Can't Sleep

So it's like 12:45 am...way, way past my bedtime.  I tried to go to sleep, really I did, but I just can't.  I just can't seem to shut my crazy little brain off.  There is so much swimming around up there it's enough to drive a person to the crazy house.

The big thing swimming in my brain is my "coming home."  It's on my mind constantly.  I'm so happy, excited, amazed, joyful, nervous, anxious, etc. etc.  I honestly have no idea how to put my feelings into any words that make even the slightest bit of sense.  I was telling dh today that the feelings are so similar to the feelings I had leading up to our wedding day.  I have a feelings that my emotions on that day will be very similar too.  I'm sure tears will be shed.  DH sent out an email to his family tonight letting them know.  We've already received a few responses and I was so happy to read the kind words that some of his aunts had to say.  I got a little teary reading them.  Honestly, I feel like I need to soak up every feeling and every thought in these upcoming weeks.  I want to forever ingrain all of this in my mind.  I don't want to forget what brought me to this point in my life.  I want to remember everything so that I can always grow and always have this foundation to fall back on.

Infertility of course is always on my mind as well.  I have such mixed emotions.  Like I mentioned in my post earlier today I feel like I am subconsciously trying to sabotage our trying.  It's fear I know.  Fear of another failed cycle.  Fear of another CD1 heartbreak.  Like I said before, thankfully dh is here to keep me in check.  I'm so glad he is, I know that if we didn't use a "good" day I would always wonder if that was the day we needed to finally conceive.  Make sense?

My job has also been a huge source of stress lately.  I'm just not happy with it.  I know this is terrible to say, but I feel like I am just buying time until we do have children and I can stay home with them.  The tears have been a flowin' lately and dh can't stand to see me so upset.  He on numerous occasions has told me to just quit.  But I can't seem to bring myself to do it.  We could make it with only his income, but there would be absolutely no extras.  No cable, no gym memberships, no putting money into savings.  I don't know that I want to live like that right now.  DH is due for a raise, which would make a huge difference.  I've been praying about it, trying to figure out what I should do but I can't come up with a decision.  I don't want to make a decision based on emotions.  There has been so much drama revolving around my job lately that I don't want that to be what sways me in a particular direction...although, according to dh, all the drama is exactly what should sway me in a particular direction.

On a much happier note (I really hate how my posts seem to be so negative lately), I am going to pick out paint colors tomorrow.  Our living room/kitchen/dining room is getting a makeover!  I'm so stinkin' excited!  Maybe I'll post before and after pictures.

Oh, and apparently dh told his family (in the email about my joining the Church) that I have been making rosaries...well two of his aunts want to buy several from me.  Woohoo!  I just started making them for fun, because I wanted to do something crafty, because I needed to do something with my hands.  I figured I would give them as gifts (dh had other plans though).  This is pretty cool too thought.  I'm thinking about getting into making some jewelry too.  Now that would be cool to sell!

I guess I should apologize for any run-ons and misspelled words.  I'm too tired to proof read.  Not that that helps much seeing as my dyslexia makes that difficult.  Did I ever mention that I am dyslexic?  Well I am.  It mainly affects my spelling and sometimes I switch numbers around.  Fortunately my reading isn't affected...that I am good at.

Quick Takes on Thursday

I'm doing my Quick Takes today because DH will be getting off from work early tomorrow and we are having a BBQ with the neighbors.  Yippee!  I love BBQs!

1.  DH brought to my attention that I made a mistake.  I will not be receiving my first communion on the 25th.  Nope, nope nope!  I will be receiving it on the 18th.  Woohoo!  I am doing my first confession on the 17th and Deacon A said I would receive the following Sunday.  I took that as the next week when in fact the following Sunday is the next day.  I had dh email Deacon A and turns out he's right.  Not too often that you'll catch me admitting to that.  :)

2.  I think IF is making my brain think some wonky things.  I think subconsciously I may be trying to sabotage our ttc-ing.  I have had excellent cm the past 2 days (10KL AD) and my mind has been telling me not to try.  I don't get it at all.  Fortunately dh hasn't been having these same thoughts so when he asks what to write on my chart he knows it's a baby day.  I'm telling you, if the charting was totally up to me I think I would be tempted to not use the good days.  I can't figure out what the heck is wrong with me.  I think maybe it's fear or something.

