Yesterday was a low, low day. Probably the lowest I've been in a very long time. Today already feels so much better. I know all of your prayers have a lot to do with it. Thank you, thank you! Thank you for your support and prayers. They mean the world to me.
Just so you all know, I do plan on talking to my OB on Monday at my appointment. I however will not consent to taking any medication at this time. I do not feel comfortable with that at this point. I don't like taking things while pregnant. However, if at any point I feel like it has become necessary we'll revisit the idea. I come from a long family history of mental illness. I'm not unfamiliar with depression, among other things. I do believe there are other ways to deal with depression rather than just meds that in most cases can be explored first. If that doesn't work then I'll look into it.
I got to thinking last night after I talked to a very wonderful lady (and fellow blogger). As women, I think it comes naturally to feel like we have to do it all. And then when we can't, for whatever reason, we are incredibly hard on ourselves.
I think this rings especially true for for those of is who have dealt with IF. I now have everything I prayed for. Shouldn't I be happy all the time?
When I noticed the feelings of sadness and stress creeping in guilt soon followed. I felt like I was throwing this beautiful gift that God had given me back in his face. I didn't want to admit my struggles to myself let alone anyone else. This left me feeling very alone and made everything worse.
I kept telling myself that these feelings were normal, that my non-sleeping child was normal. Then the questions start. Seemingly innocent questions from seemingly well meaning people made me feel like a complete and utter failure.
"Is your baby sleeping through the night?"
Ummmmmm...no...
"Oh, well my baby slept through the night a 6 weeks old."
"You need to let your baby CIO! You are spoiling her!"
And my favorite, said to me before I began solids.
"You aren't giving her solids yet? That's your problem. You are starving her. I gave my baby rice cereal when he was 6 weeks old."
I think all of these women (and there were more than just these 3) had well meaning intentions. But all I heard was that I'm failing. I was not comfortable with (and still am not) letting my baby CIO. I know it may work for others and I think that as a parent you have the right to choose it. It however, is not right for me. It would only make me feel worse about myself. I knew that I wasn't starving my child but I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps she was a little hungry. The seed was planted.
I know I'm not the only woman to feel this way. I hold myself to a very high standard. Often too high. I didn't even admit to K how bad it was until very recently. It's not that I was worried he'd think less of me. It's that by admitting it to him meant that I was admitting it to myself. That's hard. I come from a very a very long family history of some pretty severe mental illness. My mother is bi-polar and schizophrenic. Because of some of her illnesses she chose to leave her children. My whole life I've felt that if I admitted to having even the slightest bit of anxiety or depression that would mean that I'm crazy. I was terrified to be labeled and didn't want to be like my mom. I know deep down that I am nothing like her and that I could never do the things she did. But like I said before, the seed was planted.
For the past 2 months I've been getting sleep in 30 minute increments. I think that that sort of sleep deprivation is enough to make anyone feel crazy. The problem is that I let it go on too long before asking for help. I will say last night was better. This weekend we are going to work hard on teaching her to put herself back to sleep. I will however continue to feed her at night if I believe that she is hungry. we did read The No Cry Sleep Solution, and while I did not like some of it, I did like some of the tips and we are working on those with MG. I know that things will get better. I know they will.
And like I said, we have a pediatrician appointment next Wednesday to check for some food allergies and a few other things. I will feel much better about any type of sleep training we decide to try knowing that she isn't waking because something else is wrong.
Thank you again for your prayers. This little community has magic prayers. :) I feel much much better today.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the autocorrect craziness! My phone is out to get me!
