Charting *Updated*

Well look at me posting two days in a row.  I haven't done that since before Mary-Grace was born.

Not that many of you will really want to read this post.  It's going to be full of way, way too much information.  I mean really.  So, if you're not up for reading about blood, and cm, and what's not happening in this house, stop now.  Just turn and run. I won't be offended.

Alright, you've been warned.

After MG was born I had postpartum bleeding for what is considered longer than "usual".  I want to say it was 7-8 weeks.  After it stopped my cycles came back about 2 weeks later.  They were horribly painful but my chart looked pretty good.  Eight days of bleeding (which is actually good for me) followed by some green stickers about 7 white and lots of pretty green (I say pretty green because prior to MG I never ever had green stickers with the exception of the cycle we conceived).  I only had about one day or so of TEBB (which is FABULOUS for me) and all looked normal.  Although I was irritated at the quick cycle return I was happy that my body seemed to actually be doing something right with no help.

This time around.  Oh my goodness...it's insane.  I had postpartum bleeding for I think about 10ish weeks.  I can't remember exactly (I wasn't charting yet).  Then I had 2 days of white stickers followed by 8 red.  Then 3 more white, 10 red, 5 white, 1 red, 1 white, 11 red, and now I'm on my 13th white.  That is not normal.  I know they say that almost anything is normal while breastfeeding, but this can't be normal.  I'm over it and longing to see a green sticker and some sort of sign of something fairly normal.

We are absolutely avoiding a baby right now.  Partly due to the fact that I just had 2 babies in 1 year (my body needs to heal), partly due to ppd (my mental state needs to improve), and largely in part to what I just mentioned above (obviously I'm not healthy and fear it would not be a healthy pregnancy).

Well if you noticed, there is not one green sticker above, and I'm currently just over 14 weeks postpartum, coupled with the fact that I was huge and pregnant and didn't want to be touched, you do the math on what hasn't happened in a really,really long time.

All I know is that I have one really really patient husband.

I'm guessing I need some bloodwork.  But when would I do it?  Typically it's timed around certain points in your cycle.  Well, I have no clue where I am in my cycle...would you even consider any of this a cycle?

When I got pregnant with Hannah so quickly, I thought my body must be healed.  Maybe we finally figured it all out and I didn't have any issues anymore.  Not so much.  

So, do any of you charting experts have any idea what's going on? I'm at the end of my rope.  This is not fun. 


*I had my appointment with Angela last night.  Right away she said I definitely needed some yellow stickers.  She explained it to me but said I had to do some sort of essential sameness test each day for 2 weeks then I'll go back in and get the stickers.  It seems easy enough so that's our new plan.  I can see where there is definitely room for human error as far as avoiding but we aren't super concerned.  While we don't plan to actively try at the moment for the above mentioned reasons, we are always open to life.  And should God see fit to bless us again then we'll be grateful for that.  His plan always ends up better than my plan anyway.

We also discussed the crazy bleeding.  The good news is that I've had 13 full days without any bleeding.  My hope is that that's all behind us now.  I've got a call in to my Napro doc but I'm thinking it was so sort of wacky postpartum thing.  Angela said she's seen this 2 other times.  And while it's not "normal," they couldn't find anything wrong with her other clients either.  I have been checked (a few weeks back) for retained placenta.  That wasn't the issue.  But like I said.  I have a call in to Dr. G so we'll get her take.

So the plan for now is yellow stickers until this lets up or until I have my first real cycle.  She explained that all of this CM doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong.  She said it's fairly common in women who are breastfeeding.  She also told me about something called cervical eversion.  It is something that can happen due to oral contraception use or vaginal delivery.  It's basically an inflammation of the cervix.  It's not uncommon and I guess if you aren't charting you probably wouldn't really notice the excess mucus.  It doesn't really seem to cause health problems but it can be fixed in a doctor's office with a little cauterization.  We'll see what Dr. G thinks.

Can I just say how much my mood has changed just since last night.  I think all of this craziness was really starting to weigh me down.  It's not fun bleeding for that long.  It's exhausting.  Thank you all for your prayers and advice.  You ladies rock!

It's not all doom and gloom...

My last two posts have been pretty dreary.  While most days are filled with anxiety and lots of tears, not everyday is bad.  I do have good days.  Days where the anxiety is at a minimum and there are no crying fests in sight.  Sometimes I have a few of these really good days in a row.  This past weekend was one of those.  

This post could easy be one of those "Why I Love My Husband" posts as well.

