Please Pray

I'm asking all of you for some prayers.  My grandmother just had to be taken to the hospital.  As I've mentioned before I was not raised with my mother and my Nana has more than stepped in to take on that role.  We are not 100% sure what is wrong yet but she has been in poor health for several years.  Please pray for her strength and for wisdom for the doctors.  Thank you so much!

Two Posts In One Day? Background Story Part 1

So I'm bored.  I don't want to be at work and it's a very slow day.  Who am I kidding?  I never want to be at work.  I love what I do but I feel that my true calling is at home.  More on that another day. :)

I was thinking...I don't think I've ever given a background story to my whole ttc adventure.  It's a long one so I'm going to break it up into parts.  I warn you now...this may get graphic with way too much information so if you are shy or squimish I recommend you close your eyes.  And if you aren't into long drawn out posts...run!  Run now because I have about 18.5 years of info that you really could care less about coming your way.

OK...ready?  Remember, I warned you!

My problems started right off the bat.  I'm not kidding, right from the beginning.  It was November 2, 1992.  I had softball try-outs that day so I woke up bright and early.  When I went to the bathroom I noticed that I had started my first period.  Seriously?  On softball try-out day?  This is ridiculous!  I was ticked.  And I was only 9 years old.  (Yes, I remember the exact date, it was traumatizing!)  I had fortunately learned about this from Girl Scouts and some silly cartoon movie my dad made me watch.  I say fortunately because as I've mentioned before my mother abandoned me at 6 years old...so the alternative was learning from my dad.  I'll take Girl Scouts and a movie any day thankyouverymuch!

Anyhoo...I knew right away something was strange.  From day one I had cramps and super heavy bleeding.  From everything I learned your first period was supposed to be "practice."  I also recall being taught that a period is anywhere from 3-7 days.  Now I realize looking back that some of the things I were taught were incorrect, but some of it definitely made me realize that something was up.  My periods were way more than 7 days, they were anywhere from 10-15 days.  Even in my 9 year old little brain I knew this wasn't right.  But did I tell anyone?  NO!  I was far too humiliated.  Not only did I not tell anyone about my issues, I didn't even tell anyone that I had actually started my period.  Instead I would just steal pads from my aunt while I was at my grandmothers house.  I was too shy and too embarrassed.  Remember, other than Girl Scouts and a video my dad rented, I had never had this conversation with my family.  Oh wait!  My aunt did buy me a book called What's Happening To My Body: Book For Girls.  But like I said, I had never actually talked to anyone about this.

That Christmas my cover was blown.  I had been flushing pads down the toilet as to conceal any evidence when I apparently didn't check to make sure the little paper things that cover the sticky part made it down.  My aunt went in the bathroom right after me on Christmas Day and discovered the secret.  She confronted me and I tried to lie but there was nothing I could do, I was caught.  So you would think after being outed I would come clean about my issues wouldn't you?  Nope.  I still didn't tell anyone about the horrible pain and excessive bleeding.

My aunt even bought me a calendar to track my period.  She sat down with me to fill out the most recent one.  After marking 3 days she said "that's it right?"  Um no I said.  I made her keep going but had her stop at 5 because I was embarrassed.  Recently I found out that her period has been only 3 days long her entire life and she has never so much as even had the slightest cramp.  To which I replied "YOU SUCK!"

This went on for 8 years.  I suffered in silence and figured that this had to go away eventually.  When I was 17 I decided I couldn't take it anymore.  I told my dad's girlfriend about my issues and she said she would make me a doctor's appointment.  I never heard another word about it again.  Then 3 weeks later my dad told me that he was taking me to the doctor.  I had forgotten about my conversation with his girlfriend and asked why.  He said to me "Aren't you having some sort of girl problem."  Ummmm ok.  I could not believe he was going to take me to see a gyn!  I figured his gf would do it.  I protested but lost.

When I got back to the exam room the nurse gave me the gown and instructions.  I was shaking.  I sat on the table and when the doctor walked in to my horror it was a man.  Are you kidding me?  My dad's gf made an appointment for a 17 year old terrified, modest girl to go to a male gyn?  I was flipping out!  I didn't know what to do so I just decided to take my mind to a happy place and pray it would be over quickly.

Fortunately the doctor didn't do a full exam with that duckbill thing.  He said that since I wasn't sexually active it wasn't necessary.  All I could say was THANK YOU JESUS!  Although looking back, with the symptoms I was having he should have done a more thorough exam.

