An update of sorts...

I feel like I've been a super bad blogger lately.  I haven't posted much and I certainly haven't been commenting much.  I don't know what my deal is lately.  Stress I guess.  And perhaps a little bit of mush for brains.

I figure I should update a little.  This is sort of going to be in quick take form because that seems to be the easiest way to do it...and I'm pretty lazy lately. ;)

I am 20 weeks and 5 days today.  Seriously?  When the heck did that happen.  Feels like just yesterday I was contemplating whether or not that second pink line was a result of the HCG injections or if it was for real.  I just cannot believe that I am half way there already.  It still seems so surreal.  And no, I still haven't taken a bump picture.  I'm so mad at myself for not doing that at all.  All of those years of praying for a baby I would think about taking a picture every week.  So much for that idea.  As silly as this sounds I blame it on poor self image.  I've been having a really hard time and feeling a lot like an ompa lumpa.  I've always struggled with body image so I'm not totally surprised that it's still bothering me now.  It doesn't seem to matter how much dh tells me how beautiful I am I just struggle to see it myself.  I'm working on it though.  DH and I are going to go see a movie this weekend and have a nice dinner out.  Since I'll be dressed nicer than I usually am I think I'll get him to take a picture.  Maybe I'll have someone take one of the two of us so I don't feel so insecure.  I am definitely more comfortable when I am not the only one in a photo.  I promise to post it as soon as I get it.

We have our anatomy scan tomorrow.  I'm excited to get to see Mary-Grace again but also nervous.  I get a bit nervous before every ultrasound but this one seems to be bothering me more.  At our 17 week scan the tech did a few measurements and said she was looking good so far so you would think I would be doing ok.  I really have no real reason to worry.  I'm just a worrier by nature.  I'm really trying to work on that.

Our neighborhood had a community garage sale this weekend.  DH and I have been cleaning out the room that is going to be Mary-Grace's room and decided to try to sell a few things.  It ended up working great!  We sold a bunch of old stuff and came out a few hundred dollars richer.  We plan on putting it towards furniture for her room.  Funny thing about the room we cleaned out is that we never actually had it set up as anything.  It was sort of a storage room.  When we first got married I knew right away it would be the nursery so I just figured why do anything with it to just have to change it.  Seemed like a waste of time and money.  Four years later and it just turned into the junk room.  Anything we didn't know what to do with just sort of landed there.  Including boxes on mine and K's that we never opened after moving in.  I've decided that all the stuff that didn't sell is going to Good.will this week.  It feels so good to get rid of all the old junk that never found a place here.  Next up.  Cleaning out the garage.  It has about 10 boxes of mine from when I moved here that never got opened.  I was considering just throwing them away without even opening them but was a little worried there might be some pictures in some of them.

I'm finally getting into the swing of this whole stay at home wife thing.  I felt like such a lazy brat at first.  I was just so sick for so long that I didn't do anything.  Not that I've ever been good at keeping a house.  I've always wanted to be but it's just not my thing.  I just always felt overwhelmed and didn't know where to start.  This usually ended up in me getting frustrated and just not doing anything.  It really was pathetic.  However in the last week I've sort of got this itch to get this house in order.  I'm going to definitely say it's nesting.  I even typed out a spreadsheet on Exce.l with the things that need to be done and on what day of the week I will be doing them.  My thinking is that if I do a little everyday it won't run away from me.  Now if I can just stick with it.

