Thank you all for your prayers over the last couple of weeks.  It means so much to know that someone out there is praying for my family and me.

I've written about a dozen posts over the last few days.  I just can't seem to finish them.  Nothing I can possibly say seems adequate for my feelings.  I'm heartbroken.  My heart aches like I've never experienced before.  I didn't know that pain could feel like this.  The pain isn't just emotional, it's physical too.  My heart actually hurts.  It feels like someone is squeezing my chest and I can't breathe. 

I miss my Nana more than I could ever possibly express.  This is the longest I have gone in years without seeing her let alone talking to her.  I think I'm still in a bit of denial.  Every morning when I wake up I have to remind myself that this is real and it wasn't all some terrible nightmare.  She really is gone.  I've been going over to her house to see my Granddaddy.  When I walk in I keep expecting her to come around the corner from the hallway like she always did and say "Hey baby!  How are you and Mary-Grace doing today?"  I expect to sit at the dinning room table like we always did and just chat for hours and hours.  This is what we did several times a week.  It was my favorite thing to do and it never got old.  I couldn't wait until Mary-Grace was here so that I could bring her over to join us.  Neither could Nana.  She would talk about how I would have to bring her over just so she could hold her.  She would tell me that she would keep her while I took a shower or a nap.  She couldn't wait.  Neither could I.

I can't help but feel like it wasn't supposed to be like this.  I know God has a plan for us all.  I know that there will come a day when he will call all of us home.  I just wasn't ready for this.  I guess I never would have been ready.  I feel like she was supposed to be here still.  Back before I got pregnant I used to pray that God would keep her here long enough to meet my baby.  I prayed this everyday.  If you remember, last May she got really sick.  We really thought we were going to lose her.  But then she got better.  She shouldn't have, but she did.  She was put on Hos.pice, but that didn't worry me.  We had been down that road with her and she improved so much that she was released.  Then in July I found out about Mary-Grace.  Other than K, she was the first person I told.  I waited until Wednesday when I got the lab results back.  I was driving to her house when I got the call from Dr. G.  I burst through her door and she knew something was up.  She kept looking at me funny and ask what was going on.  She always could read my facial expressions better than anyone.  I wanted to be creative but I just couldn't wait.  So I just blurted out "I'M PREGNANT!!!"  She had the biggest smile on her face I've ever seen and tears streamed from her eyes.  It was so wonderful.  I began thanking God that I got to share this news with her.  I was so happy that she would get to meet my baby.

Since that point she began getting better and better.  She started doing things she hadn't done in years.  She constantly talked about Mary-Grace and how special she was.  As soon as she found out we were having a girl she started shopping like crazy.  It was the first time she got out of the house regularly in a very long time.  She even learned how to shop online. She couldn't stand it when she would buy something and she would show me but tell me I couldn't have it until my shower.  This was so Nana.  She couldn't keep a secret. She had a box in her closet full of all the things she couldn't wait to give Mary-Grace.  Back in September she was once again release from Hos.pice.  Her head nurse couldn't believe her turn around and said she was healthier than she had been in many many years.  I was so proud of her.

For the first time in years I stopped worrying about Nana.  She hasn't been in good health for a very very long time.  She never really took good care of herself.  But this time she was doing so great.  She was so unbelievably happy.  It was wonderful to see.  This past Christmas she was giddy.  Christmas is her favorite time of year.  She always talked about how Granddaddy would light her a fire in the fire place and she would sit by the tree and wrap presents with a nice cup of coffee.  She hadn't been able to wrap her own presents in a long time.  But this year she did.  Granddaddy said she had the biggest smile on her face.  He couldn't believe how happy it made her.

She had the invitation to my baby shower taped up on the hutch in her dining room when I was over on Christmas.  She couldn't wait.  She was so happy to have another great-grandbaby and that we were finally having another girl in the family.  There hasn't been a girl since my little sister was born almost 26 years ago.  We were due.

I'm glad that I was able to be there when she passed.  It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I was happy that her family could be there so she wasn't alone.  We all talked to her and told her it was ok and that her family would be ok.  She was never afraid of dying.  She would always tell me that her momma, brothers, and Nonnie and Papa were preparing a big family reunion for her up in heaven.  And that when she got there they would all be waiting at the gates for her.  She missed them all dearly.  I put my head on her hand a told her it was ok to go.  I told her that GG, Johnny, Billy, and Nonnie and Papa were waiting for her.  I asked her to give them all a hug and a kiss for me.  I also asked her to please be at the gate waiting for me when it was my day to go.  I know she will.

