Getting Involved

DH and I have been talking about getting involved more with our parish for awhile now (yes we discussed this before I had actually converted).  He had always mentioned possibly getting into working with engaged couples.  We have a great program at our parish and Fr. R takes this very very seriously.  I thought this would be fun but felt like maybe we haven't been married long enough (almost 4 years).  DH said it didn't matter.  He said that we have a wonderful marriage (and we do!) and he thinks that we may have a lot to offer.  We have been through a lot in our first 4 years of marriage (not just IF related) and rather than allow the stress of all of the craziness pull us apart we have grown so much closer together.  I actually often think back to our wedding day and think about what a silly little girl I was.  Sure, I loved dh, sure I wanted to marry him, sure I was sure.  But I had no clue!  No clue how much more I would love him (and need him) in the coming years.  And I know our love will only continue to grow.  So anyway, I began to pray about it...a lot.  And I felt like I wasn't really getting anywhere.  I felt like something just wasn't right.  I really didn't think that marriage prep was the way to go but I knew we should do something.

Fast forward to last Sunday night after Mass.  DH and I usually one of the lasts to leave the sanctuary (we actually stay for the last song to be entirely over...it seems like no one else does and we are one of the last standing).  As we are walking out K, the woman who runs Life Teen, stops us and asks if we have ever considered getting involved with the youth.  My face immediately lit up!  I have always wanted to work with a youth group.  The one I belonged to at the church I went to when I was a teen changed my life...and probably saved it too!  In my mind it would sort of be like paying it forward.  Besides, I love kids!  And although my specialty is special needs I think I can adapt.  However, I looked up at dh and he had this sort of deer in headlights look to him.  K encouraged him and told him not to be scared but I could see the fear.  She said she would like to set up a meeting with us if we wanted to and she would talk to us more this Sunday if we were interested.

As we left the vestibule Fr. R was standing outside.  DH and I went up to him because dh wanted to ask him for a blessing for me and for little sweet pea.  DH was telling him a very brief version of our IF story and mentioned that we had actually found out last weekend the weekend of my first Holy Communion.  Fr. R said that he thinks God has special plans for me and for little sweet pea.  :)  He then asked if we had ever considered getting involved in Life Teen.  Haha!  I could help but laugh.  DH asked if he and K had gotten together about this because she just asked us the same question.  He assured us he hadn't.  I could not believe it.  Too funny.

DH and I talked about it a bit more on the way home.  I can tell he is nervous about the idea.  I don't want to pressure him or anything but I sooooo want to do this.  I just think that it would be wonderful and a great way for us to get involved.  I think the high school years are so important.  It is such a difficult time in our lives, especially if we are trying to go against the grain and live out our faith.

DH isn't against it by any means.  He's just unsure.  Underneath his goofy, witty, exterior he really is shy.  I think the silliness is just his way of making himself more comfortable.  I'm just praying.  Praying that he will be clear in his decision and praying that God gives him courage.  I know he can do it...and I know kids would love him.  All of the kids in both of our families do!  He is great with them he just doesn't know it.

On another note.  Kaitlin, I promise I will get my post up about grocery shopping tomorrow. :)  It will take some work but I have saved so much money since I started all of this.  I promise. :)

A New Day

Thank you all for your support yesterday!  I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed...but I feel much better today.  I have faith that this will all work out and God will provide.  I am so fortunate and blessed to be carrying our little sweet pea.  I am not about to let anything dampen my joy and excitement.

So today I am working on being proactive rather than freaking out!

DH called his insurance company.  I am not on his health insurance because it is an HSA.  I wasn't really a fan of them and it's a bit pricey.  He explained the situation and was trying to see if he could get me added.  No such luck.  The woman explained that unless I was dropped from my insurance (which is a private insurance and won't be affected by me resigning) I cannot be added until the open enrollment period in February.  I thought this isn't good.  But then she explained that as long as I am not due until after February 1st (which I'm not) I can still be added then and they would still cover the birth.  Woohoo!  She explained that pregnancy is not considered by them to be a pre-existing condition so there is no problem there.

DH then called my doctor and explained the situation to them.  The insurance coordinator was so sweet and so helpful.  DH said he was so pleasantly surprised.  She explained that I would still have to pay the $3300 by the first of December, however, they do not bill the insurance company until the day after the baby is born.  That means the $3300 goes towards the deductible for the HSA.  Again I say Woohoo!

So even thought we have a large chunk of money to put down by December it is going to help us out for next year.  DH said the deductible for a family on his HSA is $6000.  So with the $3300 we are putting down this year that will be more than half of the deductible for next year and I'm not even on the policy yet.  Once we reach the $6000 our medical coverage is covered 100% for the rest of the year.  So that means that we will only have to pay another $2600 after February and not see another bill until after February 2012.  That is so awesome!

Unfortunately any additional things I have done between now and February will just be out of pocket and not go towards my deductible (bloodwork, my first sono, poi, etc).  But hey, this is looking much better than yesterday.  I am pleased and feel that this is definitely an answer to my prayers.

I know things aren't going to be super easy financially over the next several months.  But that's ok.  Like I told dh last night, I have had less.  DH and I are much more financially secure than I was growing up.  I know what broke looks like and although we will struggle it will be nothing like the struggles I had growing up.