My wonderful best friend S is engaged to this wonderful man J.  I'm so insanely happy for them.  They got engaged last May after 4 years of dating and living together and buying a house together (no I do not approve of this but she still is my dearest friend).  Anyhoo.  Her fiance's parent's have a timeshare in Orlando that we got to use for 2 nights last December.  S, J, K and I went for the weekend of my birthday and had an absolute blast.  The timeshare was beautiful and S always knows how to make sure I have a good time.  We went to Mickey's Ver.y Me.rry Christ.mas on Friday night (it's where you go to Disne.y from 7pm until I believe Midnight and it's all Christmas themed and wonderful!).  The next day dh and I went to Ep.cot for my birthday.  Last year Flori.da residents got in free on their actual birthday and mine happened to land on a Saturday.  PERFECT!  We had a blast!  They gave me a birthday pin to wear on my shirt and everywhere we went all of the cast members were telling me happy birthday (yes, I'm a 5 year old and this makes me super happy).  K and I also got a lot of free stuff (food, drinks, and such) as well as bypassing long lines.  It was just a lot of fun.  Well, S called me yesterday and told me that they were getting the timeshare for 3 nights this year the weekend of my birthday and wanted to know if we wanted to go again.  SUPER!  We are definitely a lot lighter in the funds department this year with me no longer working but I think we can swing going to Mick.ey's Ver.y Mer.ry Chri.stmas.  The tickets are cheaper than a regular days admission which is now $81.  Seriously?  $81/ person is ridiculous!  I am so unbelievably excited for this little mini vacation.  And I am so happy to have such a wonderful friend who things of me for these sorts of things.  It would be so easy for her just to go with her fiance.  I'm sure they would like a nice weekend to themselves but she always thinks of me.  She is even coming up with some sort of non-alcoholic sparkly drink for me to toast my birthday with since champagne, which is our birthday tradition, is obviously out of the question this year. :)

K and I at dinner for my birthday last year.

S and J at that same birthday dinner.

Okidokie.  I think that will be it for now.  I have a post in mind that I will hopefully get to tomorrow after my appointment.  TaTa for now!

Mary-Grace Pictures and Nursery Idea

I'm FINALLY getting around to posting the 3D/4D ultrasound pictures of Mary-Grace that we had done on October 13th.  The tech printed us about 30 pictures!  But don't worry I won't post them all.  She did both 3D/4D as well as the regular ones and some of the 4D ones were printed in black and white.  She said that at 16 weeks babies don't have a lot of fat on them.  Especially considering how little food I have kept down this pregnancy.  So little Mary-Grace looks pretty skinny. :)  She's cute though.  I actually like some of the regular pictures better.  Probably because they are easier to see with her slim figure. :)  She said that when I go back for the anatomy scan on November 9th she'll also do the 4D again so we can see the difference.  Wahoo!  Any chance I get to see that sweet little face is a good day in my book!

She had her little hands up by her face the whole time.

B&W 4D _ Look at those skinny little legs!  This will not stay!  Skinny legs is not a trait of either myself or her daddy!

Look at that sweet little hand!  She wasn't waving hi to us though.  I think she was waving us off so we would leave her alone.  She's definitely related to her mama and doesn't like her sleep disturbed.

Her profile looks like my sister here.  My sister is a beauty!

She was so funny in the ultrasound!  The tech was able to see that she was in fact a she in about 2.5 seconds.  It was very obvious!  MG is not shy!  I'll spare her future embarrassment and won't be posting her girly bits.  The entire time we were doing the ultrasound she kept trying to hider her face in her hands.  She was moving all over the place and the tech had a hard time keeping up with her.  After about 15 minutes she was just done.  We had disturbed her sleep and she had had enough.  She sunk down really low and curled up into a little ball.  The tech shook my belly to wake her up and she put her foot up like she was trying to kick the probe thing.  I laughed so hard that I could see her shaking from my laughter on the screen.  She is just like her mama!  Stubborn and does not like being messed with when we are sleeping!  I can't wait for the next ultrasound so we can see the difference.  I have a feeling she will look like dh but with my darker hair and eyes.  We shall see.

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I have been agonizing over bedding for this little girl.  I don't know why but it has been causing major stress.  I actually started before we knew she was a girl looking for girl bedding.  I was so certain she was.  I wanted something that was appropriate for a nursery but wasn't too babyish.  I had an idea in my head but couldn't seem to find anything like what I had dreamed up.  I tend to do that a lot!  Then today I was searching once again and I finally found it!  It is not what I was originally thinking but it works and it definitely isn't too babyish.

It's from La.nd Of N.od.  I love love love it!!!

