Coming Clean

Last year not long after I became pregnant with Hannah I admitted to y'all that I was struggling with some PPD issues.  Looking back the issues begun shortly after Mary-Grace was born.  I ignored it as I tend to do with most things medical and hoped that it would just go away.  I'm a bit like my Nana was in that if I ignore something I convince myself that nothing is really wrong.  If I don't admit it, it isn't there.  It's a horrible coping mechanism that has done nothing but cause me problems.  You would think that after the countless issues that I have ignored that have only gotten worse, not better like my brain seems to tell me they will, I would learn to speak up when something isn't right.

Well I haven't...

After finally admitting last year that I was having issues I still chose not to treat them.  I was pregnant and didn't want to take any of the drugs that are considered "safe" while pregnant.  None of them were safe enough in my mind so, I decided to try to treat things with some behavior modifications and such.  It didn't work, but I convinced myself it did.

The other day I was supposed to have a follow up appointment with my Creighton Instructor.  I had an appointment at 6 weeks with her and began charting right away.  My cycles returned not long after that (or so I thought).  She wanted to meet with me again to make sure I remembered how to chart since I've been pregnant for the last 18 out of 24 months.  Anyway, I emailed her to reschedule my appointment.  I explained that I was still bleeding (the issues with my bleeding are a whole other post for another day...but I'm basically still bleeding...almost 12 weeks pp).  When she replied, she just happened to ask me how I was feeling.  I'm not sure what prompted this.  She actually very specifically asked me if I was anxious, sad, crying a lot, feeling despair, etc. etc.  I thought it was strange but replied to her that my anxiety is out of control and I'm feeling very overwhelmed but I have two very young babies so that should be expected right?  She responded and told me that she forwarded my email to my napro consultant, Dr. G.  She said she was worried about me and just wanted to make sure Dr. G was aware of what was going on.

To be honest, I thought she was just emailing her regarding the insane pp bleeding that no one can figure out (I've been checked, no retained placenta).  The next day I got a call from Dr. G.  Rather than focus on the bleeding she asked me a lot of questions regarding my emotional state.  I was very tempted to lie (I know that sounds horrible but it's the truth).  I am not good at admitting things that involve my mental state.  I know this is because I come from a very strong history of mental illness.  My whole life I have felt that if I admit that I'm not ok mentally people are going to think I'm crazy.  Then if people think I'm crazy I'm going to end up being just like my mom.  I know this is ridiculous, but I can't seem to shake it.  I even got up and went into my bedroom to talk to her so that K wouldn't here what I was telling her.

Once she was done with the questions she told me that it sounded like I am suffering from some pretty significant PPD.  She said thought that she did believe it is hormonal given my history  ( I believe it may also be thyroid and adrenal related but since I can't get a doctor to listen to me regarding that, I'll take what I can get).  She called in a prescription for progesterone hoping that we could treat it that way.  I cannot take PIO any longer due to an allergic reaction I had while pregnant with Mary-Grace so I will be taking 3 200mg pills everyday for 10 days.  She said within a day or two I should notice some improvement.  I'm on day 3 and nothing.  No difference what so ever.  My anxiety is out of control.

I've been trying to open up to K about this.  I have always been able to talk to him about anything.  For some reason though, I'm really struggling to talk to him about what's going on in my head.  What I'm trying to explain never seems to come out right.  Talking about it just tends to make me feel more crazy (I'm hoping writing about it helps).

This has been going on far too long! Well over a year is too long to suffer from PPD.  WAY TOO LONG!  I'm praying for some relief soon.  It makes me very sad to think back to Mary-Grace's first year and realize how much I missed because I wasn't ok.  It saddens me to think that the same thing is happening with Hannah's first year.  I need to be honest with myself and face this.  I have to make myself realize that it's ok if people think I'm crazy once they realize what is happening in my head.  It's ok, because I am not.  Obviously I'm having some serious difficulties that I need help with.  It has become very clear that I cannot do this on my own.  I have to get better for my babies.  I have realized with the help of K, that this isn't about me anymore.  I cannot be stubborn because my stubbornness will affect my babies.

I ask that you please pray for me.  I have a feeling there is a long road ahead of me.

I'm going to post next exactly how my mid has been working so y'all can understand what I mean...and to force myself to admit all of this.  I feel like admitting this is a step in the right direction.

Quick Takes

1.  I've been trying to get a post up about what really makes home births awesome...all the stuff that happens after baby is born...but haven't been able to finish it.  Partially because I'm crazy busy with a toddler (I can't believe she's a toddler) who has just started walking and currently teething 4 molars, and a newborn who doesn't sleep and doesn't nap, and partially because my brain is absolute mush.  Hannah is now 10 weeks old so I guess I need to get on that.

2.  I mentioned it above, but we have a walker!  Mary-Grace is a little over 14 months now.  Shes been cruising on furniture since about 10ish months.  At almost 13 months she started getting much braver.  At about 13.5 months she began taking steps, lots of them, but would alternate between that and crawling.  Then all of a sudden about 2 weeks ago she just took off.  She is walking all over my house.  It is so weird to be in my room and have her just come walking in.  The only downside, she no longer wants to be in her stroller or in a grocery cart.  Having Hannah means I can't always chase after her in public so strollers and carts are a must.  Grocery shopping has become very interesting lately.

