Sweet Relief

After a whirlwind of doctors who didn't seem to want to help me I finally made an appointment with my Napro doctor.  Why I didn't start with her, I have no idea.  I did talk to her back in June and she gave me progesterone.  But when that didn't work, I assumed she couldn't do anything else.  I'm not sure why.

A few weeks ago K told me I was starting to scare him.  He worried about the girls and me all day while at work.  Now, I was not at the point where I ever contemplated hurting my babies.  But I can completely understand his concern.  With my anxiety came an obsession with death.  Not that I planned on causing death, more that we were all going to die.  I worried every second of every day that one of my girls, K, myself, other family members, was going to die.  I would have these elaborate visions (I'm not sure if that's the right word) of what would happen.  It was terrifying.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't function.  I was having panic attacks every morning when K would leave for work.  I was convinced he was going to be in a accident.  I would stay awake staring at Mary-Grace's monitor because I was terrified that someone was going to break in and kidnap her.  The list could go on and on.

Last Wednesday when I met with Dr. G she was so amazing.  I almost cried because she actually listened to me.  Imagine that.  A doctor who actually listens and doesn't just dismiss you (that may sound harsh but my experience with doctors hasn't exactly been good).  We went over options and both agreed that things were bad enough that for now an antidepressant would probably be a good idea.  She had done some research prior to our meeting and we agreed on what we believed would be the safest while breastfeeding Hannah.  I understand the risks (they really are minimal) and am willing to take it.  She also agreed with me that this more than likely has a hormonal component.  She ordered bloodwork for hormones (progesterone and estrogen), a thyroid panel, as well as Vitamin D and some other things.  I'm also continuing on the injections of the vitamin cocktail my midwife prescribed me (B12, B6,B1, and Folic Acid).  Then in a few weeks I have an appointment with her again to discuss how the Zo.lof.t is working.

We also discussed the insane amount of white stickers on my chart.  Basically if it isn't red, it's white.  I guess there is a protocol for yellow stickers if you are breastfeeding and you cycle hasn't returned and some other protocol but I don't technically fit in either one of those.  She mentioned a possible cervical eversion and when I go back in we're going to check for that (I was on CD 3 so checking wasn't an option).  She also prescribed vaginal progesterone for some point after my peak day (I can't remember exactly when right now).  She said sometimes that helps dry up the constant cm.

I started taking the zo.lo.ft the very next day.  She told me it may take a while for me to notice a difference.  Nope, I noticed a difference the first day.  I cannot tell you the relief I feel.  I'm still having some strange thoughts but they are not crippling anymore.  I have the thoughts and I can sort of push them from my mind.  I haven't had a single panic attack since I started taking it.  That's huge!  I've been having daily ones for months.  I haven't cried over silly things either.  I can't tell you how long it's been since I haven't cried.  It's been amazing!  K is no longer getting frantic texts from me throughout the day telling him about how I'm losing it and I can't do it anymore.  I know he must feel so much better.  His stress level is high enough without worrying about whether or not his wife is going off the deep end.  And believe me, that was not a far fetched worry.  I honestly believed I had one foot in the door of a hospital.  It was that bad.

Antidepressants is definitely not where I wanted to go.  But I had to realize that I need to take care of my family and I wasn't able to do that.  I had to put a lot of pride aside, admit that I couldn't do it alone, and recognize that this wasn't about me, it's about my girls.  My girls deserve a mother who is present with them and can handle life.

I'm so thankful for all of you who have been praying for me and who have send encouraging emails and texts.  I cannot tell you how they helped get me through some really dark days.  I'm definitely still at the beginning of this journey, but I feel like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I was beginning to think there wasn't a light.

Quick Takes

Yes, I know it's Saturday... :)  Here we go...


1.  Some days I think things are getting better, then other days they appear to be getting worse.  Much, much worse.  I honestly don't have the energy to explain everything that has happened as far as me seeing a counselor, a doctor, and my midwife over the past few weeks in order to get to the root and fix my anxiety.  Let's just say counseling is going well, my doctor was a joke, and my midwife is amazing!  I am now on B12 shots (daily for now, then lowering) and have an appointment with a doctor on Wednesday who comes highly recommended from my midwife (it's her doctor).  I am praying he has answers for me.

2.  I'm throwing a baby shower early next month for my youngest sister who is having a little boy in October.  I'm broke and have very little time.  Anyone have any suggestion for inexpensive and easy baby shower type things?  I want it to be nice but I can't go into debt over it and I'm really, really lacking in extra hours in each day.

3.   My sweet Mary-Grace has definitely entered the toddler phase.   With that comes tantrums, lots and lots of tantrums.  I love this kid but man is she dancing on my last nerve.  Her new favorite thing is to throw things.  Unfortunately somethings these things land on her little sisters head.

4.  I have lived in Florida my whole life but I can no longer take the heat and humidity.  It is seriously like a freaking sauna outside.  I hate to even walk to the mailbox.  I'm ready to move.