The cable got shut off yesterday only about an hour after DH called.  Those guys work quickly!  I will say I already miss it.  That is really sad if you ask me.  I definitely think I was watching way way too much tv.  My gym membership is gone...but I hadn't been in awhile anyway.  There is a neighborhood pool at the front of our neighborhood and I've got a treadmill I hardly ever use.  I'm going to work on using all of that more often.  I am the coupon queen.  I got hooked on shopping smarter last summer and have since cut our grocery bills by more than half.  There's a method to the madness and I have a whole post about it in the works.

We will be fine.  I just know it. :)

As far as baby news.  I will be weeks tomorrow.  I'm feeling ok...I guess.  I am super exhausted.  Before I was pregnant I was super exhausted all the time and we were getting ready to do some testing to figure out what the problem was.  That has all sort of gone out the window now.  This exhaustion I am feeling is on a level I didn't know was possible.  I am so tired it hurts.  It makes it difficult to breath and it makes me angry.  My poor dh is taking the brunt of it but oh so sweetly. :)  It takes every ounce of energy I have to get out of bed only to make it as far as the couch.  I'm hoping it lets up a little soon.  I have had some waves of icky-ness but nothing too terribly bad.  Praying it stays like that too.

It's funny though...even in the middle of the pain from exhaustion and the ick I find myself so thankful.  So thankful that God has entrusted me with this little life.  I am truly blessed.

Where is my money tree?

I am in desperate need of one!  Does anyone know where I can get one?  The medical bills are already overwhelming me.  Let me break it down for you...

I just resigned from my job.  I know this is going to sound like I'm crazy as I get further into this post but I had good reason.  My job is dangerous.  In the past three years that I have worked with special needs children I have been injured on many many occasions.  I work with a lot of seriously autistic children and many children with serious EMH.  With these things come lots of behavior issues that can come up quickly and without warning.  I have had chairs, desks, and other objects thrown at me.  I have been kicked in the stomach on numerous occasions and had the wind knocked out of me.  Not to mention all the punches, slapps, and bites.  The school that I worked at was extremely small so there was no other position I could take that would keep me away from these situations.  DH and I talked and talked and prayed and prayed and decided that it wasn't worth the risk.  I am relieved to be home but not working brings on a whole lot more stresses.

I have medical insurance but it does not cover maternity.  Oh yippee!  I spoke with my OB the other day when making my appointment and explained that I would be self pay.  She said that I had to pay $3300 by the 1st of December.  This would cover my doctor's visits, one sono (at 20 weeks), delivery of the baby (basically just the doctor catching him/her), and postpartum.  It does not include bloodwork, additional sonograms, urine cultures, or any other tests that I need.  That will all be determined at he time of whatever procedure is done and payment is due at the time of service.  This also does not include anything that involves the hospital.  I'm guessing the hospital will just bill after the fact.  I guess the only good news in all of this is that if heaven forbid some complication arises and I end up in the hospital for some sort of complication or a c-section my medical insurance will pick that up.  Weird though if you ask me.


Then there is PPVI.  My POI is about $54/vial with shipping and needles.  I'm not 100% sure yet but I think 1 vial should get me through 2 weeks.  My blood work for PPVI is $66/test. I get 2 tests done (one for progesterone level and one that tests the health of the placenta) every other week. So we're talking $372/month for all of this fun stuff.

My head is swimming.  I'm so overwhelmed with dollar signs.  I'm trying to have a little faith and trust.  It's funny because most of the time I am totally at peace with it all but if I start thinking too much I get really anxious.  It's not a pleasant feeling.

I was discussing some of this with a friend the other day and she promptly replied "So why did you go and get yourself pregnant if you couldn't afford it." That hurt.  I know this isn't going to be easy.  I know we are going to struggle a bit.  But I'm trying to have faith that this will all work out.  We are obviously doing what we can to cut costs.  We canceled our cable today.  We canceled our gym memberships too.  I'm a super frugal shopper so I will just have to be more strict with that.  I'm going to try meal planning in order to save even more money.  And we are definitely cutting out extras like movies and dinners.  I know it will all be worth it in the end.  It's just stressful to think about right now.

So, does anyone know if there is a cheaper way to get POI?  I get mine from Kub.bats.

DH is being amazing!  He keeps telling me not to worry about anything.  He says my only job is to take care of our sweet pea.  I love that man!  I really do.  He truly is a blessing.

UPDATE...The Wait is Killing Me!

***UPDATE***
Dr. G called!  My HCG was over 1000...so this is really happening!  I AM PREGNANT!  Holy Moly!  I cannot believe it.  She said my progesterone was a bit on the low side...14.2.  I have no clue what that means.  Does anyone know what normal is?  In the excitement of the call I completely forgot to ask her. Seriously, I am freaking out right now!  Praise God!




First...did you see my ticker?  It's over to the left.  I'm 5 weeks today!  I know that isn't very far at all but I think it's exciting.  Look at all of the cool things my baby already has.  My little poppy has a heartbeat, and eye, ear, and limb buds.  That is so cool!

