*Update* I Really Need Some Prayers!!!

I had planned on writing a post today about how great my doctors appointment went on Thursday and showing you some pictures of sweet pea. The appointment did go well, and I do have pictures, but that all changed last night. My doctor told me when I left Thursday afternoon that my cervix was really sensitive which isn't uncommon. She said that because of the pap she did I may have some spotting and not to panic. Well I figured the spotting would come that afternoon or maybe Friday morning. Instead I started spotting last night. Then the spotting got a little heavier. I prayed like I've never prayed before. Then this morning at about 4am I passed a clot. It was small but it was definitely a clot. Then I cried. I woke dh up and he cried too. I just know something is terribly wrong. Right now I am waiting for the doctor to call me back and dh is praying the rosary. If you could spare some prayers for us and little sweet pea I would really appreciate it. I'm at a loss right now and don't know what to do.

UPDATE:
I spoke with one of the doctors at the practice I go do. I must say she was less than helpful. Anyhow, she agreed that the bleeding more than likely had nothing to do with the pap. She just told me to get some rest and stay off my feet this weekend. She said if it gets worse to call on Monday and make another appointment for an ultrasound. I guess I kinda expected more from her even though I know there is nothing she can do. This early in the game it is totally in God's hands. There is nothing they can do for me if I begin to miscarry.

Fortunately to spotting has seemed to stop and the only clot was the one at 4am. I'm praying that it does not return and that everything is ok. I usually do my poi injections at night and I'm due for one today. I had dh go ahead and give it to me this morning. I'm not sure that that will actually help anything but at least I felt like I was doing something. I forgot to call ppvi yesterday to get my progesterone results. I'm going to call on Monday and maybe ask if I need some more supplementation. Anything to keep sweet pea growing!

Thank you all so much for all of your prayers! It means so much to me and to little sweet pea. :) I will keep you updated if anything changes.

Mush, Ick, and Feeling Blah

My brain has turned to mush.  I have to admit that I thought pregnancy brain couldn't possible be that bad.  I was wrong.  I have no clue what's going on up there in my head.  I am having difficulty formulating a sentence or remembering my name let alone writing an entire post.  This post is sure to be all over the place and probably not too upbeat.  I apologize now.  If you don't like randomness I would just stop reading now.  Ok?  I warned you. :)

I'm 7 weeks today and the "ick," as I like to call it, has set in full force.  Oh my gosh I feel like poo!  I feel like I'm trapped in a vicious cycle.  I have to eat because of the unbelievable hunger that makes me want to vomit or climb walls.  But then when I eat I struggle to keep it down.  I often fail at the last task.  I found myself lying on the floor of the bathroom this morning.  I was too exhausted to keep running back and forth from my bed to the toilet so I made the floor my new home.  I know it sounds gross but it made perfect since at the time.  In the brief reprieves I have, I am thankful for the nausea because it reassures me that my body is doing it's job and there really is a baby in there. But in the moments that everything wants to come up I have to admit I am not so thankful.  It's hard to be thankful when your insides hurt from dry heaving all day.  I try hard as I might though to offer it up for my prayer buddy.

I'm exhausted.  I have never in my life been this tired.  Most days I barely make it off my couch.  I hate it!  This is the one thing I can't stand.  I feel so unbelievably lazy that it makes me sick.  I feel guilty too.  DH is at work all day everyday earning a living for me and little sweet pea and I'm at home sitting on my bum.  The house is a disaster and it's everything I have in me to pull some sort of meal together for dinner.  Often he even does the dishes at night.  I feel terrible.  I am constantly apologizing to him.  He is so amazing though.  He tells me not to worry that I am working hard growing our baby.  I love that man!  I am so blessed!

On a happier note.  I have my first prenatal appointment tomorrow.  I am so excited!!!  I have a sono at 10:15 and then I meet with one of the doctors after.  I'm so excited to get to see sweet pea and hear his/her heart beat.  I'm hoping that this will make it all more real.  I still cannot believe this is happening to me.  I am beside myself with amazement.