3.  My cycles have already returned.  Seriously?  I breastfeed around the clock.  Same thing happened last time.  I was really hoping to get a break because they are still super screwy and super painful.  To make it even more fun I had pp bleeding until almost 9 weeks after Hannah was born.  I got a one day break and then CD1.  At least last time I got like 2 weeks.  I don't want to be one of those women who don't have cycles for over a year, but a few months would have been nice.

4.  I'm trying to think of activities for Mary-Grace to do while I'm busy feeding Hannah.  It seems that as soon as I sit down to feed her she is into something.  She usually heads to the pantry and yanks anything that is in her reach off the shelf.  Keeping the door closed all the time isn't an option because it gets super hot in there (the builders forgot the air vent) and I can't remove everything in her reach because we need the storage.  She also uses this opportunity to go running headfirst into walls, tables, etc.  I need some easy ideas to keep her entertained for 15-20 minutes.  Do you have any?

5.  I have decided that we are in desperate need of a vacation.  We took a long weekend to Disney last fall for our anniversary but I feel the need to get to the beach.  I am dying to spend a few days laying in the sand listening to the ocean.  Our favorite beach is only about 2 1/2 to 3 hours from here but it can be pricy to stay there (it's an island).  We have got to find a way to work in a vacation savings into our budget.  We haven't taken a real vacation in over 2 years.  I know that doesn't sound like long but we love to travel and I'm getting cabin fever really bad.  Besides, that vacation was to the mountains and I'm needing the beach.  It's been 4 years since we've done that.  I find that pathetic considering the state I live in.

6.  I know this may sound strange to most people, but at 14 months old we still haven't left Mary-Grace with anyone.  It started out because I was breastfeeding and despite my crazy oversupply of milk I don't respond well to a pump.  Sure I could pump enough for a few bottles but the time and effort just wasn't worth it to me.  Then I realized that I just had no desire to leave her anywhere and neither did K.  We have been together for 11 years now.  We have had 11 years of alone time and get alone time every night when she goes to bed.  We really enjoy just taking her with us wherever we go.  I'll be honest, some of it is due to my crazy anxiety as well.  It honestly gives me a panic feeling when I think about someone else watching her.  But really it doesn't matter what my reason is for not leaving her with others.  They are my reasons, and K's reasons and that's that.  I have left her with K, but only for an hour or at most two.  He's also taken her with him for an hour or two to go wherever, but that's it.  Anyway, the point is that last weekend I was chewed out and made to feel guilty because I told a family member she couldn't come pick Mary-Grace up for the day.  What frustrated me to start with is that she didn't ask me she just told me she was going to come buy one day during the week and take her for the day.  Then when I told her no, that she was welcome to come over and spend the day with us, but that I wasn't ready to let her go for the day, she started going on and on about how I need to get over it and that Mary-Grace is never going to know her.  She said that she used to take us places when we were kids and she never harmed us, yadda, yadda, yadda.  I apologized and explained that it was a lot in part to my anxiety.  She didn't care though and stormed off.  K and I talked about it later and he agreed with me that he didn't like the idea of this person (or anyone else really) taking her somewhere.  We agreed that we would be more comfortable with our children going somewhere with others when she can communicate better.  We also talked about how the first time we leave our children we would prefer that it be in our own home with someone here to watch her.  I know I'm a bit over protective, but as for right now this is working for us.  I haven't seen a movies since before I was pregnant with Mary-Grace, I'm ok with that.  I haven't had a pedicure or gone anywhere alone in 14 months, I'm ok with that.  My husband and I haven't been on a "date" alone in 14 months, we both really are ok with that.  Up until my little non-sleeper Hannah was born 2 months ago we had a date every evening after Mary-Grace went to bed.  Dates in our house are much nicer to the wallet anyway.  Our favorite bottle of wine isn't expensive at all. :)

7.  Speaking of oversupply (I mentioned it in the jumble above)...it SUCKS!  I mean seriously!  I remember before Mary-Grace was born worrying if I would have enough milk.  Forget having enough!  I have enough to feed a darn village!  I had the same problem with Mary-Grace but it seems to be 10X's worse this time.  I leak everywhere constantly.  I have to tuck a hand towel into the flap part of my nursing tanks when I feed Hannah because milk spills everywhere while she eats.  I also have to keep a separate towel or burp cloth in my hand so that when my milk lets down I can pull her off and catch it in the towel.  If I don't she chokes to the point where she can't breathe.  She is constantly stuffy and congested because of all the milk she sucks up and no amount of suctioning her nose helps.  I have started feeding her on the same side for at least 3 feedings before switching sides.  She wasn't getting nearly enough of the good, fatty, hindmilk before.  She's definitely getting that this way, I can tell when by the third feeding she finally gets that "milk drunk" look and falls asleep, but it isn't helping with the forcefulness of my let down.  It's not a huge deal at home, however it makes nursing in public really difficult.  It's very hard to be discreet when you have a baby flailing around and choking because your milk shoots out like a dang fire hose.  Hannah also can't comfort nurse because there is no such thing as nursing without much milk coming out when it involves me.  This happened with Mary-Grace too so I ended up giving her a paci.  Hannah however, wants nothing to do with a paci.  This makes for a very ticked off baby in the evenings when shes had enough to eat but just wants to nurse to sleep.  I've read that you can take very small amounts of Benedryl to decrease you supply slightly but I'm scared to do that.  I really wish Mary-Grace would have taken up nursing again after Hannah was born.  I could have used her to nurse right before feeding Hannah to help with the let down.  Does that sound horrible?  Like I'm using my first baby?