A New Day

Yesterday was a low, low day. Probably the lowest I've been in a very long time. Today already feels so much better. I know all of your prayers have a lot to do with it. Thank you, thank you! Thank you for your support and prayers. They mean the world to me.

Just so you all know, I do plan on talking to my OB on Monday at my appointment. I however will not consent to taking any medication at this time. I do not feel comfortable with that at this point. I don't like taking things while pregnant. However, if at any point I feel like it has become necessary we'll revisit the idea. I come from a long family history of mental illness. I'm not unfamiliar with depression, among other things. I do believe there are other ways to deal with depression rather than just meds that in most cases can be explored first. If that doesn't work then I'll look into it.

I got to thinking last night after I talked to a very wonderful lady (and fellow blogger). As women, I think it comes naturally to feel like we have to do it all. And then when we can't, for whatever reason, we are incredibly hard on ourselves.

I think this rings especially true for for those of is who have dealt with IF. I now have everything I prayed for. Shouldn't I be happy all the time?

When I noticed the feelings of sadness and stress creeping in guilt soon followed. I felt like I was throwing this beautiful gift that God had given me back in his face. I didn't want to admit my struggles to myself let alone anyone else. This left me feeling very alone and made everything worse.

I kept telling myself that these feelings were normal, that my non-sleeping child was normal. Then the questions start. Seemingly innocent questions from seemingly well meaning people made me feel like a complete and utter failure.

"Is your baby sleeping through the night?"

Ummmmmm...no...

"Oh, well my baby slept through the night a 6 weeks old."

"You need to let your baby CIO! You are spoiling her!"

And my favorite, said to me before I began solids.

"You aren't giving her solids yet? That's your problem. You are starving her. I gave my baby rice cereal when he was 6 weeks old."

I think all of these women (and there were more than just these 3) had well meaning intentions. But all I heard was that I'm failing. I was not comfortable with (and still am not) letting my baby CIO. I know it may work for others and I think that as a parent you have the right to choose it. It however, is not right for me. It would only make me feel worse about myself. I knew that I wasn't starving my child but I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps she was a little hungry. The seed was planted.

I know I'm not the only woman to feel this way. I hold myself to a very high standard. Often too high. I didn't even admit to K how bad it was until very recently. It's not that I was worried he'd think less of me. It's that by admitting it to him meant that I was admitting it to myself. That's hard. I come from a very a very long family history of some pretty severe mental illness. My mother is bi-polar and schizophrenic. Because of some of her illnesses she chose to leave her children. My whole life I've felt that if I admitted to having even the slightest bit of anxiety or depression that would mean that I'm crazy. I was terrified to be labeled and didn't want to be like my mom. I know deep down that I am nothing like her and that I could never do the things she did. But like I said before, the seed was planted.

For the past 2 months I've been getting sleep in 30 minute increments. I think that that sort of sleep deprivation is enough to make anyone feel crazy. The problem is that I let it go on too long before asking for help. I will say last night was better. This weekend we are going to work hard on teaching her to put herself back to sleep. I will however continue to feed her at night if I believe that she is hungry. we did read The No Cry Sleep Solution, and while I did not like some of it, I did like some of the tips and we are working on those with MG. I know that things will get better. I know they will.

And like I said, we have a pediatrician appointment next Wednesday to check for some food allergies and a few other things. I will feel much better about any type of sleep training we decide to try knowing that she isn't waking because something else is wrong.

Thank you again for your prayers. This little community has magic prayers. :) I feel much much better today.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the autocorrect craziness! My phone is out to get me!

I'm done. That's the only thing I can think about now. Except I can't be done. It's nit possible.

I feel like this is all I talk about lately but it's consuming my life right now. I need sleep. It's not a matter of wanting it anymore it's a matter of need. I'm a mess. I can no longer function. I've struggled with depression in the past. I was dealing with PPD after Mary-Grace was born. Then I got pregnant and stupidly though I didn't need to worry about PPD anymore because pregnancy was going to magically cure it or something. I'm not sure if I'm still having PPD issues or if I'm slipping back into a depression. But I do know this feeling and I don't like it.

I don't feel like myself anymore. I can't stop crying. I pace the hall all night, Mary-Grace screaming, me crying. Every morning for the last two weeks I have sobbed as K left for work, begging him to stay home. I've called him sobbing begging for him to come home. Then I feel terrible. How can I do that to him and make him feel guilty for going to work. He is doing everything in his power to support us and I'm making him feel guilty for it.

