Sleep! Glorious Sleep!

So I'm not going to tell you (because when you tell people it makes things change) that this girl...

This girl right here...






Yes, the one giving me the side eye. Slept from about 9:30 last night until 4:00 this morning. I'm also not going to tell you that after she ate she went back to sleep and slept until 8:15...in her own room...in her crib! But I'm not going to tell you all of that. ;)

Updated to add that I'm not going to mention that she just woke up from a 2 hour nap. Nope, not going to mention it. ;)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the autocorrect craziness! My phone is out to get me!

Thank you and an update.

Thank you all so, so much for your kind words, prayers, emails, and FB messages. I was really struggling bad last week. Really bad. This week things are looking much much better.

Over the weekend I had K get up with MG every other time she woke. I was still up often but it not being every hour was glorious! I don't need a ton of sleep, but I do need to sleep in longer than 30 minute increments. It's amazing what sleep depravation can do to you. Not just physically, but mentally too.

At my OB appointment yesterday, other than finding out that we're having another girl (squee! I'm so excited!) we also discussed a few other things. One, my weight. Ive been steadily loosing since I got pregnant. If I was sick the way I was with MG they wouldn't have batted an eye at it. But I'm not so they are slightly concerned. I have my 20 week ultrasound in 3 weeks. Hopefully Hannah is measuring on target, if not I'm sure they aren't going to be happy. In the mean time I'm supposed to be increasing my food intake.

I think there may be a few reasons to the weight loss. For one thing, I'm still bf'ing MG. I'm also still dealing with being hyperthyroid. One of the symptoms of that is unexplained weight loss. Then of course there is just being busy. Keeping up with MG all day and being so exhausted sometimes causes me to forget to eat. I'm trying to be much more diligent about stopping to eat every few hours. Even if it's just a little bit of cheese or a glass of milk. I've got to get the calories in somehow. Too bad I can't have this hyperthyroid when I'm not pregnant. I wouldn't mind unexplained weight loss so much then.

I also showed my OB some medication the endocrinologist prescribed me for my thyroid. I didn't start taking it because it had some pretty scary warnings on it regarding liver failure and death in pregnant women. The OB assured me though that these were very very rare side effects an that were almost always associated with women who already had liver problems. He also pointed out that I was given a much smaller dose than what is customary. He said that the medication was actually the one for hyperthyroidism that is given to pregnant women. The other one is not recommended at all. He agreed to monitor my liver enzymes monthly just to be sure. He also said that as my thyroid levels get back to a bit more normal we'll stop the medication and just continue to monitor. He also explained that hyperthyroidism in pregnancy in itself can be dangerous to Hannah. Apparently it can cause all sorts of issues. I'm pretty comfortable with the plan for now. And to be honest, I've already noticed feeling a little less foggy since I began taking it. I'm by totally clear headed, but I'm more clear than I have been in years. I'll take it.

On to some not so fun news. I took MG in for her 6 month check up this morning. In 3 months she hasn't gained any weight and has only grown 1/4 inch. I feared this. I've been feeling for quite some time that my milk supply has been dropping. All the signs are there and I'm at that point in my pregnancy where it's common. My pediatrician. Was slightly concerned but really helpful. Our first plan of action is to increase solids. We had been moving slowly but we are now going to be feeding her 4 times per day. We are going to weigh in in one month and see how it's going. At that point we will decide if supplementing with formula is necessary. It breaks my heart to think that I font make enough for her. I feel all kinds of mommy guilt. But I absolutely cannot let her go hungry! I knew we would eventually have to supplement. It just sort of snuck up on me. As much as I don't want to give her formula the most important thing is to feed my baby. I have to remember that.

I also talked to him about her frequent waking at night. He thinks that unfortunately it could be because she is hungry. She's probably not getting enough during the day to keep her satisfied. We're going to see how she does with this solids increase and then revisit it again next month.

Thank you all again for everything! Your prayers have helped so much!

And just for fun, a picture of my little Peanut!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the autocorrect craziness! My phone is out to get me!

