Long time, no blog...

Have I really not posted in 3 months?  Sheesh!  It has been busy, busy, busy.  And I've actually been working on a new blog, but obviously it isn't up and running yet.  This place just doesn't feel like home to me anymore.  I've been wanting a change for awhile.  Who knew it would take so dang long?!?!  I'm guessing the one and two year old living in my house have something to do with that. :)

 

When I started this blog, it was a place to vent and find other women like me who were dealing with infertility/subfertility.  I was so happy to find this community of women who were using Napro.  No one I knew in real life knew what it was.  No one in real life knew we were struggling to have a baby.  Then finally, after several years, we welcomed our sweet Mary-Grace.  We were elated.  We knew she was a miracle, and wondered if she'd be our only.  We were ok with whatever God blessed us with, but hoped that my fertility was healed.

 

Then 4 short months later we got a major shock (probably even more shocking than finding out about Mary-Grace) when we found out that we were expecting baby #2.  How could this be?  We were shocked and amazed.  And although we were nervous at the thought of having 2 not even a year apart, we were excited.

 

Then after Hannah was born something very unexpected set in.  PPD.  Not fun.  Not fun at all!  Of course my cycles returned immediately.  They did after Mary-Grace as well, despite breastfeeding.  We decided, along with the advice of our Napro doc, to avoid for awhile.   I obviously needed to get my emotional wellbeing back in check.  My body needed a rest.  And I was on antidepressants.  Yes, they are the ones considered safe while pregnant when the benefit outweighs the risk, and I was on the minimum dose, but not taking meds while pregnant is always better than taking them if they can be avoided.

 

My hope was to wean off the meds right around Hannah's first birthday so we could begin trying again.  And I did try.  But it didn't go well at all.  It was horrible in fact.  So I decided to wait, and ttc would be put on hold.  Then after talking so some friends who have been there, I realized I came down too fast on my dose.  I decided to go much much slower.  Currently I am down to 1/4 of the dose I was taking before.  That's a very good thing!

 

We started talking about trying again soon.  A quarter is really not much at all.  But then another health concern popped up that changed things.  Well, not really popped up.  It has been hear for years, I just couldn't get a doctor to listen.  After a decent doc, lots of bloodwork, and a thyroid ultrasound, I went in last Friday for a thyroid biopsy.  Apparently, some of the nodules I've had for awhile have changed on there is calcification in one of them.  The procedure really wasn't that bad.  Weird, but not bad.  Tomorrow I find out the results.  I'm nervous.  But happy to finally, hopefully, get some answers.

 

Before the procedure the nurse offered me some Ativan.  She said it would help me relax.  Of course prior to this they made me take a pregnancy test.  K was sitting next to me and I saw the grin on his face.  He was really hoping it would come back positive.   We weren't "trying" but we didn't exactly avoid so well either.  The test came back negative (I knew no matter what it would because I knew I wasn't far enough post peak).  I saw the disappointment on his face.  He has wanted another baby for quite some time now.

 

Fast forward to this past Monday.  I was updating my chart since K had been slacking for several days.  I counted how many days post peak I was... 12.  That's strange, I never go past 11, and that's with progesterone.  I counted again. And again.  Then I counted the past several cycles.  Eleven, each and every time.  Weird.  So I texted a friend.  She pushed and pushed and pushed...so I bought a test.  Actually I bought 3.  I took the test, set it on the counter and anxiously watched.  There was no way I was pg.  I mean, we only didn't "avoid" once.  And I used to be infertile.  What are the odds?

 

Apparently pretty high because it came back POSITIVE!

 

To say I was shocked is an understatement.  Of course K was at work.  I didn't want to tell him over the phone so I put Hannah in one of Mary-Grace's "Big Sister" shirts and was going to wait to see how long it took him to notice.  But I'm impatient.  So not 5 minutes after he got home I couldn't stand that he didn't notice, so I just told him to read Hannah's shirt.  It took what felt like FOREVER for him to figure it out.  In fact, I think he's still processing.  Since he had been slacking on my chart he assumed since the pregnancy test 3 days prior came back negative it wasn't possible.