5.  I think Hannah may be an early crawler.  At 4 1/2 months she is able to scoot on her belly all over the place.  Cracks me up.  I think she's trying to keep up with her big sister.

6.  Mary-Grace finished up swim lessons last week.  She definitely can't swim on her own yet but she is doing amazing and K learned all the tools to keep teaching her.  Living in Florida, knowing how to swim is not an option.

7.  Last night a good friend of mine from high school came over with her fiance for dinner.  She live about an hour away so we rarely see each other anymore.  It was so nice and just what I needed.  And she brought wine and chocolate.  I love her.  :)  I made this as one of our sides.  SO GOOD!  I plan on adding a little mozzarella and maybe some basil for lunch one day this week.  YUM!!!

Why I Love My Husband

...Because he fights for me when I can't or don't have the will to fight for myself.  Because he picks up the slack when I don't have the energy.  Because he calls doctors, makes appointments, and asks questions when I don't have the courage.  Because he pushes me to at least try, even when I feel like it is pointless.  Because he encourages me to have hope even when it looks hopeless.  Because he holds me tight and cries with me when I feel like my world is collapsing.  Because he loves me no matter how difficult I am...no matter what.  Because he tells me I'm beautiful every day, even when I'm still in the same pj's that I was when he left for work.

I am a blessed woman.  So very, very blessed.

Two Years

Two years ago today I entered the church.  You can read about my conversion here.

That same weekend we found out about our sweet Peanut.

You can read about the actual weekend here and here.

Then a little less than one year later it happened again!

And no, I'm not coming here to announce a number 3.  We have to get my head right first.

The past two years have been a wild ride!  It's overwhelming to think of all of the blessings K and I have received.  And while things aren't so great as far as my mental state at the moment, I will always, always be so thankful for my two beautiful babies, and the Catholic Church.

This really is my dream come true.

Please ignore the robe and pj pants. :) This was taken 2 days after Hannah's birth.

My Plan

I had a horrible weekend (and Monday).  HORRIBLE!  My anxiety was at an all time high and I had a panic attack that I thought for sure was going to land me in a psychiatric ward.  It was bad, really, really, bad.  I wrote about it but for the time being have decided not to post it.  I feel like for right now I need to try to move forward and think about what I need to do to fix this.  I do not want to live like this.  I cannot continue to live like this.  It's not an option.

First of all K and I are desperately searching for a therapist.  I found a website that helps you to find Catholic ones, however there were only 2 listed for the state of Florida.  One was about 6 hours North of me, the other 6 hours South.  That certainly won't work.  So how the heck to I pick a person to bare the depths of my soul to?  I can pull our insurance provider list up.  But how does that help me pick someone I'm compatible with?  Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.  I do believe that this PPD is hormonal in nature, but I also believe that some of it is some deep routed issues from my past (specifically involving my mother).  I need to talk this out with a professional.

Next, exercise.  I used to be an athlete.  I played softball from the time I was 6 until 18.  I played competitively on a travel team as well as a regular league.  I also ran track in high school.  I loved it and remember it being a great way to blow off steam.  An injury sidelined me and I just never got back into any of it once I recovered.  I've gotten terribly out of shape since and it's caused my self-esteem to tank.  K is a runner so I decided what the heck, why don't I get back into running.  Last week I started C25K and we have a love/hate relationship.  I like that it's getting my heart pumping but I really despise running.  I loath it.  But I'm determined to stick with it.

I was at a baby shower about 2 weeks ago and this woman started telling me about this thing called Stro.ller Sr.rides.  It's a way of exercising with your babies in a stroller.  It sounded interesting but when I looked it up it was a bit expensive, especially if I paid for it and didn't like it.  Well I just saw it as a Livi.ngSoc.ial deal at over 50% off.  I decided it was a sign and bought it.  I'll be starting that next week.

So the plan?
Monday, Wednesday, Friday - Sro.ller St.rides
Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday - C25K
Sunday - Rest

I'm hoping the exercise helps burn off some steam and lessens my anxiety.  If anything, it should at least help me to get into shape and boost my self-esteem.

I'm also working on cleaning and organizing my house.  I've never been a super neat person and I am bad about clutter.  It never used to bother me but it definitely does now.  In fact, clutter and mess is what caused one of my anxiety attacks this past weekend.  So, I'm working on a list of every area of the house that needs to be decluttered and deep cleaned.  I plan to make them small areas that will take me no more than 30 minutes to clean.  I want to work on one area each night after Mary-Grace goes to bed.

I think meal planning is a huge piece of organization.  I've been doing it weekly but I think I'm going to switch to monthly.  I also want to include int his menu snacks, breakfast (mostly for MG) and lunch (again, mostly for MG).  I also want to work in one day a month where I make a few freezer meals for those days when nothing seems to be going right and we need something easy.

