Quick Takes

1. I know I promised a post about what Fr. Carlos is teaching us about prayer. However, my laptop refuses to connect to the Internet and typing that on my phone would be seriously frustrating and take way to long. I'm in desperate need of a new computer!

2.I'm now 32 weeks! I'm sill in a bit in shock. If it wasn't for my ginormous belly I would not believe it at all. I'm now at the point for appointments every two weeks. That just makes all of this more real. My next appointment is next Friday the 4th. I've got to have bloodwork that day. Fun! It's all for mandatory state STD testing. Do all states do that? They made me do it at the beginning too. I really wish I could decline it. It's about $500 out of pocket and I'm pretty darn sure I don't have any STDs. Heck, my last blood work came back all clear and I know I did t pick anything up in the last few months.

3. Sleep has become nearly impossible! I've got some major insomnia. To make that more fun I just can't seem to get comfortable. My hips and lower back are killing me!!! I've also had a stuffy nose and cough this whole pregnancy that seems to be getting worse. So I either can't breathe at night or I'm hacking up my lungs. It's fun! I promise! :) K likes to remind me that it's all just preparing me for the sleepless nights of motherhood.

4. Still no shower pictures. My sister hasn't sent them to me. I'm hooky to have them soon and I promise to post. Hopefully one of the bump pics turned out good.

5. I've begun to sort through everything in Mary-Grace's room and try to make a lost of what we still need. I started washing her clothes today. I hate laundry but there is something different about washing things for her. I don't mind doing it at all. I actually feel blessed to be able to do it. There is laundry to be done for a baby in MY house. No way! She's got some stinkin cute outfits too! I'll have to post pictures.

6. I've developed a new crafty hobby. Making headbands for MG. I got the idea from some of he cute ones I found on Etsy. It's so much fun! She's going to have a headband for every outfit if I have anything to say about it. :)

Here are a few of the ones I've done so far...












This last one with the dachshund isn't done yet but I thought it was cute. My little Oscar approves and it will go perfectly with the first outfit I bought her. :)

Blogger ladies with baby girls or baby girls on the way...you'll probably be getting some once I get better at it. :)

7. Could I solicit you ladies for some prayers for a friend? My first "serious" boyfriend and his wife had a little baby boy, Breyten, on Christmas Eve, 3 1/2 weeks early. He has been diagnosed with downs syndrome and is having some pretty major heart complications. He spent a few weeks in the NICU before being sent home. Then the heart problems got worse and the had to be transfers to a children's hospital up here (they live about 3 hours south of here). They've been sent home again. Please pray for this little baby and his parents. I can only imagine what they must feel like.

I hope you all have a wonderful wonderful weekend! I'll be seeing Scott Hahn tomorrow so I'm sure I'll have lots to tell you next week!

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The things kids say. :)

My sister S sent me a text today.  S is the one who has 2 little boys with a little girl on the way in July (I think I may have forgotten to mention that she's pregnant. And obviously the fertile one in the family).

She has been working with her 2 1/2 year old Eli on pooping in the potty.  Not in his pants.  Not on the floor next to the potty (yes, he did that). In the potty!  It's been a battle to say the least.

So today he finally did it!  She was so proud.  The first thing Eli said to my sister was "Can I tell Nana?"  She thought he wanted the phone to call her.  She was trying to think of how to explain to him again.  Not easy I'm sure.  But before she could say anything to him, he looked up to heaven and with a huge grin on his face said, "Nana! I POOPED!"

My sister said she was laughing and crying at the same time. 

She also said the other day she was talking with her 6 year old son, Jacob.  After a few minutes, out of nowhere, he said to her, "Mom, is Nana walking with Jesus right now?"  She looked at him, again about to cry and said "She sure is...in size 4 jeans (Nana had seriously struggled with her weight for many many years and used to joke about it and say that Jesus would fix her body when she got to heaven.)! Jacob then said, "I bet that's a really nice walk."

I wish we didn't lose that little thing that kids have.  That things that allows them to say anything.  That innocence that they have.  It's such a beautiful thing.