I still haven't heard back from Dr. G on my blood results.  This is killing me!  Who makes an IF girl who never thought she would ever be pregnant wait this long for test results?  Seriously?  This is just crazy.  I'm losing my mind over here.  I want to scream it from the rooftops but dh has convinced me to wait until we get the results back.  It's not that we think it's not real...I know it is.  DH is just a very analytical (he's an engineer) and needs to see it on paper.  I got a bit frustrated with dh last night because I feel like he isn't as excited as I am...or at least he isn't showing it.  He said he's just in shock.  Like me he thought this would never happen.  It took us two years which we both realize is nothing in the IF world.  I'm hoping when he sees it on paper he will perk up a bit.  I'm thinking about going out and getting a USF onsie for him.  Maybe that will help.  We are huge Bulls fans and have season tickets to the football games.  Maybe it will seem more real to him when he realizes that we will have a little one with us for the 2011 season.

So, I'm trying to figure out how to tell our family.  I want to do something fun.  I meant to have someone take a picture of us last Sunday after church.  DH's whole family was there (we're talking 30 people).  My idea was to play off the Mastercard Commercials.  I was going to get one of the double frames with hinges.  I would put the picture of us on one side and a card on the other that said something like this:

Picture Frame - $10

Picture - $0.30

Realizing there are 3 people in this picture - PRICELESS

I just thought it would be cute.  And I think it would be really cool since we knew we were pregnant on that day but no one else did.  But...I never got the picture taken so I'm on to coming up with other ideas.  DH doesn't think his mom would like something cutesy.  She is however really into decorating (her house is AMAZING).  She's been wanting to come over to see the new couch we bought awhile back.  So dh and I were thinking about having them over for dinner and saying something like..."We were hoping you would help us pick out a paint color for the extra room." and then handing her some pink and blue paint chips and then saying "We're going to need help picking out a crib too."  What do you think?  Then for my family I was just going to get some baby picture frames and put something in it that says "Insert Picture of Baby M in March 2011."  I don't know...I'm just not all that creative.

I just hope Dr. G calls me soon.  Patience is something I don't have much of.  I've got to work on that. :)

You Ladies Are Amazing!

My heart is so filled with love, joy and gratitude today.  Thank you all for the amazing spiritual bouquet and the subscription.  I cannot express how honored I am that you all thought of me in this way.  I have prayed so long for true friends, friends with the same beliefs and values.  Friends I could be honest with and bare my soul to.  God has given me that in all of you.  I never thought that I would find these friends through blogs.  To be honest, I used to think blogs were silly and I would never have one.  God really does work in mysterious ways.  :)  The friendships I have found in all of you gives me another reason to be thankful for IF.  And although I would never wish the pain of IF on anyone, I am so happy that we all have used our common cross of infertility to join together in love and support.

JBTC:  The St. Imelda card is perfect!  I am honored that you thought of me to pass it on to.  It means more than I can express to you.

Thank you all again.  You all will always be in my heart and prayers.  I pray that God bestows many blessing upon each of you.

Some details...

Thank you all for all of your love.  I have enjoyed reading all of your comments on my last post.  I am still in utter shock and disbelief.  I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around everything.  It was such an awesome and wonderful weekend!  The fact that I am now finally officially Catholic and have a little life inside my womb is just absolutely mind boggling.

I actually found out about our little poppy seed on Saturday.  I just had a feeling.  AF was definitely late and I was just feeling off.  I mentioned it to dh and he thought I was joking.  I didn't actually have any tests at home so I picked some up that afternoon after Confession while we were at Target.  I was going to wait until Sunday morning to actually test (I figured I wasn't pregnant enough for it to show up unless I took it in the morning).  When I got home I just couldn't wait.  I then planned on leaving the test in the bathroom and walking away for the standard 3 minutes.  I didn't want to watch the control come up and not the positive line.  However,  I didn't even have time to do that.  The second I looked at the test to put the cap back on it had already shown up.  Not a little faint, line a really dark line...darker than the control.  I dropped it I was in so much shock.  I ran into the kitchen where dh was doing dishes and just sort of shoved the thing in front of his face.  He stared at it and then at me.  He asked what it meant.  I pointed to the really dark line and said "See that line?  That means I'm pregnant!"  He just stared at me for awhile longer.  Then he picked me up in the biggest hug ever.  There were no words...just grins from ear to ear and tears. We must have stayed in a hug for what seemed like forever.  We were however a little nervous to get too excited.  I do take hcg injections so I was hoping that it wasn't a false positive.  The box of tests I bought had 3 in it so we decided that I would take another on Sunday morning.  So I did...and it too was positive and came up super fast like the first one.  Then last night before bed I took the 3rd one just for fun and still the same thing.  I've always heard of faint lines and having to wait the 3 minutes to see any results, so I never imagined that a positive would show up that dark, that fast.  It just blows my mind.  Again, we were still trying to be cautiously optimistic.

So this morning I called Dr. G.  She said it sounds like the real thing.  She said she couldn't imagine that I still had hcg from the injections still in my system.  Especially seeing as how I have never made it past P+13 and some of the symptoms I am already having (I didn't think you could have symptoms this soon).  She sent me for blood work.  Because Dr. G is only a medical consultant for PPVI (she is a doctor that is now a sahm), I had to go to the Catholic hospital down town for my labs and they are going to send it off to PPVI.  This means I won't have my results back until tomorrow evening or possibly Wednesday.  Bummer!  I ordered my POI since I was out and will start injections as soon as it gets here.

