Cycle Wonky-ness

It's been awhile hasn't it.  Things have been BUSY lately!  The school year is almost over though so hopefully things will sloooooow down.  I'm exhausted!  I need one heck of a summer break.  I think I'm way more ready for this than the kids are. :)

So I'm having a bit of a wonky mid cycle and I just don't know what to make of it.  My cycles are fairly predictable.  Five days of bleeding followed by just a few "green" days then right into "white" days.  There's usually about 7 or so of those then we move into 12-13 post peak green days.  Um this cycle is being a little strange.  My first 3 white days were pretty poor quality (6-8c ad), which is actually pretty typical. Then I had a better day, 8kl x3.  Then I had a GREAT day, 10kl ad, and I do mean all day sorry TMI).  This is also typical.  However...what is not typical is that after that great day of 10kl ad it's gone downhill fast.  I usually have about 3 days of 10kl but I only had the one.  The last 2 days have been a 8c x2 and a 6c x1.  Then the really weird thing was first thing this morning there was the slightest pink tinge (not pink cm, just pink on the tp).  I almost didn't notice it.  I have never ever ever had mid cycle spotting.  I used to have tebb and some brown bleeding a few days before af but not since I started HCG.  Besides, it has never been mid cycle like this and never pink.  I have no clue what to think.

I am refusing to let my mind wonder over to implantation bleeding.  I refuse!  Ok, maybe I did let my mind go there since I'm writing about it...but I don't want to go there.  That is completely not logical.  It would be way too soon for implantation bleeding.  Doesn't it take like 5 or so days for that?  So unless I ovulated on one of my first "white" days that is not even possible.  So since it's not possible we are going to move on.  :o)

So what could it be?  Bleeding from ovulation?  Does that happen?  I haven't experienced it but anything is possible right?

Maybe I'm just crazy.  Maybe it wasn't really there.  Maybe my sleepy eyes were playing tricks on me.

I want to be pregnant so badly that maybe I'm making myself see things to get my hopes us.  I hope my mind isn't that cruel!

MIA

I've been MIA for a couple of days.  Things have been really stressful and really busy.

On Monday I went to see my Nana (she was released from the hospital on Saturday).  She look terrible.  Not responsive and totally out of it.  I don't think she even knew I was there.   It's hard because 2 weeks ago I was over there and she was totally fine.  My grandfather ended up having to call 911 again that night.  She's been in ICU ever since.  I went to see her yesterday and she looked much much better.  They are hoping that she can get out of ICU by Sunday and moved into a regular room.  They are still bringing hospice in though.  Apparently her kidneys were shutting down.  The doctor thinks that because she had not had anything to eat or drink for over a week (from being so sick), and continuing to take all of her meds (she takes A LOT!) her kidneys went into overdrive and couldn't function.  I was happy to see that she was feeling pretty good, or at least as good as can be expected, yesterday.  She was being her usual sassy self so I know she must be feeling a bit better.  If you can continue to pray for her recovery I know my family would greatly appreciate it.

On some more positive notes (I need to get myself out of the "funk" so I'm going to talk about happier things)...

Have any of you heard of the book Discovering The Feminine Genius: Every Woman's Journey by Katrina Zeno?  DH came across it...I think he heard about it on Catholic Answers Live.  It got really good reviews so I'm hoping it's good.  I love to read but I get really bored with self-help, how to live your life kinda books and supposedly this is more in story format.  We'll see...

School is out in 12.5 working days!  Woohoo!  I have never been so happy for a school year to end in my life.  I think I'm even more excited then I was when I was the one actually in school.  This has been to longest most stressful school year yet.  I was beginning to think I might not make it without having to be put on the funny farm.  Fortunately the end is in sight!  This will be the first year I'm not working in the summer.  I am sooooooo excited!  I have about 1,000 projects planned to keep me busy.  My house is going to finally get some attention.

