My Email Got Hacked!

Grrrr!  I think my gmail account may have been hacked.  I've changed my password so hopefully it won't happen again.  If you get an email from me that has "No Subject" in the subject line just delete it.  If you open it I think it has something to do with Canadian Health Care or something.  I have no clue how this happened!  My passwords are always pretty strange.  Unfortunately, I think Kaitlin and JBTC may be part of this.  I'm really really sorry ladies! I'm pretty irritated!

On another note.  The job craziness isn't getting any better.  I think it may all hit the fan tomorrow.  If anyone could spare a prayer for clarity and that this all works out I would greatly appreciate it.

And It's Only Tuesday

It's only Tuesday and it's already been one heck of a week!  I'm exhausted!

We had an engagement party for my best friend on Saturday night.  I'm so happy for her!  She and her fiance have been together for the past 4 years.  It's funny because when she told everyone about their engagement we all had the same reaction, "It's about time!"

Yesterday I had my last meeting with Deacon Augie.  It was basically just for some last minute info.  I've got to try to get proof of my baptism from the church I was baptized at.  I had to do this for our wedding so I'm kinda hoping that the church we got married at still has records of it.  I don't see why they wouldn't.  If not I'll have to go back to my old church.  I'm trying to avoid that.  When I went there to get a copy for our wedding the pastor wasn't exactly nice to me.  He was not the same pastor that was there when I left but for some reason he knew of me.  He had more than one snide comment regarding me marrying in the Catholic Church and becoming Catholic (even though at that time that was nowhere on my radar).  I can only imagine the things he will have to say now.  I feel like I shouldn't care, and I don't really, I just don't want to deal with it.  I don't like rude people.

I'm trying to spend a lot of time this week in prayer.  I want to prepare myself for Saturday and Sunday.  I'm so excited and anxious.  I'm starting to have trouble controlling my emotions.  I was driving the other day and just thinking about everything.  Then I started sobbing.  Not sad tears of course...happy ones. :)

On a completely different subject, I really need your prayers.  Prayer Buddy, if you are out there, I could really use you.  I can't get into too many specifics right now but I need prayers regarding my job.  I need prayers for clarity.  I'm in a really tough position and don't know what to do.  I feel very torn.  The decision I am leaning towards makes me nervous.  I wonder if it really is the right decision and if it is best for dh and I.  As soon as I figure out what I need to do I will let you know what it is that is going on.  But any prayers you can spare would be greatly appreciated.

7 Quick Takes

1.  I have an appointment with Dr. G (my Napro Consultant) on Wednesday, July 28th!  Woohoo!  I haven't actually seen her since last October.  All of our "appointments" have been over the phone.  I am making a list of the things I want to discuss with her

• We need to get dh an SA.  I'm not sure why we haven't already done this.  I'm actually very nervous about this.  DH took Acu.tane when he was a teenager and I've heard that it can lower sperm counts.
• The 4mg of Nal.trexone I'm taking (up from 2mg) every night isn't doing squat!  I'm still exhausted and I still have some major anxiety.  I'm beginning to think that my anxiety is a bigger problem than I've let on and I may need something stronger.  I have had this problem forever.  It's time to take care of it.  It's not a happy way to live.
• I was receiving B-12 shots from my primary (my B-12 is super super low!).  Well, I am not seeing my primary anymore (long story).  So I'm really hoping that Dr. G can give me a script for some B-12 shots.  Does anyone know if Napro will give you this.  I would love to be able to order the shots from Ku.bats and just have dh give them to me.  They really make a huge difference in the way I feel.
• Surgery!  We need to discuss surgery.  I know I need it.  It's time to stop playing around.
• Anything else?