 

 

It's a cruddy iphone pic, but it's the only one I took.

 

 

We are beyond excited!  But can't help but be a little nervous too.  I still have to get my biopsy results tomorrow.  This obviously throws a little wrench in things.  My fear is that I have cancer.  And while thyroid cancer isn't typically life threatening, being pregnant certainly will make things a bit more interesting.  I'm not sure if they would want to do surgery anyway.  I'm not sure I'm willing to do that.  I just don't know.  I'm trying desperately not to worry.  To let go and let God.  But it's hard.  I'm a worrier.  I have an anxiety.  This is anxiety inducing.  So if you can, I'd LOVE some prayers regarding my appointment tomorrow morning. :)  And a HUGE thank you in advance.

 

 

And obviously, we haven't announced this to everyone yet...so please no Facebook mentions please. :)

 

Quick Takes

Yes, yes...I know it's Monday.  I guess I'm 3 days late...or 4 days early...depending on how you want to look at it.

 

 

1.  Mary-Grace came home after 5 days in the hospital.  When she left her right lung was still crackly.  However, it was such an improvement that the pediatrician thought we could manage it at home.  The following Tuesday we had a follow up with her doctor.  Again, her right lung was still crackly.  In addition to the 3x a day Albuterol breathing treatments, he prescribed a steroid that we do 2x a day (also with the machine)  So basically I have to get an almost 2 year old to sit still for 15 minutes 5x a day.  Um...yeah.  It's fun.

 

2.  Apparently kids who are hospitalized with RSV have a 40% increase in asthma risk.  That goes up with pneumonia (which she had).  And then goes up even higher with family history of asthma (K had terrible asthma as a child).  So, her pediatrician said rather than rent the breathing machine we should just look into buying it.  Odds are, she will have asthma.  The hope is that if we have the machine and medication on hand we can save ourselves an emergency room visit. 

 

3.  During our ordeal I witnessed so much that is wrong with our healthcare system.  Oh my gosh!  I don't want to get into to much detail right now because I'm still extremely annoyed and angry...but I want to touch on a few things.

 

*When we arrived at the ER that Tuesday evening MG's respiration was DOUBLE what it should have been.  Her heart rate was also far above normal.  She had a fever of 104.9 and she was have retractions with each breath (that is very, very bad).  We were told by triage that there were lots of other children in the waiting room but that MG was second in line to go back because they take people based on severity.  She said we might wait 30 minutes if that because 2 beds were vacant and just needed to be cleaned.  We waited 5 hours!  Now I know that 5 hours in an ER isn't that long (I once waited 12).  However, for a 23 month old who is has all of the above issues...it is a very long time.  Especially when I saw a child taken back for stitches in his forehead and another for a splinter in his heal.

 

*We made the mistake of going to the closest hospital that has a pediatric unit but is not an actual children's hospital.  The people we dealt with were UNBELIEVABLE!  It's like they have never worked with a toddler in their lives.  The nurse we had was HORRIFIC!  The pediatrician asked her to get MG a popsicle since she hadn't eaten in 5 days at this point.  He wanted to see if we could get some calories in her because she was becoming quite lethargic.  She was obviously annoyed that she had to do this.  It took her 30 minutes to bring it.  Then she came back an hour later and noticed that MG hadn't eaten any.  She got mad!  She was like "the doctor says she has to eat it!"  I told her that he wanted her to try and we did try, but there was no way I could force her to do it.  Have you ever tried to force a 2 year old to do anything?  Yeah, not going to happen.  She then stormed off.  Um...ok.  Once they decided that she needed to be admitted they wanted to get an IV started to get some fluids in her and get some blookwork.  Now, I knew they were going to have to do something to hold her down.  I completely understand this.  The nurse came in with one of the guys who transports patients.  He basically swaddled her in a sheet super tight with the exception of the arm that needed to be out for the IV.  I asked the nurse to do it in her left hand since she favors her right.  She told me no because her table (that is small and on wheels) was already on the right side so that's where she was going to do it.  Then the tech held her down (again, totally get this) while the nurse began the IV.  At this point, MG started flipping out.  She was screaming.  It was gut wrenching.  She kept saying "I don't want it anymore!" which is what she says when she's super upset.  So what does the nurse keep saying to her?  "Well, that's not really your choice right now, is it?"  Seriously???  The poor girl is terrified and you can't even be the slightest big comforting?