I'm sleep deprived and feel like crap. Actually, I think crap is too nice of a word. I've begged and pleaded with God. Something as to give. She doesn't sleep at night. She's up every hour. By the time I get her back to sleep I'm getting only about 30 minutes of sleep at a time. She only cat naps during the day. When she's awake she must me held. I can put her in her jumpy thing for about 10 minutes but that's it. Don't get me wrong, I love snuggling my baby, but I can't hold her all night and then the 11 hours that K's at work. I need to pee, or eat, or do laundry, or just sit without a 16 pound attachment.

K has been trying so hard to help at night. But the fact is that he can't feed her so if she's hungry I have to get up anyway. Heck, even if she's not hungry, nursing her is usually the only way to get her back to sleep.

We have a pediatrician appointment next Wednesday. I'm going to talk to him about this. I'm doubt it will lead to anything helpful but we'll see.

On days like today I feel like a horrible mother. I try to tell myself that it will eventually get better. But then I remember that come Match there will be another little one in this house. More sleepless nights. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so ridiculous. It's just sleep. But this lack of sleep is causing me to be in a place mentally, emotionally and spiritually that I do not want to be.

I would do just about anything for a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. I miss my Nana. I know she would have loved to hold and play with MG while I got some rest.

If you could spare a prayer please do. Either that I get some sleep or that I get to a better place when it comes to handling it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the autocorrect craziness! My phone is out to get me!

Advice

Alright ladies, I need your advice. How do I get my little peanut to sleep better at night?

The past 1 1/2 - 2 months have been miserable. MG is waking up ever 45 minutes to an hour. I'm exhausted and beginning to feel extremely crazy. She was a wonderful sleeper in the beginning. After about 6 weeks she started waking up more frequently but it wasn't too bad. She would wake to nurse then fall right back to sleep. But now, oh my, let's just say it's been a challenge.

We've developed a pretty good nighttime routine using cues from MG. He gets a bath given by daddy at 7:30. Then she snuggled with me and I nurse her. Then depending on her mood, either K or I rock her to sleep (I really don't mind rocking her because I enjoy the time and I know that she isn't going to allow me to do it forever). Then we put her in her pack n play in our room. This usually happens by about 8:30.

Then the fun begins. At least every hour she wakes up crying. I nurse her, she fights me (she even drew blood scratching my nipple the other day), she gives up and falls asleep. I put her back down and there's a 50/50 chance she stays asleep. If she does, great, but we'll be back at it in another hour. If she wakes up she screams bloody murder. This goes on all.night.long! I am EXHAUSTED! I NEED sleep.

K and I have talked. I'm thinking moving her into her crib in her room may help. I'm certain she can sense that I'm in the room with her. But other than that I'm out of ideas. I don't mind waiting a few minutes to see if she's just fussing rather than really awake. So far the fussing always turns into screams. I've tried patting her butt and putting her paci back in her mouth with no luck. I'm bit sure what else to do.

There has to be a way to teach her how to sleep. I absolutely do not mind waking up with her if she needs to nurse. In fact, I don't expect her to sleep through the night. But, I think for my sanity and her happiness ( she's quite grumpy lately and it's obvious she is over tired) something has to give.

She is finally learning to take naps during the day. I put her down at two shelled times during the day and she has finally figured out that she is going to nap regardless of if she really wants to or not. The amount of time she sleeps is still hit or miss (anywhere from 5 min - 2 hours). But I am extremely happy with our progress seeing as how just a month ago naps were totally non-existent.

So, if anyone has any advice I'm all ears. I'm desperate. I need sleep like I need water lately.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the autocorrect craziness! My phone is out to get me!

Running in Circles

Before I get to the point of this post let's start with some fun things...

First off, today is my sweet little Oscar Dog's 4th birthday. I begged and pleaded for a puppy beginning the day after K and I got married. It took me a whole year to persuade him but I finally did. We love our crazy little pup! So does MG...




Second, today is my little Peanut's half birthday. Six months already! I can't believe how fast the time is going. It feels like just yesterday I was entering my 3rd day of labor. ;) Only 6 more months and we'll be celebrating her birthday. I cannot imagine. Makes me so happy and breaks my hear at the same time. Peanut Butter, your daddy and I love you more than we could ever say. Thank you so much for making me a momma!



