My Plan

I had a horrible weekend (and Monday).  HORRIBLE!  My anxiety was at an all time high and I had a panic attack that I thought for sure was going to land me in a psychiatric ward.  It was bad, really, really, bad.  I wrote about it but for the time being have decided not to post it.  I feel like for right now I need to try to move forward and think about what I need to do to fix this.  I do not want to live like this.  I cannot continue to live like this.  It's not an option.

First of all K and I are desperately searching for a therapist.  I found a website that helps you to find Catholic ones, however there were only 2 listed for the state of Florida.  One was about 6 hours North of me, the other 6 hours South.  That certainly won't work.  So how the heck to I pick a person to bare the depths of my soul to?  I can pull our insurance provider list up.  But how does that help me pick someone I'm compatible with?  Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.  I do believe that this PPD is hormonal in nature, but I also believe that some of it is some deep routed issues from my past (specifically involving my mother).  I need to talk this out with a professional.

Next, exercise.  I used to be an athlete.  I played softball from the time I was 6 until 18.  I played competitively on a travel team as well as a regular league.  I also ran track in high school.  I loved it and remember it being a great way to blow off steam.  An injury sidelined me and I just never got back into any of it once I recovered.  I've gotten terribly out of shape since and it's caused my self-esteem to tank.  K is a runner so I decided what the heck, why don't I get back into running.  Last week I started C25K and we have a love/hate relationship.  I like that it's getting my heart pumping but I really despise running.  I loath it.  But I'm determined to stick with it.

I was at a baby shower about 2 weeks ago and this woman started telling me about this thing called Stro.ller Sr.rides.  It's a way of exercising with your babies in a stroller.  It sounded interesting but when I looked it up it was a bit expensive, especially if I paid for it and didn't like it.  Well I just saw it as a Livi.ngSoc.ial deal at over 50% off.  I decided it was a sign and bought it.  I'll be starting that next week.

So the plan?
Monday, Wednesday, Friday - Sro.ller St.rides
Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday - C25K
Sunday - Rest

I'm hoping the exercise helps burn off some steam and lessens my anxiety.  If anything, it should at least help me to get into shape and boost my self-esteem.

I'm also working on cleaning and organizing my house.  I've never been a super neat person and I am bad about clutter.  It never used to bother me but it definitely does now.  In fact, clutter and mess is what caused one of my anxiety attacks this past weekend.  So, I'm working on a list of every area of the house that needs to be decluttered and deep cleaned.  I plan to make them small areas that will take me no more than 30 minutes to clean.  I want to work on one area each night after Mary-Grace goes to bed.

I think meal planning is a huge piece of organization.  I've been doing it weekly but I think I'm going to switch to monthly.  I also want to include int his menu snacks, breakfast (mostly for MG) and lunch (again, mostly for MG).  I also want to work in one day a month where I make a few freezer meals for those days when nothing seems to be going right and we need something easy.

I'm also working on a housekeeping schedule.  Of course certain things have to be done daily (dishes, counters, etc).  But I want a weekly schedule for things like vacuuming, mopping, laundry (the girls, mine and K's, sheets/towels, and diapers), bathrooms, dusting, grocery shopping, etc.  I'm hoping that some sort of schedule will help things not get away from me so I won't get so overwhelmed.

Not to mention prayer.  My prayer life has slipped terribly since Hannah's birth.  I just don't find the time and I need to.  I've decided to buy a prayer journal.  I do better when I write so why not write my prayers?  I learned about prayer journals when I took a prayer seminar thing while I was pregnant with Mary-Grace.  It was amazing and I need to get back to the things I learned.  I'm going to go buy myself a nice, pretty journal that I love and a nice pen so it will encourage me to use it.  I know that may sound silly, but I've always had a thing for stationary and office supplies.

Any other suggestions?  I'm open to everything and willing to try almost anything.

Wordless Wednesday

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse they typos. My phone thinks it's smarter than me.

Charting *Updated*

Well look at me posting two days in a row.  I haven't done that since before Mary-Grace was born.

Not that many of you will really want to read this post.  It's going to be full of way, way too much information.  I mean really.  So, if you're not up for reading about blood, and cm, and what's not happening in this house, stop now.  Just turn and run. I won't be offended.

