Prayers For A Friend

Thank you ladies for all of your kind words yesterday.  I was feeling very down but I'm happy to say that I am feeling much better.  I can feel your prayers.

I'm asking for a prayer request today.  This isn't for me but rather for a dear friend.  Let me give you a bit of a background story.

I work at a small school for special needs children.  About 3 years ago I met a wonderful family whose daughter was going to this school.  This young lady stole my heart from day one.  She was diagnosed with a few things that caused both physical and mental impairments.  Despite all of her troubles her family is committed to treating this young lady just as they do their other two children.  The give her absolutely everything they can to help her lead a life that is as "normal" as possible.  Over the course of the two years that I worked with this girl the family and I became very close.  I was so sad that she aged out and would not be here this year.  However, through the wonders of fac.eboo.k we have been able to keep in touch.  Today this little girl (I say little but she is now 18) and her mother came by to see me.  The mom (we'll call her T) told me that her daughter (we'll call her C) has been asking about me for weeks and begging to come see me.  Of course that just melted my heart.  T and I got to talking and she told me that C hasn't been doing so well.  Apparently she has been having seizure that are triggered by urination.  This is an extremely rare trigger for epilepsy!  Her neuro said that in looking back at all of her medical books there is only 6 recorded cases of this.  The poor girl is so scared to have a seizure that she has been refusing to urinate.  T told me that she has gone 36 hours without going.  This sounds impossible but due to some of her other medical issues she has poor muscle tone which just allows her abdomen to expand..  Poor C looks about 5 months pregnant because her bladder is so full.  The doctors are trying seizure meds but unfortunately with all of her other problems her body metabolizes medication differently.  She has been having terrible reactions and is now not sleeping.  This has now been going on for 9 months.  The doctors are at a loss and have no clue what to do with her.  There is the option to cath but they are worried about infection.  C is also 18 so they are worried about the psychological damage as well (she does not have the fine motor skills needed to cath herself everyday).  Besides, cathing will not control the seizures, it will just protect her kidney which are at serious risk considering she is not urinating for 36 hours at a time.

I'm begging you guys for your prayers for this family and especially C.  You can see how exhausted T and C are.  C just isn't herself.  It's so sad to see.  I'm praying that the doctors are able to find the right combination of medications that will but an end to this.

Thank you all so much.  I know that the power of prayer works.  I can feel your prayers everyday.

Struggles

I have been an absolute emotional wreck!  You would think being given the green light I would be feeling a bit better.  It's quite the opposite though.  I have such mixed feelings in my head and I can't seem to sort them out.  I feel like an emotional basket case.  I've been crying for days now at the drop of a hat.  This doesn't work so well when you work with children.  I just can't figure me out.  In one hand I have so much hope but in the other hand I feel so hopeless.  I feel like I've lost some of my joy, my spunk, my positive outlook.  I feel like I walk around in a haze and am just doing what I can to get through each day.

I'm on p+2 today.  I know that the hormone shift is partially why I'm feeling a bit down.  PMS has always been an issue of mine.  But honestly, I've felt like this for over a week now.  I've been in a "funk" for several months now but the last week or two has been ridiculous.  I feel like it started when Dr. G lifted the ttc ban.

DH and I ttc for a very long time before we found Crei.ghton and Nap.ro.  After we found them Dr. G and our FCP put us on lock down.  My charts were UGLY!  It was so obvious from looking at them that there was some serious hormone issues.  Dr. G even made the comment that she wouldn't be surprised if I hadn't had some miscarriages already and didn't know (this was judging from some really odd periods I told them about).  I felt so guilty and was so happy to find this Godsend.  When they told us that we really should avoid until we got my body sorted out I was upset but so hopeful.  At first I avoided without much complaint.  I knew that what we were doing was going to be the best for me and for my baby that I was so sure we would have.  As the months dragged on my feelings went from hopeful to frustrated.  I understood avoiding in the beginning but 11 months of it was getting ridiculous.  How would we ever know if all we were doing was working if we couldn't even try?

Then two weeks ago we finally got the go ahead.  A part of me was thrilled but a huge part of me was terrified.  We debated on if we would go ahead and use this cycle (I knew I would probably peak within a week or two) or just wait until the next one.  We decided on a whim Saturday after having 10KL all day to go ahead and start trying.  I had 3 days of 10KL AD!  That is awesome in my book!  So you think I would be excited.  We had amazing timing and it was nice not to feel like we were once again throwing away another cycle.  I have felt closer to dh in the last couple of days than I have in a really long time.  We are already so close that it's hard to imagine it being better.  I felt much closer to him than when we were trying before Crei.ghton.  It's such an amazing feeling.