We are still trying to be cautiously optimistic.  The key word is trying.  I know this is real.  I can feel it down to my core.  I am in just such shock that at the same time I cannot believe this is real.  I thought this would never happen.  NEVER!  God is so amazing!  I cannot believe the blessings he has bestowed upon me.

We plan on breaking the news this weekend after I get my lab results back.  I know that a lot of people say you should wait but I don't want to.  Like I believe Kaitlin said when she found out she was pregnant, this baby is a life and we are going to celebrate every second of it.  I will admit that I am nervous.  Dr. G reminded me that with the severe LP Defect and low hormones that I had prior to POI and HCG I am at a high risk of miscarriage and pre-term labor.  I can't help but be a bit nervous and fearful.  However, the Lord has entrusted me with this life, and no matter if I am given this little life for a few days or if it goes to term it is still a life and I am so unbelievably thankful for that.

I have a lot more to say about Confession and Communion as well.  However, one thing at a time.  My brain is quit foggy and I am extremely exhausted.  If I could just sleep all day I think I would be a very happy lady. :)  As soon as I can wrap my brain around the rest of the events of the weekend I will post on that too.

Thank you again for all of your prayers!  I can feel them so much.  And prayer buddy...you are awesome!

The Best Weekend!

Hello All...I was going to wait until tomorrow to post but I just can't!  I just got home from dinner out to celebrate and I'm beaming with excitement.  So here we go...

So first was Confession.  It was amazing!  I was so nervous waiting in line, so I made dh go before me.  The priest who was doing it that day was new and I had never met him.  When dh walked out he gave me a thumbs up.  I almost started laughing.  The minute I walked in his voice was so calming.  I knelt and before he even began I started to cry.  He had to ask me 3 times what my sins were because I couldn't speak.  He then said a prayer for me that my mind would be calm, my heart open, and that I would be at peace.  It helped a little.  It took me quit awhile to get everything out and I know I left so much out.  It wasn't purposeful...I was just so overwhelmed.  I kept trying to look down at the little paper I had but I seemed to have forgotten how to read.  After saying a few things my mind went completely blank.  I told him that was all I could remember.  I think it took me about 10 minutes to make it through the Act of Contrition.  I was crying so much I could hardly speak.  But, the second I walked out all my tears dried up and I felt about 20lbs lighter.  It was amazing.

Then came Communion.  DH's entire family was there tonight.  I'm talking about 30 people.  I could not believe it.  We got there early and Fr. R came up and asked how my classes were going.  I was a little confused.  I said they were great but we were done.  DH asked him if he knew that I was coming into the church tonight.  He looked like a dear in headlights.  Apparently the wires got crossed between Deacon A and him.  He said not to worry and he would take care of it.  He came back a few minutes later and said that if I wanted we could do Confirmation while we were at it.  Yippee!  The way the whole thing played out was beautiful.  After the Homily Fr. R called Kevin and I up and I made my Profession of Faith.  He then confirmed me.  He then said that he would call us back up for communion before everyone else.  He told us that back in biblical times they didn't really have ceremonies for weddings the way we do now.  So apparently what coupled did was come up for communion together.  That would symbolize their unity in Christ.  So he said to thing about that when I came up with my husband.  He said this would be us uniting in Christ.  I thought that was just beautiful.  When he did call us up the tears began to flow.  It was such a beautiful thing that I can't even begin to describe it.  I'm having trouble attaching any words to it.  I'm hoping that in the next couple of days I will really begin to be able to describe it.  I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed right now. :)

And then there was one more thing.  There was this...

Like I said...best weekend ever!!!

I'm going for bloodwork tomorrow.  I am absolutely beside myself.  Thank you all so much for your prayers...especially this past week.  I really felt them.  I felt like I was walking around in this constant embrace.  It was amazing.  I will post more about this after I get my blood results.  I just need to wrap my mind around it all.  Our God works in mysterious ways!

**To any of my family or IRL friends who have stumbled across my blog and I was unaware.  I'm sorry you are finding out this way.  Don't worry we are going to spill the beans this week.  :)  So please don't say anything.

5 Quick Takes...because that's all I've got...

Let's get the not so fun stuff out of the way so we can move on to the good!  :)

1.  I think AF is on her way.  Oh yippee!  She should be here sometime today.  It's P+14...I always start on P+14 (sometimes 13 but never past 14).  I'm not happy about it.  I was really hoping.  I was actually even beginning to think that this may be the month.  Nope...I can feel the cramps beginning.  They aren't constant yet...but they are there.  AF...if you can here me...go away!  You are not welcome here!

2.  The job drama isn't any better.  I could really use some prayers.  I have no clue what to do and it is stressing me out beyond belief.  It is not a good situation and unfortunately it seems to be consuming me right now.  There have been many tears shed this week over this crap.  It's keeping me from focusing on what's important...like the excitement of this weekend.  I think MMH is right.  The Devil is trying to cause me trouble.  He doesn't like what will be taking place on Sunday so he is trying to get the best of me.  I have a message for you too Devil...Get out!  You are not welcome here either!

Ok...now for the good stuff.