2.  I need some book suggestions.  I'm done with the two I told you about (Signs of Life and Surprised By Truth).  DH has just about every Scott Hahn book ever written so I have plenty to choose from.  I just can't decide.  I'd also like to read some books about some saints.  I'm really interested in the lives of saints.  Any suggestions?  JBTC, I know saints are your expertise.  What do you think? :)

3.My rosaries are coming along great!  I have a few made and several that are mostly finished.  I'm just waiting on a shipment to come in to finish them.  I'll post some pictures when I get them completely done.  I have about 8 orders from family members.  This is so crazy!  I'm also working on one for the deacon who I've been meeting with weekly.  Our last meeting is on Monday.  I'm really hoping my order is in before then!  DH had this idea that I would buy a spot in our church bulletin and advertise that I make custom rosaries.  I'm not sure, I'll think about it.  I really do enjoy doing it though.  And coincidentally, the name of our parish is Our Lady of the Rosary.  :)  (JBTC, to answer your question, I make the beaded Rosaries.  What is a knotted twine rosary?  That sounds so cool!)

4.  We had a tragedy in our city 2 weeks ago.  Two police officers were shot at close range and killed after pulling a man over.  The man then took off (of course) and it took the city a few days to find him.  He actually turned himself in the night of both officers viewing.  Both officers were family men.  One was a father of 4 little boys all under the age of 9.  The other was awaiting the birth of his first child who was do last week (one week after the shooting).  It has been such a sad sad story.  A good friend of mine's husband works for the same department and was one of the first officers on the scene.  He is having a really hard time, as are all of the officers.  I can't imagine how they all must feel.  If any of you could spare a few prayers for the families of these two officers as well as the police department itself I know they would all appreciate it.

5.  I am fearing that my migraines are coming back.  I have always had migraines, for as long as I can remember.  I will have good years and bad years.  Some years they are so bad and so frequent that I have come close to losing jobs and have had doctors want me to go on disability.  Then I will have years where I get only about 3 migraines a month so it is manageable.  Well, things aren't going so well.  I've been getting migraines about every other day for the last 2 months. Not good!  I'm scared.  I don't know what to do.  I've tried so many different medications in the past and none of them work.  I'm also allergic to triptan drugs which means I can't take Imetre.x or the like.  Those are the most common for stopping a migraine in it's tracks.  I have also tried several preventative but they aren't healthy and have numerous unsafe side effects.  If I remember correctly, they aren't safe to take while ttc so they are definitely out of the question.  I'm at a loss.

6.  One more week until the big weekend.  I'm am getting so excited.  I can't even begin to accurately describe my emotions.  I was driving yesterday and just started thinking about it and trying to imagine it and I started crying these amazing tears of joy.  I have never in my life felt like this.  DH and I were talking the other day.  I was telling him about the feelings I get when I walk into church.  I was talking about how when I was Presbyterian I never got that same feeling walking into church.  Every Sunday I feel like I am home.  I feel at peace, I actually feel something.  It's not just a building.  So amazing!  Too much for words.

7.  I don't really have a #7...so...Have a great weekend!

A little of This...A little of That

Seeing the family on the 4th after the big announcement went great!  They were so happy that it eased my nerves quickly.  There was one family member who confused me a bit with her reaction but I wasn't surprised.  It was exactly what I expected from said family member.  You can't win them all.

We are down to about a week and a half until my first confession. While still a bit nervous I am really beginning to look forward to it.  All throughout the day I think of things from my past that I just can't wait to get off my chest.  I'm looking at it as a free psychologist appointment.  I know that when I walk out of that confessional I am going to feel so much lighter.  I feel like it will be the beginning.  I can let all my mistakes and sins of the past go and just start over.  LOVELY!

I'm still reading Scott Hahn's book Signs of Life but I'm also reading another book at the same time (I'm a bit crazy like that).  DH's aunt game me Surprised by Truth by Patrick Madrid and forwarded by Scott Hahn.  I LOVE it!  Seriously!  It's a book that has the conversion stories of eleven converts.  The stories are so unbelievably amazing!  I seriously cannot put the book down!  I started reading it yesterday morning while dh and I were sitting at Panera having breakfast and am almost done with the book.  I see so much of myself in so many of these people.  It's truly amazing.