Ok, now onto the not so fun stuff. My neighbor recommended me to an endocrinologist that she knows. She works at USF (which has a huge medical college) and this doctor is on her floor. Her assistant told her that he was great and she's been seeing him for years. Bonus, I spoke with her yesterday and she was able to pull some strings and get me in this morning. Awesome! So I go in with my ultrasound results. They contacted my OB to get my blood results but they hadn't gotten there yet. When the nurse called me back unasked if there were forms that I needed to fill out (medical history and such) she said "Oh no, not with this doctor." Um, ok. That seemed strange to me. I finally sit down with the doctor. He looks at my thyroid films. Explains what he sees and tells me that based on just the ultrasound the doesn't anything too unusual. I have 6 nodules/cysts and my thyroid is slightly enlarged, but only slightly. The nodules all measure under 1cm so they aren't large. He recommended that I have another ultrasound in 6 months to a year. Ok fine, whatever. Then he asked me a few questions while we waited for my blood work. He asked me about leg cramps (nope), weight gain (big yes!), heart issues (nope), GI issues (yup), headaches/migraines (yes! yes! yes!), and a few other things I can't remember. I then told him about my constant debilitating exhaustion and brain fog and a few other things. He then accused me of purposely giving him textbook thyroid symptoms. Excuse me? Are you calling me a liar? I may be a lot of things, but I am not a liar and I'm not a hypochondriac. How rude! I told him I was just telling him how I have been feeling for the past several years. He then says well, the problem is that you are giving me symptoms of both and over and under active thyroid. Ok? Again, just telling him how I'm feeling. I don't know why I have symptoms to both. He's the doctor! Isn't he supposed to figure this out?

In the mean time my blood work finally shows up. He the looks at me rather sheepish and says " Huh! The results here really surprise me." I could tell he was eating his words. He then decided to have me go in to get a few more tests run and tells me to call him Friday morning and he'll go over the results with me. He then tells me that he is looking into possible Grave's Disease but made sure to tell me that it's a stretch and he doesn't think anything is really wrong with me. Thanks doc...

I bad already lost my faith in most doctors...this guy just reminded me why. Why is it so hard to find someone who is going to listen to me? I don't care if it's my thyroid or something else. I just want to feel better.

Oh, and the kicker, he asked if my cycles were regular. I said yes. He then said he didn't understand why I had fertility issues if I have regular cycles. I explained to him my diagnosis and he told me that fertility issues are caused by irregular cycles so it doesn't make sense. Are you kidding me? I though he has to be joking but apparently. He then said that IF is when you have PCOS. Riiiiight... Yes doc, that would be ONE of the causes of IF. Sheesh! Where do I find these people?

I don't think I'm going to get anywhere with this guy. I'm back at square one I'm guessing. I think I'm just done. I feel like I'm just stuck feeling like crap for the rest of my life. I don't have time or money to go through anymore doctors. Especially when I get nowhere. I'm just tired if doing it. I can't fight anymore.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the typos. My phone thinks it's smarter than me.

Quick Takes

1. MG will be 6 months old on Wednesday. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little sad. Six months just sound so old to me. I can't believe it's already been that long. I'm enjoying each stage with her (except this "sleep is for losers" stage) but I do miss my itty bitty little peanut.

2. I'll be 15 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Yikes! I thought my pregnancy with MG flew by. This one is going by at lightning speed. We are trying to decide if we're going to do the 4D ultrasound again this time around. We did it with MG and it was so much fun! However insurance doesn't cover it so it would be out of pocket. Money's tight but part of me would feel guilty that we did it with MG but not with Bean. I know it sounds silly but getting it means we also get a video. In the video we can see baby moving all around. I would love to see something like that of me when I was in my mothers womb. I don't know. I told K I can't decide so it's up to him.

3. If we do the 4D they do the first one at 17 weeks. So in just 2 short weeks we can find out the sex. Crazy! If I had to guess I'd say boy. I don't know why but I'm just feeling boy. We have a definite girls name but are clueless when it comes to a boy. We're pretty sure we want David for a middle name (that's K's middle name). First names we are thinking maybe Luke or Jude. My favorite boys name is Matthew. But of you know our last name you'll understand why we can't go with that one. I'm up for suggestions if y'all have some ideas.

4. I had a small amount if breast milk in the freezer that I worked super hard to pump. It would take me a whole day to get an ounce or two. I have something coming up where I'm going to have to be away from MG for awhile. The other day I came home after being gone all day to find the freezer door partially open and all of my milk partially defrosted. All of that milk I worked so hard for wasted. I just sobbed. I cannot tell you how hard it is for me to pump. There is no way I'll be able to store up enough milk to be gone from her again. It took me almost 3 months to come up with the milk I had. I'm at a loss and so frustrated at this point. I don't know what to do.

