

Why I Love My Husband

...Because he fights for me when I can't or don't have the will to fight for myself.  Because he picks up the slack when I don't have the energy.  Because he calls doctors, makes appointments, and asks questions when I don't have the courage.  Because he pushes me to at least try, even when I feel like it is pointless.  Because he encourages me to have hope even when it looks hopeless.  Because he holds me tight and cries with me when I feel like my world is collapsing.  Because he loves me no matter how difficult I am...no matter what.  Because he tells me I'm beautiful every day, even when I'm still in the same pj's that I was when he left for work.

I am a blessed woman.  So very, very blessed.

Two Years

Two years ago today I entered the church.  You can read about my conversion here.

That same weekend we found out about our sweet Peanut.

You can read about the actual weekend here and here.

Then a little less than one year later it happened again!

And no, I'm not coming here to announce a number 3.  We have to get my head right first.

The past two years have been a wild ride!  It's overwhelming to think of all of the blessings K and I have received.  And while things aren't so great as far as my mental state at the moment, I will always, always be so thankful for my two beautiful babies, and the Catholic Church.

This really is my dream come true.

Please ignore the robe and pj pants. :) This was taken 2 days after Hannah's birth.

My Plan

I had a horrible weekend (and Monday).  HORRIBLE!  My anxiety was at an all time high and I had a panic attack that I thought for sure was going to land me in a psychiatric ward.  It was bad, really, really, bad.  I wrote about it but for the time being have decided not to post it.  I feel like for right now I need to try to move forward and think about what I need to do to fix this.  I do not want to live like this.  I cannot continue to live like this.  It's not an option.

First of all K and I are desperately searching for a therapist.  I found a website that helps you to find Catholic ones, however there were only 2 listed for the state of Florida.  One was about 6 hours North of me, the other 6 hours South.  That certainly won't work.  So how the heck to I pick a person to bare the depths of my soul to?  I can pull our insurance provider list up.  But how does that help me pick someone I'm compatible with?  Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.  I do believe that this PPD is hormonal in nature, but I also believe that some of it is some deep routed issues from my past (specifically involving my mother).  I need to talk this out with a professional.

Next, exercise.  I used to be an athlete.  I played softball from the time I was 6 until 18.  I played competitively on a travel team as well as a regular league.  I also ran track in high school.  I loved it and remember it being a great way to blow off steam.  An injury sidelined me and I just never got back into any of it once I recovered.  I've gotten terribly out of shape since and it's caused my self-esteem to tank.  K is a runner so I decided what the heck, why don't I get back into running.  Last week I started C25K and we have a love/hate relationship.  I like that it's getting my heart pumping but I really despise running.  I loath it.  But I'm determined to stick with it.

I was at a baby shower about 2 weeks ago and this woman started telling me about this thing called Stro.ller Sr.rides.  It's a way of exercising with your babies in a stroller.  It sounded interesting but when I looked it up it was a bit expensive, especially if I paid for it and didn't like it.  Well I just saw it as a Livi.ngSoc.ial deal at over 50% off.  I decided it was a sign and bought it.  I'll be starting that next week.

So the plan?
Monday, Wednesday, Friday - Sro.ller St.rides
Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday - C25K
Sunday - Rest

I'm hoping the exercise helps burn off some steam and lessens my anxiety.  If anything, it should at least help me to get into shape and boost my self-esteem.

I'm also working on cleaning and organizing my house.  I've never been a super neat person and I am bad about clutter.  It never used to bother me but it definitely does now.  In fact, clutter and mess is what caused one of my anxiety attacks this past weekend.  So, I'm working on a list of every area of the house that needs to be decluttered and deep cleaned.  I plan to make them small areas that will take me no more than 30 minutes to clean.  I want to work on one area each night after Mary-Grace goes to bed.

I think meal planning is a huge piece of organization.  I've been doing it weekly but I think I'm going to switch to monthly.  I also want to include int his menu snacks, breakfast (mostly for MG) and lunch (again, mostly for MG).  I also want to work in one day a month where I make a few freezer meals for those days when nothing seems to be going right and we need something easy.