I know they say that with time it will get better.  It's hard to believe that right now.  My heart is too heavy.  My shower is in a week and a half.  She won't be there.  She wanted to be.  I wanted to cancel it or at least postpone it.  K won't let me.  He said that Nana would be so upset with me if I did.  He's right.  But it's going to be so hard not having her there.  Many of the gifts she ordered me arrived 2 days after she passed.  It seems strange and a bit ironic.  I don't know how exactly, it just does.

My Nana was such an amazing person.  She was so much more than a grandmother to me.  She took the place of a mother when I didn't have one.  She didn't think twice about it.  She was selfless, and witty, and funny, and smart.  She was the most wonderful and amazing person I have ever met.  The world has lost a special person.  If you met her once, you were family.  If I ever introduced her as Mrs. Taylor to a friend she would look at me like I was nuts.  She always told everyone "You can just call me Nana."  That's who she was, she was Nana, Nana to everyone.

She will have a piece of my heart forever.  I can't imagine that life will ever be the same.  I will miss her voice, the was she smelled, the feel of her skin, her hugs.  I wish I could just have one more hug.  I don't know if I would ever let go.  I'm sad that Mary-Grace will never have the honor of meeting her.  K has been telling me that I am so much like her.  I don't see it.  I can't compare to the woman she was.  But I do hope that a piece of her is in me.  If I turn in to half the woman and mother she was, that would be something special.

Thank you all again for all of your prayers.  If you could continue to pray for my family I would really be grateful.  Please especially remember my Granddaddy and my sister Amber.  Granddaddy is having a really really hard time.  He's always been such a strong man but he has crumbled.  Thankfully, his doctor that has been with he and nana for years came by the house last week to check on him.  She brought with her a prescription to help him cope.  It's helping but he could still use prayers.  He is feeling guilty and wondering if he made the right decisions.  They were married for 50 years this past November.  I can't imagine what he is going through.  My sister Amber is also having a really hard time.  She was the only one of us who wasn't there when she passed...she lives a few hours away.  She has always been someone who worries me.  She is pretty emotionally unstable and unfortunately, I don't know that she believes in God anymore.  In times like this a belief in God become even more important.  I don't know how people who don't get through this sort of thing at all.  I worry about her. 

Nana

Nana passed away last night (Jan. 6th) at 11:25pm surrounded by her family.

I have so much I need to say but cannot at this time. My heart is too heavy.

If you could please pray for my Nana as well as my family. I'm going to leave you names if you would like or have time to pray for them by name.

Sandra Taylor (Nana)
Ronald Taylor Sr. (Grandaddy, Nana's husband of 50 years)
Ronald Taylor Jr. (my daddy)
Larry, Toni, Calvin, Timmy, and Garrett Taylor (my uncle, aunt, and cousins)
Elaine Taylor (my aunt)
Sabra, Will, Jacob and Eli (my sister, BIL, and nephews)
Amber Taylor (my sister-please especially remember her. Her reaction is really really worrying me!)
And of course, my husband Kevin and myself (Karen)

Please especially remember us all tomorrow morning (Jan. 8th) at 10am during Nana's funeral.


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Thyroid Girls - I need your help! Sew, I'm talking to you! :)

As if to add insult to injury today, my doctor's office called today regarding the thyroid lab I had done today.

It's not good!

My TSH was 0.001. Normal is .43 - 2.78. I was at .001! The nurse said my level might as well be at 0. She said the doctor suspects Graves Disease but with levels that low I need to see an endocrinologist. He said this is way worse than he suspected and beyond what he feels capable to treat. I'm glad he was honest but sheesh!

So I googled low TSH and Graves Disease. I know better than to do that. Turns out low TSH means I'm hyper, not hypo. I always suspected that I was hypo. However, according to what I read, it is not uncommon for someone with Graves to have periods of being hypo.

So then I googled Graves in pregnancy. Again, I should known better. Scared the $&@! out of me! I don't even want to talk about it I'm so freaked out.

The nurse is going to make an appointment with an endocrinologist for me and call me back tomorrow. She said if she makes the appointment I'll get in sooner and the doc wants me in asap.

So if you have any knowledge or experience with this I'd love to here what you've got! I'm totally lost in my thoughts. That's a dangerous place.

If you all could continue to pray for Nana and my family it would be greatly appreciated. Please especially remember my grandaddy. He is beginning to fall apart. It is excruciating to watch him. He needs many many prayers for peace.

Thank you all so much. Knowing you all are praying has been an invaluable comfort to me and my family.