5. I still haven't found a new Endocrinologist. I'm just praying all of these nodules on my thrips are benign in the mean time.

6. I'm craving Fall! it's still in the 90s and humid here.

7. We still can't get MG to nap. However, we had her at the Bulls football game Saturday night and she passed out...for an hour! It was so loud in there.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the autocorrect craziness! My phone is out to get me!

The State of Things

I haven't decided on a new doctor yet. I've had two people recommend two different doctors to me to I'm researching both. One is looking somewhat promising. I ended up digging a little deeper on the doctor I went to last week, apparently he used to be good but he has had a lot of bad reviews in the last few years. Lots and lots of complaints about how you see him for your first appointment and then you only see a PA after that. I have no issues with PAs, in fact with my primary doctor I prefer the PA. However, when it comes to a specialist (who I am paying a lot more money to) I want to see the doctor. People were saying that they would specifically ask to see the doctor and they were told no. I also wasn't surprised to see all of the complaints about how rude the office staff is. I experienced that one first hand.

The truth is, it doesn't matter if he is great or not. I have nowhere to leave MG during the day. Things where K works are not going well so I don't want him taking off every time I have an appointment. We can't afford for him to lose his job. MG is also still breastfed and pumping isn't really an option for us. I've tried pumping. I tried daily, multiple times a day, for weeks. My body hates that pump an I can't get any milk. I know there's milk in there but it won't come out. I've talked to lactation consultants and tried everything we can think of (different size attachments, hand pumps, electric pumps, manual expression) and I get nothing. It's crazy. I can't leave her and risk not being back before she's hungry again. Especially when she eats every two hours and the drive alone to the doctor is 45 minutes one way.

I picked up my ultrasound report and images yesterday. I figured I should have them for whenever I find a doctor. Probably not the best thing to do. Of course I'm flipping out and trying to analyze what I read. Dr. Google isn't helping. I'm pretty sure that when I find a doctor a biopsy is going to be in order. I have 6 large hypoechoic nodules (my thrips itself also seems to be rather large). I have no desire for a biopsy. I hate needles! And I hate that biopsy means they are checking for cancer. I'm 14 weeks pregnant. What the heck can they do for me if I have cancer. I'm terrified!

Sleep...
Sleep is nonexistent in this house. For me anyway. MG is up at least 5 times a night and I can't get her to nap to save my life. It really didn't bother me until the past several weeks. Pregnancy exhaustion is making me crave sleep. I used to love our cuddle time at night. Now I'm just so tired and foggy that I pray she falls back to sleep quickly. Sweet MG has decided to use my nipple for teething. Ouch is all I can say. I'm already quite sore without her chomping down on me. I've been having flash backs to that first week of breastfeeding. I've had to dig out my cream again. I'm going to be honest here, I loved breastfeeding, loved it, until recently. It's becoming so painful again and MG fights me so much now that it's becoming a chore. I hate admitting to that. I find myself praying through it and begging for mercy. It hurts that bad.

On a positive note. Although MG isn't quite 6 months old we have started solids. She was so ready and she lives it! We have only tried pears, sweet potatoes, and bananas so far. We're going to try avocado today. The first bite or two we get funny looks but then she gets excited and tries to shove the spoon in her mouth. K and I can't seem to feed her fast enough. If she wants more before we give it to her she opens her mouth and tries to lunge at us grabbing for the bowl. It's hilarious! It's been so much fun!















I didn't actually let her eat a banana like that. I was eating one and she kept grabbing for it. I figures since she had already tasted banana I'd let her gum it for a second. She LOVED it!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the autocorrect craziness! My phone is out to get me!

**UPDATED** I have never in my life been so angry!

Today I was supposed to have an appointment with an endocrinologist to deal with my thyroid issues. I had all of my bloodwork done and an ultrasound. I was actually really excited about my appointment because I've heard good things about this doctor. I'm so sick of feeling like crap and had high hopes that this doctor could help me.

So I show up early. Feed MG in the car just in case it's a long appointment. I didn't want her to get fussy. Put her in her stroller and head up. When I walk up to the desk to sign in I notice a huge sign that says,

"Absolutely no children in the exam room. If you must bring your child with you please bring someone with you who can sit in the waiting room with your child."

Wait, what? I knocked on the glass obviously irritating the woman at the desk. When she opened it I asked about the sign. I told her I wasn't aware of their policy and that I had my 5 1/2 month old with me. She then told me rather rudely that I would have to reschedule. I explained that I don't have anyone who can watch my daughter during the day. She them told me that that was not her problem. I said "Ma'am, she's a baby, she's in a stroller, I'm sure she won't be any trouble." She said no, she can't go back and said she would reschedule me. Um, did she not just listen to what I said? I don't have anyone to watch her! I told her no thank you I will just have to find a new doctor. And do you know what she said? "Fine." Fine? That's it?