Sometime last week I texted K while he was working and told him I really needed a change of scenery.  He texted me back almost immediately with "How about we go to the beach?"  Um, heck yes!  We live only about an hour from the gulf and a little over an hour away from Ft. Desoto.  It's one of our favorite places but the last time we went was about two weeks before Mary-Grace was born.  You can read about that here.  When we were dating and first married we used to go the the beach all the time.  Slowly we got busy and it happened less and less.

So on Friday I headed out to get myself a new baithingsuit.  I totally stretched out the one I wore a few years ago by squeezing my 39 week pregnant self into it a few months back.  I also picked up some picnic lunch type things and a new beach blanket.  We packed up the car Friday night and headed out first thing Saturday morning.  Of course first thing with two babies doesn't happen as quickly as it did in our pre children days, but we eventually got on the road.

It was hot, very hot, but it was beautiful!  After we got set up, I fed Mary-Grace lunch and then fed Hannah. Then we took the girls for a dip in the Gulf.  Unfortunately I didn't get a picture of Hannah putting her toes in the ocean for the first time.  But she loved it!

Hannah decided to take a nice little snooze so K took Mary-Grace back into the ocean to play while I laid in the sun.  Oh how I miss laying in the sun.  It wasn't for long but it was so relaxing!  Just what I needed.  I spent some time sitting at the edge of the water with my oldest just laughing and playing in the sand.

After awhile we took a short walk around the wooded area of the park before heading home.

Mmmmm lunch!

She recently found her feet.

Sleeping to the sound of the ocean...the best kind of sleep. :)

Playing in the ocean with Daddy.  And just a little tip, when there is miles of beach, don't sit you stuff right in front of someone else. :0/

Here hair, it cracks me up!

My little mini me.

Sleeping on our walk. 

That night K ordered pizza so I didn't have to cook.  Then the next morning after I fed Hannah, he took her and handled Mary-Grace when she woke up so I could sleep in.

It was FABULOUS!

Later that day he gave me some time to finally use the awesome new sewing machine the girls got me for Mother's Day.  I cranked out two adorable pillowcase dresses for the girls to wear to Mass that night.  Unfortunately I forgot to take a picture.

It was most definitely just what I needed!  Am I magically cured?  No.  Did it help me to feel a little normal?  Absolutely!

And a few pictures from some other "good days" I've had recently...

Hannah's Baptism

I forgot to charge my camera though so we only got a few pictures. :(  Poor second child.

Fourth of July

My Hannah-Bear!  I love this kid!

Don't you just want to eat those cheeks?

Her cheeks look pretty delicious too. :)

I may be a little bias, but isn't she beautiful?

My very failed attempt to get a picture of them together.

Fun with the new bubble machine.  Best $12 I've spent in awhile!

How cute is that outfit?

Quick Takes

Has it really been almost a month since my last post? Yikes! Thank you all so much for your prayers! Here's a quick takes to update you on how things are going.

And please excuse any wonkiness... I'm doing this from my phone and it tends to do weird things.

1. The progesterone didn't do a darn thing. Nothing...nada...I feel no different. Yippie. I'm not sure where to go from here. K thinks I need to talk to someone else, perhaps to get on a low dOse of an anti depressant. He's probably right, but I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to admit that it's at that point. I know that seems silly but like I think I mentioned in my last post, I come from a scary history of mental illness in my family. I've always feared this.

2. I've been trying to do some behavioral type things to see if that helps. I take everything minute by minute (at least I try to). I'm trying to communicate my feeling and frustrations with K more. And I'm TRYING (emphasis on trying) to ask K for help when I need it. He is an AMAZING husband and wants so badly for me to feel better.

3. I treated myself to a pedicure last Saturday...ALONE. It was the first time I had been alone in over 15 months (sinceary-Grace was born). I'm not kidding when I say I haven't been alone at all since then. No grocery store trip...rarely a trip to the bathroom. I felt so selfish but deep down I knew I really needed it. I fed Hannah right before I left and since the nail salon is less than 5 minutes away I was sure I could get there and back before she was hungry again. It as a fabulous hour. I fell asleep sitting in the massage chair while she rubbed my feet. I felt great but unfortunately it only helped the immediate. However, it was very worth it and I thi k I need to try to find room in our budget to do it monthly. It's only $15 if you pay cash...I'm sure I can cut $5 from three other pieces of our budget. I'm finally realizing that my sanity is a priority.