I'm still in utter shock of this whole thing.  I don't know that I will ever believe that this is actually happening.  I'll be 19 weeks tomorrow.  19 weeks!  Almost half way there.  I just cannot believe it.  I feel so unworthy.  I'm finally able to keep food down.  I haven't thrown up in a week!  Woohoo!  I'm still nauseous most of the day but at least the food is staying down.  After spending 18 weeks throwing up 10+ times a day any improvement is huge!  I'm still on my progesterone pills although my doctor thinks I'm not.  I hated lying to them but they wouldn't hear my side of it.  I know I need the progesterone and PPVI is monitoring it.  I just don't feel comfortable stopping it until Dr. H says I can.  I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something happened to her because I stopped taking it.  Besides, I figure out pretty quickly that although my doctors are considered to be the best in town they are morons.  I know that sounds harsh, but they are.  I have decided to look at them as baby catchers.  That's pretty much all they will do on the day of delivery.  It's not like the doctor is the one with you during labor.

I'm definitely starting to look really pregnant.  I have been showing for awhile but I think I've sort of popped in the last week or so.  Sadly I haven't taken any pictures yet.  I'm kind of angry with myself for that.  I'm going to get dh to take a pic of me this week and will post then.

Four years ago today...

...I married my best friend.

At times I cannot believe that it has been 4 years.  At other times I feel like it has been a life time.

There is a country song out there by Brad Paisley called "I thought I Loved You Then."  Song gets me every time.  It is basically about the different stages of a couples life (dating, engagement, marriage, etc.).  After each description of time he says "And I thought I loved you then."  I feel like this perfectly describes our relationship.

DH and I dated for 4.5 years before we were engaged.  The day he proposed is forever etched in my mind.  I remember standing there and realizing what was happening and thinking there is no way I could possibly love him more than I do at this moment.  But on our wedding day I found our I was wrong.  Standing at the back of the church looking down the isle we locked eyes and my heart grew tenfold.  I thought I loved him more at that moment than was ever possible.  Then the truth of our infertility set in.  It didn't take long after realizing this was going to be a long journey that I realized I loved him even more.  The way he comforted me day after day, month after month, year after year just amazed me.  Last May when I finally told dh that I wanted to convert his reaction made my heart swell once more.  It was something that definitely drew us closer than anything had before.  It was a way of uniting us even deeper.

Then came the day that I finally saw those 2 pink lines.  My heart nearly burst.  I ran to dh who was standing in the kitchen.  I had tears streaming down my face and I couldn't speak.  I was in utter shock and amazement.  I just held the test up to show him.  He looked at me and all he said was "I love you." He grabbed me as my knees nearly buckled underneath me and we just stood there sobbing and hugging.  At that moment my heart grew once more as I realized my love for him was growing even deeper.  That very night was the first day I received my first Communion. Our priest had dh come up with me and receive at the same time.  He told us to remember that back before wedding ceremonies couples would be united in marriage by simply coming to the priest to receive communion together.  He said that this day was a day that would join us together in a deeper way that we could have ever imagined.  He was right.

On this day last year we went to a Mass in a neighboring town that was being said for all couples dealing with infertility.  On the day that we married I never thought that that was how we would spend on of our anniversaries.  As I knelt during Mass I prayed so hard that God would give us a baby to hold.  I had no idea that that gift would be given to us so soon.  After I found out I was pregnant Dr. H and Dr. G were both surprised to hear it.  Dr. H wasn't hopeful with my hormone levels and was waiting for me to come up for surgery.

It is so hard to imagine that this time next year sweet Mary-Grace will be here in our arms.  I will forever be grateful to our Lord for the abundant gifts he has bestowed upon my husband and I.  I truly feel unworthy.

Now that I am crying I think I will leave you with a note to my dh and some pictures. :)

K, I love you more today than I did yesterday and I know that love will only continue to grow.  The journey we have been on over the last 4 years has not been as we expected but I would not trade a minute of it for the world.  Thank you for making these years the best of my life.  I cannot wait to see what the rest of our life has in store for us.  We now know that sometimes things aren't easy, but together we can make it through anything.  I love you from the bottom of my heart.  Pinky Swear!  :)

Sanibel Island where he proposed.