Today is P+4.  My brain is already starting to play tricks on me.  If you guys could get into my head during the 2ww you would run screaming.  It's a very scary place to be.  Sometimes I wish I could take a vacation from it.  :)  Thanks to dh we "used" all of our good days.  I'm telling you though, if dh didn't help me with my charting I might have blew right over them out of fear.  He's a good man I tell ya.  So, if all does not go well I will be starting next Wed or Thurs, the 14th or 15th.  Let's pray that doesn't happen. :)  Prayer buddy, you've got some work to do.  Haha.  Is that allowed?  DH pointed out that if all does go well I would be able to find out on the 18th (do to the hcg injections I'm supposed to wait until P+17 to test).  This is the day after my first Holy Communion.  However, I pointed out to him that if I make it past next Thursday I'm going to seriously start getting my hopes up.  I won't be able to help it.  I have never ever ever made it past a 13 day lp.  Not even once.

I've really been noticing lately how much dh wants a baby.  It's funny because over the last few years he has really done such a great job supporting me (and still does) that he hasn't let me see how much it means to him.  Lately I've noticed the look in his eyes when he sees a new baby or how happy he was playing with his cousins girls on Sunday.  He told me that someone at work made a pretty rude comment to him at work the other day that left him feeling a little teary.  It made me feel horrible.  I want nothing more in this world than to make him a daddy.  I'm just so glad that I have him to go through this with.  I couldn't imagine a more supportive man to have by my side.  I really do believe that God planned us for each other.  It's funny because while at the in-laws house this weekend 3 of his aunts pointed out this very thing.  I really am so blessed.

Nervous!!!

Holy Moly I'm stinkin' nervous!  We are going to dh's parents house today for the 4th and it will be the first time we will be seeing everyone since they found out about my conversion. (DH and I are really lucky that both of our families live in the same area)  I can't figure out why I am so nervous...I got such wonderful responses to the email dh sent.  There is no reason why they wouldn't be happy for me.  I guess I'm just afraid of all the attention.  DH's family can be really "in-your-face."  So can my family but it is different when it is others (you would think I would be used to this seeing as dh and I have been together for 9 years).  To be honest, I really hate attention.  I like to just blend into the background.  I know dh's family and I know this is going to be a BIG DEAL!  It is a big deal, don't get me wrong, but I could do without the attention that goes with it.  I was hoping that I was worrying for nothing but after talking to dh this morning he sort of confirmed my feelings.  Oh boy...this is going to be fun. :)

To make things even more fun, dh invited everyone who wanted to join us to the Mass that I will be receiving my first Holy Communion.  I thought "there is no way they will all want to come!"  Although we all live relatively in the same area we are a bit north of the rest of the family and no one goes the parish we go to.  I will also be receiving at the 6pm Mass on Sunday so I figured no way.  Wrong again!  In every single one of the responses his family said they would be there.  Did I mention dh's family is huge?  In addition to his parents and brother his mom has 4 sisters and 1 brother.  All of his aunts and uncles have children and some of those children have children or at least spouses.  We are talking close to 30 people here.  Our church is relatively small in terms of space.  Although our parish has several thousand members it is a temporary building that was built until they build a more permanent building (you would never know that though unless they told you...it's very pretty).  Fortunately it's summer and so many are on vacation so attendance has been a bit lighter.  I was nervous enough when Deacon A said that before communion Father R would call me up first to receive first in front of everyone.  That alone had me shaky...but now there are going to be people I know there.  Makes my stomach flip-flop thinking about it.

Between the nervousness and the absolute excitement I think I may explode!  This has to be one of the most exciting times in my life.  Like I said in a previous post.  I feel the same way I felt leading up to my wedding day.  Such excitement and anticipation.  I love it!

Prayer Buddies!

