After a whirlwind of doctors who didn't seem to want to help me I finally made an appointment with my Napro doctor. Why I didn't start with her, I have no idea. I did talk to her back in June and she gave me progesterone. But when that didn't work, I assumed she couldn't do anything else. I'm not sure why.
A few weeks ago K told me I was starting to scare him. He worried about the girls and me all day while at work. Now, I was not at the point where I ever contemplated hurting my babies. But I can completely understand his concern. With my anxiety came an obsession with death. Not that I planned on causing death, more that we were all going to die. I worried every second of every day that one of my girls, K, myself, other family members, was going to die. I would have these elaborate visions (I'm not sure if that's the right word) of what would happen. It was terrifying. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't function. I was having panic attacks every morning when K would leave for work. I was convinced he was going to be in a accident. I would stay awake staring at Mary-Grace's monitor because I was terrified that someone was going to break in and kidnap her. The list could go on and on.
Last Wednesday when I met with Dr. G she was so amazing. I almost cried because she actually listened to me. Imagine that. A doctor who actually listens and doesn't just dismiss you (that may sound harsh but my experience with doctors hasn't exactly been good). We went over options and both agreed that things were bad enough that for now an antidepressant would probably be a good idea. She had done some research prior to our meeting and we agreed on what we believed would be the safest while breastfeeding Hannah. I understand the risks (they really are minimal) and am willing to take it. She also agreed with me that this more than likely has a hormonal component. She ordered bloodwork for hormones (progesterone and estrogen), a thyroid panel, as well as Vitamin D and some other things. I'm also continuing on the injections of the vitamin cocktail my midwife prescribed me (B12, B6,B1, and Folic Acid). Then in a few weeks I have an appointment with her again to discuss how the Zo.lof.t is working.
We also discussed the insane amount of white stickers on my chart. Basically if it isn't red, it's white. I guess there is a protocol for yellow stickers if you are breastfeeding and you cycle hasn't returned and some other protocol but I don't technically fit in either one of those. She mentioned a possible cervical eversion and when I go back in we're going to check for that (I was on CD 3 so checking wasn't an option). She also prescribed vaginal progesterone for some point after my peak day (I can't remember exactly when right now). She said sometimes that helps dry up the constant cm.
I started taking the zo.lo.ft the very next day. She told me it may take a while for me to notice a difference. Nope, I noticed a difference the first day. I cannot tell you the relief I feel. I'm still having some strange thoughts but they are not crippling anymore. I have the thoughts and I can sort of push them from my mind. I haven't had a single panic attack since I started taking it. That's huge! I've been having daily ones for months. I haven't cried over silly things either. I can't tell you how long it's been since I haven't cried. It's been amazing! K is no longer getting frantic texts from me throughout the day telling him about how I'm losing it and I can't do it anymore. I know he must feel so much better. His stress level is high enough without worrying about whether or not his wife is going off the deep end. And believe me, that was not a far fetched worry. I honestly believed I had one foot in the door of a hospital. It was that bad.
Antidepressants is definitely not where I wanted to go. But I had to realize that I need to take care of my family and I wasn't able to do that. I had to put a lot of pride aside, admit that I couldn't do it alone, and recognize that this wasn't about me, it's about my girls. My girls deserve a mother who is present with them and can handle life.
I'm so thankful for all of you who have been praying for me and who have send encouraging emails and texts. I cannot tell you how they helped get me through some really dark days. I'm definitely still at the beginning of this journey, but I feel like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was beginning to think there wasn't a light.