4. Hebrews mentioned in my last post about how this may have been harder for me to admit because of my history with IF. She was so right! So, so right. I feel so ungrateful all of the time. I struggled for this. This is my dream, and it's come true, yet I'm not happy. How can that be? It seriously makes me feel horrible. Just thinking about it makes me want to burst into tears. I often feel like I need to suck it up and get over it. There are so many women who would give their right arm to be in my shoes. But I can't just get over it. I've tried.

5. Another HUGE issue is my mother. I know I've mentioned her before. I have feared my entire life that I would be like her. I still fear it. Anytime I feel like I just need to get away for a minute I wonder if I'm going to be like her. Is that how it started? Did she first feel like she just needed a minute? Then that minute turned into a few days. Then those days turned into months...then years? Is that how she abandoned us? Although there is no part of me that has an desire to walk away from my babies, I still wonder if I'm going to be like her. It is a guilt I can't shake. It breaks me.

6. The above is what makes me want to fix this! I WILL NOT DO TO MY GIRLS WHAT MY MOTHER DID TO ME! I WILL NOT! My babies deserve a mother. Hell, I deserve a mother. I will beat this, I have to! I'm beginning to wonder if I need therapy or counseling. Maybe getting to the root of my issues will help.

7. I don't want to leave this totally depressing, so instead, I'll leave with a few pictures of my lovely girls. :)

She loves her little sister and asks me constantly to hold her. :)



She also like to share her water...with Hannah's nose. Hannah does not look amused.





Big girl won't let me feed her yogurt anymore.




This little one is so happy...except when she's not. :)

Coming Clean

Last year not long after I became pregnant with Hannah I admitted to y'all that I was struggling with some PPD issues.  Looking back the issues begun shortly after Mary-Grace was born.  I ignored it as I tend to do with most things medical and hoped that it would just go away.  I'm a bit like my Nana was in that if I ignore something I convince myself that nothing is really wrong.  If I don't admit it, it isn't there.  It's a horrible coping mechanism that has done nothing but cause me problems.  You would think that after the countless issues that I have ignored that have only gotten worse, not better like my brain seems to tell me they will, I would learn to speak up when something isn't right.

Well I haven't...

After finally admitting last year that I was having issues I still chose not to treat them.  I was pregnant and didn't want to take any of the drugs that are considered "safe" while pregnant.  None of them were safe enough in my mind so, I decided to try to treat things with some behavior modifications and such.  It didn't work, but I convinced myself it did.

The other day I was supposed to have a follow up appointment with my Creighton Instructor.  I had an appointment at 6 weeks with her and began charting right away.  My cycles returned not long after that (or so I thought).  She wanted to meet with me again to make sure I remembered how to chart since I've been pregnant for the last 18 out of 24 months.  Anyway, I emailed her to reschedule my appointment.  I explained that I was still bleeding (the issues with my bleeding are a whole other post for another day...but I'm basically still bleeding...almost 12 weeks pp).  When she replied, she just happened to ask me how I was feeling.  I'm not sure what prompted this.  She actually very specifically asked me if I was anxious, sad, crying a lot, feeling despair, etc. etc.  I thought it was strange but replied to her that my anxiety is out of control and I'm feeling very overwhelmed but I have two very young babies so that should be expected right?  She responded and told me that she forwarded my email to my napro consultant, Dr. G.  She said she was worried about me and just wanted to make sure Dr. G was aware of what was going on.

To be honest, I thought she was just emailing her regarding the insane pp bleeding that no one can figure out (I've been checked, no retained placenta).  The next day I got a call from Dr. G.  Rather than focus on the bleeding she asked me a lot of questions regarding my emotional state.  I was very tempted to lie (I know that sounds horrible but it's the truth).  I am not good at admitting things that involve my mental state.  I know this is because I come from a very strong history of mental illness.  My whole life I have felt that if I admit that I'm not ok mentally people are going to think I'm crazy.  Then if people think I'm crazy I'm going to end up being just like my mom.  I know this is ridiculous, but I can't seem to shake it.  I even got up and went into my bedroom to talk to her so that K wouldn't here what I was telling her.

Once she was done with the questions she told me that it sounded like I am suffering from some pretty significant PPD.  She said thought that she did believe it is hormonal given my history  ( I believe it may also be thyroid and adrenal related but since I can't get a doctor to listen to me regarding that, I'll take what I can get).  She called in a prescription for progesterone hoping that we could treat it that way.  I cannot take PIO any longer due to an allergic reaction I had while pregnant with Mary-Grace so I will be taking 3 200mg pills everyday for 10 days.  She said within a day or two I should notice some improvement.  I'm on day 3 and nothing.  No difference what so ever.  My anxiety is out of control.