Alright, you've been warned.

After MG was born I had postpartum bleeding for what is considered longer than "usual".  I want to say it was 7-8 weeks.  After it stopped my cycles came back about 2 weeks later.  They were horribly painful but my chart looked pretty good.  Eight days of bleeding (which is actually good for me) followed by some green stickers about 7 white and lots of pretty green (I say pretty green because prior to MG I never ever had green stickers with the exception of the cycle we conceived).  I only had about one day or so of TEBB (which is FABULOUS for me) and all looked normal.  Although I was irritated at the quick cycle return I was happy that my body seemed to actually be doing something right with no help.

This time around.  Oh my goodness...it's insane.  I had postpartum bleeding for I think about 10ish weeks.  I can't remember exactly (I wasn't charting yet).  Then I had 2 days of white stickers followed by 8 red.  Then 3 more white, 10 red, 5 white, 1 red, 1 white, 11 red, and now I'm on my 13th white.  That is not normal.  I know they say that almost anything is normal while breastfeeding, but this can't be normal.  I'm over it and longing to see a green sticker and some sort of sign of something fairly normal.

We are absolutely avoiding a baby right now.  Partly due to the fact that I just had 2 babies in 1 year (my body needs to heal), partly due to ppd (my mental state needs to improve), and largely in part to what I just mentioned above (obviously I'm not healthy and fear it would not be a healthy pregnancy).

Well if you noticed, there is not one green sticker above, and I'm currently just over 14 weeks postpartum, coupled with the fact that I was huge and pregnant and didn't want to be touched, you do the math on what hasn't happened in a really,really long time.

All I know is that I have one really really patient husband.

I'm guessing I need some bloodwork.  But when would I do it?  Typically it's timed around certain points in your cycle.  Well, I have no clue where I am in my cycle...would you even consider any of this a cycle?

When I got pregnant with Hannah so quickly, I thought my body must be healed.  Maybe we finally figured it all out and I didn't have any issues anymore.  Not so much.  

So, do any of you charting experts have any idea what's going on? I'm at the end of my rope.  This is not fun. 


*I had my appointment with Angela last night.  Right away she said I definitely needed some yellow stickers.  She explained it to me but said I had to do some sort of essential sameness test each day for 2 weeks then I'll go back in and get the stickers.  It seems easy enough so that's our new plan.  I can see where there is definitely room for human error as far as avoiding but we aren't super concerned.  While we don't plan to actively try at the moment for the above mentioned reasons, we are always open to life.  And should God see fit to bless us again then we'll be grateful for that.  His plan always ends up better than my plan anyway.

We also discussed the crazy bleeding.  The good news is that I've had 13 full days without any bleeding.  My hope is that that's all behind us now.  I've got a call in to my Napro doc but I'm thinking it was so sort of wacky postpartum thing.  Angela said she's seen this 2 other times.  And while it's not "normal," they couldn't find anything wrong with her other clients either.  I have been checked (a few weeks back) for retained placenta.  That wasn't the issue.  But like I said.  I have a call in to Dr. G so we'll get her take.

So the plan for now is yellow stickers until this lets up or until I have my first real cycle.  She explained that all of this CM doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong.  She said it's fairly common in women who are breastfeeding.  She also told me about something called cervical eversion.  It is something that can happen due to oral contraception use or vaginal delivery.  It's basically an inflammation of the cervix.  It's not uncommon and I guess if you aren't charting you probably wouldn't really notice the excess mucus.  It doesn't really seem to cause health problems but it can be fixed in a doctor's office with a little cauterization.  We'll see what Dr. G thinks.

Can I just say how much my mood has changed just since last night.  I think all of this craziness was really starting to weigh me down.  It's not fun bleeding for that long.  It's exhausting.  Thank you all for your prayers and advice.  You ladies rock!

It's not all doom and gloom...

My last two posts have been pretty dreary.  While most days are filled with anxiety and lots of tears, not everyday is bad.  I do have good days.  Days where the anxiety is at a minimum and there are no crying fests in sight.  Sometimes I have a few of these really good days in a row.  This past weekend was one of those.  

This post could easy be one of those "Why I Love My Husband" posts as well.

