Quick Takes

1.  I still don't believe I'm pregnant.  Well, I do believe it.  I did see the 3 tests that confirmed it.  But I can't "believe" it.  Three children!  Me...with 3 children.  That is just insane.

 

2.  I just realized that other than some crummy iphone pictures I haven't taken hardly any pictures of the girls lately.  That needs to change.  My goal for this next week is to bust out the camera.

 

3.  At a little more than 5 weeks my first wave of the pregnancy icky-ness hit me today.  Seriously?  At 5 weeks?  With the girls I made it to 8 and 9.  Must be a boy.

 

4.  K and I were supposed to go on a date Saturday afternoon but I totally forgot it's my niece's birthday party.  Yay for my adorable 2 year old niece.  Boo for date cancelations. We desperately need one.  Maybe we can get the inlaws to watch the girls Sunday afternoon.

 

5.  I am in a total dinner rut.  I feel like I keep cooking the same things over and over and over.  I used to love cooking but it's such a chore lately.  Any good, easy, quick, somewhat healthy recipes to share with me?

 

6.  My biggest disappointment with the birth of both girls is that I don't have any good pictures of labor and birth.  I think we've decided this time around to forgo the doula and put that money towards a birth photographer.  I've been looking a websites of photographers in our area...BEAUTIFUL!  I love birth!  LOVE IT!

 

7.  I have no desire to eat anything today other than oreos.  Fortunately there isn't any in the house.  Five weeks people!  What the heck?  Things happen fast the 3rd time around.  I'm thinking I'll be busting the maternity clothes out in a few weeks.  When I lay on my stomach I can already feel a hard lump.  Sheesh.  I'm going to be huge. :)

Value in Suffering

When I was on the road to becoming Catholic, one of the things I remember learning that really struck me, was that there is value in suffering.  Growing up with a really rough childhood, it was comforting to know that all of that suffering wasn't for nothing.  That the difficult times I was going through with infertility, wasn't for nothing.  As a protestant, I never learned that there was any value whatsoever in suffering.  In fact, I was taught that bad things that happened to us, trials we went through, suffering, was because were weren't right with God.  For the longest time I thought I was doing things very wrong.  I had to be since God was allowing me to suffer at the hands of my mentally ill mother and alcoholic father.

 

I've tried to change my perspective on suffering (it's not always something I'm doing wrong to "deserve it"), but old habits are hard to break.  It wasn't until Mary-Grace was born that I started to see that value.  Holding my sweet baby that we tried so long for, that we prayed so long for, I could see the worth.  It didn't take long for me to really understand why we had to suffer with infertility.  I know this isn't true for every infertile, but for me (and K too), I could see it so clearly.  We needed that time to realize the true value in life.  To truly see the gift in our children.  To see the beauty of being completely open to life.

This thyroid insanity has been a lot of suffering. Sometimes I suffer well.  Sometimes, not so well.  Sometimes I suck it up because I may feel awful, but I have a family to take care of.  Sometimes I don't do well and it's all I can do to hold it together throughout the day without snapping at my kids and my husband.

I keep thinking about this doctor in another state who has been highly recommended to me.  I'm fairly certain he could help me.  While my doctor was willing to give me one of the medications I need yesterday, he is not extremely knowledgeable on the subject, so I will be on my own a bit to do the tweaking.  And then there is the other medication I need.  I have yet to get that one from him.  The problem with this other doctor?  He is many, many states away.  Plane tickets aren't cheap.  I have two small children.  And I have a husband who doesn't get much vacation time at all. The logistics of making it work are hard.  Coming up with the money to go seems damn near impossible right now.