3.  DH is sending out an email to his family tonight telling them of the news about me coming into the Church.  I don't know exactly why but I am so flippin' nervous.  I'm thinking for the most part everyone is going to be really happy.  However, there are a few that I worry about.  I'm afraid they will question my intentions.  Not that they have any reason to, but because that's just how they are.  One day I'll have to write a whole post about this craziness.  I'm thinking it may take up a few posts.

4. I've been off work for a few weeks now and I am loving it!  Oh how I wish I could be a stay at home wife.  This is totally amazing!  The house has never been this clean.  I'm working on re-organizing the whole house and every closet one room at a time.  I'm also looking into to doing some repainting on the inside.  DH thinks this is silly seeing as the house is only 4 years old but I don't care.  I need a change.  I've been trying out tons of new recipes and working on all kinds of crafts.  I've made several rosaries.  I love them all but have no clue what to do with all of them.  I'm just hanging onto them for now.  They may become gifts.  I'm also thinking about busting out the sewing machine that I just had to have right after dh and I got married that I never learned to use.  Maybe I'll figure the darn thing out.

5.  Speaking of being a SAHW.  If I hear one more women's lib hippie tell me that being a SAHW or SAHM is degrading to women my head may explode.  Whenever this comes up and I mention that that is what I want (dh wants it as well) I can feel the daggers shooting out of people's eyes.  I realize that staying at home isn't for everyone and it isn't possible for everyone.  However, I don't think that me wanting to stay home makes me any less intelligent or free.  I love the traditional family where dad works and mom stays home with the children.  The thought of ever putting my children in daycare makes me physically ill.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting women who do do this down, it's just now what I want.  It just urks me not no end.

6.  So I've been writing down some notes to take into confession with me.  Is that weird?  From what I understand I need to try to confess all of my sins from the time that I was baptized.  Right?  Well...that was nearly 15 years ago.  That's a lot of sins to be confessing.  Obviously I'm not going to remember everything but I sure want to try to remember everything I can.  I'm so nervous that I am afraid that when I get in there I will forget what my name is let alone any sins.  Am I totally crazy?

7.  DH and I were trying to come up with some witty responses to the "So when are you guys going to have a baby?" question.  I've really been at a loss for words on what to say and dh ever the comedian thought it would be fun to same something totally off the wall that would either make people laugh or leave them pondering.  In the end he was hoping that it would shut them up and not produce further questions.  So, a couple of weeks ago we were at a 30th birthday party for a dear friend.  I just knew the question would arise seeing as how the birthday boy has a 6 month old and they got married 2 years after us.  In fact in dh's circle of buddies who were all in our wedding (including said birthday boy) they all have children now.  Anyhow, not 20 minutes into the party the question came up.  DH's response..."Well, we haven't decided to consummate the marriage yet."  Um seriously dh?  I couldn't help it, I had to walk away because I just burst into laughter.  DH said the look on the guys face was priceless.  I'm not sure if it was an appropriate response, but it sure was funny!

I hope all of you ladies have a wonderful weekend!

Great Book!

Last Friday night dh and I went on one hot date to the bookstore.  Haha!  We often head out having no clue where we are going only to end up at the bookstore.  We're dorks, I know.  But at least we are dorks together.  :)

So we went in and as usual dh headed straight for the Christian section.  I usually follow him and we both come out with some sort of great book usually by Scott Ha.hn or Peter. Kree.ft.  However, this day I was particularly stressed and decided that I needed some sort of mindless girly book to take my mind off all the the craziness going on around me lately.  I left him lost in the many many books he had picked up and was sorting though and wandered over to fiction section.  I had been there for about 10 minutes and nothing was grabbing me.  Then all of a sudden in the midst of all the silly books about nothing in particular I the book Signs of Life by Scott Ha.hn.  I started looking through it and it seemed like the perfect book for a newbie Catholic.  :)

I've read about half of it and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!  It is wonderful.  It talks about 40 Catholic customs and their biblical roots.  DH started flipping through it the other day and said that he thought all Catholics should read it.  He started talking about all the years he went through life not knowing most of these things and how books like this should be required reading.  The chapters are pretty short and everything is written in plain English.  It is not written for someone with a degree in theology, it is definitely written for the average person.

