MIA

I've been MIA for a couple of days.  Things have been really stressful and really busy.

On Monday I went to see my Nana (she was released from the hospital on Saturday).  She look terrible.  Not responsive and totally out of it.  I don't think she even knew I was there.   It's hard because 2 weeks ago I was over there and she was totally fine.  My grandfather ended up having to call 911 again that night.  She's been in ICU ever since.  I went to see her yesterday and she looked much much better.  They are hoping that she can get out of ICU by Sunday and moved into a regular room.  They are still bringing hospice in though.  Apparently her kidneys were shutting down.  The doctor thinks that because she had not had anything to eat or drink for over a week (from being so sick), and continuing to take all of her meds (she takes A LOT!) her kidneys went into overdrive and couldn't function.  I was happy to see that she was feeling pretty good, or at least as good as can be expected, yesterday.  She was being her usual sassy self so I know she must be feeling a bit better.  If you can continue to pray for her recovery I know my family would greatly appreciate it.

On some more positive notes (I need to get myself out of the "funk" so I'm going to talk about happier things)...

Have any of you heard of the book Discovering The Feminine Genius: Every Woman's Journey by Katrina Zeno?  DH came across it...I think he heard about it on Catholic Answers Live.  It got really good reviews so I'm hoping it's good.  I love to read but I get really bored with self-help, how to live your life kinda books and supposedly this is more in story format.  We'll see...

School is out in 12.5 working days!  Woohoo!  I have never been so happy for a school year to end in my life.  I think I'm even more excited then I was when I was the one actually in school.  This has been to longest most stressful school year yet.  I was beginning to think I might not make it without having to be put on the funny farm.  Fortunately the end is in sight!  This will be the first year I'm not working in the summer.  I am sooooooo excited!  I have about 1,000 projects planned to keep me busy.  My house is going to finally get some attention.

I'm a bit afraid that come August I'm not going to want to come back.  I feel with every fiber of my being that I am called to be at home.  I feel like I'm just working to pass the time.  I know that sounds terrible, and I do love what I do, but I would much rather be at home.  I hate that I can't devote the attention I want to my house and my husband.  I feel such an internal struggle.  DH wishes I could stay home too.  I feel guilty talking about it with him because I know he feels bad.  Unfortunately with the economy we need my income.  In our plans it wasn't supposed to be this way.  But then again those were our plans and obviously not God's.  Maybe this summer he will get a raise...or maybe we'll hit the lottery!  :)

I think I've talked DH into getting a friend for little Oscar Dog.  :)  I've always had dogs...for as long as I can remember...and I've always had at least two.  When DH and I got married it was the first time I had ever not had a dog.  I begged and begged and begged.  But unfortunately DH had never had a pet at all.  He comes from a non animal loving family.  I mean seriously non animal loving!  After about 14 months of begging DH (this is just the first 14 months we were married...I do recall beginning the begging before then...I knew it would take awhile) he finally caved and we got Oscar.  He has grown to love that silly little dog as much as I do.  So, after about 6 months of having him I started planting the seed that maybe we needed another one.  Dogs are pack animals you know?  They are much happier when they have a friend. :)  And I think he finally sees it my way. :)  I'm hoping to go look this weekend at the SPCA and the Humane Society.  We do want another dachshund though.  I just love those little guys.  Such personalities!

Look at this little guy!  Isn't he just too cute!

Prayers For Nana Again

I just received a call from my sister who just talked to my grandfather and he told her that they are now putting Nana in Hospice.  She was released from the hospital on Saturday but it appears that they may be admitting her again.  I'm not sure exactly what to think.  She was put in Hospice about 2 years ago and after about 6 months the actually released her from the program because she was doing so good.  I have a feeling it is different this time.  She doesn't seem to have the will.  I worry.  I know it's seems selfish but I need her here.  I don't have a mother, she's the closest thing I have.  I need her to help me through all of this IF stuff.  She's the only one who is so understanding and supportive.  I'm sad because I am worried that I may to have a baby while she is still here.  I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head.  I feel like so many parts of my life are falling apart around me.  To make it even better I'm home alone.  DH is at a baseball game and probably won't be home until midnight or so.  I just need a hug.

If you can, please say a prayer for my Nana...and for my family too.

