Bad Days

I'd like to say that on the outside I'm a realist.  I'm not overly optimistic and I'm not overly pessimistic.  I think that I look at things rationally with all of the information and make realistic conclusions and predictions.  I try hard not to sway one way or the other too much.  I don't want to come off as a "Negative Nancy," as my husband would say.  But I also do not want to seem ignorantly optimistic.

On the inside however I feel like I have two very dominant view points and they are battling to see which one will win.  I don't feel like this when it come to everything.  Some feelings and opinions are no brainers.  And let me tell you, I'm one opinionated chick!  But then there are the tough things, the things that I don't know what to think about.  The things that tug at every piece of my soul.  Infertility is one of those thing.  I can often see the light.  I can imagine that one day all of this will end and dh and I will have a little baby of our own.  But at the same time I can feel very hopeless.  I can feel like this is never going to stop and that they will never be able to fix me.

Unfortunately, I feel like the hopeless side of me is taking over more often than not.  Sure there are good days.  There are days when I can talk about my infertility and not get angry or sad...or be embarrassed (Is anyone else sometimes embarrassed by IF?).  There have on occasion been times when I can see a pregnant woman my age or a new little baby and not want to burst into tears.  There have even been some times that people have asked me when I am going to start having a family that I've been able to smile and just say "One of these days" and not feel like my heart was being ripped out.

But those days are becoming few and far between.  The last few weeks have been really tough.  Yesterday was especially hard...and today doesn't seem like it's getting any better.  I can't pinpoint anything in particular that has sent me into this sudden depression.  I think it's just a combination of things.  I feel like this is never going to end.  I feel like Dr. G is never going to give us the green light to actually ttc.  I'm sick of this avoiding crap!  We are on our 11th cycle of avoiding.  Eleven!  That is almost a whole year of avoiding a pregnancy when dh and I want nothing more than to have a baby.  I understand that Dr. G has our best interests in mind and just wants me to be healthy but I'm over it.  I don't care anymore.  I'm tired of feeling like I have no control over this.  If I want to ttc a baby why shouldn't I?  My last two cycles have been almost text book with the exception of one day of tebb two cycles ago.  And that one day of tebb wasn't even a day...I noticed it one time in the morning and then nothing for the rest of the day.  It was so faint I almost didn't chart it.  So what's the hold up.  This is what we've been working towards.  My cycles have improved so much I am having trouble believing it.  I went from a period lasting 15 days to one that last for 6-7 with absolutely no brown bleeding.  That's a miracle in my book.

Then there's the issue of Mother's Day.  I have dreaded Mother's Day since I was 6 years old.  That's the year my mom abandoned my two little sisters and I.  She and my father got divorced and that was it.  She decided she didn't want to be a mom anymore.  And while I am very thankful to have an amazing father who did a great job of playing both rolls and an amazing grandmother (paternal, when my mom left the whole family pretty much dissappered) who helped fill the role it is not the same.  Mother's Day has always been a reminder that I do not have a mother.  And now it is a reminder that I am not a mother myself.  DH and I will be out of town this year on Mother's Day.  We are going to NC for a wedding and will actually be making the 12 hour drive home on that day.  The sad thing is that I'm actually glad we will be gone.  That makes me feel guilty because it's a day I always try to spend with my Nana.  But at the same time I'm glad I won't have to sit around and make small talk with family.  I'm glad I won't have to listen to my very fertile sister talk about the stress of motherhood.  And I'm really glad not to have to discuss my infertility on a day that is hard enough for me as it is.  I joked with dh last night that we should get a dispensation for Mass that day...ok, maybe I was only half joking.  I'm happy that I won't have to sit in our usual pew at our parish and watch all the mother's stand up for their blessing while wondering what they think of dh and I.  But I'm still going to have to attend Mass somewhere.  And wherever that somewhere is they are going to do that same blessing.  I'm really going to try hard not to cry through the entire Mass.

I was thinking last night.  I'm going to be 28 in 8 months.  I never thought I'd make it to 28 without having a baby.  I honestly thought I'd have a few by now.  I will now be at least 28 before I have a little one.  But honestly, I'm not holding my breath.  I have a feeling I could be saying this two years from now.  I never thought I'd be looking at 30 and childless.

DH and I will be married 4 years this October.  Never thought we'd see that anniversary without children.

I know that it could be worse.  I know that there are plenty of women out there that have been trying for much longer.  I can't imagine their pain.  I just want the opportunity to actually try.  How will we ever know if this is all working if we don't try?

I've said it before, patience is not one of my virtues.  But, I think 11 months of avoiding gives me the right to start getting a little frustrated.  I've been patient for 11 month.  I'm done with patience.

WooHoo!!!