3.  I'm going to my first confession tomorrow.  I am no longer nervous!  Woohoo!  I'm so glad that feeling is gone.  I'm not going to say that feeling won't come back tomorrow when I'm about to walk in but for now I am ok.  I am actually so excited about it!  I can't wait to get all of this stuff off of my chest.  I'm having trouble remembering the things from when I was younger.  To be honest, I was a really good teenager.  I never got in trouble.  I'm not saying that I did not sin but there were none of the typical teenage crazy things going on so nothing is standing out in my mind.  I'm just going to do the best I can.  I checked into it and found out which priest will be doing confessions.  The one I really wanted to go to is out of town. :(  Fr. R won't be doing it because he is doing the evening Mass.  This means I'm going to the new guy.  We have a new priest.  He's very young...31 I believe.  I have seen him but never spoken to him and never been to one of his Mass'.  He's only been with us for 2 weeks I believe.  I talked to Deacon A about him.  He says he is an amazing and very spiritual man.  Deacon A said I will be very pleased and it should be a great confession.  I'm excited.

4.  COMMUNION ON SUNDAY!  There are no words to describe my feelings.  In fact...I'm just going to leave it at that.

5.  Thank you all so much for your prayers this week.  I can really feel them.  Kaitlin and JBTC, thank you for the adoration prayers this week.  I can not tell you how much this means.  I have no IRL Catholic friends...and DH's Catholic friends are fallen away.  I have been praying for good Catholic friends for awhile.  Long before I made the decision to become Catholic.  I just wanted friends who had similar beliefs and values. Who knew God would answer my prayers through blogs?  I feel that I have found friends in all of you and for that I am so greatful.

Ok...that's it.  I will try to post tomorrow night to let you know how confession went.  Pray that I have calm nerves.  :)

My Email Got Hacked!

Grrrr!  I think my gmail account may have been hacked.  I've changed my password so hopefully it won't happen again.  If you get an email from me that has "No Subject" in the subject line just delete it.  If you open it I think it has something to do with Canadian Health Care or something.  I have no clue how this happened!  My passwords are always pretty strange.  Unfortunately, I think Kaitlin and JBTC may be part of this.  I'm really really sorry ladies! I'm pretty irritated!

On another note.  The job craziness isn't getting any better.  I think it may all hit the fan tomorrow.  If anyone could spare a prayer for clarity and that this all works out I would greatly appreciate it.

And It's Only Tuesday

It's only Tuesday and it's already been one heck of a week!  I'm exhausted!

We had an engagement party for my best friend on Saturday night.  I'm so happy for her!  She and her fiance have been together for the past 4 years.  It's funny because when she told everyone about their engagement we all had the same reaction, "It's about time!"

Yesterday I had my last meeting with Deacon Augie.  It was basically just for some last minute info.  I've got to try to get proof of my baptism from the church I was baptized at.  I had to do this for our wedding so I'm kinda hoping that the church we got married at still has records of it.  I don't see why they wouldn't.  If not I'll have to go back to my old church.  I'm trying to avoid that.  When I went there to get a copy for our wedding the pastor wasn't exactly nice to me.  He was not the same pastor that was there when I left but for some reason he knew of me.  He had more than one snide comment regarding me marrying in the Catholic Church and becoming Catholic (even though at that time that was nowhere on my radar).  I can only imagine the things he will have to say now.  I feel like I shouldn't care, and I don't really, I just don't want to deal with it.  I don't like rude people.

I'm trying to spend a lot of time this week in prayer.  I want to prepare myself for Saturday and Sunday.  I'm so excited and anxious.  I'm starting to have trouble controlling my emotions.  I was driving the other day and just thinking about everything.  Then I started sobbing.  Not sad tears of course...happy ones. :)

On a completely different subject, I really need your prayers.  Prayer Buddy, if you are out there, I could really use you.  I can't get into too many specifics right now but I need prayers regarding my job.  I need prayers for clarity.  I'm in a really tough position and don't know what to do.  I feel very torn.  The decision I am leaning towards makes me nervous.  I wonder if it really is the right decision and if it is best for dh and I.  As soon as I figure out what I need to do I will let you know what it is that is going on.  But any prayers you can spare would be greatly appreciated.

7 Quick Takes

1.  I have an appointment with Dr. G (my Napro Consultant) on Wednesday, July 28th!  Woohoo!  I haven't actually seen her since last October.  All of our "appointments" have been over the phone.  I am making a list of the things I want to discuss with her

• We need to get dh an SA.  I'm not sure why we haven't already done this.  I'm actually very nervous about this.  DH took Acu.tane when he was a teenager and I've heard that it can lower sperm counts.
• The 4mg of Nal.trexone I'm taking (up from 2mg) every night isn't doing squat!  I'm still exhausted and I still have some major anxiety.  I'm beginning to think that my anxiety is a bigger problem than I've let on and I may need something stronger.  I have had this problem forever.  It's time to take care of it.  It's not a happy way to live.
• I was receiving B-12 shots from my primary (my B-12 is super super low!).  Well, I am not seeing my primary anymore (long story).  So I'm really hoping that Dr. G can give me a script for some B-12 shots.  Does anyone know if Napro will give you this.  I would love to be able to order the shots from Ku.bats and just have dh give them to me.  They really make a huge difference in the way I feel.
• Surgery!  We need to discuss surgery.  I know I need it.  It's time to stop playing around.
• Anything else?