My Morning Surprise

Today is CD1.  I told myself that I wouldn't get upset.  I told myself it was silly to think that after all of those months of avoiding because they said we had to, because they said it wasn't safe to get pregnant, that I'd get pregnant on the first try.  I knew that was silly.  But I did it anyway.  I let optimism creep in and now I'm really down.  I knew AF was on her way.  I could feel it last Wednesday.  I new she was sneaking up.  But when P+13 came and went yesterday and my PMS symptoms subsided I allowed my hopes to rise again.  I've never made it past P+12.  Never.  And I know 13 is just one more day but considering that my lp used to be 8 or so it's really strange to go to 13.  Even with the HCG I've never gone that far.  So needless to say AF was not welcome when I found her at 5am this morning.

It's raining outside.  It's really cloudy and dreary and humid.  It's not helping my mood.  It just looks sad outside.  I would love nothing more than to just go home and curl up in bed with my little Oscar Dog and sleep.  CD1 always brings tears for me.  Even when we were avoiding.  I guess it's the hormone change...and the overall just not feeling good.  I haven't even told DH yet.  I just didn't feel like talking about it this morning.  I know how bad he wants children.  The family who received the Elijah Cup last night at Mass had 9 children.  NINE!  DH just looked at me and smiled.  He said "that would be so nice."  I know he wasn't saying that to make me feel bad but it hurt.  I got this overwhelming feeling of guilt.  I would love nothing more than to have children with DH.  And nine would be wonderful!  There is just something so magical about a baby.  It's such a physical representation of two peoples love for each other.  I want that.  I want that more than anything.

This-N-That

Thank you all so much for your prayers for my Nana.  She is doing much better!  She has gotten up to move around today and we are hoping the doctor is going to let her go home either today or tomorrow.  Woohoo!

So it's been awhile since I've had a pregnancy dream.  I had them all the time when DH and I were ttc on our own.  Then when we started charting with Creighton and were put on the never ending avoiding thing they went away.  Well now that we're trying again I guess they've decided to come back.  Oh what joy!  Have I ever mentioned how I'm impatient?  Well I am.  So I tend to dwell.  And seeing how I'm on p+ 10 today and p+12 is just around the corner and I'm really hoping to pass p+12 for the first time in my life...I'm dreaming about it.

This particular dream was actually pretty funny.  Of all of my pregnancy dreams, I've never dreamed about actually p-ing oas.  I just dream that I'm pregnant.  Well last night I had a dream that I was going to poas but totally missed it.  I was irritated and just tossed the test into the toilet.  They all of a sudden it started flashing bright pink (picture a pink strobe light).  My friend who was standing next to me (apparently I was letting her watch me do this) started screaming "Oh my gosh!  You're pregnant!  You're so pregnant the test still worked with all that water diluting it!"  Then she screamed "Look it's flashing pink!  You're having a girl!  Let's go shopping!"  I woke up laughing!  It is so much like my friend to immediately want to go shopping for girl stuff.  I have always thought that if I had girls she would see to it that I had the best dressed little girl.

So I called said friend this morning to tell her my ridiculous dream.  She laughed and then told me that she also had a dream last night that I was pregnant.  Seriously?  How insane is that?

I'm by no means reading into this dream thing.  I'm fairly certain that I'm not pregnant.  I've definitely got all the signs that CD1 is right around the corner.  I'm feeling pretty crappy to be honest.  I would just like infertility to stop invading my dreams...and my friend's dreams for that matter.

So my nephew turns two today.  I love that little guy so much!  I got to be in the delivery room and everything the day he was born.  It was the most amazing experience ever!  I can't believe how fast he is growing up.  His older brother is now 5 1/2.  I'm feeling old.  My little sister is apparently very fertile.  Neither one of them took any effort.  Who am I kidding?  They were both total surprises.  I try not to be jealous.  But it does creep in every now and then.  But then I look at them and my heart is just filled with so much love.  DH and I are going to be keeping both of them over night on June 4th.  I can't wait.  It's rare that we get both of them at the same time.  DH can't wait.  Watching him with the two of them just melts my heart.

So DH is finally going to get an SA done.  I'm not sure why Dr. G hasn't really mentioned it.  I decided to go ahead and ask her about it.  I figured I don't want to be spinning my wheels if there's a problem on his end too.  I have to admit.  I'm a little nervous about it.  I read awhile back that Accu.tane can cause low sperm count.  DH took the stuff when he was a teenager.  I don't know if this is actually true but I do worry about it.