Have any of you read it?  I'd love to hear what you though. :)

The Date Is Set!

We had our usual weekly get together with Deacon A yesterday.  It went great and now the date for me to be received into the Church is set. Sunday, July 25th!  WooHoo!  It would be sooner but Deacon A is going to be out of town for the July 4th holiday and then Fr. R will be out of town after that.  There are other priests but Fr. R is in charge and he really wants to do it.  I don't mind, I really love Fr. R.  In two weeks I will have my final meeting with Deacon A.  We will go through a dry run of confession.  At first I thought that seemed silly but I'm kind of glad we are doing it.  Confession is really making me nervous so hopefully this will help to ease me a bit.  The following Saturday, the 17th I will make my first confession and then the next week is the big day.

I am ridiculously excited!

The Best Chocolate Cake EVER!

Today we are having a little shindig for dh's 29th birthday.  Nothing big or fancy (we'll save that for the big 3-0 next year!), just a little get together with a few of our closest friends.

I don't think I've  mentioned it here before, but I absolutely love to cook and bake.  I have a real passion for it.  It is by far one of my favorite things to do...especially after a really stressful day.  Unfortunately, it does absolutely nothing for my waistline. :)

For tonight I'm making dh's favorite cake...and mine too. :)  I got this recipe from a friend about 2 months ago and have made it probably 4 or 5 times since then.  I've tweaked it a little...cause that's what I do.  I thought I would share it with you guys because it is just too darn good to keep a secret.  It's called a Chocolate Stout Cake.  Stout because it has some stout beer in it.  Don't worry though, it doesn't really have a beery taste.  But the beer certainly does something for it.  It is super super moist and absolutely delish!

Here's the recipe...

Chocolate Stout Cake

1 cup of stout beer (I use Guinness b/c that is dh's favortie beer but you can use any stout.  Youngs Chocolate stout is a good one too!)
1 cup of unsalted butter
3/4 cup of unsweetened cocoa powder
2 cups of flour
2 cups of sugar
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
3/4 tsp salt
2 large eggs
2/3 sour cream

Ganache

11 oz semi sweet choco chips (Just use the whole 12oz bag, you won't notice the difference.)
12tbsp heavy cream
1 1/2 tsp instant coffee granules

Preheat oven to 350,  Butter and flour your Bunt pan (I use PAM for Baking, it's just easier and less messy).

Bring stout and butter to simmer in a larger heavy saucepan over med heat.  Whisk in coca powder until mixture is smooth.  Let cool slightly. 
whisk together the dry ingredients and set aside.
Beat the eggs and sour cream together in a large bowl.  Add the chocolate/stout mixture mixture to the egg mixture and beat to just combine.  Add the dry ingredients and beat briefly on slow speed.  Using a rubber spatula, fold the batter until completely combined.  Pour into prepared pan.  Bake the cake until the tester inserted into the center comes out clean, about 35 minutes.  Transfer cake to rack, cool completely in the pan before turning out.

Ganache:
Melt the chocolate chips, heavy cream and coffee in the top of a double boiler over simmering water ( I don't own a double boiler but you can put a heat-safe bowl over simmering water too).  Stir constantly until smooth and warm.  Pour over the top of the cooled cake.

Sometimes I add strawberries to the top too if I have them.

I'm telling you it is to die for!!

I took some pics while I was baking this one that I will post later.

Dear Body

Dear Body,

Why do you hate me? Why do you do things that make no sense?  I am tired of you acting all wonky!  I am tired of you being unpredictable!  I am tired of you making me think that you are starting to work only to do something crazy again.  I'm tired of the two steps forward and one step back!  Could you please figure out what you want to do and then just stick with it?  Please?

