When I was on the road to becoming Catholic, one of the things I remember learning that really struck me, was that there is value in suffering. Growing up with a really rough childhood, it was comforting to know that all of that suffering wasn't for nothing. That the difficult times I was going through with infertility, wasn't for nothing. As a protestant, I never learned that there was any value whatsoever in suffering. In fact, I was taught that bad things that happened to us, trials we went through, suffering, was because were weren't right with God. For the longest time I thought I was doing things very wrong. I had to be since God was allowing me to suffer at the hands of my mentally ill mother and alcoholic father.
I've tried to change my perspective on suffering (it's not always something I'm doing wrong to "deserve it"), but old habits are hard to break. It wasn't until Mary-Grace was born that I started to see that value. Holding my sweet baby that we tried so long for, that we prayed so long for, I could see the worth. It didn't take long for me to really understand why we had to suffer with infertility. I know this isn't true for every infertile, but for me (and K too), I could see it so clearly. We needed that time to realize the true value in life. To truly see the gift in our children. To see the beauty of being completely open to life.
This thyroid insanity has been a lot of suffering. Sometimes I suffer well. Sometimes, not so well. Sometimes I suck it up because I may feel awful, but I have a family to take care of. Sometimes I don't do well and it's all I can do to hold it together throughout the day without snapping at my kids and my husband.
I keep thinking about this doctor in another state who has been highly recommended to me. I'm fairly certain he could help me. While my doctor was willing to give me one of the medications I need yesterday, he is not extremely knowledgeable on the subject, so I will be on my own a bit to do the tweaking. And then there is the other medication I need. I have yet to get that one from him. The problem with this other doctor? He is many, many states away. Plane tickets aren't cheap. I have two small children. And I have a husband who doesn't get much vacation time at all. The logistics of making it work are hard. Coming up with the money to go seems damn near impossible right now.
I've talked to K about it numerous times. He, more than anyone, probably even more than me, wants me to feel better, to be healthy. We have gone over ways to make it work. But we always come up short. Something always happens. We still have medical bills from Mary-Grace's hospital stay that we need to pay. With this new baby, we are now going to have to pay our $6000 deductible to our midwife for his/her birth next year. We get to make payments on this, but they are several hundred dollars a month. And now we have no choice but to get me a new (to me) car. Well, minivan. There is absolutely no way to put 3 carseats in the back of my car. Then there's the little things, I got into an accident a month ago, $500 deductible. Our garage door broke the other day and I was trapped, couldn't even open the thing manually. There goes another $250. We are already very much month to month. We're house poor. We made a very bad decision and purchased our house right before the recession. We were given a loan that we certainly couldn't afford and received some extremely bad advice. But it is what it is. We are thankful for a roof over our head.
For a long time I was complaining...a lot. Then last night we discussed it again. I could see the pain on my husbands face. I could see that by constantly bringing it up, despite knowing our current financial situation, was hurting him. He was feeling like a failure. Like he couldn't provide enough for his family. That hurt. He works so incredibly hard. He is gone for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week working to support his family. He gets home every night just in time to have dinner with us and put the girls to bed. Then he helps me where I fall short during the day. He sacrifices so that the girls and I have what we want and need. But this one thing is just a bit out of his reach at this moment.
I realized that I need to learn to be happy where we're at. I need to stop complaining about how much I hate our house. About how badly I want to get wood floors because our carpet is disgusting. About how the tile is cracked everywhere. About how I need new clothes, etc. etc. I know that we can't afford this other doctor at this moment. So I need to stop bringing it up. I need to research and learn as much as I can about my conditions and be my own best advocate. My doctor even told me that patients can become experts on their own conditions and know far more than a doctor. I need to get to that point. I need to be confident in tweaking my meds and demanding what I need to help me.
I couldn't sleep last night. I was up thinking about what to do. I felt horrible for once again bringing something up that I knew the answer to and making my husband fell guilty. I just laid there in bed, staring at the ceiling and I prayed. I prayed a lot. I kept hearing the words wait and trust. My husband never worries. He always trusts that God will provide. The only time it gets to him is when I bring things up over and over. So I'm done. He knows what we need. God knows what we need. So I will wait and trust. And while I'm waiting for it to all work out. I need to remember there is value in suffering. Even if I don't see it in this life, I pray I will see it in the next.
This thyroid insanity has been a lot of suffering. Sometimes I suffer well. Sometimes, not so well. Sometimes I suck it up because I may feel awful, but I have a family to take care of. Sometimes I don't do well and it's all I can do to hold it together throughout the day without snapping at my kids and my husband.
I keep thinking about this doctor in another state who has been highly recommended to me. I'm fairly certain he could help me. While my doctor was willing to give me one of the medications I need yesterday, he is not extremely knowledgeable on the subject, so I will be on my own a bit to do the tweaking. And then there is the other medication I need. I have yet to get that one from him. The problem with this other doctor? He is many, many states away. Plane tickets aren't cheap. I have two small children. And I have a husband who doesn't get much vacation time at all. The logistics of making it work are hard. Coming up with the money to go seems damn near impossible right now.
I've talked to K about it numerous times. He, more than anyone, probably even more than me, wants me to feel better, to be healthy. We have gone over ways to make it work. But we always come up short. Something always happens. We still have medical bills from Mary-Grace's hospital stay that we need to pay. With this new baby, we are now going to have to pay our $6000 deductible to our midwife for his/her birth next year. We get to make payments on this, but they are several hundred dollars a month. And now we have no choice but to get me a new (to me) car. Well, minivan. There is absolutely no way to put 3 carseats in the back of my car. Then there's the little things, I got into an accident a month ago, $500 deductible. Our garage door broke the other day and I was trapped, couldn't even open the thing manually. There goes another $250. We are already very much month to month. We're house poor. We made a very bad decision and purchased our house right before the recession. We were given a loan that we certainly couldn't afford and received some extremely bad advice. But it is what it is. We are thankful for a roof over our head.
For a long time I was complaining...a lot. Then last night we discussed it again. I could see the pain on my husbands face. I could see that by constantly bringing it up, despite knowing our current financial situation, was hurting him. He was feeling like a failure. Like he couldn't provide enough for his family. That hurt. He works so incredibly hard. He is gone for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week working to support his family. He gets home every night just in time to have dinner with us and put the girls to bed. Then he helps me where I fall short during the day. He sacrifices so that the girls and I have what we want and need. But this one thing is just a bit out of his reach at this moment.
I realized that I need to learn to be happy where we're at. I need to stop complaining about how much I hate our house. About how badly I want to get wood floors because our carpet is disgusting. About how the tile is cracked everywhere. About how I need new clothes, etc. etc. I know that we can't afford this other doctor at this moment. So I need to stop bringing it up. I need to research and learn as much as I can about my conditions and be my own best advocate. My doctor even told me that patients can become experts on their own conditions and know far more than a doctor. I need to get to that point. I need to be confident in tweaking my meds and demanding what I need to help me.
I couldn't sleep last night. I was up thinking about what to do. I felt horrible for once again bringing something up that I knew the answer to and making my husband fell guilty. I just laid there in bed, staring at the ceiling and I prayed. I prayed a lot. I kept hearing the words wait and trust. My husband never worries. He always trusts that God will provide. The only time it gets to him is when I bring things up over and over. So I'm done. He knows what we need. God knows what we need. So I will wait and trust. And while I'm waiting for it to all work out. I need to remember there is value in suffering. Even if I don't see it in this life, I pray I will see it in the next.