A reenactment of our first kiss seeing as how our photographer, who was terrible, didn't take the picture of the actual kiss.

First Dance

Our FABULOUS!  Honeymoon Cruise!

It's a...

GIRL!!!!!!!

Mary-Grace Eloise M.

Mary - To honor dh's grandmother. She passed away in March of 09 after a long sad battle with Alzheimers. Dh credits his Catholic faith to her. And also Mary because the month we conceived was the first month I asked for our Blessed Mother's intercession. Remember, I'm a newbie Catholic...dong those sorts of things is new to me. ;)

Grace - Well, it is by God's grace that we have this little one.

Eloise - To honor my Nonnie. She was my great grandmother whom I loved dearly.

I've already gotten some funny looks from people when I have told them her name. But honestly, I don't care if people like it. I LOVE it! I don't mean to sound mean but it seems rude of people to do that. I've dreamed about the day I would name my little girl.

I've already been shopping for pink things today. :)

I'll post ultrasound pics as soon as dh gets home from work. I accidentally left them at his office. :(

Aticipation

It's killing me. I'm getting ready for my 11am appointment. We're having one of those 3D Ultrasounds and we get to find out the baby's gender. I can't wait!!!! I'm bursting with excitement! I'm thinking this is going to help make this more real.

Let the shopping begin! :)

I'll post the news with pictures when I get home. After some baby shopping first of course. :)

Quick Takes

1.  I'm still having some stomach issues even though I am 16 weeks.  I really thought it would be gone by now.  However, the Phenergan seems to really be helping a lot.  As long as I take it first thing in the morning I seem to be ok for the most part.  If I miss it...oh boy it isn't pretty!

2.  My migraines are getting out of control!  I'm having them about 5 days a week.  INSANE!  I have an appointment next week so I'm going to ask my OBGYN to check my B12 and my Vitamin D.  I had these levels checked about a year and a half ago.  They were super super low.  The doctor I was seeing at the time put me on B12 injection once a week and 2000iu of Vitamin D every day.  While my migraines didn't go away they did lessen a bit.  I stopped seeing that doctor for insurance purposes so I haven't been taking anything.  Hopefully the OB will go with this.  I'm pretty sure they all thing I'm crazy though.

3.  Speaking of appointments, the BIG appointment is on Wednesday!  Woohoo!  I can't wait to see little sweet pea again and to find out if it's a boy or girl in there.  I've been having such trouble actually believing that I'm pregnant.  I'm thinking that once I know what we are having and actually get to call him/her by name it may make it more real.  This also means I can do a little shopping.  :)  I can't wait to pick out something for our little one!  I'm grinning from ear to ear already. :)

4.  I didn't mention this in my post yesterday but I should mention that I am very thankful for the difficult childhood I had.  I know that seems strange, and I've only scratched the surface of some of the things that happened when I was young, but I really am.  It took me a long time to get to this point.  It took me years to forgive my mother.  But I have and I am happy.  If I had not had all of those experiences I would not be who I am today.  DH and I often discuss my childhood and my mother.  We pray for her daily.  I love her because she gave me life.  It doesn't mean that I don't have days that hurt because I do.  Buying my wedding dress was hard...all of the other girls there had their moms.  Being pregnant has been hard.  I want my mom here with motherly advice.  I want my baby to have his/her grandma. When I felt the baby move a couple of weeks ago I wondered about when my mom felt me.  And although I am thankful for her giving me life I wonder how she could have left my sister and me the way she did.  I know she is sick so all I can do is pray.  And at times thinking of this makes me thankful that she did do what she did.  I would be completely different if she had stayed.  I know that seems strange but I like me. :)

5.  Our wedding anniversary is fast approaching.  I'm so excited!  I'm like a 5 year old when it comes to anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc.  I get so excited leading up to them.  Four years!  I cannot believe it.  At times it feels like yesterday and at other times it feels like a life time ago.  We usually head over to Orlando and go to the Epcot Food and Wine Festival.  I think we've done this every year.  It is so much fun and such yummy yummy food!  Yummy wine too but I would have to forgo that this year. :)  It's a little pricey thought once you factor in tickets plus spending money so I think we are going to have to pass. :(  My current jobless state makes things like that a bit difficult.  Do any of you ladies have any ideas for fun, inexpensive things to do.  I'm not very creative and pregnancy brain is making that even worse.