 

*They told us we were being admitted at 1:00AM.  We didn't get up to pediatrics until 6:00AM.  The nurse in the ER kept saying they didn't have a bed available for her yet.  When we went up there I noticed empty room after empty room.  Then the nurse up there says to me "We've been waiting a long time for you guys."  I asked her what she meant and she said they had the room ready hours ago.  Apparently they had her bed ready 30 minutes after she was admitted and called down to the ER to send her up.  I don't even know what to say about that.

 

*The final straw that made me want to wring someone's neck was when I got a phone call on Friday from the financial person at the hospital wanting me to settle our bill right then, over the phone.  First of all, I never pay for anything over the phone, EVER!  Just not a good idea.  Second of all, I need to see an itemized bill.  I have had hospitals charge me for things I didn't receive numerous times.  And third of all, MY KID HASN'T EVEN BEEN DISCHARGED!  I'm sorry, that was so not my top priority at the moment.  I have every intention of paying our bill, but sheesh.

 

 

Ok, rant over.  I needed that vent!

 

4.  I talked to a friend of mine who is a nurse the other day about how Mary-Grace has been acting since we've been home.  This was obviously a huge ordeal for her and she seems to be pretty traumatized by it.  She is extremely clingy.  She throws up every time I have to give her medicine.  Flips out if I leave the room for two seconds.  And she is still babying the hand that had the IV and asking me to kiss it.  If you could spare a prayer or two for her, that would be so wonderful.

 

Alrighty...onto better, happier things.

 

5.  This past Saturday we had a birthday party for the girls.  It was so much fun!  I can't believe my first baby is going to be two on Thursday and my second baby one on Saturday.  Time flies so fast.  As soon as I (and by I, I mean Kevin) uploads the pictures to my computer, I'll post them.

 

6.  We have 2 beach trips planned!  And we don't have to pay or either one!  Free vacation!  Woohoo!  The first one is in mid April.  Kevin's brother and his new wife have a timeshare up in Destin.  It's a 3 bedroom condo on the beach and they invited us to go with them.  So basically we just have to pay for our food.  Awesome!  And since it's a condo we have a kitchen which is so nice when traveling with kiddos.  The second trip is to The Breakers in Ft. Lauderdale with Kevin's job.  We went a few years ago, pre kids.  It was amazing and such a beautiful place.  There is absolutely no way we could afford to stay at a place like this.  Because it's a business trip, it's all expenses paid...even for me and the girls.  K works for a small company so this is kind of a perk.  Unfortunately K will have to be in classes most of the time so he'll miss a lot of time on the beach.  But I know the girls and I will have a blast while we hang out with Kevin's cousin's wife (they work together) and their daughter.