Getting Involved

DH and I have been talking about getting involved more with our parish for awhile now (yes we discussed this before I had actually converted).  He had always mentioned possibly getting into working with engaged couples.  We have a great program at our parish and Fr. R takes this very very seriously.  I thought this would be fun but felt like maybe we haven't been married long enough (almost 4 years).  DH said it didn't matter.  He said that we have a wonderful marriage (and we do!) and he thinks that we may have a lot to offer.  We have been through a lot in our first 4 years of marriage (not just IF related) and rather than allow the stress of all of the craziness pull us apart we have grown so much closer together.  I actually often think back to our wedding day and think about what a silly little girl I was.  Sure, I loved dh, sure I wanted to marry him, sure I was sure.  But I had no clue!  No clue how much more I would love him (and need him) in the coming years.  And I know our love will only continue to grow.  So anyway, I began to pray about it...a lot.  And I felt like I wasn't really getting anywhere.  I felt like something just wasn't right.  I really didn't think that marriage prep was the way to go but I knew we should do something.

Fast forward to last Sunday night after Mass.  DH and I usually one of the lasts to leave the sanctuary (we actually stay for the last song to be entirely over...it seems like no one else does and we are one of the last standing).  As we are walking out K, the woman who runs Life Teen, stops us and asks if we have ever considered getting involved with the youth.  My face immediately lit up!  I have always wanted to work with a youth group.  The one I belonged to at the church I went to when I was a teen changed my life...and probably saved it too!  In my mind it would sort of be like paying it forward.  Besides, I love kids!  And although my specialty is special needs I think I can adapt.  However, I looked up at dh and he had this sort of deer in headlights look to him.  K encouraged him and told him not to be scared but I could see the fear.  She said she would like to set up a meeting with us if we wanted to and she would talk to us more this Sunday if we were interested.

As we left the vestibule Fr. R was standing outside.  DH and I went up to him because dh wanted to ask him for a blessing for me and for little sweet pea.  DH was telling him a very brief version of our IF story and mentioned that we had actually found out last weekend the weekend of my first Holy Communion.  Fr. R said that he thinks God has special plans for me and for little sweet pea.  :)  He then asked if we had ever considered getting involved in Life Teen.  Haha!  I could help but laugh.  DH asked if he and K had gotten together about this because she just asked us the same question.  He assured us he hadn't.  I could not believe it.  Too funny.

DH and I talked about it a bit more on the way home.  I can tell he is nervous about the idea.  I don't want to pressure him or anything but I sooooo want to do this.  I just think that it would be wonderful and a great way for us to get involved.  I think the high school years are so important.  It is such a difficult time in our lives, especially if we are trying to go against the grain and live out our faith.

DH isn't against it by any means.  He's just unsure.  Underneath his goofy, witty, exterior he really is shy.  I think the silliness is just his way of making himself more comfortable.  I'm just praying.  Praying that he will be clear in his decision and praying that God gives him courage.  I know he can do it...and I know kids would love him.  All of the kids in both of our families do!  He is great with them he just doesn't know it.

On another note.  Kaitlin, I promise I will get my post up about grocery shopping tomorrow. :)  It will take some work but I have saved so much money since I started all of this.  I promise. :)

A New Day

Thank you all for your support yesterday!  I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed...but I feel much better today.  I have faith that this will all work out and God will provide.  I am so fortunate and blessed to be carrying our little sweet pea.  I am not about to let anything dampen my joy and excitement.

So today I am working on being proactive rather than freaking out!

DH called his insurance company.  I am not on his health insurance because it is an HSA.  I wasn't really a fan of them and it's a bit pricey.  He explained the situation and was trying to see if he could get me added.  No such luck.  The woman explained that unless I was dropped from my insurance (which is a private insurance and won't be affected by me resigning) I cannot be added until the open enrollment period in February.  I thought this isn't good.  But then she explained that as long as I am not due until after February 1st (which I'm not) I can still be added then and they would still cover the birth.  Woohoo!  She explained that pregnancy is not considered by them to be a pre-existing condition so there is no problem there.

DH then called my doctor and explained the situation to them.  The insurance coordinator was so sweet and so helpful.  DH said he was so pleasantly surprised.  She explained that I would still have to pay the $3300 by the first of December, however, they do not bill the insurance company until the day after the baby is born.  That means the $3300 goes towards the deductible for the HSA.  Again I say Woohoo!

So even thought we have a large chunk of money to put down by December it is going to help us out for next year.  DH said the deductible for a family on his HSA is $6000.  So with the $3300 we are putting down this year that will be more than half of the deductible for next year and I'm not even on the policy yet.  Once we reach the $6000 our medical coverage is covered 100% for the rest of the year.  So that means that we will only have to pay another $2600 after February and not see another bill until after February 2012.  That is so awesome!