Can I just say how excited I am to be a part of the Summer Prayer Buddies?  I am practically giggling with excitement.  I know a lot of people don't read my blog but I read a lot of others.  I pray for everyone everyday.  Sometimes I pray by name (or blog name), sometimes I just pray in general.  To be honest, praying for you blogger ladies has actually helped to strengthen my prayer life.  I've always struggled to set time aside to just sit and talk with God.  Having you ladies to pray for sort of reminds me to do that.  I feel so blessed to have found such an amazing group of faithful women who are sharing the same cross that I have.  Although I would not wish this struggle on anyone, it is nice to have people who get it.  People who know the ups and downs that happen from day to day...sometimes hour to hour.  Finding these blogs had truly been such a blessing in my life.  It is something I try to remember to thank God for every day.

Can't Sleep

So it's like 12:45 am...way, way past my bedtime.  I tried to go to sleep, really I did, but I just can't.  I just can't seem to shut my crazy little brain off.  There is so much swimming around up there it's enough to drive a person to the crazy house.

The big thing swimming in my brain is my "coming home."  It's on my mind constantly.  I'm so happy, excited, amazed, joyful, nervous, anxious, etc. etc.  I honestly have no idea how to put my feelings into any words that make even the slightest bit of sense.  I was telling dh today that the feelings are so similar to the feelings I had leading up to our wedding day.  I have a feelings that my emotions on that day will be very similar too.  I'm sure tears will be shed.  DH sent out an email to his family tonight letting them know.  We've already received a few responses and I was so happy to read the kind words that some of his aunts had to say.  I got a little teary reading them.  Honestly, I feel like I need to soak up every feeling and every thought in these upcoming weeks.  I want to forever ingrain all of this in my mind.  I don't want to forget what brought me to this point in my life.  I want to remember everything so that I can always grow and always have this foundation to fall back on.

Infertility of course is always on my mind as well.  I have such mixed emotions.  Like I mentioned in my post earlier today I feel like I am subconsciously trying to sabotage our trying.  It's fear I know.  Fear of another failed cycle.  Fear of another CD1 heartbreak.  Like I said before, thankfully dh is here to keep me in check.  I'm so glad he is, I know that if we didn't use a "good" day I would always wonder if that was the day we needed to finally conceive.  Make sense?

My job has also been a huge source of stress lately.  I'm just not happy with it.  I know this is terrible to say, but I feel like I am just buying time until we do have children and I can stay home with them.  The tears have been a flowin' lately and dh can't stand to see me so upset.  He on numerous occasions has told me to just quit.  But I can't seem to bring myself to do it.  We could make it with only his income, but there would be absolutely no extras.  No cable, no gym memberships, no putting money into savings.  I don't know that I want to live like that right now.  DH is due for a raise, which would make a huge difference.  I've been praying about it, trying to figure out what I should do but I can't come up with a decision.  I don't want to make a decision based on emotions.  There has been so much drama revolving around my job lately that I don't want that to be what sways me in a particular direction...although, according to dh, all the drama is exactly what should sway me in a particular direction.

On a much happier note (I really hate how my posts seem to be so negative lately), I am going to pick out paint colors tomorrow.  Our living room/kitchen/dining room is getting a makeover!  I'm so stinkin' excited!  Maybe I'll post before and after pictures.

Oh, and apparently dh told his family (in the email about my joining the Church) that I have been making rosaries...well two of his aunts want to buy several from me.  Woohoo!  I just started making them for fun, because I wanted to do something crafty, because I needed to do something with my hands.  I figured I would give them as gifts (dh had other plans though).  This is pretty cool too thought.  I'm thinking about getting into making some jewelry too.  Now that would be cool to sell!

I guess I should apologize for any run-ons and misspelled words.  I'm too tired to proof read.  Not that that helps much seeing as my dyslexia makes that difficult.  Did I ever mention that I am dyslexic?  Well I am.  It mainly affects my spelling and sometimes I switch numbers around.  Fortunately my reading isn't affected...that I am good at.