I'm a bit afraid that come August I'm not going to want to come back.  I feel with every fiber of my being that I am called to be at home.  I feel like I'm just working to pass the time.  I know that sounds terrible, and I do love what I do, but I would much rather be at home.  I hate that I can't devote the attention I want to my house and my husband.  I feel such an internal struggle.  DH wishes I could stay home too.  I feel guilty talking about it with him because I know he feels bad.  Unfortunately with the economy we need my income.  In our plans it wasn't supposed to be this way.  But then again those were our plans and obviously not God's.  Maybe this summer he will get a raise...or maybe we'll hit the lottery!  :)

I think I've talked DH into getting a friend for little Oscar Dog.  :)  I've always had dogs...for as long as I can remember...and I've always had at least two.  When DH and I got married it was the first time I had ever not had a dog.  I begged and begged and begged.  But unfortunately DH had never had a pet at all.  He comes from a non animal loving family.  I mean seriously non animal loving!  After about 14 months of begging DH (this is just the first 14 months we were married...I do recall beginning the begging before then...I knew it would take awhile) he finally caved and we got Oscar.  He has grown to love that silly little dog as much as I do.  So, after about 6 months of having him I started planting the seed that maybe we needed another one.  Dogs are pack animals you know?  They are much happier when they have a friend. :)  And I think he finally sees it my way. :)  I'm hoping to go look this weekend at the SPCA and the Humane Society.  We do want another dachshund though.  I just love those little guys.  Such personalities!

Look at this little guy!  Isn't he just too cute!

Prayers For Nana Again

I just received a call from my sister who just talked to my grandfather and he told her that they are now putting Nana in Hospice.  She was released from the hospital on Saturday but it appears that they may be admitting her again.  I'm not sure exactly what to think.  She was put in Hospice about 2 years ago and after about 6 months the actually released her from the program because she was doing so good.  I have a feeling it is different this time.  She doesn't seem to have the will.  I worry.  I know it's seems selfish but I need her here.  I don't have a mother, she's the closest thing I have.  I need her to help me through all of this IF stuff.  She's the only one who is so understanding and supportive.  I'm sad because I am worried that I may to have a baby while she is still here.  I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head.  I feel like so many parts of my life are falling apart around me.  To make it even better I'm home alone.  DH is at a baseball game and probably won't be home until midnight or so.  I just need a hug.

If you can, please say a prayer for my Nana...and for my family too.

My Morning Surprise

Today is CD1.  I told myself that I wouldn't get upset.  I told myself it was silly to think that after all of those months of avoiding because they said we had to, because they said it wasn't safe to get pregnant, that I'd get pregnant on the first try.  I knew that was silly.  But I did it anyway.  I let optimism creep in and now I'm really down.  I knew AF was on her way.  I could feel it last Wednesday.  I new she was sneaking up.  But when P+13 came and went yesterday and my PMS symptoms subsided I allowed my hopes to rise again.  I've never made it past P+12.  Never.  And I know 13 is just one more day but considering that my lp used to be 8 or so it's really strange to go to 13.  Even with the HCG I've never gone that far.  So needless to say AF was not welcome when I found her at 5am this morning.

It's raining outside.  It's really cloudy and dreary and humid.  It's not helping my mood.  It just looks sad outside.  I would love nothing more than to just go home and curl up in bed with my little Oscar Dog and sleep.  CD1 always brings tears for me.  Even when we were avoiding.  I guess it's the hormone change...and the overall just not feeling good.  I haven't even told DH yet.  I just didn't feel like talking about it this morning.  I know how bad he wants children.  The family who received the Elijah Cup last night at Mass had 9 children.  NINE!  DH just looked at me and smiled.  He said "that would be so nice."  I know he wasn't saying that to make me feel bad but it hurt.  I got this overwhelming feeling of guilt.  I would love nothing more than to have children with DH.  And nine would be wonderful!  There is just something so magical about a baby.  It's such a physical representation of two peoples love for each other.  I want that.  I want that more than anything.

This-N-That

Thank you all so much for your prayers for my Nana.  She is doing much better!  She has gotten up to move around today and we are hoping the doctor is going to let her go home either today or tomorrow.  Woohoo!

So it's been awhile since I've had a pregnancy dream.  I had them all the time when DH and I were ttc on our own.  Then when we started charting with Creighton and were put on the never ending avoiding thing they went away.  Well now that we're trying again I guess they've decided to come back.  Oh what joy!  Have I ever mentioned how I'm impatient?  Well I am.  So I tend to dwell.  And seeing how I'm on p+ 10 today and p+12 is just around the corner and I'm really hoping to pass p+12 for the first time in my life...I'm dreaming about it.

This particular dream was actually pretty funny.  Of all of my pregnancy dreams, I've never dreamed about actually p-ing oas.  I just dream that I'm pregnant.  Well last night I had a dream that I was going to poas but totally missed it.  I was irritated and just tossed the test into the toilet.  They all of a sudden it started flashing bright pink (picture a pink strobe light).  My friend who was standing next to me (apparently I was letting her watch me do this) started screaming "Oh my gosh!  You're pregnant!  You're so pregnant the test still worked with all that water diluting it!"  Then she screamed "Look it's flashing pink!  You're having a girl!  Let's go shopping!"  I woke up laughing!  It is so much like my friend to immediately want to go shopping for girl stuff.  I have always thought that if I had girls she would see to it that I had the best dressed little girl.