However, there is just something inside me that is wreaking havoc on my emotions.  I can't quite put my finger on it.  I feel like just curling into a ball and sobbing.  I hate being like this.  People used to always comment on how I was always smiling.  I always looked so happy.  Now people are always asking me if I'm ok, or if something is wrong.  I know it's because I don't have that joy that I used to have.  I hate it!  I hate not being myself.

I was talking to dh last night and told him how I'm feeling.  He's an amazing man.  I can't put into words how blessed I am.  I asked him what's wrong with me.  I told him that I couldn't understand why I couldn't just be happy.  I told him that I thought that after all of this time waiting I would be happy to try.  And hopeful.  You would think I would be hopeful.  But I'm not.  It doesn't matter that I had great cm.  It doesn't matter that we had great timing.  None of that matters to me.  I still feel like this is never going to happen.  He reassured me the best that he can.  He reminded me that this is out of my hands, that we did everything we could and now it is up to God.  Sadly, that wasn't much comfort.

I don't know what to do.  I don't know how I can control my emotional craziness.  I feel lost.  I want to be happy, I really do.  I want to fully trust that God is in control of this.  But sometimes I struggle.  I want to have hope and joy, but I feel like I can't find it.  I just want to be myself again.  I miss the old me.  I miss the girl I was before infertility.  I want to find that girl again.

Green Light Go! Maybe...

I finally heard back from Dr. G!  I emailed her last Saturday to tell her how much better my last two cycles have been and hadn't heard back from her.  They were pretty darn close to textbook.  In her response she told me that dh and I need to pray about when we should start actually trying to achieve a pregnancy.  She said that as long as my cycles are being consistently good and I'm feeling good she would leave ttc up to us.

So after yesterday's post you would think I would be jumping out of my chair with excitement that we have been given the green light.  But...I'm not.  I don't like that she left it up to us.  I'm the kind of person who just needs someone to tell me what to do.  I second guess myself a lot!  It's really hard for me to make decisions like this.  I think that the 11 months of avoiding have caused a lot of anticipation to build and now I am PETRIFIED!

I've been praying about when the right time would be for the last 11 months.  I've been especially praying about it for the past 4 or so cycles.  I have such mixed feelings.  I have never felt like I truly hear what God is trying to tell me.  I can't differentiate whether it's my own thoughts and desires or Gods.  And no matter what I decide there is going to be that little piece of me who doubts.

There is a huge part of me that is totally and completely ready.  A huge part of me says go for it!  But then there's this little voice that says "what if."  Ugh!  I thought I would be excited but I'm so confused!

DH says we should go for it.  He says that we are never going to know until we try.  He reminded me that we spent a lot of time "trying" before we found out about Crei.ghton and then it was just truly winging it.  Now we actually have the tools to know what we are doing and increase our chances.  I trust his judgment and I know he has been praying about it.  I know he wants this as badly as I do.  I see the way he plays with our nephews...I see the way he looks at the little babies at church.  I can tell it melts his heart.  And seeing him melts mine.

So...let's say that we do go for it.  I'm still pre-peak this cycle, should we start now?  Or should we just finish out this cycle and wait for next?  Decisions, decisions.

Now this question is going to see totally ridiculous but I have to ask.  Is there a "right" way to try?  Since DH and I have been charting our practitioner has only taught us how to avoid because it was very obvious that something was wrong.  There has to be a method to this madness.  I realize that peak type cm days are ideal.  I just figure there is some kind of formula or something.  Does that sound crazy?  I don't know...I think it's my nerves getting to me.  I just need someone to tell me what to do.  It's easier that way. :)

Bad Days

I'd like to say that on the outside I'm a realist.  I'm not overly optimistic and I'm not overly pessimistic.  I think that I look at things rationally with all of the information and make realistic conclusions and predictions.  I try hard not to sway one way or the other too much.  I don't want to come off as a "Negative Nancy," as my husband would say.  But I also do not want to seem ignorantly optimistic.

On the inside however I feel like I have two very dominant view points and they are battling to see which one will win.  I don't feel like this when it come to everything.  Some feelings and opinions are no brainers.  And let me tell you, I'm one opinionated chick!  But then there are the tough things, the things that I don't know what to think about.  The things that tug at every piece of my soul.  Infertility is one of those thing.  I can often see the light.  I can imagine that one day all of this will end and dh and I will have a little baby of our own.  But at the same time I can feel very hopeless.  I can feel like this is never going to stop and that they will never be able to fix me.

Unfortunately, I feel like the hopeless side of me is taking over more often than not.  Sure there are good days.  There are days when I can talk about my infertility and not get angry or sad...or be embarrassed (Is anyone else sometimes embarrassed by IF?).  There have on occasion been times when I can see a pregnant woman my age or a new little baby and not want to burst into tears.  There have even been some times that people have asked me when I am going to start having a family that I've been able to smile and just say "One of these days" and not feel like my heart was being ripped out.