I'm also working on a housekeeping schedule.  Of course certain things have to be done daily (dishes, counters, etc).  But I want a weekly schedule for things like vacuuming, mopping, laundry (the girls, mine and K's, sheets/towels, and diapers), bathrooms, dusting, grocery shopping, etc.  I'm hoping that some sort of schedule will help things not get away from me so I won't get so overwhelmed.

Not to mention prayer.  My prayer life has slipped terribly since Hannah's birth.  I just don't find the time and I need to.  I've decided to buy a prayer journal.  I do better when I write so why not write my prayers?  I learned about prayer journals when I took a prayer seminar thing while I was pregnant with Mary-Grace.  It was amazing and I need to get back to the things I learned.  I'm going to go buy myself a nice, pretty journal that I love and a nice pen so it will encourage me to use it.  I know that may sound silly, but I've always had a thing for stationary and office supplies.

Any other suggestions?  I'm open to everything and willing to try almost anything.

Wordless Wednesday

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse they typos. My phone thinks it's smarter than me.

Charting *Updated*

Well look at me posting two days in a row.  I haven't done that since before Mary-Grace was born.

Not that many of you will really want to read this post.  It's going to be full of way, way too much information.  I mean really.  So, if you're not up for reading about blood, and cm, and what's not happening in this house, stop now.  Just turn and run. I won't be offended.

Alright, you've been warned.

After MG was born I had postpartum bleeding for what is considered longer than "usual".  I want to say it was 7-8 weeks.  After it stopped my cycles came back about 2 weeks later.  They were horribly painful but my chart looked pretty good.  Eight days of bleeding (which is actually good for me) followed by some green stickers about 7 white and lots of pretty green (I say pretty green because prior to MG I never ever had green stickers with the exception of the cycle we conceived).  I only had about one day or so of TEBB (which is FABULOUS for me) and all looked normal.  Although I was irritated at the quick cycle return I was happy that my body seemed to actually be doing something right with no help.

This time around.  Oh my goodness...it's insane.  I had postpartum bleeding for I think about 10ish weeks.  I can't remember exactly (I wasn't charting yet).  Then I had 2 days of white stickers followed by 8 red.  Then 3 more white, 10 red, 5 white, 1 red, 1 white, 11 red, and now I'm on my 13th white.  That is not normal.  I know they say that almost anything is normal while breastfeeding, but this can't be normal.  I'm over it and longing to see a green sticker and some sort of sign of something fairly normal.

We are absolutely avoiding a baby right now.  Partly due to the fact that I just had 2 babies in 1 year (my body needs to heal), partly due to ppd (my mental state needs to improve), and largely in part to what I just mentioned above (obviously I'm not healthy and fear it would not be a healthy pregnancy).

Well if you noticed, there is not one green sticker above, and I'm currently just over 14 weeks postpartum, coupled with the fact that I was huge and pregnant and didn't want to be touched, you do the math on what hasn't happened in a really,really long time.

All I know is that I have one really really patient husband.

I'm guessing I need some bloodwork.  But when would I do it?  Typically it's timed around certain points in your cycle.  Well, I have no clue where I am in my cycle...would you even consider any of this a cycle?

When I got pregnant with Hannah so quickly, I thought my body must be healed.  Maybe we finally figured it all out and I didn't have any issues anymore.  Not so much.  

So, do any of you charting experts have any idea what's going on? I'm at the end of my rope.  This is not fun. 


*I had my appointment with Angela last night.  Right away she said I definitely needed some yellow stickers.  She explained it to me but said I had to do some sort of essential sameness test each day for 2 weeks then I'll go back in and get the stickers.  It seems easy enough so that's our new plan.  I can see where there is definitely room for human error as far as avoiding but we aren't super concerned.  While we don't plan to actively try at the moment for the above mentioned reasons, we are always open to life.  And should God see fit to bless us again then we'll be grateful for that.  His plan always ends up better than my plan anyway.