Does anyone know where you order the kits to do the SA?  Is it difficult to find somewhere that will take it?  I'm sure when you call most of them think you are crazy.  The closest place to us is over an hour away so I'm guessing we're going to have to get a hotel room.  Scandalous!  :) Should be interesting.  :)

Update on Nana and Some Other Stuff

Thank you all so much for your prayers for my Nana.  I know she can feel them.

I went to see her in the hospital last night and it wasn't good.  I've never seen her like that before and it broke my heart.  My grandmother does have some health issues but they are all physical.  Mentally she is totally with it.  However last night she was not.  She had an extremely high fever and they believe she has pneumonia.  She also had a very irregular heart beat that was really fast.  Combine that with all of her other health concerns (diabetes, copd, chf) and it was not good.  I have never seen her the way she looked yesterday.  She was very confused and combative.  My aunt did call me today to say that she was doing much much better and has no memory of yesterday.  They are not releasing her because she is still having the rapid irregular heart beat.  So you if you could still pray for that I would be so greatfull!

So in cycle news...

I took my last hcg shot yesterday on p+9.  Since starting the hcg I have been having a 12 day lp.  That's actually the longest lp I've ever had...EVER!  So that means CD1 should be on Sunday.  I'm not holding my breath that it won't show up.  We had great timing but thinking that this would work on the first cycle trying after that ridiculously long break just seems silly.  I'm not saying that I have lost complete hope...I'm just trying to be a bit realistic.  I need to be for my sanity.  Besides...I'm already starting to get my usual mild cramping that I get about 3 days before CD1.  I can feel it coming.

I've decided that I won't let it get me down if I'm not pregnant this cycle.  I refuse! If I learned anything since I started this Creighton and Napro thing it's that I've got to be patient.  Patient is not a virtue of mine.  This is something that God is teaching me every single day.  I'm really working hard on it...but it's very difficult.

I found this prayer for patience I though I would share.

~ A Prayer For Patience ~

God, teach me to be patient, teach me to go slow,
Teach me how to wait on You when my way I do not know.

Teach me sweet forbearance when things do not go right
So I remain unruffled when others grow uptight.

Teach me how to quiet my racing, rising heart
So I might hear the answer You are trying to impart.

Teach me to let go, dear God, and pray undisturbed until
My heart is filled with inner peace and I learn to know your will.

~Helen Steiner Rice~

 

Please Pray

I'm asking all of you for some prayers.  My grandmother just had to be taken to the hospital.  As I've mentioned before I was not raised with my mother and my Nana has more than stepped in to take on that role.  We are not 100% sure what is wrong yet but she has been in poor health for several years.  Please pray for her strength and for wisdom for the doctors.  Thank you so much!

Two Posts In One Day? Background Story Part 1

So I'm bored.  I don't want to be at work and it's a very slow day.  Who am I kidding?  I never want to be at work.  I love what I do but I feel that my true calling is at home.  More on that another day. :)

I was thinking...I don't think I've ever given a background story to my whole ttc adventure.  It's a long one so I'm going to break it up into parts.  I warn you now...this may get graphic with way too much information so if you are shy or squimish I recommend you close your eyes.  And if you aren't into long drawn out posts...run!  Run now because I have about 18.5 years of info that you really could care less about coming your way.

OK...ready?  Remember, I warned you!

My problems started right off the bat.  I'm not kidding, right from the beginning.  It was November 2, 1992.  I had softball try-outs that day so I woke up bright and early.  When I went to the bathroom I noticed that I had started my first period.  Seriously?  On softball try-out day?  This is ridiculous!  I was ticked.  And I was only 9 years old.  (Yes, I remember the exact date, it was traumatizing!)  I had fortunately learned about this from Girl Scouts and some silly cartoon movie my dad made me watch.  I say fortunately because as I've mentioned before my mother abandoned me at 6 years old...so the alternative was learning from my dad.  I'll take Girl Scouts and a movie any day thankyouverymuch!