He said that he could help me by prescribing me the pill.  I was like ummmm ok.  (I should also note that I was not raised Catholic and had no idea about the pill, the ethical issues and the harm it does.)  The doctor said he would talk to my dad so that he understood that I was not taking it because I was sexually active but because it would help to regulate me and numb the pain.  I was thankful for this.  I was afraid my dad would think that I was lying about the issues to get a Rx for the pill.

I started taking them right away and immediately noticed a difference.  However, at the same time the migraines I had been having since I was very young were progressively getting worse.  It took me years to put two and two together.

To be continued...

Boy has it been an interesting few days!  DH and I left last Friday to make the 12 hour drive up to Boone, NC.  We were heading up to attend the wedding of dh's cousin.  We left 90 degree weather only to land in 30 degree weather.  I can usually handle the cold but it was such a temperature difference and I was wearing a dress that I thought I just may freeze to death.  I'm a Florida girl through and through.  I just can't take that temp in May.  It just isn't right. 

On Sunday we got up early to drive the two hours to Asheville, NC to go to Mass at the St. Lawrence Basilica.  IT WAY BEAUTIFUL!  When you walked in you could do nothing but think of God.  It was so amazing that I almost forgot that it was Mother's Day.  Surprisingly the Mass didn't center around mothers.  The only thing that was an indication was some women had corsages on their dresses.  When they said the intentions they said included mothers, grandmothers, and godmother.  I thought, "well...somehow I sneaked in there...I'm a God mother to two."  Then at the very end when they were making some announcements they did what I dreaded.  They asked all the mothers to stand up to receive their blessing.  Then they did something I wasn't expecting, they asked the Godmothers to stand up as well.  DH looked at me encouraging me to stand.  But I couldn't.  My legs just would not lift me up.  I felt like a fraud.  This blessing was for mothers, and I thought "I'm not a true mother."  I know it sounds silly but I just couldn't bring my self to do it.  When the blessing began I felt my eyes well up with tears.  I tried so hard to hold them in but I could not control the hot, steamy tears from rolling down my cheek.  DH was such a great comfort.  He just silently put his arm around me.  With out words I could feel him saying "I'm sorry."

After Mass and lunch we decided that we would only drive as far as Charleston, SC and we'd stay there for the night.  It was fun.  DH and I rarely ever do things like that on a whim.  Charleston is just so beautiful.  By far one of my favorite places.  It was nice to get away and to get my mind off of things for awhile.  While walking around we found a beautiful Cathedral.  It was another place that I could do nothing but think of God while I was in there.  The weekend was so stressful (the wedding wasn't exactly something the family agreed with) it was so nice to have two days filled with church and God.

To make things even better both on the way up and the was back DH and I listened to tons of cd's of Scott Hahn's talks.  If you guys haven't heard this guy I highly recommend him.  Such an amazing speaker!  We got hooked on him by picking up some of the Lighthouse CD's at church.  Now DH downloads all kinds of things.  We listened to his Conversion Story, to one titled The Fourth Cup, and one that I believe was called The Seven Last Saying of Christ (or something along those lines).  I used to hate listening to people talk in the car but lately I can't get enough of it.  I feel like I learn so much.  It really can help to make a long drive go by much quicker and it gave DH and I something to talk about.  I love having conversations like that with dh.

There is nothing really to report in cycle news.  I'm on post peak 8.  I've had two HCG shots so far and will get my last one tomorrow.  I never go longer than post peak 12 which I guess will be Saturday.  I'm cautiously hopeful.  In the instruction thing that Dr. G gave me about my HCG injections it says to wait until peak + 17 to test.  If I only ever make it to peak + 12 (this is with HCG, without I only get to 6 to 8) should I really wait until peak + 17?  That seems a bit excessive.  If I only have an lp of 12 while on the HCG by body obviously isn't hanging onto it too tightly.  I also don't want to get a false positive.  I'm confused.  Any suggestion?

Here are some pictures of the two churches we went to.  Sorry they aren't great but I always feel strange taking pictures in a church.

 St. Lawrence Basilica, Ahseville, NC

There were the most beautiful rose bushes outside the front of the basilica.

 

To the left of the alter is a small chapel with a beautiful statue of Mary.  To the right of the alter is the Adoration Chapel.

The Alter.  I have no words to describe it's beauty.  This picture does it no justice.