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On another note.  Stay tuned for a post about prayers.  K and I have been invited by one of our priests (the one from this post) to attend a workshop on prayer along with the rest of the adults who work with the teens at church.  Like I said before, he's about to become a spiritual director and is doing this sort of as practice.  Although, I don't think he needs much practice, he is amazing!  Well, the first workshop is this Saturday.  K and I are unable to make it since we are going to hear Scott Hahn.  So he offered to meet with us ahead of time so we won't be behind.  We met with him for a couple of hours last night and let me just say, I will never look at prayer the same way.  I will also never pray the same way.  I've decided that the tools I've already learned in just one session are too amazing and potentially life changing not to share.  So I've decided who better to share it with than you ladies.  I think you will love it!  I hope to get the post up tomorrow so be on the look out. :)

100th Post!

100 Posts!  OH MY!

I can't believe I actually have that much to say.  Actually looking back at some of my posts I realize I don't really have that much to say...but thanks for reading. :)  Thanks for putting up with me. :)  My 1 year blogerverary is coming up, so I'll save the "looking back" post for that day.

I have a few things...

Baby Shower:  I had a great time on Saturday.  It was a bit surreal and I tried to remember what someone told me on my wedding day, "Try to stop and take mental pictures of everything because it will go by really fast."  It's very true.  It went by super fast and I can't believe it's already over.  I don't know how many pictures were taken, I'm waiting for one of my sisters to email me what she got.  Hopefully there are a few good ones.  I'll post them as soon as I get them.

I have a lot to say about the day but I'll save it for a post when I get the pictures.  But I will say that Mary-Grace is one spoiled loved little girl.  I heard a few of the ladies say that they've never seen so many baby gifts at a shower before.  It's a bit overwhelming and I can hardly get through her room.  There are boxes and bags EVERYWHERE!

I definitely missed my Nana at the party.  It was obvious that someone was missing.  It broke my heart but I tried really hard to focus on the good and know that she was watching me.  I think she was there, even if I couldn't see her.

Cloth Diapers:  Do any of you ladies have experience with cloth diapers?  My sister has done them with her second child (he's 2 1/2 now) so I have gotten some of her opinions.  But I'm looking for others.  My sister does prefolds. I don't think I like that style.  I originally wanted rumparooz, but I think I've changed my mind.  I've decided I want a diaper with inserts so that I don't have to change the cover every time she gets a diaper change.  That's not the case with Rumps.  They are pocket diapers so everything has to be changed.  If any of you have a brand that is a favorite I'd love to hear it!

Needs:  Now that I've had my shower I'm trying to make a list of what I still need.  I'm wondering about clothing.  How many onesies do you think I'll need each day?  I've got a few newborn and 0-3 month sizes since there is no telling exactly how big she will be.  My sister has big babies and neither one of hers ever fit into newborn.  So at first I wasn't going to buy any.  However, in talking to my Nana and my dad, they both reminded me that I was a very small baby (my sister was not) and so was my dad and his brother and sister.  Annnnd...my doctor has mentioned several times that Mary-Grace is on the small side, not dangerous small, just small.  So, anyway.  I was just wanted to make sure I had enough.  I know that my laundry is obviously going to increase, but I'd like to not do it every day. :)

I'm off to Target to return a few things that I got duplicates of.  I'm sure I'll get sucked into the baby section and spend entirely too much money on thing I don't need.  That is how Target works isn't it?  It's such a money pit. :)  And girl stuff is just too darn cute!  It's hard to pass it up sometimes.  I have no willpower! :)

Quick Takes

Before I get started on my Quick Takes, I have a question.  Several months back someone, I believe Sew, posted something about a contact list.  It was some sort of list so that when one of the girls had a baby or adopted we could all get together to send gifts.  Time escaped me and I forgot to sign up.  I know there are some girls coming up on their due dates and I want to be able to participate in sending them gifts for their new little ones.  Does anyone know who is in charge of that?

