One Year

It was this day one year ago that my family gathered around my Nana as we watched pass on to be with Jesus. Leading up to 2011 I felt so much excitement and anticipation. 2011 was the year I would finally meet my daughter. It was to be the year that all of my dreams would come true. But on the very first day of that new year my world came to a screeching stop when I received that phone call telling me that Nana had had a stroke but was refusing to go to the hospital. I wasn't surprised at her refusal. She hadn't been well in years. She was ready to go and I knew the last place she wanted to be was a hospital. I rushed to be with her. I was surprised at how she looked. I expected much worse. She was asleep but as some point had heard that I was there and asked for me. I sat next to her and held her had. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I begged God to heal her. Begged Him! The next day I returned to be by her side. I lay down in bed with her and prayed. She opened her eyes for a brief moment and asked where Mary-Grace was. I told her she was still in my tummy so she was right here with us. She reached over and placed her hand on my belly and fell back asleep. I placed my hand on top of hers and began to sob. I knew at that moment that this was it. I knew she wouldn't make it through this and that she would never meet my baby girl. layer that day I returned to sit with her. She opened her eyes for a second so I told her I loved her. She mumbled that she loved me too. That was the last I heard her speak. I spent the next few days by her side, only going home o sleep. On Thursday night, January 6th, about an hour after I got home, my aunt called to tell me that Nana was passing. K and I jumped in our car and raced to her house. my family and I all sat by her side in her final moments. We cried, we talked to her, we told her it was ok to go. We told her to go on to Heaven and have her reunion with her momma and her brothers. She always talked about having a big family reunion at the gates of Heaven. I remember praying that God would take her quickly in to Heaven. And then she took her last breath - and then I took my prayer back and told God I changed my mind, I wanted her here. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my Nana. Many days there are still tears. I still grieve for her daily. I spoke with a good friend of mine today who lost her father on this same day 2 years ago. She told me that it does eventually begin to get easier. And by easier, she said you just learn to find a new normal. That's what I'm searching for...a new normal. There are many days that I wake up and think that I should go visit Nana today - and then I remember. It's unbearably painful, but I know it will get better. Nana, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I miss your hugs, I miss our talks and I miss your advice. I miss sitting at your dining room table for hours just talking about anything and everything. You would love Mary-Grace so much! She reminds me so much of you. She has your sass and attitude. :) please watch over your family. And save me a place at that reunion! I hope you are having fun! If any of you have a few prayers you could spare for my family I know we would all appreciate it. We are all still grieving so much. Also, if you could pray for my youngest sister. She just got married back in November and got pregnant right away. Today she found out she lost her baby. She is understandably having a very hard time. We have decided that January 6th needs to be removed from the calendar. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse they typos. My phone thinks it's smarter than me.

Prayer Buddy Reveal

This Advent I had the honor of praying for Mathching Moonheads!  I have been reading her blog for quite some time (although I don't comment nearly as much as I should) and have always loved her!  A, I prayed for you, your precious miracle, and your husband whenever you popped into my head during the day.  I also prayed for you at Mass and Adoration.  I tried to offer up lots of things for you, especially the week Mary-Grace and I both had the flu.  I hope that your felt my prayers and please know that I will continue to pray for you.  I cannot wait to "meet" that sweet baby of yours when s/he arrives! :)

I also want to thank All You Who Hope for praying for me.  You were the very first blog I found (I found you the week you adopted your sweet Clara) when I was searching for answers and support.  You gave me hope when I was feeling hopeless.  Thank you so much for your prayers, it means more than I can tell you.

3rd Trimester and a Change

Today marks the first day of my third trimester with sweet Hannah.  I cannot believe I'm 28 weeks already.  I feel like it took me forever to get this far with Mary-Grace.  It's strange, but I often forget that I'm pregnant...until I try to bend over to pick something up.  I feel like this pregnancy has been so much smoother than it was last time around.  I wasn't anywhere near as sick in the beginning.  We haven't had any scares like we did last time.  I decided to forgo PIO injections even though my levels were slightly low.  I'm more exhausted this time around, but I also don't have the luxury of napping whenever I want like I did last time.  I haven't gained much weight,  as of a month ago I had gained 9 lbs.  I'm not sure what I'm up to now.  I was supposed to have an appointment today but I rescheduled for next week.  It's just so crazy busy here with an insane amount of family drama on both sides that I decided it would just be so much easier.  K is also off all next week so he won't have to take time to go with me.  Sometimes I feel guilty because I feel like I'm not paying as much attention to Hannah like I did with Mary-Grace (does that make sense?).  I'm just so busy chasing this increasingly mobile, 9 month old (tomorrow) around the house that I don't have time to think about it.  I used to talk to MG all the time, rub my belly, and pay attention to every move she made.  Now I'm sitting here wondering if I've felt her move in the past 24 hours.  I'm drinking some juice to wake her up so I can be sure she's doing ok in there.

I have moments of panic from time to time.  Before I know it Hannah will be here and we will be a family of 4.  I feel like we just became a family of 3 (probably because we did).  Ten years of just the two of us (5 of those married) and suddenly we have doubled.  It's mind blowing.  I can't wait to meet her but I'm also not ready.  I look around my house and think there is no way we are ready for another baby around here.  I haven't begun cooking and freezing meals.  I haven't cleaned the carpet, organized the closets, or gotten MG a big girl carseat so that Hannah can have her infant one.  The calendar says I only have 12 weeks to go.  But my gut says I have less.  MG was born 1 week early (well 6 days, but whatever).  My OBs said that typically the moms they see that have babies less than a year apart tend to go even earlier.  It's like their bodies are already so well prepped that it just kicks right into gear the second time around.  Hannah is due March 13th.  My plan is to have everything I need to do done by February 13th.  Then if she's early I'm ready and if not, great!  I can attempt to rest.

