A little of This...A little of That

Seeing the family on the 4th after the big announcement went great!  They were so happy that it eased my nerves quickly.  There was one family member who confused me a bit with her reaction but I wasn't surprised.  It was exactly what I expected from said family member.  You can't win them all.

We are down to about a week and a half until my first confession. While still a bit nervous I am really beginning to look forward to it.  All throughout the day I think of things from my past that I just can't wait to get off my chest.  I'm looking at it as a free psychologist appointment.  I know that when I walk out of that confessional I am going to feel so much lighter.  I feel like it will be the beginning.  I can let all my mistakes and sins of the past go and just start over.  LOVELY!

I'm still reading Scott Hahn's book Signs of Life but I'm also reading another book at the same time (I'm a bit crazy like that).  DH's aunt game me Surprised by Truth by Patrick Madrid and forwarded by Scott Hahn.  I LOVE it!  Seriously!  It's a book that has the conversion stories of eleven converts.  The stories are so unbelievably amazing!  I seriously cannot put the book down!  I started reading it yesterday morning while dh and I were sitting at Panera having breakfast and am almost done with the book.  I see so much of myself in so many of these people.  It's truly amazing.

Today is P+4.  My brain is already starting to play tricks on me.  If you guys could get into my head during the 2ww you would run screaming.  It's a very scary place to be.  Sometimes I wish I could take a vacation from it.  :)  Thanks to dh we "used" all of our good days.  I'm telling you though, if dh didn't help me with my charting I might have blew right over them out of fear.  He's a good man I tell ya.  So, if all does not go well I will be starting next Wed or Thurs, the 14th or 15th.  Let's pray that doesn't happen. :)  Prayer buddy, you've got some work to do.  Haha.  Is that allowed?  DH pointed out that if all does go well I would be able to find out on the 18th (do to the hcg injections I'm supposed to wait until P+17 to test).  This is the day after my first Holy Communion.  However, I pointed out to him that if I make it past next Thursday I'm going to seriously start getting my hopes up.  I won't be able to help it.  I have never ever ever made it past a 13 day lp.  Not even once.

I've really been noticing lately how much dh wants a baby.  It's funny because over the last few years he has really done such a great job supporting me (and still does) that he hasn't let me see how much it means to him.  Lately I've noticed the look in his eyes when he sees a new baby or how happy he was playing with his cousins girls on Sunday.  He told me that someone at work made a pretty rude comment to him at work the other day that left him feeling a little teary.  It made me feel horrible.  I want nothing more in this world than to make him a daddy.  I'm just so glad that I have him to go through this with.  I couldn't imagine a more supportive man to have by my side.  I really do believe that God planned us for each other.  It's funny because while at the in-laws house this weekend 3 of his aunts pointed out this very thing.  I really am so blessed.

Nervous!!!

Holy Moly I'm stinkin' nervous!  We are going to dh's parents house today for the 4th and it will be the first time we will be seeing everyone since they found out about my conversion. (DH and I are really lucky that both of our families live in the same area)  I can't figure out why I am so nervous...I got such wonderful responses to the email dh sent.  There is no reason why they wouldn't be happy for me.  I guess I'm just afraid of all the attention.  DH's family can be really "in-your-face."  So can my family but it is different when it is others (you would think I would be used to this seeing as dh and I have been together for 9 years).  To be honest, I really hate attention.  I like to just blend into the background.  I know dh's family and I know this is going to be a BIG DEAL!  It is a big deal, don't get me wrong, but I could do without the attention that goes with it.  I was hoping that I was worrying for nothing but after talking to dh this morning he sort of confirmed my feelings.  Oh boy...this is going to be fun. :)

To make things even more fun, dh invited everyone who wanted to join us to the Mass that I will be receiving my first Holy Communion.  I thought "there is no way they will all want to come!"  Although we all live relatively in the same area we are a bit north of the rest of the family and no one goes the parish we go to.  I will also be receiving at the 6pm Mass on Sunday so I figured no way.  Wrong again!  In every single one of the responses his family said they would be there.  Did I mention dh's family is huge?  In addition to his parents and brother his mom has 4 sisters and 1 brother.  All of his aunts and uncles have children and some of those children have children or at least spouses.  We are talking close to 30 people here.  Our church is relatively small in terms of space.  Although our parish has several thousand members it is a temporary building that was built until they build a more permanent building (you would never know that though unless they told you...it's very pretty).  Fortunately it's summer and so many are on vacation so attendance has been a bit lighter.  I was nervous enough when Deacon A said that before communion Father R would call me up first to receive first in front of everyone.  That alone had me shaky...but now there are going to be people I know there.  Makes my stomach flip-flop thinking about it.

Between the nervousness and the absolute excitement I think I may explode!  This has to be one of the most exciting times in my life.  Like I said in a previous post.  I feel the same way I felt leading up to my wedding day.  Such excitement and anticipation.  I love it!

Prayer Buddies!