My Sad Attempt to Stay Sane

Things with Nana haven't changed. She is not well and not very "with it." I have things I want to talk about but don't feel like inhale the strength at this moment. All I can say for now is that we're playing the waiting game. Thank you all for your prayers. Please, please keep them coming. If you could especially remember my grandad. He is beginning to fall apart.


So. Here's my sad attempt at sanity. A pregnancy update.

I had a doctors appointment today. I will be 29 weeks tomorrow. So hard to believe. Somehow I only managed to gain 1/2 a pound since my last appointment. Even with Christmas. That just makes no sense to me. The doc was ok with it for now but said I should at least gain 1/2 a pound a week from here on out. A pound would be better.

Mary-Grace's heart beat was great at 152 beats per minute. She is still head down. The doctor was surprised how low she is already. I thought he looked concerned about it. He said he wasn't as long as she didn't drop any lower for a few weeks. Maybe I'll start sleeping with my butt on a pillow with my legs in the air. :)

I told him about the stress I'm under right now and that I've been in able to eat much. He said just to try to eat whatever I can. Not to worry too much about what I'm actually eating, just that I'm eating something.

He felt my neck and said my thyroid felt huge. He said he felt it because he could see that it was enlarged just be looking at me. He ordered some bloodwork. I told him I've been down this path before and that although I have every symptom in the book, my labs always come back normal. He said that I needed to come back in two weeks anyway and to make sure the scheduler made my appointment with him again (my office has 9 doctors). He said that if the numbers are on either extreme of normal he may chose to treat me anyway. I like him! I've been trying to get a doctor to do this for years!

He also mentioned that I need to start doing kick counts. I can tell you for certain that she kicks me more than 10 times in 2 hours. She kicks more like 10 time is 5 minutes. She's definitely an active one!

I feel like I'm leaving something out. My brain is fried. K just made me some spaghetti some I'm going to try to eat. Thanks again for all of your prayers. I love all of you so much!


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Please Keep Praying

Hospice is fairly certain Nana did have a stroke. They believe she had a few TIAs and then a big one. I was told she was doing a bit better yesterday morning. My grandfather sId she was talking. However when I got over there yesterday this was not the case. She seemed worse than she did on Saturday. Hospice says this is terminal and it's just a matter of time.

Please pray for my Nana!

Please also keep my family in your prayers. We are a very close family. And especially remember my grandfather. He is trying to be strong but I can see how hard this is for him.

Can you also please pray for me? I've become very angry. I don't know how to explain it. We had a scare with her last May. I begged God to keep her her. Although nit pregnant yet, I wanted her to meet my baby. She was placed on Hospice but was doing better. After I found out I was pregnant she got better and better. I believe Mary-Grace gave her something to look forward to. She even was released from Hospice.

I was Looking forward to her meeting MG. I was looking forward to her being at my baby shower in 3 weeks. And I know she was too.

I feel very angry with God right now. I'm selfish I know. But I want her here! I want Mary-Grace to meet her Nana! Who is going to help me learn to be a mom? I have no one else to teach me.

I'm having trouble eating and sleeping. I inky ate once yesterday and that is because K forced me. I haven't slept at all and I can feel my heart racing. I'm sure my blood pressure is up. My anxiety is through the roof. I'm worried about how this is affecting Mary-Grace. She needs her mama to eat. I just can't seem to make myself. I feel terrible. I have a appointment with my doctor tomorrow. I bought I'd mention this to him but I doubt he can help me.

Thank you all so much for your prayers. I will update when I can.



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URGENT PRAYER REQUEST

Please pray for my Nana. It appears that she had a stroke last night. She is refusing to go to the hospital and hospice is being called. My Nana is the closest thing I have to a mother. I know I am selfish but I still need her here.




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Not the post I planned...but this works too.

I had actually begun writing a post about Christmas when my wonderful laptop that is on it's last leg decided to crash and erase everything.  I've decided to take that as a hint and not write the post.  Not now anyway.  Unfortunately it wasn't exactly your typical joyful Christmas post.  Let's just say that this year was filled with entirely too much drama which lead to disappointment.  It's sad, but it's true.  Maybe I'll write about it later on, when I'm not so frustrated.  I could certainly use some advice on how to deal with some of these issues.

So instead I'm going to give you a little pregnancy update.  A lot has really changed in the last couple of weeks.  Just a bit of a disclaimer before I start.  Some of this may seem like complaining.  Believe me I'm not complaining.  I'm just being real and honest about what's going on and how I feel.  I am very thankful that I'm getting to experience this...even if some of it isn't so comfortable.  In fact, a lot of these symptoms have helped this to feel even more real.  Because, well, even at 28 weeks (tomorrow), there are still days that I don't actually believe that I'm pregnant...and that there will be a baby in my arms in 12ish weeks...despite my belly that is growing out of control!