I've talked to K about it numerous times.  He, more than anyone, probably even more than me, wants me to feel better, to be healthy.  We have gone over ways to make it work.  But we always come up short.  Something always happens.  We still have medical bills from Mary-Grace's hospital stay that we need to pay.  With this new baby, we are now going to have to pay our $6000 deductible to our midwife for his/her birth next year.  We get to make payments on this, but they are several hundred dollars a month.  And now we have no choice but to get me a new (to me) car.  Well, minivan.  There is absolutely no way to put 3 carseats in the back of my car.  Then there's the little things, I got into an accident a month ago, $500 deductible.  Our garage door broke the other day and I was trapped, couldn't even open the thing manually.  There goes another $250.  We are already very much month to month.  We're house poor.  We made a very bad decision and purchased our house right before the recession.  We were given a loan that we certainly couldn't afford and received some extremely bad advice.  But it is what it is.  We are thankful for a roof over our head.

For a long time I was complaining...a lot.  Then last night we discussed it again.  I could see the pain on my husbands face.  I could see that by constantly bringing it up, despite knowing our current financial situation, was hurting him.  He was feeling like a failure.  Like he couldn't provide enough for his family.  That hurt.  He works so incredibly hard.  He is gone for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week working to support his family.  He gets home every night just in time to have dinner with us and put the girls to bed. Then he helps me where I fall short during the day.  He sacrifices so that the girls and I have what we want and need.  But this one thing is just a bit out of his reach at this moment.

I realized that I need to learn to be happy where we're at.  I need to stop complaining about how much I hate our house.  About how badly I want to get wood floors because our carpet is disgusting.  About how the tile is cracked everywhere.  About how I need new clothes, etc. etc.  I know that we can't afford this other doctor at this moment.  So I need to stop bringing it up.  I need to research and learn as much as I can about my conditions and be my own best advocate.  My doctor even told me that patients can become experts on their own conditions and know far more than a doctor.  I need to get to that point.  I need to be confident in tweaking my meds and demanding what I need to help me.

I couldn't sleep last night.  I was up thinking about what to do.  I felt horrible for once again bringing something up that I knew the answer to and making my husband fell guilty.  I just laid there in bed, staring at the ceiling and I prayed.  I prayed a lot.  I kept hearing the words wait and trust.  My husband never worries.  He always trusts that God will provide.  The only time it gets to him is when I bring things up over and over.  So I'm done.  He knows what we need.  God knows what we need.  So I will wait and trust.  And while I'm waiting for it to all work out.  I need to remember there is value in suffering.  Even if I don't see it in this life, I pray I will see it in the next.

Update *Updated*

Thank you all for all of your prayers!  Sorry for the delay in the update, it's been a bit of a crazy weekend.  We have good news and not so good news.

 

The good news.  The biopsy came back benign with no signs of cancer.  Wahoo!

 

The not so good news (depending on how you look at it).  The biopsy did show that I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.  In a way, this isn't so good because, well, who wants an autoimmune disease that pretty much isn't curable?  But, (and I'm choosing to just be happy about this part for now) I FINALLY have a diagnosis!  FINALLY!!!!!  I can't even tell you how happy that makes me.  I've been dealing with this crap for years.  I'm over it!  I'm over feeling awful all the time.  To the general public (and most people other than my husband), I'm a fabulous faker.  Fabulous I tell you.  But I'm dying.  I have been for years.  At least the past 10, probably longer.  I have absolutely zero energy, total brain fog, a keep gaining weight despite exercise and pretty awesome diet, my hair is dry, my skin is itchy, I have debilitating anxiety, etc. etc.  Miserable.  This finally puts a name on it and helps me to realize that I'm not crazy.  Because let me tell you, I was beginning to wonder.

 

And while the endocrinologist that I have been seeing is very nice, I won't be continuing my care with her.  I guess this part is also part of the not so good news.  The problem is that she is only willing to treat me based on labs.  The issue with that is a few things...