This post is going to be quick because DH and I are going out with the neighbors in a hour and I need a serious shower.  But Holy Moly!  I actually had a completely normal start to my cycle.  For the first time since I can remember I had no brown bleeding.  No premenstrual and no TEBB.  Woot!  Instead of the wonky 15 days of bleeding I only had 7.  Seven?  Isn't that in like the normal range?  PTL!  And to make things even better I had very minimal pain.  Extremely minimal.  The first 3 days I was a little crampy in the morning but I took two Ale.ve and didn't need anymore for the rest of the day.  I email Dr. G.  Hopefully this is what she needed to see in order for us to get the green light to start trying again.  Woohoo!  I am so excited!  I'm thinking HCG and Nalt.rexone was what my body seemed to need.

Oh...and for those of you who were wanting to know the answer to the question in my previous post about drinking while taking Nalt.rexone.  Dr. G said there is no info on it but she wouldn't drink often and limit to a glass of wine or so.  She said if it did cause a reaction it wouldn't be pretty.  I'm good with that.

Infertility Made Me Love My Husband More!

On the day I married my husband I thought that there was no way that I could possibly love him any more that I did on that day.  My heart was so filled with love and joy.  After 5 years of dating (I was still in high school when we met) I was finally marrying the man that I knew God had planned for me.  I couldn't contain my emotions.  I never got nervous.  The morning of our wedding I woke up to my two sister and two best friends.  I could feel them staring at me as I fixed myself breakfast.  When I turned around they asked if I was ok.  "Of course!" I said.  They looked at me very strangely and asked if I knew what day it was.  "October 21st" I said kind of questioningly.  "Do you know what you are doing today?" my sister asked.  "Um yeah. I'm getting married today!" I said.  They just kept staring at me.  I guess they expected me to wake up and freak out.  I never freaked out.  I was so excited I could not wait.  I felt like it would take forever for 2:30 to arrive.  I danced around my house all morning and couldn't stop smiling.  When 2:30 finally arrived I was moved to tears.  Yes some of those tears were sad, more like bittersweat.  My dad was brought to tears and that was hard for me to see.  But seeing the man that God intended for me standing at the end of that isle was so amazing that tears of happiness and joy just streamed down my face.  I was happier than I ever could have imagined I would be.  The thought of being any happier or loving my husband anymore was way to much to try to wrap my mind or my heart around.  I thought there was no way it was possible.

Three and a half years later I can definitely say that I love my husband so much more than I did on that day.  Our cross of infertility has brought us so much closer and brought us so much more love than I ever could have imagined.  Sure there is a lot of hurt and pain.  And there certainly are days when I wake up and hope that this is all a bad dream and this is not something we have to endure.  There are many days when I am angry, angry at life, angry at my body, angry with God.  There are times when I pity myself and ask why me.  There are countless days when I feel hopeless.  Days when I feel like the world and God are out to get me.  And nearly everyday I feel guilt.  Guilt that maybe this is my fault, that I did something to cause it.  That I may never be able to give my husband a child.  There are so many days when the pain is almost unbearable.  But there are never days that I do not feel love.  My husband has to be one of the most amazing husbands around.  He is always there when I need to scream or cry or complain.  He listens with such and open ear and tries really hard not to give unsolicited advice.  He knows that what I need at that very moment is just someone to talk to, not someone to tell me that I need to relax and not worry.  He keeps me grounded and focused.  And without realizing it he reminds me every day of God's love.

Last June is when we really delved into this infertility journey full steam ahead.  And since that time we have become so much closer.  I have always referred to dh as my best friend.  But now more than ever I really do believe that is true.  Infertility has lead us to such a deeper understanding of each other.  This is something that we must face together and because of that we have been drawn closer.  Without him I know there is no way I could do it.  I have realized how much I need him.  I have realized what an amazing man he is.  He is truly what I believe a man is supposed to be.  He is the spiritual head of our household and wants nothing more than to take care of and provide for his family.  Even if that family only consists of the two of us.

I never thought there would come a day when dh and I would have to discuss the inner working of our intimate life with doctors.  I never thought there would come a day when dh would know my cycles as well or better than I do.  I never thought there would come a day when dh and I would discuss my cm and all it's colors and textures and stretchiness.  And I certainly never thought there would come a day when I would allow dh to insert a very long needle into my bum on a regular basis to administer various hormones.  But I am thankful for all of that.  Because all of that has brought us so much closer together.  It has made me love and appreciate my husband more than ever.  And for that I thank God.

I'm back!

I'm back.  DH and I took a much needed trip to a cabin in Georgia last week.  I was off for Spring Break and we realized we had not been on a vacation in nearly two years.  YUCK!  I need time away.  Time to rest, rejuvenate, and just forget about real life for a while.  I think we all need that from time to time.  These last two years have been absolutely insane!  The last couple of months a work have been even beyond that.  I can't even begin to describe the drama here.  That would take a whole post on it's own.  And thanks to my little friends HCG and Nalt.rexone my normal 9 day lp went to 12 days so AF didn't arrive in the middle of our trip.  She actually held off until Saturday night about an hour after we got home.  WooHoo!

