Spiritual Direction

Last week K approached me with possibly making an appointment with Fr. Carlos.  Fr. Carlos is an amazing priest at our parish.  He's pretty young (only 34), but one of the most genuine and spiritual people I have ever met.  K and I have developed a wonderful relationship with him and he has taken special interest in sweet Mary-Grace.  He is on the road to becoming a spiritual director very soon and is just one of those people that is very easy to talk to.

Anyhoo...K suggested that I make an appointment with him.  I was having trouble talking about how I was feeling as I usually do and also feeling guilty for the feelings I was having.  I was unsure because I didn't know if what I was going through was important enough to bother him.  I wasn't even sure how to approach it.  I'm really really not good at sharing my feelings with people.  So, K made the appointment for me and then just said to cancel if I didn't want to go.

I considered canceling but then completely forgot all about it.  This morning when K woke me up to tell me he was leaving for work he reminded me that I had an appointment at 9:30.  Crap!  I forgot to cancel.

When I pulled into the church parking lot my heart was racing and felt like it was going to pop out of my chest.  I considered just leaving and saying that I forgot all about the appointment.  I can't believe how nervous I was.

When I went into Fr. Carlos' office he put me at ease immediately.  He asked about MG and how I was feeling.  He showed me some pictures on his wall and talked about each one.  I'm pretty sure he could tell I was nervous and was trying to relax me.  We then sat down and he said the most amazing prayer.  And the tears started to flow.  He brought up my Nana (I didn't know he knew why I was there) and asked me to tell him about her.  It didn't take long for him to get a feel for the type of woman she was.  He asked I was feeling and told me to be brutally honest.  He reassured me that my feelings were just that, my feelings, and that there was no reason to suppress them.  He was even able to drag feelings out of me that I wasn't even aware I was feeling.

He did the most amazing thing with me that I can already tell has helped and will be something I will be able to continue to use.  It's something I won't be able to explain fully or give justice to, but trust me, it was awesome!

He had me close my eyes and picture Christ on the cross.  He told me to ask Him to take away my sadness.  So I did.  When I opened my eyes he asked me how I felt along with some other questions.  But I told Fr. Carlos I was feeling lonely and I didn't understand why.  I told him I've been blessed with a great family, wonderful friends, and an amazing husband, and yet I feel lonely.  So he had me close my eyes again and picture Christ again, only this time when I saw him he wasn't on the cross for some reason.  I kept seeing him standing in front of me with this beautiful white robe with gold trim and it looked like we were standing in the clouds.  I kind of chuckled at this because this is my childhood image of heaven.  I always imagined it in the clouds. :)  Fr. Carlos gave me a few more things to do and some questions I could ask Jesus.  He asked me to give him my sadness and loneliness again.  When I opened my eyes he asked what He did with it.  I told him he took it out of my hands and was holding onto it for me.  He asked me what His face looked like (expression wise) and I told him he looked sad.  Not sad for me or sad because I was making him sad but sad with me.  He then asked me to close my eyes again and allow Christ to wrap his arms around me.  When I closed my eyes again I not only saw Christ standing there, I saw my Nana.  She was there standing right next to Christ.  When I allowed Christ to put his arms around me I felt Nana.  It felt exactly like one of her hugs.  I could actually feel her skin and smell her.  I cannot explain it but it was the most amazing feeling.

Father asked me what I thought about all of that and I told him that I thought it was His and her way of telling me that I was not alone.  Christ is with me and Nana is right there too.  I told him the most amazing part was that my Nana was standing.  Not all bent over and in pain the way she has for so long, but standing upright.  She looked so beautiful.  And she looked so happy. 

Father asked me if I would rather Nana be here and still suffering or if I wanted her to be there with Christ, healthy and happy.  I told him the selfish me wants her here, but that seeing that image of her made me realize that she is so much happier there.  It is us, her family that are hurting here but she is not hurting.  She is with Christ where there is no sadness, no pain, and no more suffering.

He asked me to try to remember that just because she is gone from here she is still here with me.  And that as much as I thought I needed her here, and as much help as I though she gave me here, she will be able to do so much more there.  He joked about how she now had special connections. :)  He told me to remember that in that moment that I was there with Christ and Nana, Mary-Grace was there too.  Nana will be sure to make sure that Mary-Grace knows her.  She will do it in her own special way.  He said that Mary-Grace already knows her and has a special prayer warrior for her in heaven.  He asked me if Nana told me anything, and she did.  She told me that it was ok to be sad, but to remember that everything was going to be ok.  I believe her.  For the first time in my life, I think everything is going to be ok.  I am going to be ok.  Sure this still hurts.  And it will more than likely hurt for a long time, but it is going to be ok. 

Father also asked if I felt a Mary connection to the whole thing.  I told him I did.  He said he could really feel Mary in all of this and I told him I wasn't surprised.  Our Blessed Mother keeps showing herself to me in just about everything.  Maybe it's about time I start writing it off as coincidence and go with it. :)

He challenged me to go to that same place every time I pray.  I will definitely be trying that.  It was the most amazing place.  It's hard to explain, but it was more than just in my mind, I was there.  I felt it, and it was warm.  Is that strange?

I know that it is going to take time to heal.  I can't expect this to happen over night.  However, I now feel like I've been given permission to grieve and to work towards moving on and finding a new normal.  And now I feel like it's all going to be ok.  Nana told me so.  And trust me, she wouldn't lie to me. :)