Sometime last week I texted K while he was working and told him I really needed a change of scenery.  He texted me back almost immediately with "How about we go to the beach?"  Um, heck yes!  We live only about an hour from the gulf and a little over an hour away from Ft. Desoto.  It's one of our favorite places but the last time we went was about two weeks before Mary-Grace was born.  You can read about that here.  When we were dating and first married we used to go the the beach all the time.  Slowly we got busy and it happened less and less.

So on Friday I headed out to get myself a new baithingsuit.  I totally stretched out the one I wore a few years ago by squeezing my 39 week pregnant self into it a few months back.  I also picked up some picnic lunch type things and a new beach blanket.  We packed up the car Friday night and headed out first thing Saturday morning.  Of course first thing with two babies doesn't happen as quickly as it did in our pre children days, but we eventually got on the road.

It was hot, very hot, but it was beautiful!  After we got set up, I fed Mary-Grace lunch and then fed Hannah. Then we took the girls for a dip in the Gulf.  Unfortunately I didn't get a picture of Hannah putting her toes in the ocean for the first time.  But she loved it!

Hannah decided to take a nice little snooze so K took Mary-Grace back into the ocean to play while I laid in the sun.  Oh how I miss laying in the sun.  It wasn't for long but it was so relaxing!  Just what I needed.  I spent some time sitting at the edge of the water with my oldest just laughing and playing in the sand.

After awhile we took a short walk around the wooded area of the park before heading home.

Mmmmm lunch!

She recently found her feet.

Sleeping to the sound of the ocean...the best kind of sleep. :)

Playing in the ocean with Daddy.  And just a little tip, when there is miles of beach, don't sit you stuff right in front of someone else. :0/

Here hair, it cracks me up!

My little mini me.

Sleeping on our walk. 

That night K ordered pizza so I didn't have to cook.  Then the next morning after I fed Hannah, he took her and handled Mary-Grace when she woke up so I could sleep in.

It was FABULOUS!

Later that day he gave me some time to finally use the awesome new sewing machine the girls got me for Mother's Day.  I cranked out two adorable pillowcase dresses for the girls to wear to Mass that night.  Unfortunately I forgot to take a picture.

It was most definitely just what I needed!  Am I magically cured?  No.  Did it help me to feel a little normal?  Absolutely!

And a few pictures from some other "good days" I've had recently...

Hannah's Baptism

I forgot to charge my camera though so we only got a few pictures. :(  Poor second child.

Fourth of July

My Hannah-Bear!  I love this kid!

Don't you just want to eat those cheeks?

Her cheeks look pretty delicious too. :)

I may be a little bias, but isn't she beautiful?

My very failed attempt to get a picture of them together.

Fun with the new bubble machine.  Best $12 I've spent in awhile!

How cute is that outfit?

Quick Takes

Has it really been almost a month since my last post? Yikes! Thank you all so much for your prayers! Here's a quick takes to update you on how things are going.

And please excuse any wonkiness... I'm doing this from my phone and it tends to do weird things.

1. The progesterone didn't do a darn thing. Nothing...nada...I feel no different. Yippie. I'm not sure where to go from here. K thinks I need to talk to someone else, perhaps to get on a low dOse of an anti depressant. He's probably right, but I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to admit that it's at that point. I know that seems silly but like I think I mentioned in my last post, I come from a scary history of mental illness in my family. I've always feared this.

2. I've been trying to do some behavioral type things to see if that helps. I take everything minute by minute (at least I try to). I'm trying to communicate my feeling and frustrations with K more. And I'm TRYING (emphasis on trying) to ask K for help when I need it. He is an AMAZING husband and wants so badly for me to feel better.

3. I treated myself to a pedicure last Saturday...ALONE. It was the first time I had been alone in over 15 months (sinceary-Grace was born). I'm not kidding when I say I haven't been alone at all since then. No grocery store trip...rarely a trip to the bathroom. I felt so selfish but deep down I knew I really needed it. I fed Hannah right before I left and since the nail salon is less than 5 minutes away I was sure I could get there and back before she was hungry again. It as a fabulous hour. I fell asleep sitting in the massage chair while she rubbed my feet. I felt great but unfortunately it only helped the immediate. However, it was very worth it and I thi k I need to try to find room in our budget to do it monthly. It's only $15 if you pay cash...I'm sure I can cut $5 from three other pieces of our budget. I'm finally realizing that my sanity is a priority.