Unfortunately any additional things I have done between now and February will just be out of pocket and not go towards my deductible (bloodwork, my first sono, poi, etc).  But hey, this is looking much better than yesterday.  I am pleased and feel that this is definitely an answer to my prayers.

I know things aren't going to be super easy financially over the next several months.  But that's ok.  Like I told dh last night, I have had less.  DH and I are much more financially secure than I was growing up.  I know what broke looks like and although we will struggle it will be nothing like the struggles I had growing up.

The cable got shut off yesterday only about an hour after DH called.  Those guys work quickly!  I will say I already miss it.  That is really sad if you ask me.  I definitely think I was watching way way too much tv.  My gym membership is gone...but I hadn't been in awhile anyway.  There is a neighborhood pool at the front of our neighborhood and I've got a treadmill I hardly ever use.  I'm going to work on using all of that more often.  I am the coupon queen.  I got hooked on shopping smarter last summer and have since cut our grocery bills by more than half.  There's a method to the madness and I have a whole post about it in the works.

We will be fine.  I just know it. :)

As far as baby news.  I will be weeks tomorrow.  I'm feeling ok...I guess.  I am super exhausted.  Before I was pregnant I was super exhausted all the time and we were getting ready to do some testing to figure out what the problem was.  That has all sort of gone out the window now.  This exhaustion I am feeling is on a level I didn't know was possible.  I am so tired it hurts.  It makes it difficult to breath and it makes me angry.  My poor dh is taking the brunt of it but oh so sweetly. :)  It takes every ounce of energy I have to get out of bed only to make it as far as the couch.  I'm hoping it lets up a little soon.  I have had some waves of icky-ness but nothing too terribly bad.  Praying it stays like that too.

It's funny though...even in the middle of the pain from exhaustion and the ick I find myself so thankful.  So thankful that God has entrusted me with this little life.  I am truly blessed.

Where is my money tree?

I am in desperate need of one!  Does anyone know where I can get one?  The medical bills are already overwhelming me.  Let me break it down for you...

I just resigned from my job.  I know this is going to sound like I'm crazy as I get further into this post but I had good reason.  My job is dangerous.  In the past three years that I have worked with special needs children I have been injured on many many occasions.  I work with a lot of seriously autistic children and many children with serious EMH.  With these things come lots of behavior issues that can come up quickly and without warning.  I have had chairs, desks, and other objects thrown at me.  I have been kicked in the stomach on numerous occasions and had the wind knocked out of me.  Not to mention all the punches, slapps, and bites.  The school that I worked at was extremely small so there was no other position I could take that would keep me away from these situations.  DH and I talked and talked and prayed and prayed and decided that it wasn't worth the risk.  I am relieved to be home but not working brings on a whole lot more stresses.

I have medical insurance but it does not cover maternity.  Oh yippee!  I spoke with my OB the other day when making my appointment and explained that I would be self pay.  She said that I had to pay $3300 by the 1st of December.  This would cover my doctor's visits, one sono (at 20 weeks), delivery of the baby (basically just the doctor catching him/her), and postpartum.  It does not include bloodwork, additional sonograms, urine cultures, or any other tests that I need.  That will all be determined at he time of whatever procedure is done and payment is due at the time of service.  This also does not include anything that involves the hospital.  I'm guessing the hospital will just bill after the fact.  I guess the only good news in all of this is that if heaven forbid some complication arises and I end up in the hospital for some sort of complication or a c-section my medical insurance will pick that up.  Weird though if you ask me.


Then there is PPVI.  My POI is about $54/vial with shipping and needles.  I'm not 100% sure yet but I think 1 vial should get me through 2 weeks.  My blood work for PPVI is $66/test. I get 2 tests done (one for progesterone level and one that tests the health of the placenta) every other week. So we're talking $372/month for all of this fun stuff.

My head is swimming.  I'm so overwhelmed with dollar signs.  I'm trying to have a little faith and trust.  It's funny because most of the time I am totally at peace with it all but if I start thinking too much I get really anxious.  It's not a pleasant feeling.