So I called said friend this morning to tell her my ridiculous dream.  She laughed and then told me that she also had a dream last night that I was pregnant.  Seriously?  How insane is that?

I'm by no means reading into this dream thing.  I'm fairly certain that I'm not pregnant.  I've definitely got all the signs that CD1 is right around the corner.  I'm feeling pretty crappy to be honest.  I would just like infertility to stop invading my dreams...and my friend's dreams for that matter.

So my nephew turns two today.  I love that little guy so much!  I got to be in the delivery room and everything the day he was born.  It was the most amazing experience ever!  I can't believe how fast he is growing up.  His older brother is now 5 1/2.  I'm feeling old.  My little sister is apparently very fertile.  Neither one of them took any effort.  Who am I kidding?  They were both total surprises.  I try not to be jealous.  But it does creep in every now and then.  But then I look at them and my heart is just filled with so much love.  DH and I are going to be keeping both of them over night on June 4th.  I can't wait.  It's rare that we get both of them at the same time.  DH can't wait.  Watching him with the two of them just melts my heart.

So DH is finally going to get an SA done.  I'm not sure why Dr. G hasn't really mentioned it.  I decided to go ahead and ask her about it.  I figured I don't want to be spinning my wheels if there's a problem on his end too.  I have to admit.  I'm a little nervous about it.  I read awhile back that Accu.tane can cause low sperm count.  DH took the stuff when he was a teenager.  I don't know if this is actually true but I do worry about it.

Does anyone know where you order the kits to do the SA?  Is it difficult to find somewhere that will take it?  I'm sure when you call most of them think you are crazy.  The closest place to us is over an hour away so I'm guessing we're going to have to get a hotel room.  Scandalous!  :) Should be interesting.  :)

Update on Nana and Some Other Stuff

Thank you all so much for your prayers for my Nana.  I know she can feel them.

I went to see her in the hospital last night and it wasn't good.  I've never seen her like that before and it broke my heart.  My grandmother does have some health issues but they are all physical.  Mentally she is totally with it.  However last night she was not.  She had an extremely high fever and they believe she has pneumonia.  She also had a very irregular heart beat that was really fast.  Combine that with all of her other health concerns (diabetes, copd, chf) and it was not good.  I have never seen her the way she looked yesterday.  She was very confused and combative.  My aunt did call me today to say that she was doing much much better and has no memory of yesterday.  They are not releasing her because she is still having the rapid irregular heart beat.  So you if you could still pray for that I would be so greatfull!

So in cycle news...

I took my last hcg shot yesterday on p+9.  Since starting the hcg I have been having a 12 day lp.  That's actually the longest lp I've ever had...EVER!  So that means CD1 should be on Sunday.  I'm not holding my breath that it won't show up.  We had great timing but thinking that this would work on the first cycle trying after that ridiculously long break just seems silly.  I'm not saying that I have lost complete hope...I'm just trying to be a bit realistic.  I need to be for my sanity.  Besides...I'm already starting to get my usual mild cramping that I get about 3 days before CD1.  I can feel it coming.

I've decided that I won't let it get me down if I'm not pregnant this cycle.  I refuse! If I learned anything since I started this Creighton and Napro thing it's that I've got to be patient.  Patient is not a virtue of mine.  This is something that God is teaching me every single day.  I'm really working hard on it...but it's very difficult.

I found this prayer for patience I though I would share.

~ A Prayer For Patience ~

God, teach me to be patient, teach me to go slow,
Teach me how to wait on You when my way I do not know.

Teach me sweet forbearance when things do not go right
So I remain unruffled when others grow uptight.

Teach me how to quiet my racing, rising heart
So I might hear the answer You are trying to impart.

Teach me to let go, dear God, and pray undisturbed until
My heart is filled with inner peace and I learn to know your will.

~Helen Steiner Rice~

 

Please Pray

I'm asking all of you for some prayers.  My grandmother just had to be taken to the hospital.  As I've mentioned before I was not raised with my mother and my Nana has more than stepped in to take on that role.  We are not 100% sure what is wrong yet but she has been in poor health for several years.  Please pray for her strength and for wisdom for the doctors.  Thank you so much!