1. I discovered something new yesterday while shopping at Fresh Mar.ket, (It's a great little gourmet grocery store I don't make it to often because it's out of the way and a bit pricy.) blueberry cornbread!  Um, seriously?  Where has this been all my life?  It's probably the best thing I've ever eaten.  Food shouldn't taste that good!.  I ate some last night for a snack.  A little this morning for breakfast.  And I've got just a little left.  I'm sure it won't last long because it's calling my name as I type.  I'm going to have to go back for more. :)

2.  DH will be gone tonight. :(  I really really hate him not being here.  We have only spent a handful of nights away from each other since we got married.  I never sleep well when he is gone.  He's going up to Brooksville which is a small rural town about 45 minutes North of here.  My family has owned some property up there since my grandmother was a baby.  It's awesome and a great place to escape that isn't far away...and it's free. My dad decided to have a boys weekend this weekend so DH is joining him and my uncle, BIL, Nephews, my other sisters boyfriend, and possibly my grandfather.  I'm sure he's have fun.  It's sure to be a night of beer and whiskey.  :)  But I'll miss him.

3.  My Christmas decorations are still up.  Yep.  I'm sitting here typing still staring at my tree (Don't worry, it's fake, first time ever having a fake tree and I hated it!).  And while I love the house all festive, I think it's time to come down.  I would usually never leave them up this long but with everything that has gone one over the past couple of weeks it's just been at the very bottom of my todo list.  It's starting to drive me crazy.  Maybe since I will be spending the evening alone tonight it would be a good time to do it.

4.  I'm 31 weeks this week.  Crazy if you ask me.  I don't know what it is about getting into the 30's but it just feels different.  I'm seriously feeling the time crunch.  I'm due in 9 weeks!  Just 9 weeks.  I know I can go up to 2 weeks after that but even 11 sounds crazy.  If you consider that full term is actually at 37 weeks (at least according to my doctor) I could go in as early as 6 weeks.  And my doctor told me at my appointment yesterday that if I went into labor at 36 weeks they wouldn't do anything to try to stop it.  Wow!  I'm so ready to see sweet Mary-Grace's little face but I'm also not really ready for her to be on the outside.  At least while she's in there I can keep her safe.  I told dh yesterday that I'm going to miss her kicks once she's out.

5.  K and I have tickets to see Scott Hahn next weekend!  Wahoo!  We are so excited.  It's an all day event beginning with Mass at 8:30am.  I think it ends at 4pm or so.  So it's going to be a long day but I can't wait.  Scott Hahn's books and cds really helped me understand Catholicism.  It was reading The Lamb's Supper that everything really began to click for me. I think it's fair to say that he played a huge role in my conversion.

6.  My baby shower is tomorrow.  I'm really excited, but really nervous.  I'm sad that Nana won't be there.  I'm going to try really hard not to completely breakdown.  I'm hoping people have enough sense not to ask me how I'm doing or tell me how sorry they are for my loss.  I know that that is what you say, and that no one would mean any harm by it, but I just feel like it might not be the right time for it.  I sound terrible saying that, I know.  But it's going to be hard enough getting through the day without her there without having to talk about it.  I still don't really want to talk much about it.  It's way too painful.  But I am excited.  I'm sure it will be a lot of fun.  And it's going to be great to see some of the people that I haven't seen in awhile and don't get to see too often.  Maybe a few prayers for me for peace tomorrow.  I know I've been asking a lot of them lately.  I'm sorry.

7.  I'm going to ask for one more prayer request.  Please, please keep praying for my grandfather.  I stopped by to see him yesterday and he isn't doing well.  He really is the picture of health for a man who is 72.  He's always been in great shape.  However, he has aged considerably in the last 3 weeks.  I can't believe how much older he is looking.  In talking to him I am really getting the sense that he feels responsible for my Nana's death.  He is starting to questions if he made the right decisions.  I cannot imagine what if feels like to watch your wife of 50 years take her last breath and then wonder if you did the right thing and that maybe if you would have made different decisions things would have been different and she still would have been here.  It's heartbreaking to say the least.  So any prayers you can send up on his behalf I'm sure he would appreciate.  I hate to see him in such pain.  He is usually such a rock.

Have a great weekend ladies!  Thank you all for all of your prayers over the last few weeks.  I can't tell you how much they mean to me and my family.  I'm keeping you all in my prayers as well.

Spiritual Direction

Last week K approached me with possibly making an appointment with Fr. Carlos.  Fr. Carlos is an amazing priest at our parish.  He's pretty young (only 34), but one of the most genuine and spiritual people I have ever met.  K and I have developed a wonderful relationship with him and he has taken special interest in sweet Mary-Grace.  He is on the road to becoming a spiritual director very soon and is just one of those people that is very easy to talk to.

