Two Years

Two years ago today I entered the church.  You can read about my conversion here.

That same weekend we found out about our sweet Peanut.

You can read about the actual weekend here and here.

Then a little less than one year later it happened again!

And no, I'm not coming here to announce a number 3.  We have to get my head right first.

The past two years have been a wild ride!  It's overwhelming to think of all of the blessings K and I have received.  And while things aren't so great as far as my mental state at the moment, I will always, always be so thankful for my two beautiful babies, and the Catholic Church.

This really is my dream come true.

Please ignore the robe and pj pants. :) This was taken 2 days after Hannah's birth.

My Plan

I had a horrible weekend (and Monday).  HORRIBLE!  My anxiety was at an all time high and I had a panic attack that I thought for sure was going to land me in a psychiatric ward.  It was bad, really, really, bad.  I wrote about it but for the time being have decided not to post it.  I feel like for right now I need to try to move forward and think about what I need to do to fix this.  I do not want to live like this.  I cannot continue to live like this.  It's not an option.

First of all K and I are desperately searching for a therapist.  I found a website that helps you to find Catholic ones, however there were only 2 listed for the state of Florida.  One was about 6 hours North of me, the other 6 hours South.  That certainly won't work.  So how the heck to I pick a person to bare the depths of my soul to?  I can pull our insurance provider list up.  But how does that help me pick someone I'm compatible with?  Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.  I do believe that this PPD is hormonal in nature, but I also believe that some of it is some deep routed issues from my past (specifically involving my mother).  I need to talk this out with a professional.

Next, exercise.  I used to be an athlete.  I played softball from the time I was 6 until 18.  I played competitively on a travel team as well as a regular league.  I also ran track in high school.  I loved it and remember it being a great way to blow off steam.  An injury sidelined me and I just never got back into any of it once I recovered.  I've gotten terribly out of shape since and it's caused my self-esteem to tank.  K is a runner so I decided what the heck, why don't I get back into running.  Last week I started C25K and we have a love/hate relationship.  I like that it's getting my heart pumping but I really despise running.  I loath it.  But I'm determined to stick with it.

I was at a baby shower about 2 weeks ago and this woman started telling me about this thing called Stro.ller Sr.rides.  It's a way of exercising with your babies in a stroller.  It sounded interesting but when I looked it up it was a bit expensive, especially if I paid for it and didn't like it.  Well I just saw it as a Livi.ngSoc.ial deal at over 50% off.  I decided it was a sign and bought it.  I'll be starting that next week.

So the plan?
Monday, Wednesday, Friday - Sro.ller St.rides
Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday - C25K
Sunday - Rest

I'm hoping the exercise helps burn off some steam and lessens my anxiety.  If anything, it should at least help me to get into shape and boost my self-esteem.

I'm also working on cleaning and organizing my house.  I've never been a super neat person and I am bad about clutter.  It never used to bother me but it definitely does now.  In fact, clutter and mess is what caused one of my anxiety attacks this past weekend.  So, I'm working on a list of every area of the house that needs to be decluttered and deep cleaned.  I plan to make them small areas that will take me no more than 30 minutes to clean.  I want to work on one area each night after Mary-Grace goes to bed.

I think meal planning is a huge piece of organization.  I've been doing it weekly but I think I'm going to switch to monthly.  I also want to include int his menu snacks, breakfast (mostly for MG) and lunch (again, mostly for MG).  I also want to work in one day a month where I make a few freezer meals for those days when nothing seems to be going right and we need something easy.

I'm also working on a housekeeping schedule.  Of course certain things have to be done daily (dishes, counters, etc).  But I want a weekly schedule for things like vacuuming, mopping, laundry (the girls, mine and K's, sheets/towels, and diapers), bathrooms, dusting, grocery shopping, etc.  I'm hoping that some sort of schedule will help things not get away from me so I won't get so overwhelmed.

Not to mention prayer.  My prayer life has slipped terribly since Hannah's birth.  I just don't find the time and I need to.  I've decided to buy a prayer journal.  I do better when I write so why not write my prayers?  I learned about prayer journals when I took a prayer seminar thing while I was pregnant with Mary-Grace.  It was amazing and I need to get back to the things I learned.  I'm going to go buy myself a nice, pretty journal that I love and a nice pen so it will encourage me to use it.  I know that may sound silly, but I've always had a thing for stationary and office supplies.

Any other suggestions?  I'm open to everything and willing to try almost anything.

Wordless Wednesday

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse they typos. My phone thinks it's smarter than me.

Charting *Updated*

Well look at me posting two days in a row.  I haven't done that since before Mary-Grace was born.

Not that many of you will really want to read this post.  It's going to be full of way, way too much information.  I mean really.  So, if you're not up for reading about blood, and cm, and what's not happening in this house, stop now.  Just turn and run. I won't be offended.

Alright, you've been warned.

