Coming Clean

Last year not long after I became pregnant with Hannah I admitted to y'all that I was struggling with some PPD issues.  Looking back the issues begun shortly after Mary-Grace was born.  I ignored it as I tend to do with most things medical and hoped that it would just go away.  I'm a bit like my Nana was in that if I ignore something I convince myself that nothing is really wrong.  If I don't admit it, it isn't there.  It's a horrible coping mechanism that has done nothing but cause me problems.  You would think that after the countless issues that I have ignored that have only gotten worse, not better like my brain seems to tell me they will, I would learn to speak up when something isn't right.

Well I haven't...

After finally admitting last year that I was having issues I still chose not to treat them.  I was pregnant and didn't want to take any of the drugs that are considered "safe" while pregnant.  None of them were safe enough in my mind so, I decided to try to treat things with some behavior modifications and such.  It didn't work, but I convinced myself it did.

The other day I was supposed to have a follow up appointment with my Creighton Instructor.  I had an appointment at 6 weeks with her and began charting right away.  My cycles returned not long after that (or so I thought).  She wanted to meet with me again to make sure I remembered how to chart since I've been pregnant for the last 18 out of 24 months.  Anyway, I emailed her to reschedule my appointment.  I explained that I was still bleeding (the issues with my bleeding are a whole other post for another day...but I'm basically still bleeding...almost 12 weeks pp).  When she replied, she just happened to ask me how I was feeling.  I'm not sure what prompted this.  She actually very specifically asked me if I was anxious, sad, crying a lot, feeling despair, etc. etc.  I thought it was strange but replied to her that my anxiety is out of control and I'm feeling very overwhelmed but I have two very young babies so that should be expected right?  She responded and told me that she forwarded my email to my napro consultant, Dr. G.  She said she was worried about me and just wanted to make sure Dr. G was aware of what was going on.

To be honest, I thought she was just emailing her regarding the insane pp bleeding that no one can figure out (I've been checked, no retained placenta).  The next day I got a call from Dr. G.  Rather than focus on the bleeding she asked me a lot of questions regarding my emotional state.  I was very tempted to lie (I know that sounds horrible but it's the truth).  I am not good at admitting things that involve my mental state.  I know this is because I come from a very strong history of mental illness.  My whole life I have felt that if I admit that I'm not ok mentally people are going to think I'm crazy.  Then if people think I'm crazy I'm going to end up being just like my mom.  I know this is ridiculous, but I can't seem to shake it.  I even got up and went into my bedroom to talk to her so that K wouldn't here what I was telling her.

Once she was done with the questions she told me that it sounded like I am suffering from some pretty significant PPD.  She said thought that she did believe it is hormonal given my history  ( I believe it may also be thyroid and adrenal related but since I can't get a doctor to listen to me regarding that, I'll take what I can get).  She called in a prescription for progesterone hoping that we could treat it that way.  I cannot take PIO any longer due to an allergic reaction I had while pregnant with Mary-Grace so I will be taking 3 200mg pills everyday for 10 days.  She said within a day or two I should notice some improvement.  I'm on day 3 and nothing.  No difference what so ever.  My anxiety is out of control.

I've been trying to open up to K about this.  I have always been able to talk to him about anything.  For some reason though, I'm really struggling to talk to him about what's going on in my head.  What I'm trying to explain never seems to come out right.  Talking about it just tends to make me feel more crazy (I'm hoping writing about it helps).

This has been going on far too long! Well over a year is too long to suffer from PPD.  WAY TOO LONG!  I'm praying for some relief soon.  It makes me very sad to think back to Mary-Grace's first year and realize how much I missed because I wasn't ok.  It saddens me to think that the same thing is happening with Hannah's first year.  I need to be honest with myself and face this.  I have to make myself realize that it's ok if people think I'm crazy once they realize what is happening in my head.  It's ok, because I am not.  Obviously I'm having some serious difficulties that I need help with.  It has become very clear that I cannot do this on my own.  I have to get better for my babies.  I have realized with the help of K, that this isn't about me anymore.  I cannot be stubborn because my stubbornness will affect my babies.

I ask that you please pray for me.  I have a feeling there is a long road ahead of me.

I'm going to post next exactly how my mid has been working so y'all can understand what I mean...and to force myself to admit all of this.  I feel like admitting this is a step in the right direction.