2.  I need some book suggestions.  I'm done with the two I told you about (Signs of Life and Surprised By Truth).  DH has just about every Scott Hahn book ever written so I have plenty to choose from.  I just can't decide.  I'd also like to read some books about some saints.  I'm really interested in the lives of saints.  Any suggestions?  JBTC, I know saints are your expertise.  What do you think? :)

3.My rosaries are coming along great!  I have a few made and several that are mostly finished.  I'm just waiting on a shipment to come in to finish them.  I'll post some pictures when I get them completely done.  I have about 8 orders from family members.  This is so crazy!  I'm also working on one for the deacon who I've been meeting with weekly.  Our last meeting is on Monday.  I'm really hoping my order is in before then!  DH had this idea that I would buy a spot in our church bulletin and advertise that I make custom rosaries.  I'm not sure, I'll think about it.  I really do enjoy doing it though.  And coincidentally, the name of our parish is Our Lady of the Rosary.  :)  (JBTC, to answer your question, I make the beaded Rosaries.  What is a knotted twine rosary?  That sounds so cool!)

4.  We had a tragedy in our city 2 weeks ago.  Two police officers were shot at close range and killed after pulling a man over.  The man then took off (of course) and it took the city a few days to find him.  He actually turned himself in the night of both officers viewing.  Both officers were family men.  One was a father of 4 little boys all under the age of 9.  The other was awaiting the birth of his first child who was do last week (one week after the shooting).  It has been such a sad sad story.  A good friend of mine's husband works for the same department and was one of the first officers on the scene.  He is having a really hard time, as are all of the officers.  I can't imagine how they all must feel.  If any of you could spare a few prayers for the families of these two officers as well as the police department itself I know they would all appreciate it.

5.  I am fearing that my migraines are coming back.  I have always had migraines, for as long as I can remember.  I will have good years and bad years.  Some years they are so bad and so frequent that I have come close to losing jobs and have had doctors want me to go on disability.  Then I will have years where I get only about 3 migraines a month so it is manageable.  Well, things aren't going so well.  I've been getting migraines about every other day for the last 2 months. Not good!  I'm scared.  I don't know what to do.  I've tried so many different medications in the past and none of them work.  I'm also allergic to triptan drugs which means I can't take Imetre.x or the like.  Those are the most common for stopping a migraine in it's tracks.  I have also tried several preventative but they aren't healthy and have numerous unsafe side effects.  If I remember correctly, they aren't safe to take while ttc so they are definitely out of the question.  I'm at a loss.

6.  One more week until the big weekend.  I'm am getting so excited.  I can't even begin to accurately describe my emotions.  I was driving yesterday and just started thinking about it and trying to imagine it and I started crying these amazing tears of joy.  I have never in my life felt like this.  DH and I were talking the other day.  I was telling him about the feelings I get when I walk into church.  I was talking about how when I was Presbyterian I never got that same feeling walking into church.  Every Sunday I feel like I am home.  I feel at peace, I actually feel something.  It's not just a building.  So amazing!  Too much for words.

7.  I don't really have a #7...so...Have a great weekend!

A little of This...A little of That

Seeing the family on the 4th after the big announcement went great!  They were so happy that it eased my nerves quickly.  There was one family member who confused me a bit with her reaction but I wasn't surprised.  It was exactly what I expected from said family member.  You can't win them all.

We are down to about a week and a half until my first confession. While still a bit nervous I am really beginning to look forward to it.  All throughout the day I think of things from my past that I just can't wait to get off my chest.  I'm looking at it as a free psychologist appointment.  I know that when I walk out of that confessional I am going to feel so much lighter.  I feel like it will be the beginning.  I can let all my mistakes and sins of the past go and just start over.  LOVELY!

I'm still reading Scott Hahn's book Signs of Life but I'm also reading another book at the same time (I'm a bit crazy like that).  DH's aunt game me Surprised by Truth by Patrick Madrid and forwarded by Scott Hahn.  I LOVE it!  Seriously!  It's a book that has the conversion stories of eleven converts.  The stories are so unbelievably amazing!  I seriously cannot put the book down!  I started reading it yesterday morning while dh and I were sitting at Panera having breakfast and am almost done with the book.  I see so much of myself in so many of these people.  It's truly amazing.

Today is P+4.  My brain is already starting to play tricks on me.  If you guys could get into my head during the 2ww you would run screaming.  It's a very scary place to be.  Sometimes I wish I could take a vacation from it.  :)  Thanks to dh we "used" all of our good days.  I'm telling you though, if dh didn't help me with my charting I might have blew right over them out of fear.  He's a good man I tell ya.  So, if all does not go well I will be starting next Wed or Thurs, the 14th or 15th.  Let's pray that doesn't happen. :)  Prayer buddy, you've got some work to do.  Haha.  Is that allowed?  DH pointed out that if all does go well I would be able to find out on the 18th (do to the hcg injections I'm supposed to wait until P+17 to test).  This is the day after my first Holy Communion.  However, I pointed out to him that if I make it past next Thursday I'm going to seriously start getting my hopes up.  I won't be able to help it.  I have never ever ever made it past a 13 day lp.  Not even once.