After MG was born I had postpartum bleeding for what is considered longer than "usual".  I want to say it was 7-8 weeks.  After it stopped my cycles came back about 2 weeks later.  They were horribly painful but my chart looked pretty good.  Eight days of bleeding (which is actually good for me) followed by some green stickers about 7 white and lots of pretty green (I say pretty green because prior to MG I never ever had green stickers with the exception of the cycle we conceived).  I only had about one day or so of TEBB (which is FABULOUS for me) and all looked normal.  Although I was irritated at the quick cycle return I was happy that my body seemed to actually be doing something right with no help.

This time around.  Oh my goodness...it's insane.  I had postpartum bleeding for I think about 10ish weeks.  I can't remember exactly (I wasn't charting yet).  Then I had 2 days of white stickers followed by 8 red.  Then 3 more white, 10 red, 5 white, 1 red, 1 white, 11 red, and now I'm on my 13th white.  That is not normal.  I know they say that almost anything is normal while breastfeeding, but this can't be normal.  I'm over it and longing to see a green sticker and some sort of sign of something fairly normal.

We are absolutely avoiding a baby right now.  Partly due to the fact that I just had 2 babies in 1 year (my body needs to heal), partly due to ppd (my mental state needs to improve), and largely in part to what I just mentioned above (obviously I'm not healthy and fear it would not be a healthy pregnancy).

Well if you noticed, there is not one green sticker above, and I'm currently just over 14 weeks postpartum, coupled with the fact that I was huge and pregnant and didn't want to be touched, you do the math on what hasn't happened in a really,really long time.

All I know is that I have one really really patient husband.

I'm guessing I need some bloodwork.  But when would I do it?  Typically it's timed around certain points in your cycle.  Well, I have no clue where I am in my cycle...would you even consider any of this a cycle?

When I got pregnant with Hannah so quickly, I thought my body must be healed.  Maybe we finally figured it all out and I didn't have any issues anymore.  Not so much.  

So, do any of you charting experts have any idea what's going on? I'm at the end of my rope.  This is not fun. 


*I had my appointment with Angela last night.  Right away she said I definitely needed some yellow stickers.  She explained it to me but said I had to do some sort of essential sameness test each day for 2 weeks then I'll go back in and get the stickers.  It seems easy enough so that's our new plan.  I can see where there is definitely room for human error as far as avoiding but we aren't super concerned.  While we don't plan to actively try at the moment for the above mentioned reasons, we are always open to life.  And should God see fit to bless us again then we'll be grateful for that.  His plan always ends up better than my plan anyway.

We also discussed the crazy bleeding.  The good news is that I've had 13 full days without any bleeding.  My hope is that that's all behind us now.  I've got a call in to my Napro doc but I'm thinking it was so sort of wacky postpartum thing.  Angela said she's seen this 2 other times.  And while it's not "normal," they couldn't find anything wrong with her other clients either.  I have been checked (a few weeks back) for retained placenta.  That wasn't the issue.  But like I said.  I have a call in to Dr. G so we'll get her take.

So the plan for now is yellow stickers until this lets up or until I have my first real cycle.  She explained that all of this CM doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong.  She said it's fairly common in women who are breastfeeding.  She also told me about something called cervical eversion.  It is something that can happen due to oral contraception use or vaginal delivery.  It's basically an inflammation of the cervix.  It's not uncommon and I guess if you aren't charting you probably wouldn't really notice the excess mucus.  It doesn't really seem to cause health problems but it can be fixed in a doctor's office with a little cauterization.  We'll see what Dr. G thinks.

Can I just say how much my mood has changed just since last night.  I think all of this craziness was really starting to weigh me down.  It's not fun bleeding for that long.  It's exhausting.  Thank you all for your prayers and advice.  You ladies rock!

It's not all doom and gloom...

My last two posts have been pretty dreary.  While most days are filled with anxiety and lots of tears, not everyday is bad.  I do have good days.  Days where the anxiety is at a minimum and there are no crying fests in sight.  Sometimes I have a few of these really good days in a row.  This past weekend was one of those.  

This post could easy be one of those "Why I Love My Husband" posts as well.

Sometime last week I texted K while he was working and told him I really needed a change of scenery.  He texted me back almost immediately with "How about we go to the beach?"  Um, heck yes!  We live only about an hour from the gulf and a little over an hour away from Ft. Desoto.  It's one of our favorite places but the last time we went was about two weeks before Mary-Grace was born.  You can read about that here.  When we were dating and first married we used to go the the beach all the time.  Slowly we got busy and it happened less and less.

So on Friday I headed out to get myself a new baithingsuit.  I totally stretched out the one I wore a few years ago by squeezing my 39 week pregnant self into it a few months back.  I also picked up some picnic lunch type things and a new beach blanket.  We packed up the car Friday night and headed out first thing Saturday morning.  Of course first thing with two babies doesn't happen as quickly as it did in our pre children days, but we eventually got on the road.

It was hot, very hot, but it was beautiful!  After we got set up, I fed Mary-Grace lunch and then fed Hannah. Then we took the girls for a dip in the Gulf.  Unfortunately I didn't get a picture of Hannah putting her toes in the ocean for the first time.  But she loved it!