But those days are becoming few and far between.  The last few weeks have been really tough.  Yesterday was especially hard...and today doesn't seem like it's getting any better.  I can't pinpoint anything in particular that has sent me into this sudden depression.  I think it's just a combination of things.  I feel like this is never going to end.  I feel like Dr. G is never going to give us the green light to actually ttc.  I'm sick of this avoiding crap!  We are on our 11th cycle of avoiding.  Eleven!  That is almost a whole year of avoiding a pregnancy when dh and I want nothing more than to have a baby.  I understand that Dr. G has our best interests in mind and just wants me to be healthy but I'm over it.  I don't care anymore.  I'm tired of feeling like I have no control over this.  If I want to ttc a baby why shouldn't I?  My last two cycles have been almost text book with the exception of one day of tebb two cycles ago.  And that one day of tebb wasn't even a day...I noticed it one time in the morning and then nothing for the rest of the day.  It was so faint I almost didn't chart it.  So what's the hold up.  This is what we've been working towards.  My cycles have improved so much I am having trouble believing it.  I went from a period lasting 15 days to one that last for 6-7 with absolutely no brown bleeding.  That's a miracle in my book.

Then there's the issue of Mother's Day.  I have dreaded Mother's Day since I was 6 years old.  That's the year my mom abandoned my two little sisters and I.  She and my father got divorced and that was it.  She decided she didn't want to be a mom anymore.  And while I am very thankful to have an amazing father who did a great job of playing both rolls and an amazing grandmother (paternal, when my mom left the whole family pretty much dissappered) who helped fill the role it is not the same.  Mother's Day has always been a reminder that I do not have a mother.  And now it is a reminder that I am not a mother myself.  DH and I will be out of town this year on Mother's Day.  We are going to NC for a wedding and will actually be making the 12 hour drive home on that day.  The sad thing is that I'm actually glad we will be gone.  That makes me feel guilty because it's a day I always try to spend with my Nana.  But at the same time I'm glad I won't have to sit around and make small talk with family.  I'm glad I won't have to listen to my very fertile sister talk about the stress of motherhood.  And I'm really glad not to have to discuss my infertility on a day that is hard enough for me as it is.  I joked with dh last night that we should get a dispensation for Mass that day...ok, maybe I was only half joking.  I'm happy that I won't have to sit in our usual pew at our parish and watch all the mother's stand up for their blessing while wondering what they think of dh and I.  But I'm still going to have to attend Mass somewhere.  And wherever that somewhere is they are going to do that same blessing.  I'm really going to try hard not to cry through the entire Mass.

I was thinking last night.  I'm going to be 28 in 8 months.  I never thought I'd make it to 28 without having a baby.  I honestly thought I'd have a few by now.  I will now be at least 28 before I have a little one.  But honestly, I'm not holding my breath.  I have a feeling I could be saying this two years from now.  I never thought I'd be looking at 30 and childless.

DH and I will be married 4 years this October.  Never thought we'd see that anniversary without children.

I know that it could be worse.  I know that there are plenty of women out there that have been trying for much longer.  I can't imagine their pain.  I just want the opportunity to actually try.  How will we ever know if this is all working if we don't try?

I've said it before, patience is not one of my virtues.  But, I think 11 months of avoiding gives me the right to start getting a little frustrated.  I've been patient for 11 month.  I'm done with patience.

WooHoo!!!

This post is going to be quick because DH and I are going out with the neighbors in a hour and I need a serious shower.  But Holy Moly!  I actually had a completely normal start to my cycle.  For the first time since I can remember I had no brown bleeding.  No premenstrual and no TEBB.  Woot!  Instead of the wonky 15 days of bleeding I only had 7.  Seven?  Isn't that in like the normal range?  PTL!  And to make things even better I had very minimal pain.  Extremely minimal.  The first 3 days I was a little crampy in the morning but I took two Ale.ve and didn't need anymore for the rest of the day.  I email Dr. G.  Hopefully this is what she needed to see in order for us to get the green light to start trying again.  Woohoo!  I am so excited!  I'm thinking HCG and Nalt.rexone was what my body seemed to need.

Oh...and for those of you who were wanting to know the answer to the question in my previous post about drinking while taking Nalt.rexone.  Dr. G said there is no info on it but she wouldn't drink often and limit to a glass of wine or so.  She said if it did cause a reaction it wouldn't be pretty.  I'm good with that.

Infertility Made Me Love My Husband More!