Can I just say how excited I am to be a part of the Summer Prayer Buddies?  I am practically giggling with excitement.  I know a lot of people don't read my blog but I read a lot of others.  I pray for everyone everyday.  Sometimes I pray by name (or blog name), sometimes I just pray in general.  To be honest, praying for you blogger ladies has actually helped to strengthen my prayer life.  I've always struggled to set time aside to just sit and talk with God.  Having you ladies to pray for sort of reminds me to do that.  I feel so blessed to have found such an amazing group of faithful women who are sharing the same cross that I have.  Although I would not wish this struggle on anyone, it is nice to have people who get it.  People who know the ups and downs that happen from day to day...sometimes hour to hour.  Finding these blogs had truly been such a blessing in my life.  It is something I try to remember to thank God for every day.

Can't Sleep

So it's like 12:45 am...way, way past my bedtime.  I tried to go to sleep, really I did, but I just can't.  I just can't seem to shut my crazy little brain off.  There is so much swimming around up there it's enough to drive a person to the crazy house.

The big thing swimming in my brain is my "coming home."  It's on my mind constantly.  I'm so happy, excited, amazed, joyful, nervous, anxious, etc. etc.  I honestly have no idea how to put my feelings into any words that make even the slightest bit of sense.  I was telling dh today that the feelings are so similar to the feelings I had leading up to our wedding day.  I have a feelings that my emotions on that day will be very similar too.  I'm sure tears will be shed.  DH sent out an email to his family tonight letting them know.  We've already received a few responses and I was so happy to read the kind words that some of his aunts had to say.  I got a little teary reading them.  Honestly, I feel like I need to soak up every feeling and every thought in these upcoming weeks.  I want to forever ingrain all of this in my mind.  I don't want to forget what brought me to this point in my life.  I want to remember everything so that I can always grow and always have this foundation to fall back on.

Infertility of course is always on my mind as well.  I have such mixed emotions.  Like I mentioned in my post earlier today I feel like I am subconsciously trying to sabotage our trying.  It's fear I know.  Fear of another failed cycle.  Fear of another CD1 heartbreak.  Like I said before, thankfully dh is here to keep me in check.  I'm so glad he is, I know that if we didn't use a "good" day I would always wonder if that was the day we needed to finally conceive.  Make sense?

My job has also been a huge source of stress lately.  I'm just not happy with it.  I know this is terrible to say, but I feel like I am just buying time until we do have children and I can stay home with them.  The tears have been a flowin' lately and dh can't stand to see me so upset.  He on numerous occasions has told me to just quit.  But I can't seem to bring myself to do it.  We could make it with only his income, but there would be absolutely no extras.  No cable, no gym memberships, no putting money into savings.  I don't know that I want to live like that right now.  DH is due for a raise, which would make a huge difference.  I've been praying about it, trying to figure out what I should do but I can't come up with a decision.  I don't want to make a decision based on emotions.  There has been so much drama revolving around my job lately that I don't want that to be what sways me in a particular direction...although, according to dh, all the drama is exactly what should sway me in a particular direction.

On a much happier note (I really hate how my posts seem to be so negative lately), I am going to pick out paint colors tomorrow.  Our living room/kitchen/dining room is getting a makeover!  I'm so stinkin' excited!  Maybe I'll post before and after pictures.

Oh, and apparently dh told his family (in the email about my joining the Church) that I have been making rosaries...well two of his aunts want to buy several from me.  Woohoo!  I just started making them for fun, because I wanted to do something crafty, because I needed to do something with my hands.  I figured I would give them as gifts (dh had other plans though).  This is pretty cool too thought.  I'm thinking about getting into making some jewelry too.  Now that would be cool to sell!

I guess I should apologize for any run-ons and misspelled words.  I'm too tired to proof read.  Not that that helps much seeing as my dyslexia makes that difficult.  Did I ever mention that I am dyslexic?  Well I am.  It mainly affects my spelling and sometimes I switch numbers around.  Fortunately my reading isn't affected...that I am good at.

Quick Takes on Thursday

I'm doing my Quick Takes today because DH will be getting off from work early tomorrow and we are having a BBQ with the neighbors.  Yippee!  I love BBQs!

1.  DH brought to my attention that I made a mistake.  I will not be receiving my first communion on the 25th.  Nope, nope nope!  I will be receiving it on the 18th.  Woohoo!  I am doing my first confession on the 17th and Deacon A said I would receive the following Sunday.  I took that as the next week when in fact the following Sunday is the next day.  I had dh email Deacon A and turns out he's right.  Not too often that you'll catch me admitting to that.  :)

2.  I think IF is making my brain think some wonky things.  I think subconsciously I may be trying to sabotage our ttc-ing.  I have had excellent cm the past 2 days (10KL AD) and my mind has been telling me not to try.  I don't get it at all.  Fortunately dh hasn't been having these same thoughts so when he asks what to write on my chart he knows it's a baby day.  I'm telling you, if the charting was totally up to me I think I would be tempted to not use the good days.  I can't figure out what the heck is wrong with me.  I think maybe it's fear or something.