Body, I thought we were done with this tebb crud!  I know that your hormones were all out of whack before.  That is why I endure the painful shots every month.  I do that for you.  So why all of a sudden after several months of no tebb did you decide to do it again?  I just don't understand.  I gave you the same shots you got all those other months.  Are they not good enough for you anymore?  I would really appreciate it if you would just stop!  How about next cycle we don't do that?  How does that sound?  Actually, if all bleeding could just stay away next cycle that would be great!

And another thing.  What's with the migraines?  I can't take them anymore!  I delt with these nasty migraines for years and years.  Those migraines you used to give me almost landed me on disability.  I thought we were done with those too.  Could you do me a favor and stop with those.  My poor head can't take it anymore.

Ok body...do you think you can work on these two things?  I'm really not asking for too much.  Oh yeah, and one more thing...when you see sperm and an egg in the same place at the same time, that's a good thing.  That's a very very good thing.  If you could work on joining those two things together that would be great!

Love,

Impatient Me

Quick Takes

 

1.  Two weekends ago dh and I had my wonderful nephews over for the night.  We spent a lot of time at our neighborhood pool.  They had a BLAST!  And we really enjoyed having them.  I love these two cuties more than anything.  And if you ask me they are two of the cutest kids ever!

 

I love this one!  This is when the fountains at the kiddie splash area first turned on.  He was so surprised and so excited!

Eli was having so much fun.

 

 Jacob was my first little love.  I love him dearly.  He is such a great big brother!

2.  I'm off this week and won't be working too much this summer.  I am LOVING it!  Seriously loving it!  I am so meant to be a stay at home wife (and mom :) )!  I just know it.  I have gotten so much accomplished this week and have so much more I need to do.  My house is going to look awesome after this summer.

3.  I need to stop watching a baby story!  I was watching it yesterday...actually I think I was watching Bringing Home Baby and I wanted to crawl through the tv at this woman.  She brought her baby home and then said something to the effect that she thought having a baby was going to be like bringing home a puppy but it isn't it's harder.  Um....yes, a human life is a bit different from a puppy.  Don't get me wrong, I love my little Oscar, but it's not the same as an infant.

4.  I've been especially thankful for all of you this week.  Your comments on my post about CD1 and surgery really helped.  I am an extremely anxious person and sometimes when I get something in my head I just run with it and I can get really stressed really quick.  I am so happy to know that I do have options.  I have an appointment with Dr. G on the 17th and we are going to discuss what we need to do.  I need to make her understand that I don't want to take a "wait and see" approach to all of this.  I want to get going asap on whatever I need to do to fix my broken lady parts.

5. This cycle has started off terrible!  The last two cycles my cramps haven't been too terribly bad.  Oh My Gosh that is so not the case this time!  I cannot believe they haven't come up with some sort of pain reliever that can alleviate this crap.  Sometimes I feel like they are really behind the curve when it comes to women's health.  Seriously!

6.  I am very confused by family and friends.  Actually, I am very confused by some of our Catholic family and friends.  I get that when our non-catholic people learn about our infertility they automatically think about ART.  They are just so misinformed.  But the response we have gotten from our Catholic people has just shocked me!  I mean really!  And even when dh tries to explain to them why ART is not an option for us and why the Church is against it they just look at us like we're nuts.  I swear if one more person says "Well, if you wanted a baby bad enough you would try anything."  I may just go completely nuts.  I just don't get it.

7.  I've always been sort of a crafty person.  And I've always got tons and tons of ideas swirling around in my head.  A few weeks ago I got the idea to make a rosary.  So I did.  It only took me about an hour or so and it is beautiful if I do say so myself.  DH wants me to make one for him next.  He thinks I should open an etsy shop.  I'm not so sure about that...but I am definitely going to start making some as gifts.  I really enjoyed it!

I don't think these pictures do it justice but you get the idea.  I took them on our wedding invitation that I have framed for some reason.