On the day I married my husband I thought that there was no way that I could possibly love him any more that I did on that day.  My heart was so filled with love and joy.  After 5 years of dating (I was still in high school when we met) I was finally marrying the man that I knew God had planned for me.  I couldn't contain my emotions.  I never got nervous.  The morning of our wedding I woke up to my two sister and two best friends.  I could feel them staring at me as I fixed myself breakfast.  When I turned around they asked if I was ok.  "Of course!" I said.  They looked at me very strangely and asked if I knew what day it was.  "October 21st" I said kind of questioningly.  "Do you know what you are doing today?" my sister asked.  "Um yeah. I'm getting married today!" I said.  They just kept staring at me.  I guess they expected me to wake up and freak out.  I never freaked out.  I was so excited I could not wait.  I felt like it would take forever for 2:30 to arrive.  I danced around my house all morning and couldn't stop smiling.  When 2:30 finally arrived I was moved to tears.  Yes some of those tears were sad, more like bittersweat.  My dad was brought to tears and that was hard for me to see.  But seeing the man that God intended for me standing at the end of that isle was so amazing that tears of happiness and joy just streamed down my face.  I was happier than I ever could have imagined I would be.  The thought of being any happier or loving my husband anymore was way to much to try to wrap my mind or my heart around.  I thought there was no way it was possible.

Three and a half years later I can definitely say that I love my husband so much more than I did on that day.  Our cross of infertility has brought us so much closer and brought us so much more love than I ever could have imagined.  Sure there is a lot of hurt and pain.  And there certainly are days when I wake up and hope that this is all a bad dream and this is not something we have to endure.  There are many days when I am angry, angry at life, angry at my body, angry with God.  There are times when I pity myself and ask why me.  There are countless days when I feel hopeless.  Days when I feel like the world and God are out to get me.  And nearly everyday I feel guilt.  Guilt that maybe this is my fault, that I did something to cause it.  That I may never be able to give my husband a child.  There are so many days when the pain is almost unbearable.  But there are never days that I do not feel love.  My husband has to be one of the most amazing husbands around.  He is always there when I need to scream or cry or complain.  He listens with such and open ear and tries really hard not to give unsolicited advice.  He knows that what I need at that very moment is just someone to talk to, not someone to tell me that I need to relax and not worry.  He keeps me grounded and focused.  And without realizing it he reminds me every day of God's love.

Last June is when we really delved into this infertility journey full steam ahead.  And since that time we have become so much closer.  I have always referred to dh as my best friend.  But now more than ever I really do believe that is true.  Infertility has lead us to such a deeper understanding of each other.  This is something that we must face together and because of that we have been drawn closer.  Without him I know there is no way I could do it.  I have realized how much I need him.  I have realized what an amazing man he is.  He is truly what I believe a man is supposed to be.  He is the spiritual head of our household and wants nothing more than to take care of and provide for his family.  Even if that family only consists of the two of us.

I never thought there would come a day when dh and I would have to discuss the inner working of our intimate life with doctors.  I never thought there would come a day when dh would know my cycles as well or better than I do.  I never thought there would come a day when dh and I would discuss my cm and all it's colors and textures and stretchiness.  And I certainly never thought there would come a day when I would allow dh to insert a very long needle into my bum on a regular basis to administer various hormones.  But I am thankful for all of that.  Because all of that has brought us so much closer together.  It has made me love and appreciate my husband more than ever.  And for that I thank God.

I'm back!

I'm back.  DH and I took a much needed trip to a cabin in Georgia last week.  I was off for Spring Break and we realized we had not been on a vacation in nearly two years.  YUCK!  I need time away.  Time to rest, rejuvenate, and just forget about real life for a while.  I think we all need that from time to time.  These last two years have been absolutely insane!  The last couple of months a work have been even beyond that.  I can't even begin to describe the drama here.  That would take a whole post on it's own.  And thanks to my little friends HCG and Nalt.rexone my normal 9 day lp went to 12 days so AF didn't arrive in the middle of our trip.  She actually held off until Saturday night about an hour after we got home.  WooHoo!

Thanks for all of your comments on the Nalt.rexone!  So far I'm not really noticing any side effects.  I've had a few pretty vivid dreams but other than that I feel fine.  I'm also not noticing any improvement as far as anxiety or pms go but I'm thinking I need a bit more in my system.  I've only been taking it for a few weeks now and I'm only taking 3mg a day.  If I remember correctly that can be upped?  Right?

So, I know that with the Nalt.rexone you cannot take certain prescribed pain meds but I couldn't find any info regarding alcohol.  I know that the drug is given to alcoholics so I was wondering if drinking would make me sick.  I don't drink often at all...and when I do it isn't usually much.  But I was wondering if it was ok.  I don't want to end up super sick.  While were were in Georgia we went to a wine tasting and I was so terrified.  I only took a small sip of the wines that were poured and I was paranoid that I was going to regret it.  I turned out to be fine but I really barely had a toltal of 1 glass.  I don't want to push my luck...especially when my dose is increased.  Any experience with this?

Hope you all have a fabulous Monday!  My countdown to summer begins today.  :)