Anyhoo...K suggested that I make an appointment with him.  I was having trouble talking about how I was feeling as I usually do and also feeling guilty for the feelings I was having.  I was unsure because I didn't know if what I was going through was important enough to bother him.  I wasn't even sure how to approach it.  I'm really really not good at sharing my feelings with people.  So, K made the appointment for me and then just said to cancel if I didn't want to go.

I considered canceling but then completely forgot all about it.  This morning when K woke me up to tell me he was leaving for work he reminded me that I had an appointment at 9:30.  Crap!  I forgot to cancel.

When I pulled into the church parking lot my heart was racing and felt like it was going to pop out of my chest.  I considered just leaving and saying that I forgot all about the appointment.  I can't believe how nervous I was.

When I went into Fr. Carlos' office he put me at ease immediately.  He asked about MG and how I was feeling.  He showed me some pictures on his wall and talked about each one.  I'm pretty sure he could tell I was nervous and was trying to relax me.  We then sat down and he said the most amazing prayer.  And the tears started to flow.  He brought up my Nana (I didn't know he knew why I was there) and asked me to tell him about her.  It didn't take long for him to get a feel for the type of woman she was.  He asked I was feeling and told me to be brutally honest.  He reassured me that my feelings were just that, my feelings, and that there was no reason to suppress them.  He was even able to drag feelings out of me that I wasn't even aware I was feeling.

He did the most amazing thing with me that I can already tell has helped and will be something I will be able to continue to use.  It's something I won't be able to explain fully or give justice to, but trust me, it was awesome!

He had me close my eyes and picture Christ on the cross.  He told me to ask Him to take away my sadness.  So I did.  When I opened my eyes he asked me how I felt along with some other questions.  But I told Fr. Carlos I was feeling lonely and I didn't understand why.  I told him I've been blessed with a great family, wonderful friends, and an amazing husband, and yet I feel lonely.  So he had me close my eyes again and picture Christ again, only this time when I saw him he wasn't on the cross for some reason.  I kept seeing him standing in front of me with this beautiful white robe with gold trim and it looked like we were standing in the clouds.  I kind of chuckled at this because this is my childhood image of heaven.  I always imagined it in the clouds. :)  Fr. Carlos gave me a few more things to do and some questions I could ask Jesus.  He asked me to give him my sadness and loneliness again.  When I opened my eyes he asked what He did with it.  I told him he took it out of my hands and was holding onto it for me.  He asked me what His face looked like (expression wise) and I told him he looked sad.  Not sad for me or sad because I was making him sad but sad with me.  He then asked me to close my eyes again and allow Christ to wrap his arms around me.  When I closed my eyes again I not only saw Christ standing there, I saw my Nana.  She was there standing right next to Christ.  When I allowed Christ to put his arms around me I felt Nana.  It felt exactly like one of her hugs.  I could actually feel her skin and smell her.  I cannot explain it but it was the most amazing feeling.

Father asked me what I thought about all of that and I told him that I thought it was His and her way of telling me that I was not alone.  Christ is with me and Nana is right there too.  I told him the most amazing part was that my Nana was standing.  Not all bent over and in pain the way she has for so long, but standing upright.  She looked so beautiful.  And she looked so happy. 

Father asked me if I would rather Nana be here and still suffering or if I wanted her to be there with Christ, healthy and happy.  I told him the selfish me wants her here, but that seeing that image of her made me realize that she is so much happier there.  It is us, her family that are hurting here but she is not hurting.  She is with Christ where there is no sadness, no pain, and no more suffering.

He asked me to try to remember that just because she is gone from here she is still here with me.  And that as much as I thought I needed her here, and as much help as I though she gave me here, she will be able to do so much more there.  He joked about how she now had special connections. :)  He told me to remember that in that moment that I was there with Christ and Nana, Mary-Grace was there too.  Nana will be sure to make sure that Mary-Grace knows her.  She will do it in her own special way.  He said that Mary-Grace already knows her and has a special prayer warrior for her in heaven.  He asked me if Nana told me anything, and she did.  She told me that it was ok to be sad, but to remember that everything was going to be ok.  I believe her.  For the first time in my life, I think everything is going to be ok.  I am going to be ok.  Sure this still hurts.  And it will more than likely hurt for a long time, but it is going to be ok. 