Mary-Grace is going to have a little...

SISTER!
Hannah Therese

We couldn't be happier. I was 99.9% sure it was a boy so we were both surprised. I think it is going to be wonderful having two little girls so close in age. A dream come true for sure!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the autocorrect craziness! My phone is out to get me!

A New Day

Yesterday was a low, low day. Probably the lowest I've been in a very long time. Today already feels so much better. I know all of your prayers have a lot to do with it. Thank you, thank you! Thank you for your support and prayers. They mean the world to me.

Just so you all know, I do plan on talking to my OB on Monday at my appointment. I however will not consent to taking any medication at this time. I do not feel comfortable with that at this point. I don't like taking things while pregnant. However, if at any point I feel like it has become necessary we'll revisit the idea. I come from a long family history of mental illness. I'm not unfamiliar with depression, among other things. I do believe there are other ways to deal with depression rather than just meds that in most cases can be explored first. If that doesn't work then I'll look into it.

I got to thinking last night after I talked to a very wonderful lady (and fellow blogger). As women, I think it comes naturally to feel like we have to do it all. And then when we can't, for whatever reason, we are incredibly hard on ourselves.

I think this rings especially true for for those of is who have dealt with IF. I now have everything I prayed for. Shouldn't I be happy all the time?

When I noticed the feelings of sadness and stress creeping in guilt soon followed. I felt like I was throwing this beautiful gift that God had given me back in his face. I didn't want to admit my struggles to myself let alone anyone else. This left me feeling very alone and made everything worse.

I kept telling myself that these feelings were normal, that my non-sleeping child was normal. Then the questions start. Seemingly innocent questions from seemingly well meaning people made me feel like a complete and utter failure.

"Is your baby sleeping through the night?"

Ummmmmm...no...

"Oh, well my baby slept through the night a 6 weeks old."

"You need to let your baby CIO! You are spoiling her!"

And my favorite, said to me before I began solids.

"You aren't giving her solids yet? That's your problem. You are starving her. I gave my baby rice cereal when he was 6 weeks old."

I think all of these women (and there were more than just these 3) had well meaning intentions. But all I heard was that I'm failing. I was not comfortable with (and still am not) letting my baby CIO. I know it may work for others and I think that as a parent you have the right to choose it. It however, is not right for me. It would only make me feel worse about myself. I knew that I wasn't starving my child but I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps she was a little hungry. The seed was planted.

I know I'm not the only woman to feel this way. I hold myself to a very high standard. Often too high. I didn't even admit to K how bad it was until very recently. It's not that I was worried he'd think less of me. It's that by admitting it to him meant that I was admitting it to myself. That's hard. I come from a very a very long family history of some pretty severe mental illness. My mother is bi-polar and schizophrenic. Because of some of her illnesses she chose to leave her children. My whole life I've felt that if I admitted to having even the slightest bit of anxiety or depression that would mean that I'm crazy. I was terrified to be labeled and didn't want to be like my mom. I know deep down that I am nothing like her and that I could never do the things she did. But like I said before, the seed was planted.

For the past 2 months I've been getting sleep in 30 minute increments. I think that that sort of sleep deprivation is enough to make anyone feel crazy. The problem is that I let it go on too long before asking for help. I will say last night was better. This weekend we are going to work hard on teaching her to put herself back to sleep. I will however continue to feed her at night if I believe that she is hungry. we did read The No Cry Sleep Solution, and while I did not like some of it, I did like some of the tips and we are working on those with MG. I know that things will get better. I know they will.

And like I said, we have a pediatrician appointment next Wednesday to check for some food allergies and a few other things. I will feel much better about any type of sleep training we decide to try knowing that she isn't waking because something else is wrong.

Thank you again for your prayers. This little community has magic prayers. :) I feel much much better today.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the autocorrect craziness! My phone is out to get me!

I'm done. That's the only thing I can think about now. Except I can't be done. It's nit possible.