I've been trying to open up to K about this.  I have always been able to talk to him about anything.  For some reason though, I'm really struggling to talk to him about what's going on in my head.  What I'm trying to explain never seems to come out right.  Talking about it just tends to make me feel more crazy (I'm hoping writing about it helps).

This has been going on far too long! Well over a year is too long to suffer from PPD.  WAY TOO LONG!  I'm praying for some relief soon.  It makes me very sad to think back to Mary-Grace's first year and realize how much I missed because I wasn't ok.  It saddens me to think that the same thing is happening with Hannah's first year.  I need to be honest with myself and face this.  I have to make myself realize that it's ok if people think I'm crazy once they realize what is happening in my head.  It's ok, because I am not.  Obviously I'm having some serious difficulties that I need help with.  It has become very clear that I cannot do this on my own.  I have to get better for my babies.  I have realized with the help of K, that this isn't about me anymore.  I cannot be stubborn because my stubbornness will affect my babies.

I ask that you please pray for me.  I have a feeling there is a long road ahead of me.

I'm going to post next exactly how my mid has been working so y'all can understand what I mean...and to force myself to admit all of this.  I feel like admitting this is a step in the right direction.

Quick Takes

1.  I've been trying to get a post up about what really makes home births awesome...all the stuff that happens after baby is born...but haven't been able to finish it.  Partially because I'm crazy busy with a toddler (I can't believe she's a toddler) who has just started walking and currently teething 4 molars, and a newborn who doesn't sleep and doesn't nap, and partially because my brain is absolute mush.  Hannah is now 10 weeks old so I guess I need to get on that.

2.  I mentioned it above, but we have a walker!  Mary-Grace is a little over 14 months now.  Shes been cruising on furniture since about 10ish months.  At almost 13 months she started getting much braver.  At about 13.5 months she began taking steps, lots of them, but would alternate between that and crawling.  Then all of a sudden about 2 weeks ago she just took off.  She is walking all over my house.  It is so weird to be in my room and have her just come walking in.  The only downside, she no longer wants to be in her stroller or in a grocery cart.  Having Hannah means I can't always chase after her in public so strollers and carts are a must.  Grocery shopping has become very interesting lately.

3.  My cycles have already returned.  Seriously?  I breastfeed around the clock.  Same thing happened last time.  I was really hoping to get a break because they are still super screwy and super painful.  To make it even more fun I had pp bleeding until almost 9 weeks after Hannah was born.  I got a one day break and then CD1.  At least last time I got like 2 weeks.  I don't want to be one of those women who don't have cycles for over a year, but a few months would have been nice.

4.  I'm trying to think of activities for Mary-Grace to do while I'm busy feeding Hannah.  It seems that as soon as I sit down to feed her she is into something.  She usually heads to the pantry and yanks anything that is in her reach off the shelf.  Keeping the door closed all the time isn't an option because it gets super hot in there (the builders forgot the air vent) and I can't remove everything in her reach because we need the storage.  She also uses this opportunity to go running headfirst into walls, tables, etc.  I need some easy ideas to keep her entertained for 15-20 minutes.  Do you have any?

5.  I have decided that we are in desperate need of a vacation.  We took a long weekend to Disney last fall for our anniversary but I feel the need to get to the beach.  I am dying to spend a few days laying in the sand listening to the ocean.  Our favorite beach is only about 2 1/2 to 3 hours from here but it can be pricy to stay there (it's an island).  We have got to find a way to work in a vacation savings into our budget.  We haven't taken a real vacation in over 2 years.  I know that doesn't sound like long but we love to travel and I'm getting cabin fever really bad.  Besides, that vacation was to the mountains and I'm needing the beach.  It's been 4 years since we've done that.  I find that pathetic considering the state I live in.