We also discussed the crazy bleeding.  The good news is that I've had 13 full days without any bleeding.  My hope is that that's all behind us now.  I've got a call in to my Napro doc but I'm thinking it was so sort of wacky postpartum thing.  Angela said she's seen this 2 other times.  And while it's not "normal," they couldn't find anything wrong with her other clients either.  I have been checked (a few weeks back) for retained placenta.  That wasn't the issue.  But like I said.  I have a call in to Dr. G so we'll get her take.

So the plan for now is yellow stickers until this lets up or until I have my first real cycle.  She explained that all of this CM doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong.  She said it's fairly common in women who are breastfeeding.  She also told me about something called cervical eversion.  It is something that can happen due to oral contraception use or vaginal delivery.  It's basically an inflammation of the cervix.  It's not uncommon and I guess if you aren't charting you probably wouldn't really notice the excess mucus.  It doesn't really seem to cause health problems but it can be fixed in a doctor's office with a little cauterization.  We'll see what Dr. G thinks.

Can I just say how much my mood has changed just since last night.  I think all of this craziness was really starting to weigh me down.  It's not fun bleeding for that long.  It's exhausting.  Thank you all for your prayers and advice.  You ladies rock!

It's not all doom and gloom...

My last two posts have been pretty dreary.  While most days are filled with anxiety and lots of tears, not everyday is bad.  I do have good days.  Days where the anxiety is at a minimum and there are no crying fests in sight.  Sometimes I have a few of these really good days in a row.  This past weekend was one of those.  

This post could easy be one of those "Why I Love My Husband" posts as well.

Sometime last week I texted K while he was working and told him I really needed a change of scenery.  He texted me back almost immediately with "How about we go to the beach?"  Um, heck yes!  We live only about an hour from the gulf and a little over an hour away from Ft. Desoto.  It's one of our favorite places but the last time we went was about two weeks before Mary-Grace was born.  You can read about that here.  When we were dating and first married we used to go the the beach all the time.  Slowly we got busy and it happened less and less.

So on Friday I headed out to get myself a new baithingsuit.  I totally stretched out the one I wore a few years ago by squeezing my 39 week pregnant self into it a few months back.  I also picked up some picnic lunch type things and a new beach blanket.  We packed up the car Friday night and headed out first thing Saturday morning.  Of course first thing with two babies doesn't happen as quickly as it did in our pre children days, but we eventually got on the road.

It was hot, very hot, but it was beautiful!  After we got set up, I fed Mary-Grace lunch and then fed Hannah. Then we took the girls for a dip in the Gulf.  Unfortunately I didn't get a picture of Hannah putting her toes in the ocean for the first time.  But she loved it!

Hannah decided to take a nice little snooze so K took Mary-Grace back into the ocean to play while I laid in the sun.  Oh how I miss laying in the sun.  It wasn't for long but it was so relaxing!  Just what I needed.  I spent some time sitting at the edge of the water with my oldest just laughing and playing in the sand.

After awhile we took a short walk around the wooded area of the park before heading home.

Mmmmm lunch!

She recently found her feet.

Sleeping to the sound of the ocean...the best kind of sleep. :)

Playing in the ocean with Daddy.  And just a little tip, when there is miles of beach, don't sit you stuff right in front of someone else. :0/

Here hair, it cracks me up!

My little mini me.

Sleeping on our walk. 

That night K ordered pizza so I didn't have to cook.  Then the next morning after I fed Hannah, he took her and handled Mary-Grace when she woke up so I could sleep in.

It was FABULOUS!

Later that day he gave me some time to finally use the awesome new sewing machine the girls got me for Mother's Day.  I cranked out two adorable pillowcase dresses for the girls to wear to Mass that night.  Unfortunately I forgot to take a picture.

It was most definitely just what I needed!  Am I magically cured?  No.  Did it help me to feel a little normal?  Absolutely!

And a few pictures from some other "good days" I've had recently...