6.It's finally sort of feeling like Fall down here in Florida.  Florida Fall anyway.  The nights have been nice and cool.  The afternoons are still insane though.  The humidity is finally going down which at least makes the heat bearable.  I've got Fall scented candles burning everyday to help the mood.  I love Fall!  I've got to get dh up into the attic to get my decorations down!  I'm ready to hit the pumpkin patches!

7.  I don't really have a #7.  :)  I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!  You all are in my prayers.

My Teenage Mother

I loved Sew's post about her mother so I thought I'd steal barrow her idea.  The information I have regarding my mother's side of this story has been told to me by relatives (mostly my grandmother on my father's side).  As you'll see later int he story, my mother hasn't been able to share things from her perspective.

My mother was 18 when she found out she was pregnant with me, my father was 19.  She told no one she was pregnant, not even my dad.  My Nana (dad's mom) suspected that she was and asked both my mom and dad on several occasion.  Both of them always told her no.  My Nana told me that my mom was gaining weight but not so much in a pregnant way.  However, she carried herself in such a way that my Nana had a feeling (my Nana is notorious for her "feelings" that are usually right).

Finally early in November my dad came to my Nana and told her that my mom was pregnant.  Nothing prepared for what my dad was about to say next.  "She's due next month." my dad said.  Nana was shocked!  She was obviously upset, but even more so when my dad told her that he didn't even know.

My mother coming from a very strong Southern Baptist family and my Nana being super "old fashioned" as she would say, basically told them they were getting married weather they liked it or not.  One week later on November 20th they were married in my great grandmother's backyard.

On December 19th I came into this world.

The marriage my parents had was never a good one.  But despite that they had two more children within the following two years.  When I was 6 years old they divorced.

Those first 6 years of my life were not easy.  My mom suffered from bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia.  She was often abusive and had some drug issues.  She and my dad fought like crazy.  The fights would get so loud I slept with a pillow over my head out of habit until high school.

About a year before they divorced she went into a psychiatric facility. My dad tried desperately to work on their marriage and getting her the help she needed.  However, she met someone else while in the hospital and they then divorced.

After the divorce she wasn't around much.  The times she wanted to see my sisters and me got fewer and fewer until she just stopped coming around at all.  There was a 12 year span where I did not see or here from her at all.

When I was 19 she showed back up very briefly only to disappear again.  I saw her once more when I was 22 when she showed up at the hospital when my sister was having her baby (we still have no clue how she found out).

The distance between us now is mostly my doing.  For my own health and sanity I cannot have her be a part of my life.  Too much has happened and too much happened once I was an adult involving her that I just feel it best to not have her in my life at this time.  She was not at my wedding and as far as I know, does not know I am pregnant.

My childhood was very difficult.  We had very little money.  I saw things no child should ever see.  I missed my mom and felt very abandoned by her.  However, at no point in my life have I ever wished I wasn't here.

I cannot imagine how scared my mother must have been while pregnant with me.  To keep it a secret for 8 months just boggles my mind.  How easy it would have been for her to abort me and no one be the wiser.  It was definitely legal at the time.

At no point did I think my dad wished I was not here.  I cannot even fathom how hard it was for him to raise 3 little girls on his own from the time that they were 6,5 and 4 years old.

I remember when I first found out was abortion was.  I think I was in 5th grade or so.  I immediately thought of my mother.  I realized how easy it would have been for her to have an abortion.  I realized that had she done this I would not be here.

My mother in all of her faults still chose life and for that I will forever be thankful.