6.  I know this may sound strange to most people, but at 14 months old we still haven't left Mary-Grace with anyone.  It started out because I was breastfeeding and despite my crazy oversupply of milk I don't respond well to a pump.  Sure I could pump enough for a few bottles but the time and effort just wasn't worth it to me.  Then I realized that I just had no desire to leave her anywhere and neither did K.  We have been together for 11 years now.  We have had 11 years of alone time and get alone time every night when she goes to bed.  We really enjoy just taking her with us wherever we go.  I'll be honest, some of it is due to my crazy anxiety as well.  It honestly gives me a panic feeling when I think about someone else watching her.  But really it doesn't matter what my reason is for not leaving her with others.  They are my reasons, and K's reasons and that's that.  I have left her with K, but only for an hour or at most two.  He's also taken her with him for an hour or two to go wherever, but that's it.  Anyway, the point is that last weekend I was chewed out and made to feel guilty because I told a family member she couldn't come pick Mary-Grace up for the day.  What frustrated me to start with is that she didn't ask me she just told me she was going to come buy one day during the week and take her for the day.  Then when I told her no, that she was welcome to come over and spend the day with us, but that I wasn't ready to let her go for the day, she started going on and on about how I need to get over it and that Mary-Grace is never going to know her.  She said that she used to take us places when we were kids and she never harmed us, yadda, yadda, yadda.  I apologized and explained that it was a lot in part to my anxiety.  She didn't care though and stormed off.  K and I talked about it later and he agreed with me that he didn't like the idea of this person (or anyone else really) taking her somewhere.  We agreed that we would be more comfortable with our children going somewhere with others when she can communicate better.  We also talked about how the first time we leave our children we would prefer that it be in our own home with someone here to watch her.  I know I'm a bit over protective, but as for right now this is working for us.  I haven't seen a movies since before I was pregnant with Mary-Grace, I'm ok with that.  I haven't had a pedicure or gone anywhere alone in 14 months, I'm ok with that.  My husband and I haven't been on a "date" alone in 14 months, we both really are ok with that.  Up until my little non-sleeper Hannah was born 2 months ago we had a date every evening after Mary-Grace went to bed.  Dates in our house are much nicer to the wallet anyway.  Our favorite bottle of wine isn't expensive at all. :)

7.  Speaking of oversupply (I mentioned it in the jumble above)...it SUCKS!  I mean seriously!  I remember before Mary-Grace was born worrying if I would have enough milk.  Forget having enough!  I have enough to feed a darn village!  I had the same problem with Mary-Grace but it seems to be 10X's worse this time.  I leak everywhere constantly.  I have to tuck a hand towel into the flap part of my nursing tanks when I feed Hannah because milk spills everywhere while she eats.  I also have to keep a separate towel or burp cloth in my hand so that when my milk lets down I can pull her off and catch it in the towel.  If I don't she chokes to the point where she can't breathe.  She is constantly stuffy and congested because of all the milk she sucks up and no amount of suctioning her nose helps.  I have started feeding her on the same side for at least 3 feedings before switching sides.  She wasn't getting nearly enough of the good, fatty, hindmilk before.  She's definitely getting that this way, I can tell when by the third feeding she finally gets that "milk drunk" look and falls asleep, but it isn't helping with the forcefulness of my let down.  It's not a huge deal at home, however it makes nursing in public really difficult.  It's very hard to be discreet when you have a baby flailing around and choking because your milk shoots out like a dang fire hose.  Hannah also can't comfort nurse because there is no such thing as nursing without much milk coming out when it involves me.  This happened with Mary-Grace too so I ended up giving her a paci.  Hannah however, wants nothing to do with a paci.  This makes for a very ticked off baby in the evenings when shes had enough to eat but just wants to nurse to sleep.  I've read that you can take very small amounts of Benedryl to decrease you supply slightly but I'm scared to do that.  I really wish Mary-Grace would have taken up nursing again after Hannah was born.  I could have used her to nurse right before feeding Hannah to help with the let down.  Does that sound horrible?  Like I'm using my first baby?

Motherhood

I endured years of heartache, painful shots, expensive pills, procedures, and tests.

I cried, rejoiced, and shook with excitement and nervousness as I saw those two pink lines...twice.

I sobbed with fear as I thought I was losing one of them.

I carried them in my womb for 39 and 41 weeks.

I pushed them out of my body after 72 and 8 hours of labor.

I snuggled their squishy, gooey, naked bodies against my own when they first entered this world.

I stared at them and marveled at God's creation and goodness trying to savor each moment of the miracle that I was blessed to be a part of.

I watched my amazing and loving husband as he became a daddy and cut their cords.

I cried through the first few weeks of brestfeeding both of them as I felt pain and frustration.

I rejoiced as I realized that we finally got this!

I walk around smelling like sour milk with stains on my shirts.

I have purple battle scares on my belly that proves they once lived inside.

I am less tone and have wider hips from them growing in my tummy.

I haven't spent more than an hour on my own in 14 months.

I have spent and still spend many nights with little sleep as I wake to feed and comfort my babies.

I have stayed awake to stare at them, just to make sure they are breathing.

I stare at their beautiful blue eyes, and try to figure out what features they get from which one of us.