St. John The Baptist Cathedral, Charleston, SC

The Alter.  I love how it's almost all white.  So pure and simple and yet the detail is amazing.

Close up

The wood beneath the pews was original from the 1700's.

Stained glass above the alter.  It was impossible to capture the whole thing but you get the idea.

Prayers For A Friend

Thank you ladies for all of your kind words yesterday.  I was feeling very down but I'm happy to say that I am feeling much better.  I can feel your prayers.

I'm asking for a prayer request today.  This isn't for me but rather for a dear friend.  Let me give you a bit of a background story.

I work at a small school for special needs children.  About 3 years ago I met a wonderful family whose daughter was going to this school.  This young lady stole my heart from day one.  She was diagnosed with a few things that caused both physical and mental impairments.  Despite all of her troubles her family is committed to treating this young lady just as they do their other two children.  The give her absolutely everything they can to help her lead a life that is as "normal" as possible.  Over the course of the two years that I worked with this girl the family and I became very close.  I was so sad that she aged out and would not be here this year.  However, through the wonders of fac.eboo.k we have been able to keep in touch.  Today this little girl (I say little but she is now 18) and her mother came by to see me.  The mom (we'll call her T) told me that her daughter (we'll call her C) has been asking about me for weeks and begging to come see me.  Of course that just melted my heart.  T and I got to talking and she told me that C hasn't been doing so well.  Apparently she has been having seizure that are triggered by urination.  This is an extremely rare trigger for epilepsy!  Her neuro said that in looking back at all of her medical books there is only 6 recorded cases of this.  The poor girl is so scared to have a seizure that she has been refusing to urinate.  T told me that she has gone 36 hours without going.  This sounds impossible but due to some of her other medical issues she has poor muscle tone which just allows her abdomen to expand..  Poor C looks about 5 months pregnant because her bladder is so full.  The doctors are trying seizure meds but unfortunately with all of her other problems her body metabolizes medication differently.  She has been having terrible reactions and is now not sleeping.  This has now been going on for 9 months.  The doctors are at a loss and have no clue what to do with her.  There is the option to cath but they are worried about infection.  C is also 18 so they are worried about the psychological damage as well (she does not have the fine motor skills needed to cath herself everyday).  Besides, cathing will not control the seizures, it will just protect her kidney which are at serious risk considering she is not urinating for 36 hours at a time.

I'm begging you guys for your prayers for this family and especially C.  You can see how exhausted T and C are.  C just isn't herself.  It's so sad to see.  I'm praying that the doctors are able to find the right combination of medications that will but an end to this.

Thank you all so much.  I know that the power of prayer works.  I can feel your prayers everyday.

Struggles

I have been an absolute emotional wreck!  You would think being given the green light I would be feeling a bit better.  It's quite the opposite though.  I have such mixed feelings in my head and I can't seem to sort them out.  I feel like an emotional basket case.  I've been crying for days now at the drop of a hat.  This doesn't work so well when you work with children.  I just can't figure me out.  In one hand I have so much hope but in the other hand I feel so hopeless.  I feel like I've lost some of my joy, my spunk, my positive outlook.  I feel like I walk around in a haze and am just doing what I can to get through each day.

I'm on p+2 today.  I know that the hormone shift is partially why I'm feeling a bit down.  PMS has always been an issue of mine.  But honestly, I've felt like this for over a week now.  I've been in a "funk" for several months now but the last week or two has been ridiculous.  I feel like it started when Dr. G lifted the ttc ban.

DH and I ttc for a very long time before we found Crei.ghton and Nap.ro.  After we found them Dr. G and our FCP put us on lock down.  My charts were UGLY!  It was so obvious from looking at them that there was some serious hormone issues.  Dr. G even made the comment that she wouldn't be surprised if I hadn't had some miscarriages already and didn't know (this was judging from some really odd periods I told them about).  I felt so guilty and was so happy to find this Godsend.  When they told us that we really should avoid until we got my body sorted out I was upset but so hopeful.  At first I avoided without much complaint.  I knew that what we were doing was going to be the best for me and for my baby that I was so sure we would have.  As the months dragged on my feelings went from hopeful to frustrated.  I understood avoiding in the beginning but 11 months of it was getting ridiculous.  How would we ever know if all we were doing was working if we couldn't even try?

