Hope-Pray-Trust

I'm done. That's the only thing I can think about now. Except I can't be done. It's nit possible.

I feel like this is all I talk about lately but it's consuming my life right now. I need sleep. It's not a matter of wanting it anymore it's a matter of need. I'm a mess. I can no longer function. I've struggled with depression in the past. I was dealing with PPD after Mary-Grace was born. Then I got pregnant and stupidly though I didn't need to worry about PPD anymore because pregnancy was going to magically cure it or something. I'm not sure if I'm still having PPD issues or if I'm slipping back into a depression. But I do know this feeling and I don't like it.

I don't feel like myself anymore. I can't stop crying. I pace the hall all night, Mary-Grace screaming, me crying. Every morning for the last two weeks I have sobbed as K left for work, begging him to stay home. I've called him sobbing begging for him to come home. Then I feel terrible. How can I do that to him and make him feel guilty for going to work. He is doing everything in his power to support us and I'm making him feel guilty for it.

I'm sleep deprived and feel like crap. Actually, I think crap is too nice of a word. I've begged and pleaded with God. Something as to give. She doesn't sleep at night. She's up every hour. By the time I get her back to sleep I'm getting only about 30 minutes of sleep at a time. She only cat naps during the day. When she's awake she must me held. I can put her in her jumpy thing for about 10 minutes but that's it. Don't get me wrong, I love snuggling my baby, but I can't hold her all night and then the 11 hours that K's at work. I need to pee, or eat, or do laundry, or just sit without a 16 pound attachment.

K has been trying so hard to help at night. But the fact is that he can't feed her so if she's hungry I have to get up anyway. Heck, even if she's not hungry, nursing her is usually the only way to get her back to sleep.

We have a pediatrician appointment next Wednesday. I'm going to talk to him about this. I'm doubt it will lead to anything helpful but we'll see.

On days like today I feel like a horrible mother. I try to tell myself that it will eventually get better. But then I remember that come Match there will be another little one in this house. More sleepless nights. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so ridiculous. It's just sleep. But this lack of sleep is causing me to be in a place mentally, emotionally and spiritually that I do not want to be.

I would do just about anything for a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. I miss my Nana. I know she would have loved to hold and play with MG while I got some rest.

If you could spare a prayer please do. Either that I get some sleep or that I get to a better place when it comes to handling it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the autocorrect craziness! My phone is out to get me!