I drive all over creation to go to the best pediatrician, get the right foods, and the best supplements.

I do things that I swore I would never do when I had kids.

I smile and rejoice as my oldest learns to walk.  I laugh as she dances to any music that she hears.

I giggle at the faces they both make.  Especially my littlest, she's a sassy one.

I pray for them daily and wonder about who they will become in the coming years.

I pray for myself, that I will be the mother He wants me to be.

I thank God for the gifts they are because I know I do not deserve them.

Hannah's Birth Story - Finally!

This is the story of how we welcomed our sweet baby, Hannah Clare, into this world.  It's a bit long and detailed, but I want to remember everything.

On Thursday, March 22nd, I had my 41 week appointment.  I was now 9 days "overdue" and completely exhausted.  About an hour before I was to leave for my appointment I began having some cramping much like period cramps and light spotting.  I tried not to get my hopes up that this was the start of things because I had been having contractions on and off for weeks.  At my appointment I asked my midwife, Kim, to check my progress.  I was 1.5-2 cm dilated and 85% effaced - the same as the week prior.  She offered to help "stir things up," meaning strip my membranes.  I was all too happy to have her do this.  I had less than a week for Hannah to arrive before I would be forced to transfer to a hospital to be induced. We left my appointment with a slip to have an ultrasound on the following Monday to check fluid levels and instructions to do a lot of pelvic rocks (Hannah seemed to have her head in a funny position so we were trying to encourage her to tuck her head), walk, have sex (Seriously, how many 41 week pregnant women want to do this?) and get some rest.  The 3 of us went to lunch at 5 G.uys before K headed back to work.  I decided that maybe Mary-Grace and I should make a quick stop at Target.  I figured while I tried not to spend too much money I could at least get some walking in.  :)

That evening I struggled to eat much at dinner.  My stomach was queezy and I was exhausted and anxious.  I was still having mild cramping and spotting but nothing more than earlier in the day.  We put Mary-Grace to bed and I went on a cleaning spree trying to get the house spotless.  Although I was trying not to get my hopes up, I had a strong feeling that Hannah would be arriving the next day.  At about 9:30 we heard MG screaming from her crib.  She had been teething so it wasn't unusual for her to wake up fussy and go right back to sleep.  These screams seemed different to me though so I asked K to go check on her.  Within a minute or two I heard him calling me to her room.  My poor Peanut had thrown up all over herself and her crib. K took her to give her a bath while I cleaned up her crib and put new sheets on.  After her bath he took her to our room to get her dressed.  The poor thing then threw up all over our bed.  I brought her into the living room with me to snuggle with her where she threw up on me another 5 times.  Finally, after a few hours, she went back to sleep.  I looked at the clock and realized it was after 11:30pm.  I started flipping out.  I got snappy with K (like it was his fault) and started complaining about how I needed sleep.  I kept telling K that staying up this late was a really, really bad idea.

Finally, a little after midnight, I climbed into bed.  Almost immediately after laying down, I noticed a few contractions.  I tried not to pay too much attention to them and go to sleep.  I'm not sure exactly what time, but at some point I noticed that I was waking up for contractions and falling asleep between them.  At 3:00am, I woke up for a contraction that seemed much stronger and could not go back to sleep.  I did this for about an hour and finally decided to wake K up at 4:00am.  I told him what had been going on and asked if he would time them for me.  I mentioned that I thought they might be 10 or so minutes apart and sure enough they were.  After only timing about 3 contractions they went from 10 minutes apart to 8 minutes to 6 minutes to 5 minutes.  By 5:30am K suggested I call my midwife.  She lives over an hour away and needed plenty of time to get to us.  I hesitated to call her for a minute, still worried that maybe this wasn't really it, but then decided that I really didn't want to have K deliver this baby without her.  After a few questions from her she said she was on her way.  I then called my doula, Dee, who said she was on her way as well.  Then K decided that he should call my sister S.  Mary-Grace would be waking up any minute and we needed her to help take care of her while I labored.  I couldn't hear my sister's side of the conversation, but I could tell by K's reaction that she was very, very excited.