Then two weeks ago we finally got the go ahead.  A part of me was thrilled but a huge part of me was terrified.  We debated on if we would go ahead and use this cycle (I knew I would probably peak within a week or two) or just wait until the next one.  We decided on a whim Saturday after having 10KL all day to go ahead and start trying.  I had 3 days of 10KL AD!  That is awesome in my book!  So you think I would be excited.  We had amazing timing and it was nice not to feel like we were once again throwing away another cycle.  I have felt closer to dh in the last couple of days than I have in a really long time.  We are already so close that it's hard to imagine it being better.  I felt much closer to him than when we were trying before Crei.ghton.  It's such an amazing feeling.

However, there is just something inside me that is wreaking havoc on my emotions.  I can't quite put my finger on it.  I feel like just curling into a ball and sobbing.  I hate being like this.  People used to always comment on how I was always smiling.  I always looked so happy.  Now people are always asking me if I'm ok, or if something is wrong.  I know it's because I don't have that joy that I used to have.  I hate it!  I hate not being myself.

I was talking to dh last night and told him how I'm feeling.  He's an amazing man.  I can't put into words how blessed I am.  I asked him what's wrong with me.  I told him that I couldn't understand why I couldn't just be happy.  I told him that I thought that after all of this time waiting I would be happy to try.  And hopeful.  You would think I would be hopeful.  But I'm not.  It doesn't matter that I had great cm.  It doesn't matter that we had great timing.  None of that matters to me.  I still feel like this is never going to happen.  He reassured me the best that he can.  He reminded me that this is out of my hands, that we did everything we could and now it is up to God.  Sadly, that wasn't much comfort.

I don't know what to do.  I don't know how I can control my emotional craziness.  I feel lost.  I want to be happy, I really do.  I want to fully trust that God is in control of this.  But sometimes I struggle.  I want to have hope and joy, but I feel like I can't find it.  I just want to be myself again.  I miss the old me.  I miss the girl I was before infertility.  I want to find that girl again.

Green Light Go! Maybe...

I finally heard back from Dr. G!  I emailed her last Saturday to tell her how much better my last two cycles have been and hadn't heard back from her.  They were pretty darn close to textbook.  In her response she told me that dh and I need to pray about when we should start actually trying to achieve a pregnancy.  She said that as long as my cycles are being consistently good and I'm feeling good she would leave ttc up to us.

So after yesterday's post you would think I would be jumping out of my chair with excitement that we have been given the green light.  But...I'm not.  I don't like that she left it up to us.  I'm the kind of person who just needs someone to tell me what to do.  I second guess myself a lot!  It's really hard for me to make decisions like this.  I think that the 11 months of avoiding have caused a lot of anticipation to build and now I am PETRIFIED!

I've been praying about when the right time would be for the last 11 months.  I've been especially praying about it for the past 4 or so cycles.  I have such mixed feelings.  I have never felt like I truly hear what God is trying to tell me.  I can't differentiate whether it's my own thoughts and desires or Gods.  And no matter what I decide there is going to be that little piece of me who doubts.

There is a huge part of me that is totally and completely ready.  A huge part of me says go for it!  But then there's this little voice that says "what if."  Ugh!  I thought I would be excited but I'm so confused!

DH says we should go for it.  He says that we are never going to know until we try.  He reminded me that we spent a lot of time "trying" before we found out about Crei.ghton and then it was just truly winging it.  Now we actually have the tools to know what we are doing and increase our chances.  I trust his judgment and I know he has been praying about it.  I know he wants this as badly as I do.  I see the way he plays with our nephews...I see the way he looks at the little babies at church.  I can tell it melts his heart.  And seeing him melts mine.

So...let's say that we do go for it.  I'm still pre-peak this cycle, should we start now?  Or should we just finish out this cycle and wait for next?  Decisions, decisions.

Now this question is going to see totally ridiculous but I have to ask.  Is there a "right" way to try?  Since DH and I have been charting our practitioner has only taught us how to avoid because it was very obvious that something was wrong.  There has to be a method to this madness.  I realize that peak type cm days are ideal.  I just figure there is some kind of formula or something.  Does that sound crazy?  I don't know...I think it's my nerves getting to me.  I just need someone to tell me what to do.  It's easier that way. :)

Bad Days

I'd like to say that on the outside I'm a realist.  I'm not overly optimistic and I'm not overly pessimistic.  I think that I look at things rationally with all of the information and make realistic conclusions and predictions.  I try hard not to sway one way or the other too much.  I don't want to come off as a "Negative Nancy," as my husband would say.  But I also do not want to seem ignorantly optimistic.

