Can't Sleep

So it's like 12:45 am...way, way past my bedtime.  I tried to go to sleep, really I did, but I just can't.  I just can't seem to shut my crazy little brain off.  There is so much swimming around up there it's enough to drive a person to the crazy house.

The big thing swimming in my brain is my "coming home."  It's on my mind constantly.  I'm so happy, excited, amazed, joyful, nervous, anxious, etc. etc.  I honestly have no idea how to put my feelings into any words that make even the slightest bit of sense.  I was telling dh today that the feelings are so similar to the feelings I had leading up to our wedding day.  I have a feelings that my emotions on that day will be very similar too.  I'm sure tears will be shed.  DH sent out an email to his family tonight letting them know.  We've already received a few responses and I was so happy to read the kind words that some of his aunts had to say.  I got a little teary reading them.  Honestly, I feel like I need to soak up every feeling and every thought in these upcoming weeks.  I want to forever ingrain all of this in my mind.  I don't want to forget what brought me to this point in my life.  I want to remember everything so that I can always grow and always have this foundation to fall back on.

Infertility of course is always on my mind as well.  I have such mixed emotions.  Like I mentioned in my post earlier today I feel like I am subconsciously trying to sabotage our trying.  It's fear I know.  Fear of another failed cycle.  Fear of another CD1 heartbreak.  Like I said before, thankfully dh is here to keep me in check.  I'm so glad he is, I know that if we didn't use a "good" day I would always wonder if that was the day we needed to finally conceive.  Make sense?

My job has also been a huge source of stress lately.  I'm just not happy with it.  I know this is terrible to say, but I feel like I am just buying time until we do have children and I can stay home with them.  The tears have been a flowin' lately and dh can't stand to see me so upset.  He on numerous occasions has told me to just quit.  But I can't seem to bring myself to do it.  We could make it with only his income, but there would be absolutely no extras.  No cable, no gym memberships, no putting money into savings.  I don't know that I want to live like that right now.  DH is due for a raise, which would make a huge difference.  I've been praying about it, trying to figure out what I should do but I can't come up with a decision.  I don't want to make a decision based on emotions.  There has been so much drama revolving around my job lately that I don't want that to be what sways me in a particular direction...although, according to dh, all the drama is exactly what should sway me in a particular direction.

On a much happier note (I really hate how my posts seem to be so negative lately), I am going to pick out paint colors tomorrow.  Our living room/kitchen/dining room is getting a makeover!  I'm so stinkin' excited!  Maybe I'll post before and after pictures.

Oh, and apparently dh told his family (in the email about my joining the Church) that I have been making rosaries...well two of his aunts want to buy several from me.  Woohoo!  I just started making them for fun, because I wanted to do something crafty, because I needed to do something with my hands.  I figured I would give them as gifts (dh had other plans though).  This is pretty cool too thought.  I'm thinking about getting into making some jewelry too.  Now that would be cool to sell!

I guess I should apologize for any run-ons and misspelled words.  I'm too tired to proof read.  Not that that helps much seeing as my dyslexia makes that difficult.  Did I ever mention that I am dyslexic?  Well I am.  It mainly affects my spelling and sometimes I switch numbers around.  Fortunately my reading isn't affected...that I am good at.