After I knew Kim, Dee and S were on their way it suddenly started to become very real to me.  All of a sudden I had a huge urge to do my hair.  Why?  I have no clue!  I knew that once labor really got going my hair would be a wreck and I wouldn't care anyway, but none the less, I JUST HAD TO DO IT.  While I went to pretty myself up K headed out to the kitchen to make sure all of the dishes were done and things were at least picked up.  While straightening my hair I continued to time contractions and noticed that they were now 3-4 minutes apart.  After I finished, I thought I should put a little makeup on.  However, not two seconds after this thought crossed my mind I had a HUGE contractions and decided to just forget it.  I grabbed my birthing ball and decided to sit down and rock on it for awhile.  K then came back in the room and said it would probably be a good idea to give Kaitlin a call.  It was 6:00am at this point and I figured he was right.  She did have a 4 hour drive after all.  I was so worried that I would have her come and I wouldn't really be in labor.  For some reason this phone call was very memorable to me.  When she answered the phone it was in the sweetest little whisper.  I could tell that she knew that if I was calling her this early in the morning it was for one reason only.  Our conversation was short and sweet and she was on her way.  When I hung up the phone I knew for sure that this was it.  Hannah was coming today!

I rolled my ball over to the side of my bed and continued to rock on it using the side of my bed to steady myself between contractions.   K came back in and put my labor playlist on for me...then the doorbell rang. Kim, my midwife, was already hear.  She made it in less than 45 minutes!  She came in our room, spoke very softly, got quiet while I had a contraction, and asked me questions.  When she was done she took my temperature and blood pressure, all while I sat on my ball.  She then asked if I wanted her to check me to see where we were.  Of course I said yes, but I was so nervous!  I was terrified she was going to tell me I was only 1-2 cm.  I climbed up on my bed, closed my eyes, and prayed I was making progress.  Then she said something that was music to me ears.  I was 4cm!  "Wahoo!" I thought.  Then she told me to hold on a second, she did something with her hand, and then said "Great!  Now your 6cm."  "Wait...what?"  I asked her.  She repeated herself and I began to laugh right through a contraction.  It took me 3 whole days to make it to 3 cm with Mary-Grace and here I was, only a few hours into labor, and I was already 6.

At some point after this, Dee, my doula, and S, my sister arrived.  I knew Mary-Grace was awake so I decided to head into the living room with everyone to spend a few minutes with my Peanut before she became a big sister.  When I walked into the room my baby girl was relaxing in her chair drinking her milk. My sister had her daughter Olivia in her the high chair feeding her breakfast.  I kissed my Peanut and sat down on the couch to talk to everyone.  Surprisingly, it didn't seem to bother me that people were talking while I had contractions.  I liked the feel of how relaxed everything was - It was very comforting.  I said something to K and my sister about Mary-Grace needing breakfast.  I started to tell them how to make her oatmeal but then decided I wanted to do it myself.  I walked the few steps to the kitchen and had 3 hard contractions back to back.  I heard my midwife comment to my doula that they seemed to be picking up.  She then suggested to me that I get into the tub and try to relax.  I agreed and quickly gave S instructions between a few contractions.

By the time I got to our bathroom, the tub was already filled.  I climbed in and OH MY GOSH, it felt amazing.  It definitely doesn't take away pain from contractions, but it sure does make it easier to relax through.  I spent a few hours in the tub (about 3 1/2).  K and Dee sat next to me.  They encouraged me to drink water and Gatorade and offered me food (which I declined).  After awhile I mentioned that I was getting hot so Dee got cold wash cloths for my head, chest and back.  K went and got the small fan we bought to help cool me down.  The 3 of us chatted between contractions and they got quiet while I worked through them.  Every now and again my Kim or her assistant Arlene (I'm not sure when she got there), would come in a check my temperature and listen to Hannah's heartbeat.  Not once did I have to get out of the tub.  When the water started to feel cool, Kim came in and ran new water for me.  As I labored through contractions K started to notice that I was tensing my face.  He gently touched the part of my face that was tense and I relaxed it.  Dee then stared pushing right in the center of my forehead during contractions to help me relax it.  It seems strange, but this helped so much!

At some point I started really noticing K.  I don't know how to explain it.  I kept looking up at him and was just wishing that our tub was big enough for him to get in and snuggle with me.  I think Dee sensed this and left us alone for a little while.  This was my favorite part of labor.  I don't think it lasted long but it was so sweet.  I felt so close and in love with my amazing husband.

Around 10:30 K let me know that Kaitlin had arrived.  I remember thinking to myself that when we got closer to Hannah actually being born I should send for her to come be apart of it.  Unfortunately by the time we got to that point I completely forgot.

At about the same time, Kim came in and asked if I wanted her to check me.  I agreed and she told me I was about 8-9 cm.  She then suggested that I get out and sit on the toilet for a few minutes to see if that helped bring Hannah down more.  My water still had not broken and she was still a little high up.  She thought that my water may even break over the toilet.  I made some sort of comment about how that would be nice and there wouldn't need to be a clean up.