Hannah's Baptism

I forgot to charge my camera though so we only got a few pictures. :(  Poor second child.

Fourth of July

My Hannah-Bear!  I love this kid!

Don't you just want to eat those cheeks?

Her cheeks look pretty delicious too. :)

I may be a little bias, but isn't she beautiful?

My very failed attempt to get a picture of them together.

Fun with the new bubble machine.  Best $12 I've spent in awhile!

How cute is that outfit?

Quick Takes

Has it really been almost a month since my last post? Yikes! Thank you all so much for your prayers! Here's a quick takes to update you on how things are going.

And please excuse any wonkiness... I'm doing this from my phone and it tends to do weird things.

1. The progesterone didn't do a darn thing. Nothing...nada...I feel no different. Yippie. I'm not sure where to go from here. K thinks I need to talk to someone else, perhaps to get on a low dOse of an anti depressant. He's probably right, but I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to admit that it's at that point. I know that seems silly but like I think I mentioned in my last post, I come from a scary history of mental illness in my family. I've always feared this.

2. I've been trying to do some behavioral type things to see if that helps. I take everything minute by minute (at least I try to). I'm trying to communicate my feeling and frustrations with K more. And I'm TRYING (emphasis on trying) to ask K for help when I need it. He is an AMAZING husband and wants so badly for me to feel better.

3. I treated myself to a pedicure last Saturday...ALONE. It was the first time I had been alone in over 15 months (sinceary-Grace was born). I'm not kidding when I say I haven't been alone at all since then. No grocery store trip...rarely a trip to the bathroom. I felt so selfish but deep down I knew I really needed it. I fed Hannah right before I left and since the nail salon is less than 5 minutes away I was sure I could get there and back before she was hungry again. It as a fabulous hour. I fell asleep sitting in the massage chair while she rubbed my feet. I felt great but unfortunately it only helped the immediate. However, it was very worth it and I thi k I need to try to find room in our budget to do it monthly. It's only $15 if you pay cash...I'm sure I can cut $5 from three other pieces of our budget. I'm finally realizing that my sanity is a priority.

4. Hebrews mentioned in my last post about how this may have been harder for me to admit because of my history with IF. She was so right! So, so right. I feel so ungrateful all of the time. I struggled for this. This is my dream, and it's come true, yet I'm not happy. How can that be? It seriously makes me feel horrible. Just thinking about it makes me want to burst into tears. I often feel like I need to suck it up and get over it. There are so many women who would give their right arm to be in my shoes. But I can't just get over it. I've tried.

5. Another HUGE issue is my mother. I know I've mentioned her before. I have feared my entire life that I would be like her. I still fear it. Anytime I feel like I just need to get away for a minute I wonder if I'm going to be like her. Is that how it started? Did she first feel like she just needed a minute? Then that minute turned into a few days. Then those days turned into months...then years? Is that how she abandoned us? Although there is no part of me that has an desire to walk away from my babies, I still wonder if I'm going to be like her. It is a guilt I can't shake. It breaks me.

6. The above is what makes me want to fix this! I WILL NOT DO TO MY GIRLS WHAT MY MOTHER DID TO ME! I WILL NOT! My babies deserve a mother. Hell, I deserve a mother. I will beat this, I have to! I'm beginning to wonder if I need therapy or counseling. Maybe getting to the root of my issues will help.

7. I don't want to leave this totally depressing, so instead, I'll leave with a few pictures of my lovely girls. :)

She loves her little sister and asks me constantly to hold her. :)



She also like to share her water...with Hannah's nose. Hannah does not look amused.





Big girl won't let me feed her yogurt anymore.




This little one is so happy...except when she's not. :)

Coming Clean

Last year not long after I became pregnant with Hannah I admitted to y'all that I was struggling with some PPD issues.  Looking back the issues begun shortly after Mary-Grace was born.  I ignored it as I tend to do with most things medical and hoped that it would just go away.  I'm a bit like my Nana was in that if I ignore something I convince myself that nothing is really wrong.  If I don't admit it, it isn't there.  It's a horrible coping mechanism that has done nothing but cause me problems.  You would think that after the countless issues that I have ignored that have only gotten worse, not better like my brain seems to tell me they will, I would learn to speak up when something isn't right.