By this point I'm boiling and I can feel tears welling up in my eyes so I turn around to get out of there asap before I start crying. There was a nice middle aged woman in the waiting room who held the door for me and kept saying very loudly how ridiculous this was. I hope she thought it was ridiculous enough to say something to the doctor.

In hindsight I should have asked for my blood and ultrasound results. I was just so upset that I had to get out of there. I understand that they are a private business and they can implement whatever policy they choose no matter how absurd it is. However, it would be nice if they told people this on the phone when they made their appointments. Had I known this I wouldn't have made the appointment and waisted an hour long drive.

So I guess I'm back at square one. I have to begin my search all over again and I'm not sure where to start. What frustrates me more than anything is that my results are in and yet I don't know what they say. I just want to know what's wrong with me.

Since when did children become the enemy? I just don't get it? What really boggles my mind is that I was there yet they couldn't just see me. My daughter is not even 6 months old. She was in a stroller. It's not like she could get into anything. Not that that matters. I don't really care to do business with anyone who feels this way about children. I just wanted my flippin' test results.

Am I crazy for being so angry? Do y'all take you babies with you to the doctor?

**UPDATE**

When I left the office I called K immediately. I was crying and fuming mad. My normally very calm husband was pretty ticked off and told me he wad going to call. He left a message for the office manager asking her to please call him back. He explained what happened and also told her that we needed my records sent to me ASAP because we needed to find me a new doctor. I figured she would t call back but she did. K said she was fairly polite but wasn't budging on their policy. He asked why we weren't informed and she said that it is in the new patient forms. Um, hello! New patient here! How an I supposed to know about your stupid policy before my appointment when you haven't given me the forms yet. He said he understood that sometimes toddlers can be unruly and make things difficult but our daughter is 6 months old and was sleeping in her stroller. She said it didn't matter. He also told her how rude the receptionist was and he said she somewhat apologized. But honestly, he got nowhere with her.

I was thinking about calling the actual doctor tomorrow but I'm not sure. Even if he did agree to allow me to bring MG I'm not sure I want to go to a doctor who obviously doesn't like children. I'm not sure I can trust him to treat me properly while I'm pregnant. I already have serious trust issues with doctors. I may write a strongly worded letter to him just letting him know how ridiculous this is but I'm not sure what that would accomplish. There are several doctor review sites out there though and I have every intention of reviewing him and letting people know about his absurd policy. I dot want another parent having the same experience I did.

So I guess the search continues...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the autocorrect craziness! My phone is out to get me!

Pictures - Because Kaitlin Asked :)

In my last post Kaitlin kindly asked for pictures. How could I say now? Unfortunately I think my computer finally bit the dust so y'all are going to have to settle for iPhone pictures.

So here it is. A quick picture post...Instagram style.




I couldn't resist these sunglasses. Too cute!




Mary-Grace loves her bath time every night with her daddy. As you can tell, K is a bit of a goof ball.




This is my child's hair in the morning. Notice the bald spot? It is actually a huge one that wraps from ear to ear. She's a mover in her sleep and her head shows it. The funny part is that the hair on top of her head is getting really long and wild (notice it standing straight up). K calls it the reverse mullet.




My sister came over the other day with her 2 youngest (her oldest was at school). Eli loved holding his sister Olivia and cousin Mary-Grace. Notice how chunky my niece is? This is the one that was in the nicu just 2 months ago. She is 3 months younger than Mary-Grace and has already passes her in weight. She's such a rollie pollie!




This one just makes me laugh. :)




She's learning to sit up!




We finally got one of those shopping buggy cover things. She LOVED it! Bonus, this one had harness things to hold her in. She tends to flop.




Ready to watch her first ever Bulls game. K and I are so happy college football is back and that we et to share it with our Peanut this year. Yesterday was the longest game ever!!! At halftime they had a rain delay that lasted over 2 hours and then with only 5 minutes left they had another delay that lasted about an hour. The game started at 3:30 and didn't end until after 9:30. Sheesh! But in the end the Bulls pulled it out and beat Notre Dame. Wahoo!

I hope y'all have a fabulous Labor Day! I've got my second OB appointment on Tuesday morning and then a thyroid ultrasound that afternoon. I'll be sure to update.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the autocorrect craziness! My phone is out to get me!