I was discussing some of this with a friend the other day and she promptly replied "So why did you go and get yourself pregnant if you couldn't afford it." That hurt.  I know this isn't going to be easy.  I know we are going to struggle a bit.  But I'm trying to have faith that this will all work out.  We are obviously doing what we can to cut costs.  We canceled our cable today.  We canceled our gym memberships too.  I'm a super frugal shopper so I will just have to be more strict with that.  I'm going to try meal planning in order to save even more money.  And we are definitely cutting out extras like movies and dinners.  I know it will all be worth it in the end.  It's just stressful to think about right now.

So, does anyone know if there is a cheaper way to get POI?  I get mine from Kub.bats.

DH is being amazing!  He keeps telling me not to worry about anything.  He says my only job is to take care of our sweet pea.  I love that man!  I really do.  He truly is a blessing.

UPDATE...The Wait is Killing Me!

***UPDATE***
Dr. G called!  My HCG was over 1000...so this is really happening!  I AM PREGNANT!  Holy Moly!  I cannot believe it.  She said my progesterone was a bit on the low side...14.2.  I have no clue what that means.  Does anyone know what normal is?  In the excitement of the call I completely forgot to ask her. Seriously, I am freaking out right now!  Praise God!




First...did you see my ticker?  It's over to the left.  I'm 5 weeks today!  I know that isn't very far at all but I think it's exciting.  Look at all of the cool things my baby already has.  My little poppy has a heartbeat, and eye, ear, and limb buds.  That is so cool!

I still haven't heard back from Dr. G on my blood results.  This is killing me!  Who makes an IF girl who never thought she would ever be pregnant wait this long for test results?  Seriously?  This is just crazy.  I'm losing my mind over here.  I want to scream it from the rooftops but dh has convinced me to wait until we get the results back.  It's not that we think it's not real...I know it is.  DH is just a very analytical (he's an engineer) and needs to see it on paper.  I got a bit frustrated with dh last night because I feel like he isn't as excited as I am...or at least he isn't showing it.  He said he's just in shock.  Like me he thought this would never happen.  It took us two years which we both realize is nothing in the IF world.  I'm hoping when he sees it on paper he will perk up a bit.  I'm thinking about going out and getting a USF onsie for him.  Maybe that will help.  We are huge Bulls fans and have season tickets to the football games.  Maybe it will seem more real to him when he realizes that we will have a little one with us for the 2011 season.

So, I'm trying to figure out how to tell our family.  I want to do something fun.  I meant to have someone take a picture of us last Sunday after church.  DH's whole family was there (we're talking 30 people).  My idea was to play off the Mastercard Commercials.  I was going to get one of the double frames with hinges.  I would put the picture of us on one side and a card on the other that said something like this:

Picture Frame - $10

Picture - $0.30

Realizing there are 3 people in this picture - PRICELESS

I just thought it would be cute.  And I think it would be really cool since we knew we were pregnant on that day but no one else did.  But...I never got the picture taken so I'm on to coming up with other ideas.  DH doesn't think his mom would like something cutesy.  She is however really into decorating (her house is AMAZING).  She's been wanting to come over to see the new couch we bought awhile back.  So dh and I were thinking about having them over for dinner and saying something like..."We were hoping you would help us pick out a paint color for the extra room." and then handing her some pink and blue paint chips and then saying "We're going to need help picking out a crib too."  What do you think?  Then for my family I was just going to get some baby picture frames and put something in it that says "Insert Picture of Baby M in March 2011."  I don't know...I'm just not all that creative.

I just hope Dr. G calls me soon.  Patience is something I don't have much of.  I've got to work on that. :)

You Ladies Are Amazing!

My heart is so filled with love, joy and gratitude today.  Thank you all for the amazing spiritual bouquet and the subscription.  I cannot express how honored I am that you all thought of me in this way.  I have prayed so long for true friends, friends with the same beliefs and values.  Friends I could be honest with and bare my soul to.  God has given me that in all of you.  I never thought that I would find these friends through blogs.  To be honest, I used to think blogs were silly and I would never have one.  God really does work in mysterious ways.  :)  The friendships I have found in all of you gives me another reason to be thankful for IF.  And although I would never wish the pain of IF on anyone, I am so happy that we all have used our common cross of infertility to join together in love and support.

JBTC:  The St. Imelda card is perfect!  I am honored that you thought of me to pass it on to.  It means more than I can express to you.

Thank you all again.  You all will always be in my heart and prayers.  I pray that God bestows many blessing upon each of you.