Anyhoo...I knew right away something was strange.  From day one I had cramps and super heavy bleeding.  From everything I learned your first period was supposed to be "practice."  I also recall being taught that a period is anywhere from 3-7 days.  Now I realize looking back that some of the things I were taught were incorrect, but some of it definitely made me realize that something was up.  My periods were way more than 7 days, they were anywhere from 10-15 days.  Even in my 9 year old little brain I knew this wasn't right.  But did I tell anyone?  NO!  I was far too humiliated.  Not only did I not tell anyone about my issues, I didn't even tell anyone that I had actually started my period.  Instead I would just steal pads from my aunt while I was at my grandmothers house.  I was too shy and too embarrassed.  Remember, other than Girl Scouts and a video my dad rented, I had never had this conversation with my family.  Oh wait!  My aunt did buy me a book called What's Happening To My Body: Book For Girls.  But like I said, I had never actually talked to anyone about this.

That Christmas my cover was blown.  I had been flushing pads down the toilet as to conceal any evidence when I apparently didn't check to make sure the little paper things that cover the sticky part made it down.  My aunt went in the bathroom right after me on Christmas Day and discovered the secret.  She confronted me and I tried to lie but there was nothing I could do, I was caught.  So you would think after being outed I would come clean about my issues wouldn't you?  Nope.  I still didn't tell anyone about the horrible pain and excessive bleeding.

My aunt even bought me a calendar to track my period.  She sat down with me to fill out the most recent one.  After marking 3 days she said "that's it right?"  Um no I said.  I made her keep going but had her stop at 5 because I was embarrassed.  Recently I found out that her period has been only 3 days long her entire life and she has never so much as even had the slightest cramp.  To which I replied "YOU SUCK!"

This went on for 8 years.  I suffered in silence and figured that this had to go away eventually.  When I was 17 I decided I couldn't take it anymore.  I told my dad's girlfriend about my issues and she said she would make me a doctor's appointment.  I never heard another word about it again.  Then 3 weeks later my dad told me that he was taking me to the doctor.  I had forgotten about my conversation with his girlfriend and asked why.  He said to me "Aren't you having some sort of girl problem."  Ummmm ok.  I could not believe he was going to take me to see a gyn!  I figured his gf would do it.  I protested but lost.

When I got back to the exam room the nurse gave me the gown and instructions.  I was shaking.  I sat on the table and when the doctor walked in to my horror it was a man.  Are you kidding me?  My dad's gf made an appointment for a 17 year old terrified, modest girl to go to a male gyn?  I was flipping out!  I didn't know what to do so I just decided to take my mind to a happy place and pray it would be over quickly.

Fortunately the doctor didn't do a full exam with that duckbill thing.  He said that since I wasn't sexually active it wasn't necessary.  All I could say was THANK YOU JESUS!  Although looking back, with the symptoms I was having he should have done a more thorough exam.

He said that he could help me by prescribing me the pill.  I was like ummmm ok.  (I should also note that I was not raised Catholic and had no idea about the pill, the ethical issues and the harm it does.)  The doctor said he would talk to my dad so that he understood that I was not taking it because I was sexually active but because it would help to regulate me and numb the pain.  I was thankful for this.  I was afraid my dad would think that I was lying about the issues to get a Rx for the pill.

I started taking them right away and immediately noticed a difference.  However, at the same time the migraines I had been having since I was very young were progressively getting worse.  It took me years to put two and two together.

To be continued...

Boy has it been an interesting few days!  DH and I left last Friday to make the 12 hour drive up to Boone, NC.  We were heading up to attend the wedding of dh's cousin.  We left 90 degree weather only to land in 30 degree weather.  I can usually handle the cold but it was such a temperature difference and I was wearing a dress that I thought I just may freeze to death.  I'm a Florida girl through and through.  I just can't take that temp in May.  It just isn't right. 

On Sunday we got up early to drive the two hours to Asheville, NC to go to Mass at the St. Lawrence Basilica.  IT WAY BEAUTIFUL!  When you walked in you could do nothing but think of God.  It was so amazing that I almost forgot that it was Mother's Day.  Surprisingly the Mass didn't center around mothers.  The only thing that was an indication was some women had corsages on their dresses.  When they said the intentions they said included mothers, grandmothers, and godmother.  I thought, "well...somehow I sneaked in there...I'm a God mother to two."  Then at the very end when they were making some announcements they did what I dreaded.  They asked all the mothers to stand up to receive their blessing.  Then they did something I wasn't expecting, they asked the Godmothers to stand up as well.  DH looked at me encouraging me to stand.  But I couldn't.  My legs just would not lift me up.  I felt like a fraud.  This blessing was for mothers, and I thought "I'm not a true mother."  I know it sounds silly but I just couldn't bring my self to do it.  When the blessing began I felt my eyes well up with tears.  I tried so hard to hold them in but I could not control the hot, steamy tears from rolling down my cheek.  DH was such a great comfort.  He just silently put his arm around me.  With out words I could feel him saying "I'm sorry."