Let me just tell you now, sitting on the toilet during contractions is not pleasant at all!  Not at all.  I sat there for about 15 minutes and then I was done.  K suggested I get in the shower.  At first I said no but then decided what the heck, it's worth a try.  K got in the shower with me to help support me if needed.  My midwife and doula were in the bathroom with us but I was able to talk to K without them hearing us much.  This was the time that I began to say that I could do it.  I felt this way while sitting on the toilet but I didn't want anyone to hear me say it.  K kept reminding me that I could and I was.  Then it hit me.  I was in transition and I knew it.  I knew that the only reason I felt like I could do it was because it was almost over, this was the hardest part.  Then I remembered that that meant that this was also the shortest part.

The shower didn't last long.  When I got out, Kim brought me my ball to sit on.  I really, really did not want to sit on my ball.  I could tell that Hannah had moved a lot lower and I knew sitting on that ball was going to hurt.  Dee told me to sit on it through 3 contractions.  While sitting there things seemed to get even stronger.  K stood in front of me for me to lean in.  I started complaining of pain in my hips so Dee got behind me and squeezed my hips through each contraction.  My moans got louder and I felt myself looking up and locking eyes with K through them.  I began shaking and noticed tears streaming down my face.  This was getting hard, very hard.

After several contractions on the ball (I stayed on for more than just the 3 my doula asked me to), my midwife suggested that I get on my hands and knees.  The assistant laid out a huge waterproof pad on the floor.  K helped me walk over too it and Dee placed my ball in front of me.  I got on my knees and leaned over the ball rocking back and forth.  I mentioned to someone that I didn't like how the ball felt sticky to me and the next thing I knew someone appeared with a towel to drape over it.  I would rock in between contractions and then fall backwards closer to the floor during one.  I kept moaning and telling them that there was so much pressure.  Every down and then I noticed that Dee and my Midwife would look under the towel that was draped over my bottom (I requested the towel, they say you lose all modesty in transition, i did not). I felt my body sort of baring down during the contractions.  After just 5 or so contractions like this I felt a big pop (I thought I heard it too).  I then heard my midwife say something to her assistant about my water breaking.  I rocked back to my knees sitting up and the assistant took the smaller chuck pad that was under me away.  I heard the assistant note that the fluid was clear and then someone (I can't remember who) helped me up and walk me back to the tub.  I don't know when they did it but there was fresh warm water in the tub for me to get into.

Once back in the tub things got very very intense.  Kim checked me again and said that I was fully effaced and 9 1/2 - 10 cm.  She said that there was only a small lip and that she could hold it back if I felt the need to push.  While she was doing this my body seemed to take over and I began pushing without even trying.  I had imagined that I would be more quit during pushing...wrong.  I felt like I was screaming but K told me it was more like really, really loud growling and grunting.  I don't remember feeling contractions at all at this point so there was no pushing during contractions and resting between.  In hindsight it was like having one giant contraction.  Without much effort from me I just pushed and pushed and pushed.  I only stopped to breath.  I stared saying Ow! Ow! Ow! My doula kept saying Out! Out! Out! So I started saying Out! instead of Ow!  I remember begging Hannah to please come out.  I kept saying "Please Hannah, it's time to come out. Momma is tired.  All of a sudden I felt a strong burning sensation like nothing I've ever felt before.  I thought it would feel like someone was lighting my bottom on fire but it was definitely a burning, stretching feeling.  This whole time I'm still in the middle of this giant push that I can't stop.  I heard my midwife telling her assistant +1, +2, +3, +4, +5.  Then I told her "I can't do this anymore! It hurts too bad!"  She told me that I could do it and that I was.  She said that all of those numbers she was calling out was 1 cm closer to meeting my baby.  As Hannah's head began to come out, I felt pressure like I cannot begin to describe.  I remember locking eyes with K and silently begging him to make the pain stop.  I noticed tears in his eyes as he kept telling me that he loved me and that I could do this.  I looked back at my midwife as I pushed harder than I ever have (this time it was me pushing, not my body taking over) and I felt her head come out.  The midwife had me stop pushing while she checked to make sure the cord was not around her neck.  She then had me wait so that Hannah could rotate herself around.  She then had me give one more big push and out came her shoulders.  At 11:21am, our sweet Hannah Clare was born into the water in my bathroom.

 

More to come on what it's like to have a homebirth and my thoughts on a few things.