I loved
Sew's post about her mother so I thought I'd
steal barrow her idea. The information I have regarding my mother's side of this story has been told to me by relatives (mostly my grandmother on my father's side). As you'll see later int he story, my mother hasn't been able to share things from her perspective.
My mother was 18 when she found out she was pregnant with me, my father was 19. She told no one she was pregnant, not even my dad. My Nana (dad's mom) suspected that she was and asked both my mom and dad on several occasion. Both of them always told her no. My Nana told me that my mom was gaining weight but not so much in a pregnant way. However, she carried herself in such a way that my Nana had a feeling (my Nana is notorious for her "feelings" that are usually right).
Finally early in November my dad came to my Nana and told her that my mom was pregnant. Nothing prepared for what my dad was about to say next. "She's due next month." my dad said. Nana was shocked! She was obviously upset, but even more so when my dad told her that he didn't even know.
My mother coming from a very strong Southern Baptist family and my Nana being super "old fashioned" as she would say, basically told them they were getting married weather they liked it or not. One week later on November 20th they were married in my great grandmother's backyard.
On December 19th I came into this world.
The marriage my parents had was never a good one. But despite that they had two more children within the following two years. When I was 6 years old they divorced.
Those first 6 years of my life were not easy. My mom suffered from bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia. She was often abusive and had some drug issues. She and my dad fought like crazy. The fights would get so loud I slept with a pillow over my head out of habit until high school.
About a year before they divorced she went into a psychiatric facility. My dad tried desperately to work on their marriage and getting her the help she needed. However, she met someone else while in the hospital and they then divorced.
After the divorce she wasn't around much. The times she wanted to see my sisters and me got fewer and fewer until she just stopped coming around at all. There was a 12 year span where I did not see or here from her at all.
When I was 19 she showed back up very briefly only to disappear again. I saw her once more when I was 22 when she showed up at the hospital when my sister was having her baby (we still have no clue how she found out).
The distance between us now is mostly my doing. For my own health and sanity I cannot have her be a part of my life. Too much has happened and too much happened once I was an adult involving her that I just feel it best to not have her in my life at this time. She was not at my wedding and as far as I know, does not know I am pregnant.
My childhood was very difficult. We had very little money. I saw things no child should ever see. I missed my mom and felt very abandoned by her. However, at no point in my life have I ever wished I wasn't here.
I cannot imagine how scared my mother must have been while pregnant with me. To keep it a secret for 8 months just boggles my mind. How easy it would have been for her to abort me and no one be the wiser. It was definitely legal at the time.
At no point did I think my dad wished I was not here. I cannot even fathom how hard it was for him to raise 3 little girls on his own from the time that they were 6,5 and 4 years old.
I remember when I first found out was abortion was. I think I was in 5th grade or so. I immediately thought of my mother. I realized how easy it would have been for her to have an abortion. I realized that had she done this I would not be here.
My mother in all of her faults still chose life and for that I will forever be thankful.