I feel like this is all I talk about lately but it's consuming my life right now. I need sleep. It's not a matter of wanting it anymore it's a matter of need. I'm a mess. I can no longer function. I've struggled with depression in the past. I was dealing with PPD after Mary-Grace was born. Then I got pregnant and stupidly though I didn't need to worry about PPD anymore because pregnancy was going to magically cure it or something. I'm not sure if I'm still having PPD issues or if I'm slipping back into a depression. But I do know this feeling and I don't like it.

I don't feel like myself anymore. I can't stop crying. I pace the hall all night, Mary-Grace screaming, me crying. Every morning for the last two weeks I have sobbed as K left for work, begging him to stay home. I've called him sobbing begging for him to come home. Then I feel terrible. How can I do that to him and make him feel guilty for going to work. He is doing everything in his power to support us and I'm making him feel guilty for it.

I'm sleep deprived and feel like crap. Actually, I think crap is too nice of a word. I've begged and pleaded with God. Something as to give. She doesn't sleep at night. She's up every hour. By the time I get her back to sleep I'm getting only about 30 minutes of sleep at a time. She only cat naps during the day. When she's awake she must me held. I can put her in her jumpy thing for about 10 minutes but that's it. Don't get me wrong, I love snuggling my baby, but I can't hold her all night and then the 11 hours that K's at work. I need to pee, or eat, or do laundry, or just sit without a 16 pound attachment.

K has been trying so hard to help at night. But the fact is that he can't feed her so if she's hungry I have to get up anyway. Heck, even if she's not hungry, nursing her is usually the only way to get her back to sleep.

We have a pediatrician appointment next Wednesday. I'm going to talk to him about this. I'm doubt it will lead to anything helpful but we'll see.

On days like today I feel like a horrible mother. I try to tell myself that it will eventually get better. But then I remember that come Match there will be another little one in this house. More sleepless nights. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so ridiculous. It's just sleep. But this lack of sleep is causing me to be in a place mentally, emotionally and spiritually that I do not want to be.

I would do just about anything for a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. I miss my Nana. I know she would have loved to hold and play with MG while I got some rest.

If you could spare a prayer please do. Either that I get some sleep or that I get to a better place when it comes to handling it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the autocorrect craziness! My phone is out to get me!

Advice

Alright ladies, I need your advice. How do I get my little peanut to sleep better at night?

The past 1 1/2 - 2 months have been miserable. MG is waking up ever 45 minutes to an hour. I'm exhausted and beginning to feel extremely crazy. She was a wonderful sleeper in the beginning. After about 6 weeks she started waking up more frequently but it wasn't too bad. She would wake to nurse then fall right back to sleep. But now, oh my, let's just say it's been a challenge.

We've developed a pretty good nighttime routine using cues from MG. He gets a bath given by daddy at 7:30. Then she snuggled with me and I nurse her. Then depending on her mood, either K or I rock her to sleep (I really don't mind rocking her because I enjoy the time and I know that she isn't going to allow me to do it forever). Then we put her in her pack n play in our room. This usually happens by about 8:30.

Then the fun begins. At least every hour she wakes up crying. I nurse her, she fights me (she even drew blood scratching my nipple the other day), she gives up and falls asleep. I put her back down and there's a 50/50 chance she stays asleep. If she does, great, but we'll be back at it in another hour. If she wakes up she screams bloody murder. This goes on all.night.long! I am EXHAUSTED! I NEED sleep.

K and I have talked. I'm thinking moving her into her crib in her room may help. I'm certain she can sense that I'm in the room with her. But other than that I'm out of ideas. I don't mind waiting a few minutes to see if she's just fussing rather than really awake. So far the fussing always turns into screams. I've tried patting her butt and putting her paci back in her mouth with no luck. I'm bit sure what else to do.

There has to be a way to teach her how to sleep. I absolutely do not mind waking up with her if she needs to nurse. In fact, I don't expect her to sleep through the night. But, I think for my sanity and her happiness ( she's quite grumpy lately and it's obvious she is over tired) something has to give.