Father also asked if I felt a Mary connection to the whole thing.  I told him I did.  He said he could really feel Mary in all of this and I told him I wasn't surprised.  Our Blessed Mother keeps showing herself to me in just about everything.  Maybe it's about time I start writing it off as coincidence and go with it. :)

He challenged me to go to that same place every time I pray.  I will definitely be trying that.  It was the most amazing place.  It's hard to explain, but it was more than just in my mind, I was there.  I felt it, and it was warm.  Is that strange?

I know that it is going to take time to heal.  I can't expect this to happen over night.  However, I now feel like I've been given permission to grieve and to work towards moving on and finding a new normal.  And now I feel like it's all going to be ok.  Nana told me so.  And trust me, she wouldn't lie to me. :)

Quick Takes

1.  Thank you all again for all of your prayers.  It has been a week since Nana passed and 2 weeks since the stroke.  Her obituary is in the paper today.  I helped write it but am not happy with it now that I'm reading it.  I wish we would have made it more personal and included "Nana" somewhere in it.  When Granddaddy and I sat down to write it we both cried through the whole thing making it hard to think.  I guess nothing we can do about that now.  I'm not going to say I'm feeling better, because I'm not.  But I will say that I seem to be crying a little less.  I went to a meeting with the other leaders for our youth last night to plan the semester and I actually laughed a lot.  I enjoyed myself.  I also went wedding dress shopping with my best friend yesterday.  I really enjoyed myself!  It was a wonderful distraction!

2.  K made an appointment for me with one of our wonderful priests, Fr. Carlos, for Tuesday.  Father Carlos is fairly new to our parish but K and I really love him.  He is AMAZING.  We have developed a great relationship with him.  I was telling K a few days back how I feel like I just need to talk to someone.  I'm struggling with some things and with Nana's passing everything seems to be getting worse.  I've been feeling for a long time like maybe I'm a bad person or did something wrong.  My whole life has been full of tragedy and heartbreak.  There seems to always be something and it's never something little.  K said he completely understands why I feel that way seeing everything I have been through.  He said he often feels guilty because nothing bad ever seems to happen to him while everything happens to me.  He thought talking to Fr. Carlos would be good for me...he is also a certified or trained or whatever you call it spiritual director.  I'm hoping he can help.  I'm really really nervous though.  I'm not so good at sharing my feeling with people, especially face to face.  I have always been someone who holds everything in until I just explode.  I think that's why you ladies have been so good for me.  I seem to tell you a lot.  Lucky you. :)

3.My baby shower is in a week!  A week!  My baby shower!  I never thought I would get to attend a baby shower that was actually for me.  I know it's going to be bittersweet with Nana not being there, but I'm sure she'll be watching.  She was so excited for it.  There is going to be nearly 40 people there so that should be a huge distraction.  I'm just hoping everyone doesn't keep asking me how I'm doing regarding Nana.  I don't want to crumble in front of everyone.  Hopefully people realize that it's not the time or the place.  My Aunt E (Nana's daughter) said she probably won't make it.  I know it's hard for her too but I'm really hoping she is there.  It would really mean a lot.  I have very few women in my family and it would be nice if some of them were actually there.  It's going to be all K's family and a few friends.  I've been praying for her, I hope she feels well enough to be there.

4. I never updated on my appointment with the endocrinologist.  It went ok, I guess.  He said that I'm definitely hyper for right now but that that often happens to women in pregnancy.  They aren't sure why.  The thing is that there isn't much they can do to treat that that is safe for Mary-Grace so he'd rather just monitor it for now.  He said it will resolve itself once she is born.  However, he is thinking, based on everything I told him about my past that I probably have Hash.imoto's Thy.roiditis.  He wants and ultrasound on my thyroid as well as a thyroid antibody test.  Ha!  A thyroid test I've actually never had done!  Is it sad that I'm actually hoping that I have this issue?  At least it would be a diagnosis and I could finally get some treatment!

5.  I'm now 30 weeks pregnant!  I know I say this every time, but I cannot believe it!  Only 10 more weeks.  And in 7 I'm considered full term!  Only 7!  This all just baffles my mind.  I'm sure it's going to fly by and she'll be here before I know it.  I can't wait to hold her in my arms and kiss her little face.  I keep trying to imagine what she will look like.  It's pretty much impossible.