1. I feel like crap ALL.THE.TIME.  Why should I have to continue to live like this if I don't have to just because my lab work looks pretty?
2. With Hashimoto's your thyroid levels can change from day to day.  So, just because they are pretty on the day that I have blood drawn, doesn't mean they will be pretty tomorrow.
3. She only treats with synthroid.  I've done my research, I'd prefer Armour. 
4. My body is destroying my thyroid.  Why not be proactive?  She is sort of a wait and see doctor and basically told me that my thyroid will eventually shut down (I don't doubt that) and there wasn't much we can do about it.  I do doubt that.  Again, I've researched, we can at least try to prolong it and make me feel better in the process.

So, I'm heading to my primary doctor in 2 hours.  He is a former OB who is now an Integrative Medicine doctor.  He's a little hippy dippy, but so far he has actually been listening to me.  The only reason he suggested the Endocrinologist in the first place is because my ultrasound indicated cancer.  As far as treating me for Hashimoto's, he can handle that.  At my last appointment, he told me he was open to trying Armour and that he was willing to treat based on symptoms.  I'm hoping he still feels that way today.  The thing that worries me slightly, is that I'm now pregnant.  Will he still be willing to treat?  I'm not sure.  I pray he will.  I looked up the safety of Armour in pregnancy, sounds pretty dang safe.  Rated class A.  I'm comfortable with that.

 

So, that's where we stand.  Seriously praying things go well today.  I've been asking St. Blaise all morning to help me out on this one.  I am so desperate to feel better.  I'm tired of being sick.  If any of you see this this morning and want to ask him with me, I would greatly appreciate it.  My appointment is at 11:30 eastern time.  I'll try to come back this evening and update.

 

Thanks again!


*UPDATE*

It took a little convincing but I got Armour.  Only one refill, but that's because he wants to make sure it's working well for me and to be sure I come back for follow up blood work etc.  I did not however get Cortef for my adrenals.  He wasn't totally comfortable with giving it to me pregnant since it's a steroid.  We are going to revisit the idea when I come back for my follow up in 8 weeks.  In the mean time a fellow blogger friend who may have called me the most difficult patient she's ever had as well as a pain in the a** told me about some over the counter adrenal support I'm going to try.

To say that I am happy is an understatement.  I may have cried.  I still don't have everything I need, but this is such a huge leap in the right direction.  I feel like 10+ years of feeling like absolute crap are finally coming to an end.  Well, maybe not an end, Hashimoto's isn't going to just magically go away, but at least I am finally getting treatment from a doctor who is at least open to me making suggestions.

And I'm also continuing on iron and vitamin d since my levels were abysmal at best.  Annnnnnd, I'm going gluten free...again.  For real this time.  Hashimoto's and Celiac's go hand in hand.  Time to stop fooling myself.

Thanks again for all of your prayers.  Hopefully this hormonal-hell freight train is coming to a stop.

Oh, and just because it's exciting to me.  I talked to my midwife today and have my first appointment set for July 10th.  Wahoo!!!  I'll be 8.5 weeks.  FUN!

Long time, no blog...

Have I really not posted in 3 months?  Sheesh!  It has been busy, busy, busy.  And I've actually been working on a new blog, but obviously it isn't up and running yet.  This place just doesn't feel like home to me anymore.  I've been wanting a change for awhile.  Who knew it would take so dang long?!?!  I'm guessing the one and two year old living in my house have something to do with that. :)

 

When I started this blog, it was a place to vent and find other women like me who were dealing with infertility/subfertility.  I was so happy to find this community of women who were using Napro.  No one I knew in real life knew what it was.  No one in real life knew we were struggling to have a baby.  Then finally, after several years, we welcomed our sweet Mary-Grace.  We were elated.  We knew she was a miracle, and wondered if she'd be our only.  We were ok with whatever God blessed us with, but hoped that my fertility was healed.

 

Then 4 short months later we got a major shock (probably even more shocking than finding out about Mary-Grace) when we found out that we were expecting baby #2.  How could this be?  We were shocked and amazed.  And although we were nervous at the thought of having 2 not even a year apart, we were excited.

