My View - It's still summer here.

Backyard Adventures







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Tuesday Tidbits

I had some bananas that were on their last leg yesterday so I decided to make some banana bread.  I also had some blueberries in the freezer so I thought, what the heck?  I threw the blueberries in and made blueberry walnut banana bread.  Delicious!

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I had a follow up with my Napro doctor on Saturday.  She wanted to check on how things were going with the Zo.lo.ft as well as do an exam to check for cervical eversion.  She did find an eversion, she said a stage 2.  She treated it with some silver nitrate and I go back in about a month for another treatment.  She said that, along with stress could be what's causing my constant white stickers.  I'm also continuing with the vaginal progesterone for 10 days each cycle starting on p+3.  The progesterone has already made a huge difference!  I had my first green sticker a few days ago in almost 6 months.  Wahoo!

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While she was doing her exam she also noticed a small polyp.  She said it appears to be on my cervix but could possible be in my uterus and just sticking out (she could move it which is why she thought this).  She told me to try not to worry too much about it.  She is going to see if it is there at my next appointment with her.  Apparently it is possible that it will just come out with my next cycle.  If it is still there, I will have to make an appointment with my GYN to see about having it removed and tested.  She begged me not to worry about it but that's not really in my nature.  I'm trying hard, I really am.  I only did one quick search on Dr. Google and then made myself stop.  If you could spare a prayer or two for me that would be very much appreciated.

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I had p+7 bloodwork yesterday.  Along with the usual hormone stuff she is checking thyroid, vit D, and a whole bunch of other stuff.  I'm actually praying it all comes back horrible.  Although the Zo.lo.ft is helping, I know there is something bigger going on.  I just need the bloodwork to prove it so I can get a doctor to treat it.

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My sweet Mary-Grace and Hannah will be 18 months and 6 months in just a little over a week.  I cannot believe it!  Expect a post dedicated to each of them soon.

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Hannah cut her first tooth the other day.  5 1/2 months old and she already has a tooth!  I know all babies are different, but Mary-Grace didn't get hers until 8 1/2 months so it wasn't even on my radar.  Hannah was extremely fussy for a few days and then she bit down on my finger and I could just feel that little razor blade poking through her gums.  Crazy!

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I decided to try to introduce a bottle to Hannah last week.  I pumped and had K give it to her right away  while it was still very fresh and warm.  Kid was not having it!  She refused to suck and spit out any milk that happened to make it into her mouth while making a nasty face.  Our 6 year anniversary is next month and I was thinking it might be nice for K and I to go to dinner, just the two of us.  We haven't done that since before Mary-Grace was born, so a year and a half.  I think it's time. :)  We also have a wedding to go to in January and it's no children.  It's one of my best friends so I really want to go.  But obviously this kid has to take a bottle.  Any suggestions on how to get her to do it?

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After having my fancy pants camera for over a year, I have finally decided to try to learn how to use it manually.  I'm just teaching myself (using the girls of course) and winging it.  I'm surprised at how awesome some of my pictures are coming out!  Well, awesome for a newbie. :)

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Here's a photo dump of said pictures. :)

Finally passed out!

Sweet Sleep

Look at that drool!

Her hair cracks me up!

She passed out while playing. :)

Playing in the kiddie pool at Grandma's.

Grandma's on Labor Day

Mary-Grace's first boat ride.

K took MG out to play in the rain...she wanted to water the veggies.

He sprayed her which she thought was hilarious!

Papa gave her frosting. :)

Sweet Relief

After a whirlwind of doctors who didn't seem to want to help me I finally made an appointment with my Napro doctor.  Why I didn't start with her, I have no idea.  I did talk to her back in June and she gave me progesterone.  But when that didn't work, I assumed she couldn't do anything else.  I'm not sure why.

A few weeks ago K told me I was starting to scare him.  He worried about the girls and me all day while at work.  Now, I was not at the point where I ever contemplated hurting my babies.  But I can completely understand his concern.  With my anxiety came an obsession with death.  Not that I planned on causing death, more that we were all going to die.  I worried every second of every day that one of my girls, K, myself, other family members, was going to die.  I would have these elaborate visions (I'm not sure if that's the right word) of what would happen.  It was terrifying.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't function.  I was having panic attacks every morning when K would leave for work.  I was convinced he was going to be in a accident.  I would stay awake staring at Mary-Grace's monitor because I was terrified that someone was going to break in and kidnap her.  The list could go on and on.