6.  We started our Brad.ley classes on Tuesday.  I know, I know, we are really late with that one.  The class actually runs past my due date but the instructor agreed to meet with us on additional days to make sure we get everything.  I really love our instructor!  She's a little crunchy, but very nice.  She is also a doula, which I still need to hire.  K and I are thinking about talking to her.  I need to get on the ball!

7.  I think I'm starting to get to that really uncomfortable part of pregnancy.  I thought I was uncomfortable a few weeks ago.  Sheesh!  I can't imagine how bad it's going to be over the next 10 weeks or so.  She is head down and keeps using my bladder as a pillow.  It's getting increasingly hard to make it to the bathroom.  I'm waiting for the day I pee on myself.  I'm not above de.pends y'all!  I will buy them if that happens. :)  When she moves sometimes it feels like she is grinding on my hip bones.  I think you can actually hear it.  It's very weird.  She was too long for my body at 17 weeks...now it's just getting crazy.  I CANNOT BREATHE!  It's pretty scary at times.  I think I'm starting to waddle.  I always said I wouldn't waddle, but I can't help it.  My hips and back are killing me.  I guess it just comes with the territory.  Braxt.on Hick.s are picking up and becoming more and more noticeable.  Sometime sit scares me because they occasionally accompanied by some pain in my lower abdomen and my back.  But nothing is patterned so I have to remind myself that it's normal.  I don't want to be "that girl" at my doctor's office. :)

Thanks again for all of your prayers.  Any prayers you could continue to offer my family would be much appreciated.  I know they are helping.  And I promise, I'm still reading all of your blogs, I just haven't had it in me to comment.  I promise, I'll get back into it asap!

Thank you all for your prayers over the last couple of weeks.  It means so much to know that someone out there is praying for my family and me.

I've written about a dozen posts over the last few days.  I just can't seem to finish them.  Nothing I can possibly say seems adequate for my feelings.  I'm heartbroken.  My heart aches like I've never experienced before.  I didn't know that pain could feel like this.  The pain isn't just emotional, it's physical too.  My heart actually hurts.  It feels like someone is squeezing my chest and I can't breathe. 

I miss my Nana more than I could ever possibly express.  This is the longest I have gone in years without seeing her let alone talking to her.  I think I'm still in a bit of denial.  Every morning when I wake up I have to remind myself that this is real and it wasn't all some terrible nightmare.  She really is gone.  I've been going over to her house to see my Granddaddy.  When I walk in I keep expecting her to come around the corner from the hallway like she always did and say "Hey baby!  How are you and Mary-Grace doing today?"  I expect to sit at the dinning room table like we always did and just chat for hours and hours.  This is what we did several times a week.  It was my favorite thing to do and it never got old.  I couldn't wait until Mary-Grace was here so that I could bring her over to join us.  Neither could Nana.  She would talk about how I would have to bring her over just so she could hold her.  She would tell me that she would keep her while I took a shower or a nap.  She couldn't wait.  Neither could I.

I can't help but feel like it wasn't supposed to be like this.  I know God has a plan for us all.  I know that there will come a day when he will call all of us home.  I just wasn't ready for this.  I guess I never would have been ready.  I feel like she was supposed to be here still.  Back before I got pregnant I used to pray that God would keep her here long enough to meet my baby.  I prayed this everyday.  If you remember, last May she got really sick.  We really thought we were going to lose her.  But then she got better.  She shouldn't have, but she did.  She was put on Hos.pice, but that didn't worry me.  We had been down that road with her and she improved so much that she was released.  Then in July I found out about Mary-Grace.  Other than K, she was the first person I told.  I waited until Wednesday when I got the lab results back.  I was driving to her house when I got the call from Dr. G.  I burst through her door and she knew something was up.  She kept looking at me funny and ask what was going on.  She always could read my facial expressions better than anyone.  I wanted to be creative but I just couldn't wait.  So I just blurted out "I'M PREGNANT!!!"  She had the biggest smile on her face I've ever seen and tears streamed from her eyes.  It was so wonderful.  I began thanking God that I got to share this news with her.  I was so happy that she would get to meet my baby.