On the inside however I feel like I have two very dominant view points and they are battling to see which one will win.  I don't feel like this when it come to everything.  Some feelings and opinions are no brainers.  And let me tell you, I'm one opinionated chick!  But then there are the tough things, the things that I don't know what to think about.  The things that tug at every piece of my soul.  Infertility is one of those thing.  I can often see the light.  I can imagine that one day all of this will end and dh and I will have a little baby of our own.  But at the same time I can feel very hopeless.  I can feel like this is never going to stop and that they will never be able to fix me.

Unfortunately, I feel like the hopeless side of me is taking over more often than not.  Sure there are good days.  There are days when I can talk about my infertility and not get angry or sad...or be embarrassed (Is anyone else sometimes embarrassed by IF?).  There have on occasion been times when I can see a pregnant woman my age or a new little baby and not want to burst into tears.  There have even been some times that people have asked me when I am going to start having a family that I've been able to smile and just say "One of these days" and not feel like my heart was being ripped out.

But those days are becoming few and far between.  The last few weeks have been really tough.  Yesterday was especially hard...and today doesn't seem like it's getting any better.  I can't pinpoint anything in particular that has sent me into this sudden depression.  I think it's just a combination of things.  I feel like this is never going to end.  I feel like Dr. G is never going to give us the green light to actually ttc.  I'm sick of this avoiding crap!  We are on our 11th cycle of avoiding.  Eleven!  That is almost a whole year of avoiding a pregnancy when dh and I want nothing more than to have a baby.  I understand that Dr. G has our best interests in mind and just wants me to be healthy but I'm over it.  I don't care anymore.  I'm tired of feeling like I have no control over this.  If I want to ttc a baby why shouldn't I?  My last two cycles have been almost text book with the exception of one day of tebb two cycles ago.  And that one day of tebb wasn't even a day...I noticed it one time in the morning and then nothing for the rest of the day.  It was so faint I almost didn't chart it.  So what's the hold up.  This is what we've been working towards.  My cycles have improved so much I am having trouble believing it.  I went from a period lasting 15 days to one that last for 6-7 with absolutely no brown bleeding.  That's a miracle in my book.

Then there's the issue of Mother's Day.  I have dreaded Mother's Day since I was 6 years old.  That's the year my mom abandoned my two little sisters and I.  She and my father got divorced and that was it.  She decided she didn't want to be a mom anymore.  And while I am very thankful to have an amazing father who did a great job of playing both rolls and an amazing grandmother (paternal, when my mom left the whole family pretty much dissappered) who helped fill the role it is not the same.  Mother's Day has always been a reminder that I do not have a mother.  And now it is a reminder that I am not a mother myself.  DH and I will be out of town this year on Mother's Day.  We are going to NC for a wedding and will actually be making the 12 hour drive home on that day.  The sad thing is that I'm actually glad we will be gone.  That makes me feel guilty because it's a day I always try to spend with my Nana.  But at the same time I'm glad I won't have to sit around and make small talk with family.  I'm glad I won't have to listen to my very fertile sister talk about the stress of motherhood.  And I'm really glad not to have to discuss my infertility on a day that is hard enough for me as it is.  I joked with dh last night that we should get a dispensation for Mass that day...ok, maybe I was only half joking.  I'm happy that I won't have to sit in our usual pew at our parish and watch all the mother's stand up for their blessing while wondering what they think of dh and I.  But I'm still going to have to attend Mass somewhere.  And wherever that somewhere is they are going to do that same blessing.  I'm really going to try hard not to cry through the entire Mass.

I was thinking last night.  I'm going to be 28 in 8 months.  I never thought I'd make it to 28 without having a baby.  I honestly thought I'd have a few by now.  I will now be at least 28 before I have a little one.  But honestly, I'm not holding my breath.  I have a feeling I could be saying this two years from now.  I never thought I'd be looking at 30 and childless.

DH and I will be married 4 years this October.  Never thought we'd see that anniversary without children.

I know that it could be worse.  I know that there are plenty of women out there that have been trying for much longer.  I can't imagine their pain.  I just want the opportunity to actually try.  How will we ever know if this is all working if we don't try?

I've said it before, patience is not one of my virtues.  But, I think 11 months of avoiding gives me the right to start getting a little frustrated.  I've been patient for 11 month.  I'm done with patience.