4. Hebrews mentioned in my last post about how this may have been harder for me to admit because of my history with IF. She was so right! So, so right. I feel so ungrateful all of the time. I struggled for this. This is my dream, and it's come true, yet I'm not happy. How can that be? It seriously makes me feel horrible. Just thinking about it makes me want to burst into tears. I often feel like I need to suck it up and get over it. There are so many women who would give their right arm to be in my shoes. But I can't just get over it. I've tried.

5. Another HUGE issue is my mother. I know I've mentioned her before. I have feared my entire life that I would be like her. I still fear it. Anytime I feel like I just need to get away for a minute I wonder if I'm going to be like her. Is that how it started? Did she first feel like she just needed a minute? Then that minute turned into a few days. Then those days turned into months...then years? Is that how she abandoned us? Although there is no part of me that has an desire to walk away from my babies, I still wonder if I'm going to be like her. It is a guilt I can't shake. It breaks me.

6. The above is what makes me want to fix this! I WILL NOT DO TO MY GIRLS WHAT MY MOTHER DID TO ME! I WILL NOT! My babies deserve a mother. Hell, I deserve a mother. I will beat this, I have to! I'm beginning to wonder if I need therapy or counseling. Maybe getting to the root of my issues will help.

7. I don't want to leave this totally depressing, so instead, I'll leave with a few pictures of my lovely girls. :)

She loves her little sister and asks me constantly to hold her. :)



She also like to share her water...with Hannah's nose. Hannah does not look amused.





Big girl won't let me feed her yogurt anymore.




This little one is so happy...except when she's not. :)

Coming Clean

Last year not long after I became pregnant with Hannah I admitted to y'all that I was struggling with some PPD issues.  Looking back the issues begun shortly after Mary-Grace was born.  I ignored it as I tend to do with most things medical and hoped that it would just go away.  I'm a bit like my Nana was in that if I ignore something I convince myself that nothing is really wrong.  If I don't admit it, it isn't there.  It's a horrible coping mechanism that has done nothing but cause me problems.  You would think that after the countless issues that I have ignored that have only gotten worse, not better like my brain seems to tell me they will, I would learn to speak up when something isn't right.

Well I haven't...

After finally admitting last year that I was having issues I still chose not to treat them.  I was pregnant and didn't want to take any of the drugs that are considered "safe" while pregnant.  None of them were safe enough in my mind so, I decided to try to treat things with some behavior modifications and such.  It didn't work, but I convinced myself it did.

The other day I was supposed to have a follow up appointment with my Creighton Instructor.  I had an appointment at 6 weeks with her and began charting right away.  My cycles returned not long after that (or so I thought).  She wanted to meet with me again to make sure I remembered how to chart since I've been pregnant for the last 18 out of 24 months.  Anyway, I emailed her to reschedule my appointment.  I explained that I was still bleeding (the issues with my bleeding are a whole other post for another day...but I'm basically still bleeding...almost 12 weeks pp).  When she replied, she just happened to ask me how I was feeling.  I'm not sure what prompted this.  She actually very specifically asked me if I was anxious, sad, crying a lot, feeling despair, etc. etc.  I thought it was strange but replied to her that my anxiety is out of control and I'm feeling very overwhelmed but I have two very young babies so that should be expected right?  She responded and told me that she forwarded my email to my napro consultant, Dr. G.  She said she was worried about me and just wanted to make sure Dr. G was aware of what was going on.

To be honest, I thought she was just emailing her regarding the insane pp bleeding that no one can figure out (I've been checked, no retained placenta).  The next day I got a call from Dr. G.  Rather than focus on the bleeding she asked me a lot of questions regarding my emotional state.  I was very tempted to lie (I know that sounds horrible but it's the truth).  I am not good at admitting things that involve my mental state.  I know this is because I come from a very strong history of mental illness.  My whole life I have felt that if I admit that I'm not ok mentally people are going to think I'm crazy.  Then if people think I'm crazy I'm going to end up being just like my mom.  I know this is ridiculous, but I can't seem to shake it.  I even got up and went into my bedroom to talk to her so that K wouldn't here what I was telling her.