Since that point she began getting better and better.  She started doing things she hadn't done in years.  She constantly talked about Mary-Grace and how special she was.  As soon as she found out we were having a girl she started shopping like crazy.  It was the first time she got out of the house regularly in a very long time.  She even learned how to shop online. She couldn't stand it when she would buy something and she would show me but tell me I couldn't have it until my shower.  This was so Nana.  She couldn't keep a secret. She had a box in her closet full of all the things she couldn't wait to give Mary-Grace.  Back in September she was once again release from Hos.pice.  Her head nurse couldn't believe her turn around and said she was healthier than she had been in many many years.  I was so proud of her.

For the first time in years I stopped worrying about Nana.  She hasn't been in good health for a very very long time.  She never really took good care of herself.  But this time she was doing so great.  She was so unbelievably happy.  It was wonderful to see.  This past Christmas she was giddy.  Christmas is her favorite time of year.  She always talked about how Granddaddy would light her a fire in the fire place and she would sit by the tree and wrap presents with a nice cup of coffee.  She hadn't been able to wrap her own presents in a long time.  But this year she did.  Granddaddy said she had the biggest smile on her face.  He couldn't believe how happy it made her.

She had the invitation to my baby shower taped up on the hutch in her dining room when I was over on Christmas.  She couldn't wait.  She was so happy to have another great-grandbaby and that we were finally having another girl in the family.  There hasn't been a girl since my little sister was born almost 26 years ago.  We were due.

I'm glad that I was able to be there when she passed.  It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I was happy that her family could be there so she wasn't alone.  We all talked to her and told her it was ok and that her family would be ok.  She was never afraid of dying.  She would always tell me that her momma, brothers, and Nonnie and Papa were preparing a big family reunion for her up in heaven.  And that when she got there they would all be waiting at the gates for her.  She missed them all dearly.  I put my head on her hand a told her it was ok to go.  I told her that GG, Johnny, Billy, and Nonnie and Papa were waiting for her.  I asked her to give them all a hug and a kiss for me.  I also asked her to please be at the gate waiting for me when it was my day to go.  I know she will.

I know they say that with time it will get better.  It's hard to believe that right now.  My heart is too heavy.  My shower is in a week and a half.  She won't be there.  She wanted to be.  I wanted to cancel it or at least postpone it.  K won't let me.  He said that Nana would be so upset with me if I did.  He's right.  But it's going to be so hard not having her there.  Many of the gifts she ordered me arrived 2 days after she passed.  It seems strange and a bit ironic.  I don't know how exactly, it just does.

My Nana was such an amazing person.  She was so much more than a grandmother to me.  She took the place of a mother when I didn't have one.  She didn't think twice about it.  She was selfless, and witty, and funny, and smart.  She was the most wonderful and amazing person I have ever met.  The world has lost a special person.  If you met her once, you were family.  If I ever introduced her as Mrs. Taylor to a friend she would look at me like I was nuts.  She always told everyone "You can just call me Nana."  That's who she was, she was Nana, Nana to everyone.

She will have a piece of my heart forever.  I can't imagine that life will ever be the same.  I will miss her voice, the was she smelled, the feel of her skin, her hugs.  I wish I could just have one more hug.  I don't know if I would ever let go.  I'm sad that Mary-Grace will never have the honor of meeting her.  K has been telling me that I am so much like her.  I don't see it.  I can't compare to the woman she was.  But I do hope that a piece of her is in me.  If I turn in to half the woman and mother she was, that would be something special.

Thank you all again for all of your prayers.  If you could continue to pray for my family I would really be grateful.  Please especially remember my Granddaddy and my sister Amber.  Granddaddy is having a really really hard time.  He's always been such a strong man but he has crumbled.  Thankfully, his doctor that has been with he and nana for years came by the house last week to check on him.  She brought with her a prescription to help him cope.  It's helping but he could still use prayers.  He is feeling guilty and wondering if he made the right decisions.  They were married for 50 years this past November.  I can't imagine what he is going through.  My sister Amber is also having a really hard time.  She was the only one of us who wasn't there when she passed...she lives a few hours away.  She has always been someone who worries me.  She is pretty emotionally unstable and unfortunately, I don't know that she believes in God anymore.  In times like this a belief in God become even more important.  I don't know how people who don't get through this sort of thing at all.  I worry about her.