Thanks for all of your comments on the Nalt.rexone!  So far I'm not really noticing any side effects.  I've had a few pretty vivid dreams but other than that I feel fine.  I'm also not noticing any improvement as far as anxiety or pms go but I'm thinking I need a bit more in my system.  I've only been taking it for a few weeks now and I'm only taking 3mg a day.  If I remember correctly that can be upped?  Right?

So, I know that with the Nalt.rexone you cannot take certain prescribed pain meds but I couldn't find any info regarding alcohol.  I know that the drug is given to alcoholics so I was wondering if drinking would make me sick.  I don't drink often at all...and when I do it isn't usually much.  But I was wondering if it was ok.  I don't want to end up super sick.  While were were in Georgia we went to a wine tasting and I was so terrified.  I only took a small sip of the wines that were poured and I was paranoid that I was going to regret it.  I turned out to be fine but I really barely had a toltal of 1 glass.  I don't want to push my luck...especially when my dose is increased.  Any experience with this?

Hope you all have a fabulous Monday!  My countdown to summer begins today.  :)

Easter and Naltrexone

What a beautiful Easter Weekend!  Absolutely beautiful!  After a very strange and unusual winter here in Florida it was nice to have some warm sunny weather!  DH and I went to the Vigil Mass on Saturday...I have never gone to it before.  Can I just say it was amazing!  I had goose bumps the whole time.  I felt the presence of God more than I have in a while.  I can't even begin to put in into words...amazing is the only one I can come up with.  I was just speechless.

Sunday we went to some property that my family owns that's about an hour away.  We go every year for Easter and have for about 70 years.  It's always a lot of fun.  I really am blessed with a wonderful family.  We always do a big egg hunt in the woods for the kids.  Children really do make holidays extra special.  I loved hiding the eggs for them and then watching their faces light up as they run to find them.  I did have a few moments where I thought I would break down.  There were several distant family members there that I only see on Easter.  I of course got a thousand questions about why I don't have children...or when I'm going to have them.  I had to sit there and listen to my sister and cousins trade mommy secrets.  I've been extra tired lately because I've had some serious insomnia for about a week.  Someone asked me what was wrong and I said "Nothing, I'm just really tired."  To which I got the reply, "Just wait until you have kids...you have no idea what tired really is."  I was too tired to get angry.  I just walked away and tried not to show that the tears were coming.  I knew I was just being extra emotional because of the exhaustion.  Sometimes I think I should just tell everyone and maybe I could avoid things like that.  But then again I've had people who know say some pretty hurtful things.  I guess it just goes with the territory.  Thick skin is definitely something I need to develope.

So I have some questions about Naltr.exone.  Dr. G is starting me on LDN as soon as I get it in the mail.  Have any of you taken it?  Have you had good results?  Any side effects?  Does it help pain at all?  I actually asked Dr. G about it myself.  I was researching and came across quite a bit of info about it.  I called and asked her what she though and she said that was what she was going to suggest.  I'm still going to take the hcg because that really helped with the brown bleeding and the migraines, but I need something for the mood swings, chronic anxiety and, chronic fatigue.  I really have hope that this will work!  It just has too.  Dr. G said that if all goes well the next two cycles DH and I can finally start trying to achieve again.  WOOOHOOO! I was really hoping she would say that we could start trying now but I'll take what I can get at this point. That will put us at nearly a year of avoiding.  I can't even begin to describe how awful it is to avoid for that long when you want nothing more than to achieve.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much but I can't help it.  The idea of it just makes me so excited...but a little nervous too.  Is that strange?  We want nothing more than to have a baby...and the ability to actually try again is just in our reach...and I'm nervous.  We tried for a long time on our own and that didn't make me nervous at all.  Now we finally have the info we need and I'm freaking out.  That's just like me...anxiety taking over.  I'm a nutcase!  Hopefully this Naltr.exone will fix that little problem.

I have been feeling pretty good lately.  I've felt optimistic and happy.  My cycle started unlike it ever has before...not brown bleeding.  Woohoo!  Yay for progress.  I had minimal pain...it got pretty bad for about an hour on day 3 but nothing a little ale.ve won't cure.  I didn't even realize that hcg would help with pain.  Then today...CD7...I thought it was over...I only had light spotting yesterday (and not the icky brown stuff :) ).  But no...today starts the tebb.  I thought for sure this cycle was going to be different.  It started off so promising.  I know it was only my first cycle on hcg but I had such hope.  Silly infertile...I should know better than to get my hopes up like that.