Once she was done with the questions she told me that it sounded like I am suffering from some pretty significant PPD.  She said thought that she did believe it is hormonal given my history  ( I believe it may also be thyroid and adrenal related but since I can't get a doctor to listen to me regarding that, I'll take what I can get).  She called in a prescription for progesterone hoping that we could treat it that way.  I cannot take PIO any longer due to an allergic reaction I had while pregnant with Mary-Grace so I will be taking 3 200mg pills everyday for 10 days.  She said within a day or two I should notice some improvement.  I'm on day 3 and nothing.  No difference what so ever.  My anxiety is out of control.

I've been trying to open up to K about this.  I have always been able to talk to him about anything.  For some reason though, I'm really struggling to talk to him about what's going on in my head.  What I'm trying to explain never seems to come out right.  Talking about it just tends to make me feel more crazy (I'm hoping writing about it helps).

This has been going on far too long! Well over a year is too long to suffer from PPD.  WAY TOO LONG!  I'm praying for some relief soon.  It makes me very sad to think back to Mary-Grace's first year and realize how much I missed because I wasn't ok.  It saddens me to think that the same thing is happening with Hannah's first year.  I need to be honest with myself and face this.  I have to make myself realize that it's ok if people think I'm crazy once they realize what is happening in my head.  It's ok, because I am not.  Obviously I'm having some serious difficulties that I need help with.  It has become very clear that I cannot do this on my own.  I have to get better for my babies.  I have realized with the help of K, that this isn't about me anymore.  I cannot be stubborn because my stubbornness will affect my babies.

I ask that you please pray for me.  I have a feeling there is a long road ahead of me.

I'm going to post next exactly how my mid has been working so y'all can understand what I mean...and to force myself to admit all of this.  I feel like admitting this is a step in the right direction.

Quick Takes

1.  I've been trying to get a post up about what really makes home births awesome...all the stuff that happens after baby is born...but haven't been able to finish it.  Partially because I'm crazy busy with a toddler (I can't believe she's a toddler) who has just started walking and currently teething 4 molars, and a newborn who doesn't sleep and doesn't nap, and partially because my brain is absolute mush.  Hannah is now 10 weeks old so I guess I need to get on that.

2.  I mentioned it above, but we have a walker!  Mary-Grace is a little over 14 months now.  Shes been cruising on furniture since about 10ish months.  At almost 13 months she started getting much braver.  At about 13.5 months she began taking steps, lots of them, but would alternate between that and crawling.  Then all of a sudden about 2 weeks ago she just took off.  She is walking all over my house.  It is so weird to be in my room and have her just come walking in.  The only downside, she no longer wants to be in her stroller or in a grocery cart.  Having Hannah means I can't always chase after her in public so strollers and carts are a must.  Grocery shopping has become very interesting lately.

3.  My cycles have already returned.  Seriously?  I breastfeed around the clock.  Same thing happened last time.  I was really hoping to get a break because they are still super screwy and super painful.  To make it even more fun I had pp bleeding until almost 9 weeks after Hannah was born.  I got a one day break and then CD1.  At least last time I got like 2 weeks.  I don't want to be one of those women who don't have cycles for over a year, but a few months would have been nice.

4.  I'm trying to think of activities for Mary-Grace to do while I'm busy feeding Hannah.  It seems that as soon as I sit down to feed her she is into something.  She usually heads to the pantry and yanks anything that is in her reach off the shelf.  Keeping the door closed all the time isn't an option because it gets super hot in there (the builders forgot the air vent) and I can't remove everything in her reach because we need the storage.  She also uses this opportunity to go running headfirst into walls, tables, etc.  I need some easy ideas to keep her entertained for 15-20 minutes.  Do you have any?

5.  I have decided that we are in desperate need of a vacation.  We took a long weekend to Disney last fall for our anniversary but I feel the need to get to the beach.  I am dying to spend a few days laying in the sand listening to the ocean.  Our favorite beach is only about 2 1/2 to 3 hours from here but it can be pricy to stay there (it's an island).  We have got to find a way to work in a vacation savings into our budget.  We haven't taken a real vacation in over 2 years.  I know that doesn't sound like long but we love to travel and I'm getting cabin fever really bad.  Besides, that vacation was to the mountains and I'm needing the beach.  It's been 4 years since we've done that.  I find that pathetic considering the state I live in.