After Mass and lunch we decided that we would only drive as far as Charleston, SC and we'd stay there for the night.  It was fun.  DH and I rarely ever do things like that on a whim.  Charleston is just so beautiful.  By far one of my favorite places.  It was nice to get away and to get my mind off of things for awhile.  While walking around we found a beautiful Cathedral.  It was another place that I could do nothing but think of God while I was in there.  The weekend was so stressful (the wedding wasn't exactly something the family agreed with) it was so nice to have two days filled with church and God.

To make things even better both on the way up and the was back DH and I listened to tons of cd's of Scott Hahn's talks.  If you guys haven't heard this guy I highly recommend him.  Such an amazing speaker!  We got hooked on him by picking up some of the Lighthouse CD's at church.  Now DH downloads all kinds of things.  We listened to his Conversion Story, to one titled The Fourth Cup, and one that I believe was called The Seven Last Saying of Christ (or something along those lines).  I used to hate listening to people talk in the car but lately I can't get enough of it.  I feel like I learn so much.  It really can help to make a long drive go by much quicker and it gave DH and I something to talk about.  I love having conversations like that with dh.

There is nothing really to report in cycle news.  I'm on post peak 8.  I've had two HCG shots so far and will get my last one tomorrow.  I never go longer than post peak 12 which I guess will be Saturday.  I'm cautiously hopeful.  In the instruction thing that Dr. G gave me about my HCG injections it says to wait until peak + 17 to test.  If I only ever make it to peak + 12 (this is with HCG, without I only get to 6 to 8) should I really wait until peak + 17?  That seems a bit excessive.  If I only have an lp of 12 while on the HCG by body obviously isn't hanging onto it too tightly.  I also don't want to get a false positive.  I'm confused.  Any suggestion?

Here are some pictures of the two churches we went to.  Sorry they aren't great but I always feel strange taking pictures in a church.

 St. Lawrence Basilica, Ahseville, NC

There were the most beautiful rose bushes outside the front of the basilica.

 

To the left of the alter is a small chapel with a beautiful statue of Mary.  To the right of the alter is the Adoration Chapel.

The Alter.  I have no words to describe it's beauty.  This picture does it no justice.

St. John The Baptist Cathedral, Charleston, SC

The Alter.  I love how it's almost all white.  So pure and simple and yet the detail is amazing.

Close up

The wood beneath the pews was original from the 1700's.

Stained glass above the alter.  It was impossible to capture the whole thing but you get the idea.

Prayers For A Friend

Thank you ladies for all of your kind words yesterday.  I was feeling very down but I'm happy to say that I am feeling much better.  I can feel your prayers.

I'm asking for a prayer request today.  This isn't for me but rather for a dear friend.  Let me give you a bit of a background story.

I work at a small school for special needs children.  About 3 years ago I met a wonderful family whose daughter was going to this school.  This young lady stole my heart from day one.  She was diagnosed with a few things that caused both physical and mental impairments.  Despite all of her troubles her family is committed to treating this young lady just as they do their other two children.  The give her absolutely everything they can to help her lead a life that is as "normal" as possible.  Over the course of the two years that I worked with this girl the family and I became very close.  I was so sad that she aged out and would not be here this year.  However, through the wonders of fac.eboo.k we have been able to keep in touch.  Today this little girl (I say little but she is now 18) and her mother came by to see me.  The mom (we'll call her T) told me that her daughter (we'll call her C) has been asking about me for weeks and begging to come see me.  Of course that just melted my heart.  T and I got to talking and she told me that C hasn't been doing so well.  Apparently she has been having seizure that are triggered by urination.  This is an extremely rare trigger for epilepsy!  Her neuro said that in looking back at all of her medical books there is only 6 recorded cases of this.  The poor girl is so scared to have a seizure that she has been refusing to urinate.  T told me that she has gone 36 hours without going.  This sounds impossible but due to some of her other medical issues she has poor muscle tone which just allows her abdomen to expand..  Poor C looks about 5 months pregnant because her bladder is so full.  The doctors are trying seizure meds but unfortunately with all of her other problems her body metabolizes medication differently.  She has been having terrible reactions and is now not sleeping.  This has now been going on for 9 months.  The doctors are at a loss and have no clue what to do with her.  There is the option to cath but they are worried about infection.  C is also 18 so they are worried about the psychological damage as well (she does not have the fine motor skills needed to cath herself everyday).  Besides, cathing will not control the seizures, it will just protect her kidney which are at serious risk considering she is not urinating for 36 hours at a time.