3.  DH is sending out an email to his family tonight telling them of the news about me coming into the Church.  I don't know exactly why but I am so flippin' nervous.  I'm thinking for the most part everyone is going to be really happy.  However, there are a few that I worry about.  I'm afraid they will question my intentions.  Not that they have any reason to, but because that's just how they are.  One day I'll have to write a whole post about this craziness.  I'm thinking it may take up a few posts.

4. I've been off work for a few weeks now and I am loving it!  Oh how I wish I could be a stay at home wife.  This is totally amazing!  The house has never been this clean.  I'm working on re-organizing the whole house and every closet one room at a time.  I'm also looking into to doing some repainting on the inside.  DH thinks this is silly seeing as the house is only 4 years old but I don't care.  I need a change.  I've been trying out tons of new recipes and working on all kinds of crafts.  I've made several rosaries.  I love them all but have no clue what to do with all of them.  I'm just hanging onto them for now.  They may become gifts.  I'm also thinking about busting out the sewing machine that I just had to have right after dh and I got married that I never learned to use.  Maybe I'll figure the darn thing out.

5.  Speaking of being a SAHW.  If I hear one more women's lib hippie tell me that being a SAHW or SAHM is degrading to women my head may explode.  Whenever this comes up and I mention that that is what I want (dh wants it as well) I can feel the daggers shooting out of people's eyes.  I realize that staying at home isn't for everyone and it isn't possible for everyone.  However, I don't think that me wanting to stay home makes me any less intelligent or free.  I love the traditional family where dad works and mom stays home with the children.  The thought of ever putting my children in daycare makes me physically ill.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting women who do do this down, it's just now what I want.  It just urks me not no end.

6.  So I've been writing down some notes to take into confession with me.  Is that weird?  From what I understand I need to try to confess all of my sins from the time that I was baptized.  Right?  Well...that was nearly 15 years ago.  That's a lot of sins to be confessing.  Obviously I'm not going to remember everything but I sure want to try to remember everything I can.  I'm so nervous that I am afraid that when I get in there I will forget what my name is let alone any sins.  Am I totally crazy?

7.  DH and I were trying to come up with some witty responses to the "So when are you guys going to have a baby?" question.  I've really been at a loss for words on what to say and dh ever the comedian thought it would be fun to same something totally off the wall that would either make people laugh or leave them pondering.  In the end he was hoping that it would shut them up and not produce further questions.  So, a couple of weeks ago we were at a 30th birthday party for a dear friend.  I just knew the question would arise seeing as how the birthday boy has a 6 month old and they got married 2 years after us.  In fact in dh's circle of buddies who were all in our wedding (including said birthday boy) they all have children now.  Anyhow, not 20 minutes into the party the question came up.  DH's response..."Well, we haven't decided to consummate the marriage yet."  Um seriously dh?  I couldn't help it, I had to walk away because I just burst into laughter.  DH said the look on the guys face was priceless.  I'm not sure if it was an appropriate response, but it sure was funny!

I hope all of you ladies have a wonderful weekend!

Great Book!

Last Friday night dh and I went on one hot date to the bookstore.  Haha!  We often head out having no clue where we are going only to end up at the bookstore.  We're dorks, I know.  But at least we are dorks together.  :)

So we went in and as usual dh headed straight for the Christian section.  I usually follow him and we both come out with some sort of great book usually by Scott Ha.hn or Peter. Kree.ft.  However, this day I was particularly stressed and decided that I needed some sort of mindless girly book to take my mind off all the the craziness going on around me lately.  I left him lost in the many many books he had picked up and was sorting though and wandered over to fiction section.  I had been there for about 10 minutes and nothing was grabbing me.  Then all of a sudden in the midst of all the silly books about nothing in particular I the book Signs of Life by Scott Ha.hn.  I started looking through it and it seemed like the perfect book for a newbie Catholic.  :)

I've read about half of it and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!  It is wonderful.  It talks about 40 Catholic customs and their biblical roots.  DH started flipping through it the other day and said that he thought all Catholics should read it.  He started talking about all the years he went through life not knowing most of these things and how books like this should be required reading.  The chapters are pretty short and everything is written in plain English.  It is not written for someone with a degree in theology, it is definitely written for the average person.

Have any of you read it?  I'd love to hear what you though. :)

The Date Is Set!

We had our usual weekly get together with Deacon A yesterday.  It went great and now the date for me to be received into the Church is set. Sunday, July 25th!  WooHoo!  It would be sooner but Deacon A is going to be out of town for the July 4th holiday and then Fr. R will be out of town after that.  There are other priests but Fr. R is in charge and he really wants to do it.  I don't mind, I really love Fr. R.  In two weeks I will have my final meeting with Deacon A.  We will go through a dry run of confession.  At first I thought that seemed silly but I'm kind of glad we are doing it.  Confession is really making me nervous so hopefully this will help to ease me a bit.  The following Saturday, the 17th I will make my first confession and then the next week is the big day.

I am ridiculously excited!