Well I haven't...

After finally admitting last year that I was having issues I still chose not to treat them.  I was pregnant and didn't want to take any of the drugs that are considered "safe" while pregnant.  None of them were safe enough in my mind so, I decided to try to treat things with some behavior modifications and such.  It didn't work, but I convinced myself it did.

The other day I was supposed to have a follow up appointment with my Creighton Instructor.  I had an appointment at 6 weeks with her and began charting right away.  My cycles returned not long after that (or so I thought).  She wanted to meet with me again to make sure I remembered how to chart since I've been pregnant for the last 18 out of 24 months.  Anyway, I emailed her to reschedule my appointment.  I explained that I was still bleeding (the issues with my bleeding are a whole other post for another day...but I'm basically still bleeding...almost 12 weeks pp).  When she replied, she just happened to ask me how I was feeling.  I'm not sure what prompted this.  She actually very specifically asked me if I was anxious, sad, crying a lot, feeling despair, etc. etc.  I thought it was strange but replied to her that my anxiety is out of control and I'm feeling very overwhelmed but I have two very young babies so that should be expected right?  She responded and told me that she forwarded my email to my napro consultant, Dr. G.  She said she was worried about me and just wanted to make sure Dr. G was aware of what was going on.

To be honest, I thought she was just emailing her regarding the insane pp bleeding that no one can figure out (I've been checked, no retained placenta).  The next day I got a call from Dr. G.  Rather than focus on the bleeding she asked me a lot of questions regarding my emotional state.  I was very tempted to lie (I know that sounds horrible but it's the truth).  I am not good at admitting things that involve my mental state.  I know this is because I come from a very strong history of mental illness.  My whole life I have felt that if I admit that I'm not ok mentally people are going to think I'm crazy.  Then if people think I'm crazy I'm going to end up being just like my mom.  I know this is ridiculous, but I can't seem to shake it.  I even got up and went into my bedroom to talk to her so that K wouldn't here what I was telling her.

Once she was done with the questions she told me that it sounded like I am suffering from some pretty significant PPD.  She said thought that she did believe it is hormonal given my history  ( I believe it may also be thyroid and adrenal related but since I can't get a doctor to listen to me regarding that, I'll take what I can get).  She called in a prescription for progesterone hoping that we could treat it that way.  I cannot take PIO any longer due to an allergic reaction I had while pregnant with Mary-Grace so I will be taking 3 200mg pills everyday for 10 days.  She said within a day or two I should notice some improvement.  I'm on day 3 and nothing.  No difference what so ever.  My anxiety is out of control.

I've been trying to open up to K about this.  I have always been able to talk to him about anything.  For some reason though, I'm really struggling to talk to him about what's going on in my head.  What I'm trying to explain never seems to come out right.  Talking about it just tends to make me feel more crazy (I'm hoping writing about it helps).

This has been going on far too long! Well over a year is too long to suffer from PPD.  WAY TOO LONG!  I'm praying for some relief soon.  It makes me very sad to think back to Mary-Grace's first year and realize how much I missed because I wasn't ok.  It saddens me to think that the same thing is happening with Hannah's first year.  I need to be honest with myself and face this.  I have to make myself realize that it's ok if people think I'm crazy once they realize what is happening in my head.  It's ok, because I am not.  Obviously I'm having some serious difficulties that I need help with.  It has become very clear that I cannot do this on my own.  I have to get better for my babies.  I have realized with the help of K, that this isn't about me anymore.  I cannot be stubborn because my stubbornness will affect my babies.

I ask that you please pray for me.  I have a feeling there is a long road ahead of me.

I'm going to post next exactly how my mid has been working so y'all can understand what I mean...and to force myself to admit all of this.  I feel like admitting this is a step in the right direction.