Last Wednesday when I met with Dr. G she was so amazing.  I almost cried because she actually listened to me.  Imagine that.  A doctor who actually listens and doesn't just dismiss you (that may sound harsh but my experience with doctors hasn't exactly been good).  We went over options and both agreed that things were bad enough that for now an antidepressant would probably be a good idea.  She had done some research prior to our meeting and we agreed on what we believed would be the safest while breastfeeding Hannah.  I understand the risks (they really are minimal) and am willing to take it.  She also agreed with me that this more than likely has a hormonal component.  She ordered bloodwork for hormones (progesterone and estrogen), a thyroid panel, as well as Vitamin D and some other things.  I'm also continuing on the injections of the vitamin cocktail my midwife prescribed me (B12, B6,B1, and Folic Acid).  Then in a few weeks I have an appointment with her again to discuss how the Zo.lof.t is working.

We also discussed the insane amount of white stickers on my chart.  Basically if it isn't red, it's white.  I guess there is a protocol for yellow stickers if you are breastfeeding and you cycle hasn't returned and some other protocol but I don't technically fit in either one of those.  She mentioned a possible cervical eversion and when I go back in we're going to check for that (I was on CD 3 so checking wasn't an option).  She also prescribed vaginal progesterone for some point after my peak day (I can't remember exactly when right now).  She said sometimes that helps dry up the constant cm.

I started taking the zo.lo.ft the very next day.  She told me it may take a while for me to notice a difference.  Nope, I noticed a difference the first day.  I cannot tell you the relief I feel.  I'm still having some strange thoughts but they are not crippling anymore.  I have the thoughts and I can sort of push them from my mind.  I haven't had a single panic attack since I started taking it.  That's huge!  I've been having daily ones for months.  I haven't cried over silly things either.  I can't tell you how long it's been since I haven't cried.  It's been amazing!  K is no longer getting frantic texts from me throughout the day telling him about how I'm losing it and I can't do it anymore.  I know he must feel so much better.  His stress level is high enough without worrying about whether or not his wife is going off the deep end.  And believe me, that was not a far fetched worry.  I honestly believed I had one foot in the door of a hospital.  It was that bad.

Antidepressants is definitely not where I wanted to go.  But I had to realize that I need to take care of my family and I wasn't able to do that.  I had to put a lot of pride aside, admit that I couldn't do it alone, and recognize that this wasn't about me, it's about my girls.  My girls deserve a mother who is present with them and can handle life.

I'm so thankful for all of you who have been praying for me and who have send encouraging emails and texts.  I cannot tell you how they helped get me through some really dark days.  I'm definitely still at the beginning of this journey, but I feel like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I was beginning to think there wasn't a light.

Quick Takes

Yes, I know it's Saturday... :)  Here we go...


1.  Some days I think things are getting better, then other days they appear to be getting worse.  Much, much worse.  I honestly don't have the energy to explain everything that has happened as far as me seeing a counselor, a doctor, and my midwife over the past few weeks in order to get to the root and fix my anxiety.  Let's just say counseling is going well, my doctor was a joke, and my midwife is amazing!  I am now on B12 shots (daily for now, then lowering) and have an appointment with a doctor on Wednesday who comes highly recommended from my midwife (it's her doctor).  I am praying he has answers for me.

2.  I'm throwing a baby shower early next month for my youngest sister who is having a little boy in October.  I'm broke and have very little time.  Anyone have any suggestion for inexpensive and easy baby shower type things?  I want it to be nice but I can't go into debt over it and I'm really, really lacking in extra hours in each day.

3.   My sweet Mary-Grace has definitely entered the toddler phase.   With that comes tantrums, lots and lots of tantrums.  I love this kid but man is she dancing on my last nerve.  Her new favorite thing is to throw things.  Unfortunately somethings these things land on her little sisters head.

4.  I have lived in Florida my whole life but I can no longer take the heat and humidity.  It is seriously like a freaking sauna outside.  I hate to even walk to the mailbox.  I'm ready to move.

5.  I think Hannah may be an early crawler.  At 4 1/2 months she is able to scoot on her belly all over the place.  Cracks me up.  I think she's trying to keep up with her big sister.

6.  Mary-Grace finished up swim lessons last week.  She definitely can't swim on her own yet but she is doing amazing and K learned all the tools to keep teaching her.  Living in Florida, knowing how to swim is not an option.

7.  Last night a good friend of mine from high school came over with her fiance for dinner.  She live about an hour away so we rarely see each other anymore.  It was so nice and just what I needed.  And she brought wine and chocolate.  I love her.  :)  I made this as one of our sides.  SO GOOD!  I plan on adding a little mozzarella and maybe some basil for lunch one day this week.  YUM!!!

Why I Love My Husband

...Because he fights for me when I can't or don't have the will to fight for myself.  Because he picks up the slack when I don't have the energy.  Because he calls doctors, makes appointments, and asks questions when I don't have the courage.  Because he pushes me to at least try, even when I feel like it is pointless.  Because he encourages me to have hope even when it looks hopeless.  Because he holds me tight and cries with me when I feel like my world is collapsing.  Because he loves me no matter how difficult I am...no matter what.  Because he tells me I'm beautiful every day, even when I'm still in the same pj's that I was when he left for work.

