And please excuse any wonkiness... I'm doing this from my phone and it tends to do weird things.
1. The progesterone didn't do a darn thing. Nothing...nada...I feel no different. Yippie. I'm not sure where to go from here. K thinks I need to talk to someone else, perhaps to get on a low dOse of an anti depressant. He's probably right, but I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to admit that it's at that point. I know that seems silly but like I think I mentioned in my last post, I come from a scary history of mental illness in my family. I've always feared this.
2. I've been trying to do some behavioral type things to see if that helps. I take everything minute by minute (at least I try to). I'm trying to communicate my feeling and frustrations with K more. And I'm TRYING (emphasis on trying) to ask K for help when I need it. He is an AMAZING husband and wants so badly for me to feel better.
3. I treated myself to a pedicure last Saturday...ALONE. It was the first time I had been alone in over 15 months (sinceary-Grace was born). I'm not kidding when I say I haven't been alone at all since then. No grocery store trip...rarely a trip to the bathroom. I felt so selfish but deep down I knew I really needed it. I fed Hannah right before I left and since the nail salon is less than 5 minutes away I was sure I could get there and back before she was hungry again. It as a fabulous hour. I fell asleep sitting in the massage chair while she rubbed my feet. I felt great but unfortunately it only helped the immediate. However, it was very worth it and I thi k I need to try to find room in our budget to do it monthly. It's only $15 if you pay cash...I'm sure I can cut $5 from three other pieces of our budget. I'm finally realizing that my sanity is a priority.
4. Hebrews mentioned in my last post about how this may have been harder for me to admit because of my history with IF. She was so right! So, so right. I feel so ungrateful all of the time. I struggled for this. This is my dream, and it's come true, yet I'm not happy. How can that be? It seriously makes me feel horrible. Just thinking about it makes me want to burst into tears. I often feel like I need to suck it up and get over it. There are so many women who would give their right arm to be in my shoes. But I can't just get over it. I've tried.
5. Another HUGE issue is my mother. I know I've mentioned her before. I have feared my entire life that I would be like her. I still fear it. Anytime I feel like I just need to get away for a minute I wonder if I'm going to be like her. Is that how it started? Did she first feel like she just needed a minute? Then that minute turned into a few days. Then those days turned into months...then years? Is that how she abandoned us? Although there is no part of me that has an desire to walk away from my babies, I still wonder if I'm going to be like her. It is a guilt I can't shake. It breaks me.
6. The above is what makes me want to fix this! I WILL NOT DO TO MY GIRLS WHAT MY MOTHER DID TO ME! I WILL NOT! My babies deserve a mother. Hell, I deserve a mother. I will beat this, I have to! I'm beginning to wonder if I need therapy or counseling. Maybe getting to the root of my issues will help.
7. I don't want to leave this totally depressing, so instead, I'll leave with a few pictures of my lovely girls. :)
She loves her little sister and asks me constantly to hold her. :)
She also like to share her water...with Hannah's nose. Hannah does not look amused.
Big girl won't let me feed her yogurt anymore.
This little one is so happy...except when she's not. :)