I've really been noticing lately how much dh wants a baby.  It's funny because over the last few years he has really done such a great job supporting me (and still does) that he hasn't let me see how much it means to him.  Lately I've noticed the look in his eyes when he sees a new baby or how happy he was playing with his cousins girls on Sunday.  He told me that someone at work made a pretty rude comment to him at work the other day that left him feeling a little teary.  It made me feel horrible.  I want nothing more in this world than to make him a daddy.  I'm just so glad that I have him to go through this with.  I couldn't imagine a more supportive man to have by my side.  I really do believe that God planned us for each other.  It's funny because while at the in-laws house this weekend 3 of his aunts pointed out this very thing.  I really am so blessed.

Nervous!!!

Holy Moly I'm stinkin' nervous!  We are going to dh's parents house today for the 4th and it will be the first time we will be seeing everyone since they found out about my conversion. (DH and I are really lucky that both of our families live in the same area)  I can't figure out why I am so nervous...I got such wonderful responses to the email dh sent.  There is no reason why they wouldn't be happy for me.  I guess I'm just afraid of all the attention.  DH's family can be really "in-your-face."  So can my family but it is different when it is others (you would think I would be used to this seeing as dh and I have been together for 9 years).  To be honest, I really hate attention.  I like to just blend into the background.  I know dh's family and I know this is going to be a BIG DEAL!  It is a big deal, don't get me wrong, but I could do without the attention that goes with it.  I was hoping that I was worrying for nothing but after talking to dh this morning he sort of confirmed my feelings.  Oh boy...this is going to be fun. :)

To make things even more fun, dh invited everyone who wanted to join us to the Mass that I will be receiving my first Holy Communion.  I thought "there is no way they will all want to come!"  Although we all live relatively in the same area we are a bit north of the rest of the family and no one goes the parish we go to.  I will also be receiving at the 6pm Mass on Sunday so I figured no way.  Wrong again!  In every single one of the responses his family said they would be there.  Did I mention dh's family is huge?  In addition to his parents and brother his mom has 4 sisters and 1 brother.  All of his aunts and uncles have children and some of those children have children or at least spouses.  We are talking close to 30 people here.  Our church is relatively small in terms of space.  Although our parish has several thousand members it is a temporary building that was built until they build a more permanent building (you would never know that though unless they told you...it's very pretty).  Fortunately it's summer and so many are on vacation so attendance has been a bit lighter.  I was nervous enough when Deacon A said that before communion Father R would call me up first to receive first in front of everyone.  That alone had me shaky...but now there are going to be people I know there.  Makes my stomach flip-flop thinking about it.

Between the nervousness and the absolute excitement I think I may explode!  This has to be one of the most exciting times in my life.  Like I said in a previous post.  I feel the same way I felt leading up to my wedding day.  Such excitement and anticipation.  I love it!

Prayer Buddies!

Can I just say how excited I am to be a part of the Summer Prayer Buddies?  I am practically giggling with excitement.  I know a lot of people don't read my blog but I read a lot of others.  I pray for everyone everyday.  Sometimes I pray by name (or blog name), sometimes I just pray in general.  To be honest, praying for you blogger ladies has actually helped to strengthen my prayer life.  I've always struggled to set time aside to just sit and talk with God.  Having you ladies to pray for sort of reminds me to do that.  I feel so blessed to have found such an amazing group of faithful women who are sharing the same cross that I have.  Although I would not wish this struggle on anyone, it is nice to have people who get it.  People who know the ups and downs that happen from day to day...sometimes hour to hour.  Finding these blogs had truly been such a blessing in my life.  It is something I try to remember to thank God for every day.

Can't Sleep

So it's like 12:45 am...way, way past my bedtime.  I tried to go to sleep, really I did, but I just can't.  I just can't seem to shut my crazy little brain off.  There is so much swimming around up there it's enough to drive a person to the crazy house.

The big thing swimming in my brain is my "coming home."  It's on my mind constantly.  I'm so happy, excited, amazed, joyful, nervous, anxious, etc. etc.  I honestly have no idea how to put my feelings into any words that make even the slightest bit of sense.  I was telling dh today that the feelings are so similar to the feelings I had leading up to our wedding day.  I have a feelings that my emotions on that day will be very similar too.  I'm sure tears will be shed.  DH sent out an email to his family tonight letting them know.  We've already received a few responses and I was so happy to read the kind words that some of his aunts had to say.  I got a little teary reading them.  Honestly, I feel like I need to soak up every feeling and every thought in these upcoming weeks.  I want to forever ingrain all of this in my mind.  I don't want to forget what brought me to this point in my life.  I want to remember everything so that I can always grow and always have this foundation to fall back on.

Infertility of course is always on my mind as well.  I have such mixed emotions.  Like I mentioned in my post earlier today I feel like I am subconsciously trying to sabotage our trying.  It's fear I know.  Fear of another failed cycle.  Fear of another CD1 heartbreak.  Like I said before, thankfully dh is here to keep me in check.  I'm so glad he is, I know that if we didn't use a "good" day I would always wonder if that was the day we needed to finally conceive.  Make sense?

My job has also been a huge source of stress lately.  I'm just not happy with it.  I know this is terrible to say, but I feel like I am just buying time until we do have children and I can stay home with them.  The tears have been a flowin' lately and dh can't stand to see me so upset.  He on numerous occasions has told me to just quit.  But I can't seem to bring myself to do it.  We could make it with only his income, but there would be absolutely no extras.  No cable, no gym memberships, no putting money into savings.  I don't know that I want to live like that right now.  DH is due for a raise, which would make a huge difference.  I've been praying about it, trying to figure out what I should do but I can't come up with a decision.  I don't want to make a decision based on emotions.  There has been so much drama revolving around my job lately that I don't want that to be what sways me in a particular direction...although, according to dh, all the drama is exactly what should sway me in a particular direction.