 

7.  Tonight I'm picking up a half dose prescription of my Zoloft.  I'm going to take that for a week then break that in half for a week or so...then try to stop.  I can't believe it's already been 6 months of this.  I'm excited to finally be off (hopefully), but extremely nervous about side effects and possibly not being ready to stop taking it.  Right now I feel great!  I mean, I hosted a party on Saturday for about 50 people and didn't freak out once.  My daughter was in the hospital and I didn't panic once.  That is AMAZING for me.  A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!  I have way, way more good days than bad.  And when I do have a bad one, it's not terrible.  Everyone has bad days, right?  That's totally normal.  So again, if you have a prayer or two to spare for me over the next couple of weeks, I would be so appreciative.  And also, if you've ever weaned off of Zoloft or something similar and you would be willing to share your experience, that would be so wonderful.  :)

*UPDATE* Prayers For Mary-Grace

It's been a long, long week with Mary-Grace. I'll explain later...but for now we've been admitted to the hospital. She has RSV and the flu. She hasn't eaten in 6 days. Please pray for a quick recovery, that she will eat something, and that this migraine I have from now being up for 29 hours will go away. Oh, and that Hannah stays healthy.






*** I just spoke with the pediatrician at the hospital. Mary-Grace's X-rays came back showing early signs of viral pneumonia. We definitely aren't leaving today. Please keep praying!
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Help Me!

I have never been a very organized person.  When I was younger my room was always messy  a complete disaster.  The ironic part of this, is that clutter and disorganization drive me batty.  I seriously cannot think clearly when things are a mess.  But for some reason I just can't seem to figure out a system.  I try, I really do.  I bought little baskets for our "junk" drawer.  I organized it but it always gets super messy again.  I organize my pots and pans cabinets and two weeks later they are cluttered and it's dangerous to open them again.  And don't even get me started on the pantry, fridge, and my craft closet.

 

I need your help!  I know some of you are awesomely organized.  Help a sister out.

 

I'm thinking the first place I want to start is with a cleaning schedule.

 

Did anyone see this on FB?  This is me to a T!

So what's your schedule?  Or how did you come up with one?  Be specific!  Talk to me like a 5 year old.  I'm slow. :)

 

Also, meal planning.  I've tried it and yet I keep failing miserably.  How do you do it?  Do you have a system?  HELP!

 

Quick Takes

 

1. I made my first trip EVER to Hobby Lobby on Tuesday.  I didn't think we had any down here but I was wrong.  There is one about 30 minutes away.  I know that sounds far but I have to drive into the next town to go to Joann's or Michaels and that's also 30 minutes away.  Where I live you just get used to driving everywhere.  Anyway, it's the opposite direction of where I usually go - but whatever.  I was so worried that it wouldn't live up to what I built it up to in my mind.  Let me tell you, it did not disappoint!  I had to seriously restrain myself in there.  So much awesomeness in one place.  I'll be going back very, very soon!

2.  After spending a ridiculous amount of time in HL, Mary-Grace was telling me how hungry she was.  Well, telling me in toddler speak which involves signing more rapidly while saying "eat!" over and over again.  So I decided what the heck!  I took her to Chick- Fil-A and figured we'd just round out our day supporting Christian businesses.

3.  We also made a pit stop at Target where I successfully chased down my toddler who took her shoes off and ran while I simultaneously nursed Hannah in her ring sling.  This probably wouldn't have been so hard with an infant.  But an almost 18 pound, 29 inch, 9 month old...um not so simple.  I may have pulled a muscle.

4.  Well of course the above trip to HL resulted in some crafting (duh!).  I have been searching all over creation for burlap ribbon and I finally found it!  And to make it even better, it was 1/2 off!  So, that with a wire wreath form, some silk flowers, and an "M" I already had, I created this wreath for our front door. Please excuse the crappy iPhone pictures. :)

 

 

 

The only think that would make it better is cotton bols rather than the hydrangeas.  But maybe a certain blogger buddy who also happens to love cotton will stick a few in the mail for me.  Hint! Hint! ;)

I also did these...

I actually got the frames from Ikea for $2 a piece.  I got the paper and the "M" from HL and decided not to put the glass on the frames.  Right now they are on our TV stand, but once we finish painting they will be hanging on the wall.