She is finally learning to take naps during the day. I put her down at two shelled times during the day and she has finally figured out that she is going to nap regardless of if she really wants to or not. The amount of time she sleeps is still hit or miss (anywhere from 5 min - 2 hours). But I am extremely happy with our progress seeing as how just a month ago naps were totally non-existent.

So, if anyone has any advice I'm all ears. I'm desperate. I need sleep like I need water lately.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the autocorrect craziness! My phone is out to get me!

Running in Circles

Before I get to the point of this post let's start with some fun things...

First off, today is my sweet little Oscar Dog's 4th birthday. I begged and pleaded for a puppy beginning the day after K and I got married. It took me a whole year to persuade him but I finally did. We love our crazy little pup! So does MG...




Second, today is my little Peanut's half birthday. Six months already! I can't believe how fast the time is going. It feels like just yesterday I was entering my 3rd day of labor. ;) Only 6 more months and we'll be celebrating her birthday. I cannot imagine. Makes me so happy and breaks my hear at the same time. Peanut Butter, your daddy and I love you more than we could ever say. Thank you so much for making me a momma!



Ok, now onto the not so fun stuff. My neighbor recommended me to an endocrinologist that she knows. She works at USF (which has a huge medical college) and this doctor is on her floor. Her assistant told her that he was great and she's been seeing him for years. Bonus, I spoke with her yesterday and she was able to pull some strings and get me in this morning. Awesome! So I go in with my ultrasound results. They contacted my OB to get my blood results but they hadn't gotten there yet. When the nurse called me back unasked if there were forms that I needed to fill out (medical history and such) she said "Oh no, not with this doctor." Um, ok. That seemed strange to me. I finally sit down with the doctor. He looks at my thyroid films. Explains what he sees and tells me that based on just the ultrasound the doesn't anything too unusual. I have 6 nodules/cysts and my thyroid is slightly enlarged, but only slightly. The nodules all measure under 1cm so they aren't large. He recommended that I have another ultrasound in 6 months to a year. Ok fine, whatever. Then he asked me a few questions while we waited for my blood work. He asked me about leg cramps (nope), weight gain (big yes!), heart issues (nope), GI issues (yup), headaches/migraines (yes! yes! yes!), and a few other things I can't remember. I then told him about my constant debilitating exhaustion and brain fog and a few other things. He then accused me of purposely giving him textbook thyroid symptoms. Excuse me? Are you calling me a liar? I may be a lot of things, but I am not a liar and I'm not a hypochondriac. How rude! I told him I was just telling him how I have been feeling for the past several years. He then says well, the problem is that you are giving me symptoms of both and over and under active thyroid. Ok? Again, just telling him how I'm feeling. I don't know why I have symptoms to both. He's the doctor! Isn't he supposed to figure this out?

In the mean time my blood work finally shows up. He the looks at me rather sheepish and says " Huh! The results here really surprise me." I could tell he was eating his words. He then decided to have me go in to get a few more tests run and tells me to call him Friday morning and he'll go over the results with me. He then tells me that he is looking into possible Grave's Disease but made sure to tell me that it's a stretch and he doesn't think anything is really wrong with me. Thanks doc...

I bad already lost my faith in most doctors...this guy just reminded me why. Why is it so hard to find someone who is going to listen to me? I don't care if it's my thyroid or something else. I just want to feel better.

Oh, and the kicker, he asked if my cycles were regular. I said yes. He then said he didn't understand why I had fertility issues if I have regular cycles. I explained to him my diagnosis and he told me that fertility issues are caused by irregular cycles so it doesn't make sense. Are you kidding me? I though he has to be joking but apparently. He then said that IF is when you have PCOS. Riiiiight... Yes doc, that would be ONE of the causes of IF. Sheesh! Where do I find these people?

I don't think I'm going to get anywhere with this guy. I'm back at square one I'm guessing. I think I'm just done. I feel like I'm just stuck feeling like crap for the rest of my life. I don't have time or money to go through anymore doctors. Especially when I get nowhere. I'm just tired if doing it. I can't fight anymore.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so please excuse the typos. My phone thinks it's smarter than me.