On a much happier note (I really hate how my posts seem to be so negative lately), I am going to pick out paint colors tomorrow.  Our living room/kitchen/dining room is getting a makeover!  I'm so stinkin' excited!  Maybe I'll post before and after pictures.

Oh, and apparently dh told his family (in the email about my joining the Church) that I have been making rosaries...well two of his aunts want to buy several from me.  Woohoo!  I just started making them for fun, because I wanted to do something crafty, because I needed to do something with my hands.  I figured I would give them as gifts (dh had other plans though).  This is pretty cool too thought.  I'm thinking about getting into making some jewelry too.  Now that would be cool to sell!

I guess I should apologize for any run-ons and misspelled words.  I'm too tired to proof read.  Not that that helps much seeing as my dyslexia makes that difficult.  Did I ever mention that I am dyslexic?  Well I am.  It mainly affects my spelling and sometimes I switch numbers around.  Fortunately my reading isn't affected...that I am good at.

Quick Takes on Thursday

I'm doing my Quick Takes today because DH will be getting off from work early tomorrow and we are having a BBQ with the neighbors.  Yippee!  I love BBQs!

1.  DH brought to my attention that I made a mistake.  I will not be receiving my first communion on the 25th.  Nope, nope nope!  I will be receiving it on the 18th.  Woohoo!  I am doing my first confession on the 17th and Deacon A said I would receive the following Sunday.  I took that as the next week when in fact the following Sunday is the next day.  I had dh email Deacon A and turns out he's right.  Not too often that you'll catch me admitting to that.  :)

2.  I think IF is making my brain think some wonky things.  I think subconsciously I may be trying to sabotage our ttc-ing.  I have had excellent cm the past 2 days (10KL AD) and my mind has been telling me not to try.  I don't get it at all.  Fortunately dh hasn't been having these same thoughts so when he asks what to write on my chart he knows it's a baby day.  I'm telling you, if the charting was totally up to me I think I would be tempted to not use the good days.  I can't figure out what the heck is wrong with me.  I think maybe it's fear or something.

3.  DH is sending out an email to his family tonight telling them of the news about me coming into the Church.  I don't know exactly why but I am so flippin' nervous.  I'm thinking for the most part everyone is going to be really happy.  However, there are a few that I worry about.  I'm afraid they will question my intentions.  Not that they have any reason to, but because that's just how they are.  One day I'll have to write a whole post about this craziness.  I'm thinking it may take up a few posts.

4. I've been off work for a few weeks now and I am loving it!  Oh how I wish I could be a stay at home wife.  This is totally amazing!  The house has never been this clean.  I'm working on re-organizing the whole house and every closet one room at a time.  I'm also looking into to doing some repainting on the inside.  DH thinks this is silly seeing as the house is only 4 years old but I don't care.  I need a change.  I've been trying out tons of new recipes and working on all kinds of crafts.  I've made several rosaries.  I love them all but have no clue what to do with all of them.  I'm just hanging onto them for now.  They may become gifts.  I'm also thinking about busting out the sewing machine that I just had to have right after dh and I got married that I never learned to use.  Maybe I'll figure the darn thing out.

5.  Speaking of being a SAHW.  If I hear one more women's lib hippie tell me that being a SAHW or SAHM is degrading to women my head may explode.  Whenever this comes up and I mention that that is what I want (dh wants it as well) I can feel the daggers shooting out of people's eyes.  I realize that staying at home isn't for everyone and it isn't possible for everyone.  However, I don't think that me wanting to stay home makes me any less intelligent or free.  I love the traditional family where dad works and mom stays home with the children.  The thought of ever putting my children in daycare makes me physically ill.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting women who do do this down, it's just now what I want.  It just urks me not no end.

6.  So I've been writing down some notes to take into confession with me.  Is that weird?  From what I understand I need to try to confess all of my sins from the time that I was baptized.  Right?  Well...that was nearly 15 years ago.  That's a lot of sins to be confessing.  Obviously I'm not going to remember everything but I sure want to try to remember everything I can.  I'm so nervous that I am afraid that when I get in there I will forget what my name is let alone any sins.  Am I totally crazy?

7.  DH and I were trying to come up with some witty responses to the "So when are you guys going to have a baby?" question.  I've really been at a loss for words on what to say and dh ever the comedian thought it would be fun to same something totally off the wall that would either make people laugh or leave them pondering.  In the end he was hoping that it would shut them up and not produce further questions.  So, a couple of weeks ago we were at a 30th birthday party for a dear friend.  I just knew the question would arise seeing as how the birthday boy has a 6 month old and they got married 2 years after us.  In fact in dh's circle of buddies who were all in our wedding (including said birthday boy) they all have children now.  Anyhow, not 20 minutes into the party the question came up.  DH's response..."Well, we haven't decided to consummate the marriage yet."  Um seriously dh?  I couldn't help it, I had to walk away because I just burst into laughter.  DH said the look on the guys face was priceless.  I'm not sure if it was an appropriate response, but it sure was funny!

I hope all of you ladies have a wonderful weekend!