I'm begging you guys for your prayers for this family and especially C.  You can see how exhausted T and C are.  C just isn't herself.  It's so sad to see.  I'm praying that the doctors are able to find the right combination of medications that will but an end to this.

Thank you all so much.  I know that the power of prayer works.  I can feel your prayers everyday.

Struggles

I have been an absolute emotional wreck!  You would think being given the green light I would be feeling a bit better.  It's quite the opposite though.  I have such mixed feelings in my head and I can't seem to sort them out.  I feel like an emotional basket case.  I've been crying for days now at the drop of a hat.  This doesn't work so well when you work with children.  I just can't figure me out.  In one hand I have so much hope but in the other hand I feel so hopeless.  I feel like I've lost some of my joy, my spunk, my positive outlook.  I feel like I walk around in a haze and am just doing what I can to get through each day.

I'm on p+2 today.  I know that the hormone shift is partially why I'm feeling a bit down.  PMS has always been an issue of mine.  But honestly, I've felt like this for over a week now.  I've been in a "funk" for several months now but the last week or two has been ridiculous.  I feel like it started when Dr. G lifted the ttc ban.

DH and I ttc for a very long time before we found Crei.ghton and Nap.ro.  After we found them Dr. G and our FCP put us on lock down.  My charts were UGLY!  It was so obvious from looking at them that there was some serious hormone issues.  Dr. G even made the comment that she wouldn't be surprised if I hadn't had some miscarriages already and didn't know (this was judging from some really odd periods I told them about).  I felt so guilty and was so happy to find this Godsend.  When they told us that we really should avoid until we got my body sorted out I was upset but so hopeful.  At first I avoided without much complaint.  I knew that what we were doing was going to be the best for me and for my baby that I was so sure we would have.  As the months dragged on my feelings went from hopeful to frustrated.  I understood avoiding in the beginning but 11 months of it was getting ridiculous.  How would we ever know if all we were doing was working if we couldn't even try?

Then two weeks ago we finally got the go ahead.  A part of me was thrilled but a huge part of me was terrified.  We debated on if we would go ahead and use this cycle (I knew I would probably peak within a week or two) or just wait until the next one.  We decided on a whim Saturday after having 10KL all day to go ahead and start trying.  I had 3 days of 10KL AD!  That is awesome in my book!  So you think I would be excited.  We had amazing timing and it was nice not to feel like we were once again throwing away another cycle.  I have felt closer to dh in the last couple of days than I have in a really long time.  We are already so close that it's hard to imagine it being better.  I felt much closer to him than when we were trying before Crei.ghton.  It's such an amazing feeling.

However, there is just something inside me that is wreaking havoc on my emotions.  I can't quite put my finger on it.  I feel like just curling into a ball and sobbing.  I hate being like this.  People used to always comment on how I was always smiling.  I always looked so happy.  Now people are always asking me if I'm ok, or if something is wrong.  I know it's because I don't have that joy that I used to have.  I hate it!  I hate not being myself.

I was talking to dh last night and told him how I'm feeling.  He's an amazing man.  I can't put into words how blessed I am.  I asked him what's wrong with me.  I told him that I couldn't understand why I couldn't just be happy.  I told him that I thought that after all of this time waiting I would be happy to try.  And hopeful.  You would think I would be hopeful.  But I'm not.  It doesn't matter that I had great cm.  It doesn't matter that we had great timing.  None of that matters to me.  I still feel like this is never going to happen.  He reassured me the best that he can.  He reminded me that this is out of my hands, that we did everything we could and now it is up to God.  Sadly, that wasn't much comfort.

I don't know what to do.  I don't know how I can control my emotional craziness.  I feel lost.  I want to be happy, I really do.  I want to fully trust that God is in control of this.  But sometimes I struggle.  I want to have hope and joy, but I feel like I can't find it.  I just want to be myself again.  I miss the old me.  I miss the girl I was before infertility.  I want to find that girl again.