I am a blessed woman.  So very, very blessed.

Two Years

Two years ago today I entered the church.  You can read about my conversion here.

That same weekend we found out about our sweet Peanut.

You can read about the actual weekend here and here.

Then a little less than one year later it happened again!

And no, I'm not coming here to announce a number 3.  We have to get my head right first.

The past two years have been a wild ride!  It's overwhelming to think of all of the blessings K and I have received.  And while things aren't so great as far as my mental state at the moment, I will always, always be so thankful for my two beautiful babies, and the Catholic Church.

This really is my dream come true.

Please ignore the robe and pj pants. :) This was taken 2 days after Hannah's birth.

My Plan

I had a horrible weekend (and Monday).  HORRIBLE!  My anxiety was at an all time high and I had a panic attack that I thought for sure was going to land me in a psychiatric ward.  It was bad, really, really, bad.  I wrote about it but for the time being have decided not to post it.  I feel like for right now I need to try to move forward and think about what I need to do to fix this.  I do not want to live like this.  I cannot continue to live like this.  It's not an option.

First of all K and I are desperately searching for a therapist.  I found a website that helps you to find Catholic ones, however there were only 2 listed for the state of Florida.  One was about 6 hours North of me, the other 6 hours South.  That certainly won't work.  So how the heck to I pick a person to bare the depths of my soul to?  I can pull our insurance provider list up.  But how does that help me pick someone I'm compatible with?  Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.  I do believe that this PPD is hormonal in nature, but I also believe that some of it is some deep routed issues from my past (specifically involving my mother).  I need to talk this out with a professional.

Next, exercise.  I used to be an athlete.  I played softball from the time I was 6 until 18.  I played competitively on a travel team as well as a regular league.  I also ran track in high school.  I loved it and remember it being a great way to blow off steam.  An injury sidelined me and I just never got back into any of it once I recovered.  I've gotten terribly out of shape since and it's caused my self-esteem to tank.  K is a runner so I decided what the heck, why don't I get back into running.  Last week I started C25K and we have a love/hate relationship.  I like that it's getting my heart pumping but I really despise running.  I loath it.  But I'm determined to stick with it.

I was at a baby shower about 2 weeks ago and this woman started telling me about this thing called Stro.ller Sr.rides.  It's a way of exercising with your babies in a stroller.  It sounded interesting but when I looked it up it was a bit expensive, especially if I paid for it and didn't like it.  Well I just saw it as a Livi.ngSoc.ial deal at over 50% off.  I decided it was a sign and bought it.  I'll be starting that next week.

So the plan?
Monday, Wednesday, Friday - Sro.ller St.rides
Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday - C25K
Sunday - Rest

I'm hoping the exercise helps burn off some steam and lessens my anxiety.  If anything, it should at least help me to get into shape and boost my self-esteem.

I'm also working on cleaning and organizing my house.  I've never been a super neat person and I am bad about clutter.  It never used to bother me but it definitely does now.  In fact, clutter and mess is what caused one of my anxiety attacks this past weekend.  So, I'm working on a list of every area of the house that needs to be decluttered and deep cleaned.  I plan to make them small areas that will take me no more than 30 minutes to clean.  I want to work on one area each night after Mary-Grace goes to bed.

I think meal planning is a huge piece of organization.  I've been doing it weekly but I think I'm going to switch to monthly.  I also want to include int his menu snacks, breakfast (mostly for MG) and lunch (again, mostly for MG).  I also want to work in one day a month where I make a few freezer meals for those days when nothing seems to be going right and we need something easy.

I'm also working on a housekeeping schedule.  Of course certain things have to be done daily (dishes, counters, etc).  But I want a weekly schedule for things like vacuuming, mopping, laundry (the girls, mine and K's, sheets/towels, and diapers), bathrooms, dusting, grocery shopping, etc.  I'm hoping that some sort of schedule will help things not get away from me so I won't get so overwhelmed.

Not to mention prayer.  My prayer life has slipped terribly since Hannah's birth.  I just don't find the time and I need to.  I've decided to buy a prayer journal.  I do better when I write so why not write my prayers?  I learned about prayer journals when I took a prayer seminar thing while I was pregnant with Mary-Grace.  It was amazing and I need to get back to the things I learned.  I'm going to go buy myself a nice, pretty journal that I love and a nice pen so it will encourage me to use it.  I know that may sound silly, but I've always had a thing for stationary and office supplies.

Any other suggestions?  I'm open to everything and willing to try almost anything.