I'm also working on a housekeeping schedule.  Of course certain things have to be done daily (dishes, counters, etc).  But I want a weekly schedule for things like vacuuming, mopping, laundry (the girls, mine and K's, sheets/towels, and diapers), bathrooms, dusting, grocery shopping, etc.  I'm hoping that some sort of schedule will help things not get away from me so I won't get so overwhelmed.

Not to mention prayer.  My prayer life has slipped terribly since Hannah's birth.  I just don't find the time and I need to.  I've decided to buy a prayer journal.  I do better when I write so why not write my prayers?  I learned about prayer journals when I took a prayer seminar thing while I was pregnant with Mary-Grace.  It was amazing and I need to get back to the things I learned.  I'm going to go buy myself a nice, pretty journal that I love and a nice pen so it will encourage me to use it.  I know that may sound silly, but I've always had a thing for stationary and office supplies.

Any other suggestions?  I'm open to everything and willing to try almost anything.

Wordless Wednesday

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse they typos. My phone thinks it's smarter than me.

Charting *Updated*

Well look at me posting two days in a row.  I haven't done that since before Mary-Grace was born.

Not that many of you will really want to read this post.  It's going to be full of way, way too much information.  I mean really.  So, if you're not up for reading about blood, and cm, and what's not happening in this house, stop now.  Just turn and run. I won't be offended.

Alright, you've been warned.

After MG was born I had postpartum bleeding for what is considered longer than "usual".  I want to say it was 7-8 weeks.  After it stopped my cycles came back about 2 weeks later.  They were horribly painful but my chart looked pretty good.  Eight days of bleeding (which is actually good for me) followed by some green stickers about 7 white and lots of pretty green (I say pretty green because prior to MG I never ever had green stickers with the exception of the cycle we conceived).  I only had about one day or so of TEBB (which is FABULOUS for me) and all looked normal.  Although I was irritated at the quick cycle return I was happy that my body seemed to actually be doing something right with no help.

This time around.  Oh my goodness...it's insane.  I had postpartum bleeding for I think about 10ish weeks.  I can't remember exactly (I wasn't charting yet).  Then I had 2 days of white stickers followed by 8 red.  Then 3 more white, 10 red, 5 white, 1 red, 1 white, 11 red, and now I'm on my 13th white.  That is not normal.  I know they say that almost anything is normal while breastfeeding, but this can't be normal.  I'm over it and longing to see a green sticker and some sort of sign of something fairly normal.

We are absolutely avoiding a baby right now.  Partly due to the fact that I just had 2 babies in 1 year (my body needs to heal), partly due to ppd (my mental state needs to improve), and largely in part to what I just mentioned above (obviously I'm not healthy and fear it would not be a healthy pregnancy).

Well if you noticed, there is not one green sticker above, and I'm currently just over 14 weeks postpartum, coupled with the fact that I was huge and pregnant and didn't want to be touched, you do the math on what hasn't happened in a really,really long time.

All I know is that I have one really really patient husband.

I'm guessing I need some bloodwork.  But when would I do it?  Typically it's timed around certain points in your cycle.  Well, I have no clue where I am in my cycle...would you even consider any of this a cycle?

When I got pregnant with Hannah so quickly, I thought my body must be healed.  Maybe we finally figured it all out and I didn't have any issues anymore.  Not so much.  

So, do any of you charting experts have any idea what's going on? I'm at the end of my rope.  This is not fun. 


*I had my appointment with Angela last night.  Right away she said I definitely needed some yellow stickers.  She explained it to me but said I had to do some sort of essential sameness test each day for 2 weeks then I'll go back in and get the stickers.  It seems easy enough so that's our new plan.  I can see where there is definitely room for human error as far as avoiding but we aren't super concerned.  While we don't plan to actively try at the moment for the above mentioned reasons, we are always open to life.  And should God see fit to bless us again then we'll be grateful for that.  His plan always ends up better than my plan anyway.

We also discussed the crazy bleeding.  The good news is that I've had 13 full days without any bleeding.  My hope is that that's all behind us now.  I've got a call in to my Napro doc but I'm thinking it was so sort of wacky postpartum thing.  Angela said she's seen this 2 other times.  And while it's not "normal," they couldn't find anything wrong with her other clients either.  I have been checked (a few weeks back) for retained placenta.  That wasn't the issue.  But like I said.  I have a call in to Dr. G so we'll get her take.

So the plan for now is yellow stickers until this lets up or until I have my first real cycle.  She explained that all of this CM doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong.  She said it's fairly common in women who are breastfeeding.  She also told me about something called cervical eversion.  It is something that can happen due to oral contraception use or vaginal delivery.  It's basically an inflammation of the cervix.  It's not uncommon and I guess if you aren't charting you probably wouldn't really notice the excess mucus.  It doesn't really seem to cause health problems but it can be fixed in a doctor's office with a little cauterization.  We'll see what Dr. G thinks.

Can I just say how much my mood has changed just since last night.  I think all of this craziness was really starting to weigh me down.  It's not fun bleeding for that long.  It's exhausting.  Thank you all for your prayers and advice.  You ladies rock!