5.  Speaking of painting.  The color of the inside of my house was driving me nuts.  It was a very pale green and I was just sick of it.  I decided awhile back I wanted to paint (like before I was pregnant with Mary-Grace).  Well, I finally got Kevin on board with it.  It took FOREVER for me to pick a color.  We had sample paint spots all over our walls for the longest time.  A few weeks ago we finally made a decision and I have been very, very slowly working on getting this place painted.  Let me just say, painting your house when you have to very young babes is insanity at it's finest.  I'm not sure we're ever going to finish.

6.  The pictures from above are from a family photo session we got on groupon and had taken back in November.  It was our first professional pictures since our wedding.  We were so pleased with how they turned out!  Here's a sampling onslaught...

 

 

 

 

7.  That's all she wrote folks! I'll leave you with this picture of my baby girl acting like a big girl.

Why is she standing? Where is my baby? Waaaaa!

Why I Love My Husband

* I can't get the cute picture to load so just pretend it's right here.  And go visit Kaitlin for more "Why I Love My Husband!

 

 

 

 

He tells me I'm beautiful and that he thinks I'm sexy every.single.day.  I know this sounds like it's no big deal, but to me it really is.  I've always had self-esteem issues.  Even when I was scary small and very underweight.  Well, hormone issues and two babies in 12 months have not helped that at all.  I'm far above a weight I'm comfortable with and it's not coming off.  It doesn't seem to matter what I eat.  Super healthy?  Doesn't budge.  Not so healthy?  Doesn't budge.  I'm assuming breastfeeding has a bit to do with it.  Or so I keep reading.

 

He listens to me complain about it regularly and just reminds me that I am beautiful and that he thinks I'm sexy.  Sexier than I was when I was skinny.

 

And to make it sweeter, he told me to go get the gym membership I've been wanting.  I'm super excited to drop the girls off at the gym daycare for an hour a few days a week and get my heart pumping a bit.  Even if I don't lose a single pound, I know I'll be stronger and healthier.  Woot!

New Year!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 

 

Am I the only one happy to see 2012 go?  Don't get me wrong, they year wasn't all bad.  We did welcome our sweet Hannah.  But man, oh man, was it a tough year!  I'm praying 2013 goes a little smoother.

 

I'm not usually one to make resolutions.  I feel like no matter what, I break them a week into it.  Well this year I've decided to change that.  I'm making several resolutions because I've got some serious work to do here.

 

1. Keep my resolutions. :)

2. Get organized!  Our life needs some serious organization.  I'm working on filing important papers, cleaning out closets, rooms, the garage, etc.  It's much needed and it feels so good to de-clutter.

3. Revamp the budget and stick with it.

4. Get out of debt!  We were able to refinance our house at a much lower interest rate in December and K got a pretty dang good Christmas bonus (much to our surprise!) so we are going to pay off my car.  This will free up some much needed money.  We're going to try to beef up our savings as well as pay off that pesky credit card from when we were younger and not so smart.

5. Get in shape!  I've given up the goal of being as thin as I was when K and I met.  It's ridiculous to think that I could get back there.  Especially considering that I was underweight.  My new goal is to be healthy and just accept whatever size that may be.  I have a number in mind, but if I'm toned and healthy I'm flexible with that.

6.  Cook home cooked meals every day with the exception of twice a month.  We have fallen into the habit of eating out far too much.  It's not good for our wallets or our waistline.

7.  Go to confession once a month.

8.  Get dressed daily.  Staying at home makes it easy to be frumpy.  I want to purposefully make myself look presentable everyday.  This includes make up and hair.  He would never say anything, but I know my hubby can't possibly enjoy coming home to me still in my pj's.

9.  Write down in a journal a positive memory for each day.

10.  Blog at least once a week.  I'm actually working on a major revamp that may include a new name.  I need a change and hopefully this will help keep up with this goal.

 

As a family we are also going to work on a family rosary each evening (we're beginning with just a decade with the girls).

 

I really pray I can keep up with this!  I know I can do it.  Maybe one of my resolutions should have been to not be so lazy and to not procrastinate. :)