Over the last few days I actually let myself calculate when my baby would be due if Dr. G gave us the go ahead to try again this cycle and I actually got pregnant the first try.  I actually let myself think about how wonderful it would be to start 2011 with a new life.  Why I let myself do that I'm not really sure.  I used to do that a lot in the beginning...before I knew of the road I would be traveling.  You would think I would have given that up by now.  But I can't help it.  I guess deep down I'm not really the "Negative Nancy" dh says I am. :) I really am an optimist...I just wish I would be a little smarter.  It hurts to be let down over and over.  And to think...this is the time when Dr. G has us avoiding.  It's getting me this down.  I think I may lose it when she gives us the all clear and I get that first negative test.  I've got to learn to be a little more tough.  Thick skin is not something I have.

I've been trying to be more open about my IF.  I feel like has been such a hush hush issue.  I started thinking about it and that's really silly.  The reason it is so tabu in the community is because we feel like we can't talk about it.  My family found out last Thanksgiving...and my two best girlfriends found out not long after.  DH's family has slowly been finding out as well as some of his friends.  I thought that by our secret being out there I would feel less alone but I don't.  Now I just feel like either people are talking about me or they don't understand...or even worse, they don't understand what the big deal is.  It's frustrating to say the least.  I can't think of anyone that I know IRL that has suffered from infertility.  My grandmother did go into and complete menopause at the ripe old age of 32...but she already had three children by then.  My grandmother and my sisters try really hard to be supportive.  I am blessed to have them.  But they don't get it.  And I don't really expect them to.  DH's family...one aunt in particular has been great.  Although I don't see her often, she was the first to find out.  She said something jokingly at a party and I burst into tears.  I guess I kinda outed myself there.  She has since added me to her alarm on her computer.  She said it goes off every morning at 8am and she is reminded to pray for dh and I.  I feel so very blessed to have her.  I'm not sure about the rest of them though.  I just don't think they understand. DH's friends are all having babies so we just get the constant questions about why we haven't had any.  DH has finally spilled the beans to them and for some reason I now feel like a lepor around them.  As for my friends.  I've got two girlfriends who I consider to be sisters...however, we just aren't at the same place in our lives.  One is married and has been for about 7 1/2 years...but she doesn't know that she ever wants to have children.  The other isn't married and when she is I don't think she really desires them either.  So the fact that I'm all upset about the possibility of not having any is totally foreign to them.  I do have dh, and he is amazingly supportive...but it would be nice to have someone else sometimes.  Someone who isn't "involved."

I do have a question though for any of you who have taken hcg.  Did you notice that while you were taking it you became super edgy?  I tend to get pretty moody post peak but holy cow!  My poor dh!  I was absolutely insane beyond belief.  I knew I was being ridiculous but I just couldn't seem to stop myself.  Is this common?  Or maybe it was just a coincidence.

Feeling Much Better

So I feel a bit better after my ranting yesterday.  I don't know what my deal is post peak but I turn into something else...something not human.  And the weird thing is that I flip like a switch between raging anger and crying over the strangest things.  I will literally cry over spilled milk.  I will also bite DH's head off for telling me I look beuatiful.  And the even more bizare thing is that the whole time I'm flipping out I know that it's completely ridiculous, I just can't seem to stop myself.  I'm telling you, I think my dh is a saint in disguise.  I can't believe he puts up with me.  It must feel like he's living in an asylum sometimes.

I'm happy to report that my mood is much much better today...even despite the fact that yesterday was CD1.  Not that CD1 was a surprise.  We are still avoiding you know.  But...for the first time ever I had red spotting and not brown!  Woohoo for progress!  I typically have 5 days of brown spotting before AF and 5 days of tebb.  Dr. G doesn't like that at all.  That seems to be her biggest concern right now.  So anyhoo...I'm hoping that the non-brown stuff keeps up!  Maybe I won't have any tebb either.  It would be so totally awesome if the hcg worked on the first round.  Then maybe, just maybe, Dr. G would let us try this cycle.  That would be just too freakin' cool!  Not going to get my hopes up though.  Dr. G does seem to be really cautious.  I could definitely see her wanting us to wait it out one more cycle.  Oh oh oh...and more totally awesome cycle news.  I'm not having terriblehorriblenogoodverybadday cramping.  Over the last few days I've had some twinges here and there that come and go.  But nothing that even warented and al.eve.  I know I haven't gotten into the heavy stuff yet (that's when the cramps from hell creep in) but this cycle just feels different.  I didn't know that hcg could help with the cramps.  I'm loving this stuff!  And to make it even better, I haven't had one headache or migraine since P+5 which is when I took the first injection.  I'm praying this stuff is my answer.  Yay! Yay! Yay, for progress!