I had a horrible weekend (and Monday). HORRIBLE! My anxiety was at an all time high and I had a panic attack that I thought for sure was going to land me in a psychiatric ward. It was bad, really, really, bad. I wrote about it but for the time being have decided not to post it. I feel like for right now I need to try to move forward and think about what I need to do to fix this. I do not want to live like this. I cannot continue to live like this. It's not an option.
First of all K and I are desperately searching for a therapist. I found a website that helps you to find Catholic ones, however there were only 2 listed for the state of Florida. One was about 6 hours North of me, the other 6 hours South. That certainly won't work. So how the heck to I pick a person to bare the depths of my soul to? I can pull our insurance provider list up. But how does that help me pick someone I'm compatible with? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. I do believe that this PPD is hormonal in nature, but I also believe that some of it is some deep routed issues from my past (specifically involving my mother). I need to talk this out with a professional.
Next, exercise. I used to be an athlete. I played softball from the time I was 6 until 18. I played competitively on a travel team as well as a regular league. I also ran track in high school. I loved it and remember it being a great way to blow off steam. An injury sidelined me and I just never got back into any of it once I recovered. I've gotten terribly out of shape since and it's caused my self-esteem to tank. K is a runner so I decided what the heck, why don't I get back into running. Last week I started C25K and we have a love/hate relationship. I like that it's getting my heart pumping but I really despise running. I loath it. But I'm determined to stick with it.
I was at a baby shower about 2 weeks ago and this woman started telling me about this thing called Stro.ller Sr.rides. It's a way of exercising with your babies in a stroller. It sounded interesting but when I looked it up it was a bit expensive, especially if I paid for it and didn't like it. Well I just saw it as a Livi.ngSoc.ial deal at over 50% off. I decided it was a sign and bought it. I'll be starting that next week.
So the plan?
Monday, Wednesday, Friday - Sro.ller St.rides
Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday - C25K
Sunday - Rest
I'm hoping the exercise helps burn off some steam and lessens my anxiety. If anything, it should at least help me to get into shape and boost my self-esteem.
I'm also working on cleaning and organizing my house. I've never been a super neat person and I am bad about clutter. It never used to bother me but it definitely does now. In fact, clutter and mess is what caused one of my anxiety attacks this past weekend. So, I'm working on a list of every area of the house that needs to be decluttered and deep cleaned. I plan to make them small areas that will take me no more than 30 minutes to clean. I want to work on one area each night after Mary-Grace goes to bed.
I think meal planning is a huge piece of organization. I've been doing it weekly but I think I'm going to switch to monthly. I also want to include int his menu snacks, breakfast (mostly for MG) and lunch (again, mostly for MG). I also want to work in one day a month where I make a few freezer meals for those days when nothing seems to be going right and we need something easy.
I'm also working on a housekeeping schedule. Of course certain things have to be done daily (dishes, counters, etc). But I want a weekly schedule for things like vacuuming, mopping, laundry (the girls, mine and K's, sheets/towels, and diapers), bathrooms, dusting, grocery shopping, etc. I'm hoping that some sort of schedule will help things not get away from me so I won't get so overwhelmed.
Not to mention prayer. My prayer life has slipped terribly since Hannah's birth. I just don't find the time and I need to. I've decided to buy a prayer journal. I do better when I write so why not write my prayers? I learned about prayer journals when I took a prayer seminar thing while I was pregnant with Mary-Grace. It was amazing and I need to get back to the things I learned. I'm going to go buy myself a nice, pretty journal that I love and a nice pen so it will encourage me to use it. I know that may sound silly, but I've always had a thing for stationary and office supplies.
Any other suggestions? I'm open to everything and willing to try almost anything.
Long overdue final update (such a good one)!
7 months ago
I just happened upon your blog through my sister's link on her blog. Please be assured of my prayers for you as you navigate this difficult time. I have experienced severe anxiety myself, so I know what a great suffering it can be.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to bring your attention to a group of Catholic therapists who are of the highest quality, and who offer telephone counseling sessions. I have used them for myself and for my daughter (who was also dealing with an anxiety disorder), and we have had a wonderful experience with both counselors that we used. They are faithful to the teachings of the Church, understanding of the demands of Catholic family life, and committed to the highest standards of care. Please do consider them as an option for getting help. You'd be amazed at how much can be helped through the techniques that good, Catholic counseling can provide. For those who may have financial difficulties when it comes to affording their services, they are quite generous in using a sliding scale for payment. They truly want to help those who need them, and they don't let lack of money get in the way of that. And I can't say enough about the benefit of having therapy in the comfort of your own home, at convenient times of day or night.