6.  I know this may sound strange to most people, but at 14 months old we still haven't left Mary-Grace with anyone.  It started out because I was breastfeeding and despite my crazy oversupply of milk I don't respond well to a pump.  Sure I could pump enough for a few bottles but the time and effort just wasn't worth it to me.  Then I realized that I just had no desire to leave her anywhere and neither did K.  We have been together for 11 years now.  We have had 11 years of alone time and get alone time every night when she goes to bed.  We really enjoy just taking her with us wherever we go.  I'll be honest, some of it is due to my crazy anxiety as well.  It honestly gives me a panic feeling when I think about someone else watching her.  But really it doesn't matter what my reason is for not leaving her with others.  They are my reasons, and K's reasons and that's that.  I have left her with K, but only for an hour or at most two.  He's also taken her with him for an hour or two to go wherever, but that's it.  Anyway, the point is that last weekend I was chewed out and made to feel guilty because I told a family member she couldn't come pick Mary-Grace up for the day.  What frustrated me to start with is that she didn't ask me she just told me she was going to come buy one day during the week and take her for the day.  Then when I told her no, that she was welcome to come over and spend the day with us, but that I wasn't ready to let her go for the day, she started going on and on about how I need to get over it and that Mary-Grace is never going to know her.  She said that she used to take us places when we were kids and she never harmed us, yadda, yadda, yadda.  I apologized and explained that it was a lot in part to my anxiety.  She didn't care though and stormed off.  K and I talked about it later and he agreed with me that he didn't like the idea of this person (or anyone else really) taking her somewhere.  We agreed that we would be more comfortable with our children going somewhere with others when she can communicate better.  We also talked about how the first time we leave our children we would prefer that it be in our own home with someone here to watch her.  I know I'm a bit over protective, but as for right now this is working for us.  I haven't seen a movies since before I was pregnant with Mary-Grace, I'm ok with that.  I haven't had a pedicure or gone anywhere alone in 14 months, I'm ok with that.  My husband and I haven't been on a "date" alone in 14 months, we both really are ok with that.  Up until my little non-sleeper Hannah was born 2 months ago we had a date every evening after Mary-Grace went to bed.  Dates in our house are much nicer to the wallet anyway.  Our favorite bottle of wine isn't expensive at all. :)

7.  Speaking of oversupply (I mentioned it in the jumble above)...it SUCKS!  I mean seriously!  I remember before Mary-Grace was born worrying if I would have enough milk.  Forget having enough!  I have enough to feed a darn village!  I had the same problem with Mary-Grace but it seems to be 10X's worse this time.  I leak everywhere constantly.  I have to tuck a hand towel into the flap part of my nursing tanks when I feed Hannah because milk spills everywhere while she eats.  I also have to keep a separate towel or burp cloth in my hand so that when my milk lets down I can pull her off and catch it in the towel.  If I don't she chokes to the point where she can't breathe.  She is constantly stuffy and congested because of all the milk she sucks up and no amount of suctioning her nose helps.  I have started feeding her on the same side for at least 3 feedings before switching sides.  She wasn't getting nearly enough of the good, fatty, hindmilk before.  She's definitely getting that this way, I can tell when by the third feeding she finally gets that "milk drunk" look and falls asleep, but it isn't helping with the forcefulness of my let down.  It's not a huge deal at home, however it makes nursing in public really difficult.  It's very hard to be discreet when you have a baby flailing around and choking because your milk shoots out like a dang fire hose.  Hannah also can't comfort nurse because there is no such thing as nursing without much milk coming out when it involves me.  This happened with Mary-Grace too so I ended up giving her a paci.  Hannah however, wants nothing to do with a paci.  This makes for a very ticked off baby in the evenings when shes had enough to eat but just wants to nurse to sleep.  I've read that you can take very small amounts of Benedryl to decrease you supply slightly but I'm scared to do that.  I really wish Mary-Grace would have taken up nursing again after Hannah was born.  I could have used her to nurse right before feeding Hannah to help with the let down.  Does that sound horrible?  Like I'm using my first baby?