Hope-Pray-Trust

Thank you all for your prayers over the last couple of weeks.  It means so much to know that someone out there is praying for my family and me.

I've written about a dozen posts over the last few days.  I just can't seem to finish them.  Nothing I can possibly say seems adequate for my feelings.  I'm heartbroken.  My heart aches like I've never experienced before.  I didn't know that pain could feel like this.  The pain isn't just emotional, it's physical too.  My heart actually hurts.  It feels like someone is squeezing my chest and I can't breathe. 

I miss my Nana more than I could ever possibly express.  This is the longest I have gone in years without seeing her let alone talking to her.  I think I'm still in a bit of denial.  Every morning when I wake up I have to remind myself that this is real and it wasn't all some terrible nightmare.  She really is gone.  I've been going over to her house to see my Granddaddy.  When I walk in I keep expecting her to come around the corner from the hallway like she always did and say "Hey baby!  How are you and Mary-Grace doing today?"  I expect to sit at the dinning room table like we always did and just chat for hours and hours.  This is what we did several times a week.  It was my favorite thing to do and it never got old.  I couldn't wait until Mary-Grace was here so that I could bring her over to join us.  Neither could Nana.  She would talk about how I would have to bring her over just so she could hold her.  She would tell me that she would keep her while I took a shower or a nap.  She couldn't wait.  Neither could I.

I can't help but feel like it wasn't supposed to be like this.  I know God has a plan for us all.  I know that there will come a day when he will call all of us home.  I just wasn't ready for this.  I guess I never would have been ready.  I feel like she was supposed to be here still.  Back before I got pregnant I used to pray that God would keep her here long enough to meet my baby.  I prayed this everyday.  If you remember, last May she got really sick.  We really thought we were going to lose her.  But then she got better.  She shouldn't have, but she did.  She was put on Hos.pice, but that didn't worry me.  We had been down that road with her and she improved so much that she was released.  Then in July I found out about Mary-Grace.  Other than K, she was the first person I told.  I waited until Wednesday when I got the lab results back.  I was driving to her house when I got the call from Dr. G.  I burst through her door and she knew something was up.  She kept looking at me funny and ask what was going on.  She always could read my facial expressions better than anyone.  I wanted to be creative but I just couldn't wait.  So I just blurted out "I'M PREGNANT!!!"  She had the biggest smile on her face I've ever seen and tears streamed from her eyes.  It was so wonderful.  I began thanking God that I got to share this news with her.  I was so happy that she would get to meet my baby.

Since that point she began getting better and better.  She started doing things she hadn't done in years.  She constantly talked about Mary-Grace and how special she was.  As soon as she found out we were having a girl she started shopping like crazy.  It was the first time she got out of the house regularly in a very long time.  She even learned how to shop online. She couldn't stand it when she would buy something and she would show me but tell me I couldn't have it until my shower.  This was so Nana.  She couldn't keep a secret. She had a box in her closet full of all the things she couldn't wait to give Mary-Grace.  Back in September she was once again release from Hos.pice.  Her head nurse couldn't believe her turn around and said she was healthier than she had been in many many years.  I was so proud of her.

For the first time in years I stopped worrying about Nana.  She hasn't been in good health for a very very long time.  She never really took good care of herself.  But this time she was doing so great.  She was so unbelievably happy.  It was wonderful to see.  This past Christmas she was giddy.  Christmas is her favorite time of year.  She always talked about how Granddaddy would light her a fire in the fire place and she would sit by the tree and wrap presents with a nice cup of coffee.  She hadn't been able to wrap her own presents in a long time.  But this year she did.  Granddaddy said she had the biggest smile on her face.  He couldn't believe how happy it made her.

She had the invitation to my baby shower taped up on the hutch in her dining room when I was over on Christmas.  She couldn't wait.  She was so happy to have another great-grandbaby and that we were finally having another girl in the family.  There hasn't been a girl since my little sister was born almost 26 years ago.  We were due.

I'm glad that I was able to be there when she passed.  It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I was happy that her family could be there so she wasn't alone.  We all talked to her and told her it was ok and that her family would be ok.  She was never afraid of dying.  She would always tell me that her momma, brothers, and Nonnie and Papa were preparing a big family reunion for her up in heaven.  And that when she got there they would all be waiting at the gates for her.  She missed them all dearly.  I put my head on her hand a told her it was ok to go.  I told her that GG, Johnny, Billy, and Nonnie and Papa were waiting for her.  I asked her to give them all a hug and a kiss for me.  I also asked her to please be at the gate waiting for me when it was my day to go.  I know she will.

I know they say that with time it will get better.  It's hard to believe that right now.  My heart is too heavy.  My shower is in a week and a half.  She won't be there.  She wanted to be.  I wanted to cancel it or at least postpone it.  K won't let me.  He said that Nana would be so upset with me if I did.  He's right.  But it's going to be so hard not having her there.  Many of the gifts she ordered me arrived 2 days after she passed.  It seems strange and a bit ironic.  I don't know how exactly, it just does.

My Nana was such an amazing person.  She was so much more than a grandmother to me.  She took the place of a mother when I didn't have one.  She didn't think twice about it.  She was selfless, and witty, and funny, and smart.  She was the most wonderful and amazing person I have ever met.  The world has lost a special person.  If you met her once, you were family.  If I ever introduced her as Mrs. Taylor to a friend she would look at me like I was nuts.  She always told everyone "You can just call me Nana."  That's who she was, she was Nana, Nana to everyone.

She will have a piece of my heart forever.  I can't imagine that life will ever be the same.  I will miss her voice, the was she smelled, the feel of her skin, her hugs.  I wish I could just have one more hug.  I don't know if I would ever let go.  I'm sad that Mary-Grace will never have the honor of meeting her.  K has been telling me that I am so much like her.  I don't see it.  I can't compare to the woman she was.  But I do hope that a piece of her is in me.  If I turn in to half the woman and mother she was, that would be something special.

Thank you all again for all of your prayers.  If you could continue to pray for my family I would really be grateful.  Please especially remember my Granddaddy and my sister Amber.  Granddaddy is having a really really hard time.  He's always been such a strong man but he has crumbled.  Thankfully, his doctor that has been with he and nana for years came by the house last week to check on him.  She brought with her a prescription to help him cope.  It's helping but he could still use prayers.  He is feeling guilty and wondering if he made the right decisions.  They were married for 50 years this past November.  I can't imagine what he is going through.  My sister Amber is also having a really hard time.  She was the only one of us who wasn't there when she passed...she lives a few hours away.  She has always been someone who worries me.  She is pretty emotionally unstable and unfortunately, I don't know that she believes in God anymore.  In times like this a belief in God become even more important.  I don't know how people who don't get through this sort of thing at all.  I worry about her.