My Morning Surprise

Today is CD1.  I told myself that I wouldn't get upset.  I told myself it was silly to think that after all of those months of avoiding because they said we had to, because they said it wasn't safe to get pregnant, that I'd get pregnant on the first try.  I knew that was silly.  But I did it anyway.  I let optimism creep in and now I'm really down.  I knew AF was on her way.  I could feel it last Wednesday.  I new she was sneaking up.  But when P+13 came and went yesterday and my PMS symptoms subsided I allowed my hopes to rise again.  I've never made it past P+12.  Never.  And I know 13 is just one more day but considering that my lp used to be 8 or so it's really strange to go to 13.  Even with the HCG I've never gone that far.  So needless to say AF was not welcome when I found her at 5am this morning.

It's raining outside.  It's really cloudy and dreary and humid.  It's not helping my mood.  It just looks sad outside.  I would love nothing more than to just go home and curl up in bed with my little Oscar Dog and sleep.  CD1 always brings tears for me.  Even when we were avoiding.  I guess it's the hormone change...and the overall just not feeling good.  I haven't even told DH yet.  I just didn't feel like talking about it this morning.  I know how bad he wants children.  The family who received the Elijah Cup last night at Mass had 9 children.  NINE!  DH just looked at me and smiled.  He said "that would be so nice."  I know he wasn't saying that to make me feel bad but it hurt.  I got this overwhelming feeling of guilt.  I would love nothing more than to have children with DH.  And nine would be wonderful!  There is just something so magical about a baby.  It's such a physical representation of two peoples love for each other.  I want that.  I want that more than anything.