Hannah decided to take a nice little snooze so K took Mary-Grace back into the ocean to play while I laid in the sun.  Oh how I miss laying in the sun.  It wasn't for long but it was so relaxing!  Just what I needed.  I spent some time sitting at the edge of the water with my oldest just laughing and playing in the sand.

After awhile we took a short walk around the wooded area of the park before heading home.

Mmmmm lunch!

She recently found her feet.

Sleeping to the sound of the ocean...the best kind of sleep. :)

Playing in the ocean with Daddy.  And just a little tip, when there is miles of beach, don't sit you stuff right in front of someone else. :0/

Here hair, it cracks me up!

My little mini me.

Sleeping on our walk. 

That night K ordered pizza so I didn't have to cook.  Then the next morning after I fed Hannah, he took her and handled Mary-Grace when she woke up so I could sleep in.

It was FABULOUS!

Later that day he gave me some time to finally use the awesome new sewing machine the girls got me for Mother's Day.  I cranked out two adorable pillowcase dresses for the girls to wear to Mass that night.  Unfortunately I forgot to take a picture.

It was most definitely just what I needed!  Am I magically cured?  No.  Did it help me to feel a little normal?  Absolutely!

And a few pictures from some other "good days" I've had recently...

Hannah's Baptism

I forgot to charge my camera though so we only got a few pictures. :(  Poor second child.

Fourth of July

My Hannah-Bear!  I love this kid!

Don't you just want to eat those cheeks?

Her cheeks look pretty delicious too. :)

I may be a little bias, but isn't she beautiful?

My very failed attempt to get a picture of them together.

Fun with the new bubble machine.  Best $12 I've spent in awhile!

How cute is that outfit?

Quick Takes

Has it really been almost a month since my last post? Yikes! Thank you all so much for your prayers! Here's a quick takes to update you on how things are going.

And please excuse any wonkiness... I'm doing this from my phone and it tends to do weird things.

1. The progesterone didn't do a darn thing. Nothing...nada...I feel no different. Yippie. I'm not sure where to go from here. K thinks I need to talk to someone else, perhaps to get on a low dOse of an anti depressant. He's probably right, but I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to admit that it's at that point. I know that seems silly but like I think I mentioned in my last post, I come from a scary history of mental illness in my family. I've always feared this.

2. I've been trying to do some behavioral type things to see if that helps. I take everything minute by minute (at least I try to). I'm trying to communicate my feeling and frustrations with K more. And I'm TRYING (emphasis on trying) to ask K for help when I need it. He is an AMAZING husband and wants so badly for me to feel better.

3. I treated myself to a pedicure last Saturday...ALONE. It was the first time I had been alone in over 15 months (sinceary-Grace was born). I'm not kidding when I say I haven't been alone at all since then. No grocery store trip...rarely a trip to the bathroom. I felt so selfish but deep down I knew I really needed it. I fed Hannah right before I left and since the nail salon is less than 5 minutes away I was sure I could get there and back before she was hungry again. It as a fabulous hour. I fell asleep sitting in the massage chair while she rubbed my feet. I felt great but unfortunately it only helped the immediate. However, it was very worth it and I thi k I need to try to find room in our budget to do it monthly. It's only $15 if you pay cash...I'm sure I can cut $5 from three other pieces of our budget. I'm finally realizing that my sanity is a priority.

4. Hebrews mentioned in my last post about how this may have been harder for me to admit because of my history with IF. She was so right! So, so right. I feel so ungrateful all of the time. I struggled for this. This is my dream, and it's come true, yet I'm not happy. How can that be? It seriously makes me feel horrible. Just thinking about it makes me want to burst into tears. I often feel like I need to suck it up and get over it. There are so many women who would give their right arm to be in my shoes. But I can't just get over it. I've tried.

5. Another HUGE issue is my mother. I know I've mentioned her before. I have feared my entire life that I would be like her. I still fear it. Anytime I feel like I just need to get away for a minute I wonder if I'm going to be like her. Is that how it started? Did she first feel like she just needed a minute? Then that minute turned into a few days. Then those days turned into months...then years? Is that how she abandoned us? Although there is no part of me that has an desire to walk away from my babies, I still wonder if I'm going to be like her. It is a guilt I can't shake. It breaks me.

6. The above is what makes me want to fix this! I WILL NOT DO TO MY GIRLS WHAT MY MOTHER DID TO ME! I WILL NOT! My babies deserve a mother. Hell, I deserve a mother. I will beat this, I have to! I'm beginning to wonder if I need therapy or counseling. Maybe getting to the root of my issues will help.

7. I don't want to leave this totally depressing, so instead, I'll leave with a few pictures of my lovely girls. :)

She loves her little sister and asks me constantly to hold her. :)



She also like to share her water...with Hannah's nose. Hannah does not look amused.





Big girl won't let me feed her yogurt anymore.




This little one is so happy...except when she's not. :)