 

Then after Hannah was born something very unexpected set in.  PPD.  Not fun.  Not fun at all!  Of course my cycles returned immediately.  They did after Mary-Grace as well, despite breastfeeding.  We decided, along with the advice of our Napro doc, to avoid for awhile.   I obviously needed to get my emotional wellbeing back in check.  My body needed a rest.  And I was on antidepressants.  Yes, they are the ones considered safe while pregnant when the benefit outweighs the risk, and I was on the minimum dose, but not taking meds while pregnant is always better than taking them if they can be avoided.

 

My hope was to wean off the meds right around Hannah's first birthday so we could begin trying again.  And I did try.  But it didn't go well at all.  It was horrible in fact.  So I decided to wait, and ttc would be put on hold.  Then after talking so some friends who have been there, I realized I came down too fast on my dose.  I decided to go much much slower.  Currently I am down to 1/4 of the dose I was taking before.  That's a very good thing!

 

We started talking about trying again soon.  A quarter is really not much at all.  But then another health concern popped up that changed things.  Well, not really popped up.  It has been hear for years, I just couldn't get a doctor to listen.  After a decent doc, lots of bloodwork, and a thyroid ultrasound, I went in last Friday for a thyroid biopsy.  Apparently, some of the nodules I've had for awhile have changed on there is calcification in one of them.  The procedure really wasn't that bad.  Weird, but not bad.  Tomorrow I find out the results.  I'm nervous.  But happy to finally, hopefully, get some answers.

 

Before the procedure the nurse offered me some Ativan.  She said it would help me relax.  Of course prior to this they made me take a pregnancy test.  K was sitting next to me and I saw the grin on his face.  He was really hoping it would come back positive.   We weren't "trying" but we didn't exactly avoid so well either.  The test came back negative (I knew no matter what it would because I knew I wasn't far enough post peak).  I saw the disappointment on his face.  He has wanted another baby for quite some time now.

 

Fast forward to this past Monday.  I was updating my chart since K had been slacking for several days.  I counted how many days post peak I was... 12.  That's strange, I never go past 11, and that's with progesterone.  I counted again. And again.  Then I counted the past several cycles.  Eleven, each and every time.  Weird.  So I texted a friend.  She pushed and pushed and pushed...so I bought a test.  Actually I bought 3.  I took the test, set it on the counter and anxiously watched.  There was no way I was pg.  I mean, we only didn't "avoid" once.  And I used to be infertile.  What are the odds?

 

Apparently pretty high because it came back POSITIVE!

 

To say I was shocked is an understatement.  Of course K was at work.  I didn't want to tell him over the phone so I put Hannah in one of Mary-Grace's "Big Sister" shirts and was going to wait to see how long it took him to notice.  But I'm impatient.  So not 5 minutes after he got home I couldn't stand that he didn't notice, so I just told him to read Hannah's shirt.  It took what felt like FOREVER for him to figure it out.  In fact, I think he's still processing.  Since he had been slacking on my chart he assumed since the pregnancy test 3 days prior came back negative it wasn't possible.

 

 

It's a cruddy iphone pic, but it's the only one I took.

 

 

We are beyond excited!  But can't help but be a little nervous too.  I still have to get my biopsy results tomorrow.  This obviously throws a little wrench in things.  My fear is that I have cancer.  And while thyroid cancer isn't typically life threatening, being pregnant certainly will make things a bit more interesting.  I'm not sure if they would want to do surgery anyway.  I'm not sure I'm willing to do that.  I just don't know.  I'm trying desperately not to worry.  To let go and let God.  But it's hard.  I'm a worrier.  I have an anxiety.  This is anxiety inducing.  So if you can, I'd LOVE some prayers regarding my appointment tomorrow morning. :)  And a HUGE thank you in advance.

 

 

And obviously, we haven't announced this to everyone yet...so please no Facebook mentions please. :)