May God bless you!
http://www.exceptionalmarriages.com/services.htm
Michelle Halpin
I am really sorry you are experiencing so much anxiety! I have always struggled with anxiety as well. I encourage you to call the Pope Paul Institute, since you are a Creughton user (I think). Tell them you think it could be somewhat related to hormones and postpartum. They helped me so much! Feel free to email me of you have any questions.
ReplyDeleteAll of your ideas sound great! I think the stroller strides sounds fun and you will meet other Mom's.
I will continue to pray for you!
I would call your Parrish office and ask them. They may have a preferred Catholic therapist they can refer you to. If you're not comfortable with that, I would second the telephone sessions.
ReplyDeleteAs far as PPD, progesterone? PPVI should be able to help? Have you talked to Dr. G? It may be outside of her realm, but she can contact PPVI or she also may know of a counselor. (I love Dr. G!)
I think you are off to a great start with your ideas. I will be praying for you.
That sounds like an awesome plan! I would also say to schedule some time just for you. Even if it's just a few minutes a day, where K watches the girls and you do something relaxing...no chores, nothing obligatory...take a bubble bath, read a magazine, paint your nails...just a little something for you. Maybe you are already doing that. Anyway, I think that plan will make a big difference!
ReplyDeleteAll of your plans sound great! And exercise has totally helped me with depression. I find that on the days I don't exercise, I am really depressed and moody. I hate running too so I've ordered a few exercising DVDs and my husband gives me some time after dinner to work out. I switch it up so I don't get bored. Also a friend was telling me about an iphone app called "from couch to 5K" which helps you improve your running stamina. It sounds really cool.
ReplyDeleteGreat idea about the prayer journal. I might have to start one myself.
God Bless!
Sounds like you are doing the right things, especially with exercise. I always thought this chart was interesting and exercise is the most popular and most effective anxiety treatment according to their work.
ReplyDeleteAlso, for your cleaning schedule, have you ever looked at FlyLady online (flylady.net)? Good schedules and tips for cleaning and maintaining your house without loosing your mind :)
Oh, and I also like the book "When Panic Attacks: The New, Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life" by David Burns.
becareful stressing those adrenals out exercising...Sorry I had to say it! ;)
ReplyDeleteI am sending you a gigantic hug! I deal with anxiety also. I find that mine always peaks after the birth of a baby as well. I have deep seated problems with my own mother, and I find that the concrete act of mothering a newborn brings all of that pain right up to the surface. It truly, truly sucks! However, the good news is that having you go through this is God's way of helping you heal. I am a far, far better Mother because I have to keep revisiting this painful place in my soul with every new baby.
ReplyDeleteHave Hope.
Pray for a therapist, and be open. God could surprise you with a "regular" one from your insurance company who is just extra great.
Exercise. One of my friends teaches stroller strides in Virginia and it sounds great.
Drink water! Drink Gatoraid. Baby your body during this hard process.
Romance. Candlelight in a hot bath. Go rent a girly romance movie.
Phone a friend. I don't care HOW BAD your anxiety attack was, or how personal your complicated family history is---friends and online blog strangers can relate! You are not alone. Practice "resiliance" Other mothers can relate and will offer reassurance that they bounced back from these hard feelings too.
http://www.exceptionalmarriages.com/
ReplyDeleteThis is a Catholic program that I used last year for a few months. It's tele-therapy! You and your therapist talk on the phone! It was awesome! They do not, however work witn insurance so you have to pay on the front end and submit it to insurance which I had no problem doing. My insurance didn't cover all of the cost, but a good bit of it.
And it doesn't have to drag on and on. I was very clear with my therapist that money was a big issue and I didn't want to talk about everything that had ever happened to me in my life. I had already done that with other counselors. She was amazing. She was very problem focused and so great at directing me spiritually and practically. I had little homework assignments and it was very fruitful. Che got in on a few sessions with us and it was great. I highly highly recommend them. They were founded by Dr. Gregory Popcek who is a well known author, most notably his book called Parenting with Grace. I have it and woudl be happy to loan it to you.
All that being said, i think what you are saying sounds good. When our lives feel out of order, it makes everything out of order. After I had Maggie, I remember I had to assign a chor to each day of the week so I would have a goal that day and something to do. I still do that. I make my menus for each week and a grocery list to go with. i used to do two weeks at a time but found I was constantly running back to the store for one or two things then buying 10! I make a "stay home" day, usually Monday where I catch up on chores or laundry or et the house back in order from the weekend. I just thrive on order. Not to be confused with perfection or cleanliness or perfect children:) What you are doing is good! I hope you take a look and consider the Pastoral Solutions folks. I have recommended them to my sister as well and she was so happy with them. If you want to chat more, I can give you my number.
Oh yes, I sought out the only napro doc around ffor some progesterone therapy and it was soooo much help. Sew even came with me:)
ReplyDelete