We still haven't made our final decision on a homebirth yet.  I've got to make a few phone calls later today and set up some appointments for next week when K is off.  Hopefully after some consultations with some midwives we'll be able to make our decision.  Surprisingly K is 100% for the homebirth, I'm the one with some reservations.  What's funny is that unlike last time around where my reservations were safety, this time I'm just worried that I won't be able to handle it.  I'm terrified of the pain this go around.  I'm thinking it's because of my experience with a 3 day labor that's making me a little uneasy.  I don't know if I can do that again.

We still haven't totally decided on Hannah's middle name.  We were wanting Therese but now I'm really wanting Elizabeth.  K is still stuck on Therese.  Any opinions to sway me one way or the other is appreciated.

Now onto the change.  I've been trying to figure out why blogging has taken such a back seat.  Obviously I'm a bit busier now but I know that's not it.  The truth is that when I sit down to write nothing comes out.  I started this blog while searching for support from other women who were experiencing the same things that I was.  The whole premise of my writing centered around IF.  Obviously I can't really consider myself IF anymore.  When I sit down to write all I can think of is writing about my experiences with motherhood, homemaking, life as a new Catholic etc. etc.  But obviously IF isn't really there anymore.  I want to keep writing.  I actually do have a lot of things I would like to talk about but I feel like I can't do it here.  It's a weird feeling I can't really explain.  So I'm thinking about doing a change.  I'm thinking about changing my name (I never really liked it anyway), changing the look, and changing the focus.  It will take some time but I think it needs it.  Like the name, I've just never been 100% happy with my little space.  Maybe a change will help.  We'll see what happens. :)

In the mean time I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas if I don't get a chance to blog before then.  You are all in my prayers (especially you prayer buddy) as always!

Good morning...

Couldn't ask for a better way to wake up on my birthday. :)

And yes that says A-Mommy.  Have I ever told you that from day one we created a "voice" for Mary-Grace?  Well we did.  She sounds sort of French and she also likes to put "a" in front of words (short a sound like uh).  I'm not sure how this all came about but we think it's pretty cute. :)  I've been wondering what sort of "voice" Hannah will have. :)

This little boy needs our prayers!

I stumbled across a blog today, clicking from blog to blog. Please, please, pray for this little baby boy as well as his momma.

Just a warning, it's hard to read, I'm still sobbing. I cannot even imagine.

http://ourordinarylifeextraordinary.blogspot.com/2011/12/tragedy.html


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse they typos. My phone thinks it's smarter than me.

Prayer Buddy

Prayer Buddy (and anyone else who would like to say a prayer or two), I have a request.

I was planning on delivering Hannah with the same doctors and hospital as I did with Mary-Grace. Although it didn't not end up being unmediated as originally planned I did not have a bad experience at all. However, for the past few weeks home birth has really been on my heart. The main thing that deterred me with MG was that the closest hospital (with maternity ward) was 45 minutes away. I worried that if there was an emergency, it would be a really long trip to the hospital even via ambulance. Well, halfway through my pregnancy the newer hospital that is about 15-20 minutes away opened up their maternity center. However, at the time I didn't want to switch to a midwife. This time around I'm second guessing my choice to go with the same doctors and hospital.

Here are my concerns:

1. I want to try to go natural again. Although my experience wasn't bad last time it may be different this time if I don't actually get the epidural. My doctors and the hospital aren't exactly known for being natural birth friendly.

2. I don't want to leave MG. I know this sounds strange but it's an honest fear of mine. I have never left her. The longest she has been away from me is for a quick trip to the grocery store down the street with K. I have so much anxiety about leaving her already. I'm afraid that my fears may stall labor. I think I would be most comfortable knowing that she was being taken care of in the next room by my doula or K or possibly my sister.

3. I fear an unforeseen emergency.

4. I fear being transferred to the hospital and having to see an on call doctor and nurses who might not respect my wishes.

I'm already 27 weeks so of we are going to make this switch we have to do it very soon. I'm going to call around to set up interviews with midwives tomorrow.

If you could say a little prayer for peace of mind and clarity I would so appreciate it! Thank you! Thank you!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse they typos. My phone thinks it's smarter than me.

Christmas Cards!!!

I have seriously dreamed of sending out Christmas cards with a little one on it for years!  Of course when I finally got around to being able to do it I totally slacked.  I'm going to blame it on being insanely sick last week (hence not getting up the post I told you I would).  Anyhoo...because I slacked I missed the awesome discount and had to pay out the nose for shipping to insure that I get them in time to get them mailed.  Whatever!  I'm just happy I finally ordered them!  I ordered way more than I needed because rather than counting households on or family list I counted people. :o/  Oh well...so now that I have way too many y'all are welcome to one if you want it. :)  Hopefully I'll have enough for whoever wants one.  I think I have quite a few extra.  So if you would like one email me your address to ktmathewson at gmail dot com.

Photo Card

View the entire collection of cards.