Speaking of the belly.  Wow has it grown!  I need to take another picture.  It's like I woke up one day and it was twice what it was the day before.  It's getting pretty sore feeling.  It's like I can feel my muscles stretching apart.  I've been slathering my belly, hips, and lower back with a lemon and vitamin E oil everyday.  Not necessarily to try to prevent the dreaded stretch mark (from what I understand those are more genetic than anything...and so far I don't have any) but more for the itching.  It really seems to be making a difference.  On the nights I forget my tummy sort of feels sunburned.  You know that itchy feeling a sunburn gives you.  Apparently it was so itchy the other night that I scratched in my sleep until I broke skin.  Not very pretty.

Sleep has been super hard to come by.  I just can't seem to get comfortable.  I had just been using my regular two pillows (one under my head and one behind my back) and added a body pillow I got from Tar.get for cheap.  But that just wasn't cutting it anymore.  I finally broke down and bought a Boppy Total Body Pillow.  Oh my, what a difference!  I love this pillow!  I have slept a lot better since buying it last week.  Definitely worth the $50!

I feel like my body is breaking into a million pieces most of the time.  Everything hurts.  I has some serious restless leg and some major leg cramps.  I have never felt leg craps like this.  OUCH!  They wake me up a lot during the night.  My hips are super sore and so is my lower back.  I'm still having some sciatic issues that make it difficult to walk sometimes.  K laughs at me because I look like an 80 year old woman hobbling along.  It really is a funny sight.  To top it off, my feet and ankles are so swollen!  I have always had nice skinny feel and ankles...now I have cankles.  It's really silly looking.  None of my shoes fit.  I bought some flip flops several weeks back that were a little bigger, however, they aren't cutting it in our unseasonably cold Florida December.  I've been on the search for new shoes but haven't had much luck.  Sneakers seem to be my friend lately, although they don't fit so well either.

One of my doctors mentioned to me at my 17 week appointment that I have a very very short torso.  At that time he said my uterus should be measuring a few inches above my belly button.  However, I was already measuring up to about an inch below my bust line.  I was measuring perfectly for the week that I was it was just higher up than it is on most women.  He said this would make things a bit more uncomfortable as time went on.  He said I would experience some things a bit earlier than a lot of women do.  Well, he wasn't kidding!  I CANNOT BREATHE!  I feel like my lungs have been squished down to nothing.  It is not fun at all.  I feel like I'm out of breath all the time.  And, sweet little Mary-Grace, is loving to sick her feet up there making is oh so much more uncomfortable.

This same short torso issue also seems to be squishing my stomach.  I am starving all of the time but can't seem to eat more than a very small amount.  It's extremely painful if I do.

I'm emotional wreck most of the time.  I cry over everything, happy and sad.  I cried over hashbrown casserole on my birthday.  That's pretty sad.  I cry over commercials and tv shows.  I cry just thinking about things.  I've always been pretty emotional but this is pretty crazy, even for me.  I had a meltdown over crib bedding last night that was ridiculous.  When I'm not crying I find it all pretty funny.

Headaches and Migraines are still the norm for me.  It's pretty much a daily thing.  But, that's pretty much been my life for years.  It's just a little harder to deal with being pregnant since I can't take any of the good drugs.

On the plus side.  I haven't really had any heartburn issues at all.  Knock On Wood!  I think I've gotten it a handful of times.  Not too shabby seeing as how I've heard horror stories.  I've also had no constipation issues.  I've heard that can be terrible too.  I'm very thankful for that!

Mary-Grace is moving more and more everyday.  It seems to be constant and my doctors always comment on how crazy active she is.  Her kicks and jabs get stronger and stronger and can even be pretty uncomfortable at times.  I swear she's doing acrobatics in there.  I like to lay down, flat on my back, and just watch her move.  It's so much fun!

I find myself getting more and more anxious everyday to meet her.  I just want to see her face.  I'm not scared of labor at all (not yet anyway).  Whatever it takes to get here into my arms.  I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that in less than 3 months there will be a baby in this house.  In my house!  A baby?  It just doesn't make sense.

My baby shower is in just a few weeks on January 22nd.  MY BABY SHOWER!  How is that even possible?  How am I actually going to a baby shower that is for me?  I have longed for the day to go to my own shower.  I'm excited about it but also nervous.  I can't pinpoint the reason why it's making me nervous, it just is.  But I also feel so blessed.  This is all a dream come true.